Jewish Comedians

[Jo McDonald]

  Maybe you remember these funny comedians 

Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman,  Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King,Mel  Brooks, Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny
and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got  back from a pleasure trip. I took my
mother-in-law to the  airport.

*  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever  finds out, she'll kill  me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be
reporting it. The  thief spends less than my wife  did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she  shops
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we  spent our wedding  night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My  wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was  only for the  estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud  fell off.

*  I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still  confused. When I go to dinner,  I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel  hungry.

*  The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him  another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back. " Mrs. Cohen answered,  "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See!  What did I tell  you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.  The man asks, "Doc, how do  I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

*  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,  "You've been  brought here  for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why  do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like  Chinese food so much. The study  revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish  view of when life begins.  In Jewish tradition, the fetus  is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole  officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

A man called his mother in Florida,
"Mom, how are you?"
" Not too good," said the mother. "I've  been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said,  "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.
Why  haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered,
"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." 

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks,
"What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a  speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to  change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't  bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish  holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won.  Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a  Jewish mother on the  street and said, "Lady, I  haven't eaten in three days."
"Force  yourself," she  replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because  Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20%  off.

[Warph]

Good one, Jo... My sweet jewish father was Henny Youngman recarnate with Jack Benny timing.... he knew all of Henny's jokes.  Not a day would go by that you wouldn't hear him say two or three.  You could ask him a question on anything and you would get back a monolouge of Henny's jokes.  Thank God Dad didn't take up the violin!

This is a list of the Henny Youngman jokes that comedian Alan King repeated at Mr. Youngman's funeral...
You have a ready wit. Let m know when it is ready.

The more I think of you the less I think of you.

It's good to see you. It means you're not behind my back.

You're one of the main reasons for twin beds.

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.

He's a real gentleman. He reminds me of Saint Paul, one of the dullest towns in America.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don't Jewish men drink? It interferes with their suffering.

In New York's garment district a little old man was hit by a car. While waiting for an ambulance, the policeman tucked a blanket under the guys chin and asked, "Are you comfortable?" the man said, "I make a nice living."

Camp Hiawatha, Camp Seneca - That's where Jewish kids go for the summer. Camp Ginsberg is where the Indian kids go.

When my wife asked me to start a garden, the first thing I dug up was an excuse.

My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as possible.

A woman wrapped herself in Saran Wrap to take off some weight. Her husband comes home, sees her, and says, "Leftovers again."

Was that suit made to order? The guy who ordered it didn't pick it up, huh?

That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die?

I like the suit you're wearing. Who shines it for you?

He's frank and ernest with women. In Fresno; he's Frank and in Chicago; he's Ernest.

What do you get for a man who has everything? Penicillin.

A priest is sent to Alaska. A Bishop goes up to visit a year later. the Bishop asks, "How do you like it up here?"
The priest says. "If it wasn't for my Rosary and two martinis a day, I'd be lost. Would youl like a Martini Bishop?"
"Yes, I would", says the Bishop
The Priests says "Rosary, bring the bishop a Martini."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy."
The man says, "I want a second opinion."
The doctor says, "OK, you're ugly too."

A guy says to a doctor, "I'm having trouble with my love life at home." the doctor says, "Take off 20 pounds and run 10 miles a day for two weeks."
Two weeks later the guy calls the doctor, "Doctor, I took of the 20 pounds and I have been running the 10 miles a day."
"Okay, so how is your love life now?"
"I don't know, I'm 140 miles from home!"

A man can't find a lawyer. He picks up the Yellow Pages and he sees the firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. Calls them up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"
"No he's out playing golf."
"Well, is Mr. Schwartz in?"
"No, he left the firm."
"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
"He is in Detroit and will not be back until next week."
Ok, how about Mr. Schwartz, then?"
"Speaking."

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, "Don't sit down."

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King."

A panhandler says to me, "Mister, I haven't tasted food for a week."
I said, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same."

My father was never home; He was always away drinking booze. He saw a a sign saying, "Drink Canada Dry"; so he went up there.

My mother was 88 years old, she never used glasses. Drank right out of the bottle.

Your presence makes me long for your absence.

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. You bring happiness whenever you go.

I'd like to help you out. which way did you come in?

He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.