A Warm Chuckle Does the Heart Good

[Judy Harder]

 

Kids In Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

---------------------------------

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

---------------------------------

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

Monday, June 7, 2010 

Haiku Error Messages

Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony.

For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry. The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A crash reduces
your expensive computer to
a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

Tuesday, June 8, 2010   


The English Language

Lets face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What on earth does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.

[Judy Harder]

How to get into Heaven!
...............................................................

I was testing the children


in my Sunday school class


to see if they understood the concept
of getting to heaven.


I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car,


had a big garage sale


and gave all my money

to the church,

Would that get me into Heaven?'



'NO!' the children answered.


'If I cleaned the church every day,


mowed the yard,

and kept everything neat and tidy,
would that get me into Heaven?'



Again, the answer was, 'NO!'


By now I was starting to smile.


Hey, this was fun!


'Well, then, if I was kind to animals


and gave candy


to all the children,



and loved my husband,


would that get me into Heaven?'


I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'


I was just bursting with pride for them..
'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A five-year-old boy shouted out,


'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'



Don't be too busy today...

[Judy Harder]

This is funny.
>
> > From: The Good, Clean Funnies List <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>
> > Subject: [GCFL.net] Dad at the Supermarket
> >
> > My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless
> > someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he
> > volunteered to go to the supermarket for her.
> > She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
> >
> > Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack
> > the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams,
> > four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and
> > seven green peppers.
> >
> > Received from Joan Flood, Reader's Digest.
> >
> > Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List A cheerful
> > heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)

[Judy Harder]

The Lord's Ball game

THE LORD'S BASEBALL GAME

Freddy and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team was playing Satan's team.

The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate named 'Love.'

Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because 'Love never fails.'

The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works

with Love.

The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw

the first pitch.


Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked because he never swings at what Satan throws.


The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Freddy and told him He was now going to bring in His starplayer. Up to the plate stepped Grace.

Freddy said, 'He sure doesn't look like much!'

Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace.


Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch.

To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder than anyone had ever seen!

But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by.

He went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head and

sent him crashing on the ground; the roaring crowds went wild as the ball
continued over the fence . . for a home run!


The Lord's team won!

The Lord then asked Freddy if he knew why Love, Faith and Godly Wisdom

could get on base but couldn't win the game. Freddy answered that

he didn't know why.

The Lord explained, 'If your love, faith and wisdom had won the game, you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, Faith and Wisdom will get you on base but only My Grace can get you Home:

'For by Grace are you saved, it is a gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast.' Ephesians 2:8-9

Psalm 84:11, 'For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.'

Jesus' Test

This is an easy test; you score 100 or zero. It's your choice.

If you aren't ashamed to do this, please follow the directions.

Jesus said, 'If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father.'

Not ashamed!! Pass this on, if you mean it..
, I do Love God. He is my source of existence and Savior. He keeps me functioning each and everyday. Without Him, I am nothing, but with him:

'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.'
Phil 4:13

[Judy Harder]

 Mind exercises
     

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out  to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.

16. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

17. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

20. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

21. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

22. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Judy Harder]

Just to brighten your day!
 
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


The day finally arrived.   Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.  However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper..

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.   We have heard a lot about you.  I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.  The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.   But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.  I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?


Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?


Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.  He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?  Shucks, that one is easy.  That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.  How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve?  Forrest, how in Heaven's namecould you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.  Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.  'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run'
The end.
 


Lord, Give me a sense of humor
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, 

 
 

[Judy Harder]

 

Tips From Cowboys

~ Never squat with your spurs on!

~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.... Neither one works.

~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.

~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

~ Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

I Just Can't Drive Today

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices.

I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn. A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."