Don't pick on Seniors

[Dee Gee]

 

The Lawyer

A lawyer and a senior citizen are seated next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on him. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500. This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?' The senior doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'

The senior reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer a $5 bill, and goes back to sleep.

We may be old, but we ain't stupid!

[Jo McDonald]

 
You know what, Dale???  This should have gone in the political thread.  Oh My gosh --- I know just where, and to whom,  I would post it.

  I'm dying here --- this is one GREAT post.
Thank You !!!
     Jo

[Warph]

Scammers use the phone to separate senior citizens from their money. How can you tell if the person on the other end of the line is trying to scam you? Listen for these tell tale statements:

***"Did you get the winning lottery check we sent you?"

***"I can help you get back all the money you lost in the stock market."

***"I'm from the fraud department of your credit card company. We need you to confirm your credit card number."

***"I have two bidders for your timeshare."

***"I work for the IRS. We have a tax refund for you. I need your social security number to be sure we're sending the check to the right person."

***"This is a one-time offer. You have to make up your mind right now."

***"The minute we receive the cash, we'll send you the product."

***"Great news! There's been a change in the Medicare prescription plan. We need your personal information so we can lower your drug costs."

***"I'm with the security company hired by your bank. You account number was stolen. To clear this up we need you to verify your bank account number."

***"Congratulations. You've won a free round trip to Mexico for two."


When you even suspect a scammer is on the other end of the phone, simply say and do one of the following:
"My hemorrhoids are acting up. Gotta go. Bye." Hang up.

"I lost it all to Madoff. Good bye." Hang up.

"Can't talk. The Feds have this line tapped." Hang up.

"Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? I can't hear you. I can't hear you." Hang up.

"My heart's palpitating. Must have air." Hang up.

"Does your mother know what you do for a living?" Hang up.

"Young man, I'm a doctor. And I can tell from the sound of your voice that you have syphilis. You should get help, soon." Hang up.

"You talk too fast for me. Bye." Hang up.

"I was born before they had social security numbers." Hang up.

"I don't know where my check book is. I'll call you back when I find it." Hang up.

If a phone scammer calls back, skip directly to the "Hang Up" part.

[sixdogsmom]

Amen to all those Warph! The older my mother got, the more often she would bring to me some sort of scheme she had gotten in the mail. Everything from free trips, pickup trucks to found money. She always brought that stuff to me, thank goodness. There are so many skanks out there. My best response to anybody on the phone, even people whom I normally do business with, is this; 'Sorry. I do not do business over the phone'. This takes care of it, the good bad and ugly. I never worried about mom on the phone, as she could not hear well enough to tell what they wanted. LOl!

[Judy Harder]

Sometimes it pays to be old

  No one believes oldies . .. . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and  had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.   

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved

"I love you, Sally."   

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet

Sally quickly picked it up, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money.....fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 


  The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,

  they knocked on the door.

  "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

   Sally said, "No."

  Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

  Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

  The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

  One says:  "Tell us the story from the beginning"

  Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .... " 

  The first FBI guy turns to his partner and  says, "We're outta here."   

                                           

[Diane Amberg]

When I get those rip off calls I simply say "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number," and hang up. Since we're on the no call list we don't get as many any more.

[Teresa]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.  The waiting room was filled with patients.   As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.   He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;  YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
     
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.   He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,   "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION,    BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

[Warph]

What's a Geezer, anyway?  My definition of a geezer is a person over 60 who's a bit feisty or cheeky, eccentric, in a good way, and may take to ranting or reflection as the mood strikes, but is never dull, you know like Larry J and Slappy and yours truly.  But lets put them into categories (thank heavens for categories).  For without them what would this forum be like?  Here are six age-defining categories to fit our individual needs, wants, desires, pocket books, eyesight, odors, and skin elasticity.  Where do you fit in?


Coot: Age 100 and up
Coots don't mind being called old. In fact, they are happy to tell you their exact age knowing full well that once they say "one hundred," you're going to be in such a state of amazement that you won't hear anything else they say. They can curse, they can drink, they can smoke, they can tell the truth. But mostly they just want to eat their yogurt, drink their bullion, and give advice on how to live to be 100. You know you're a coot if you think the person reading this to you is a damn fool.


Codger: Age 76 to 99
Codgers love to hug their great-grandchildren, pushing aside their children and grandchildren to do it. In swimming pools, they dangle from noodles to get their exercise. They get impatient with their bridge partners, even after having played with them for 50 years. Since most of them are women, they always have a killer meat loaf recipe and an eye out for widowers who don't know how to cook. You know you're a codger if you're phone has speed dialing for your internist and at least three specialists.


Geezer: Age 60 to 75
Most definitions say that geezer refers to an old man.  But, again, it's not an ordinary old man.  The connotation is that the old man has a bit of spunk in him.  He could be a bit cantankerous, or even eccentric.


Geezers are dichotomistic. (Hoo. Hoo. We geezers love to use big words because when we went to school you had to study vocabulary – that's a 5-syllable word meaning...uh...words.) On one side (our di side) we are just what you think we are. We have aches, pains, and minor surgeries which have caused us to be very well read about arcane and experimental medical procedures, drug formulations, and clinical trials. We study our Medicare booklets and go to legal seminars to learn how we can take it with us.


On our other side (the chotomy side) we party a lot because we're finished working full time. Travel, golf, spas, parties, museums, symphonies, bird-watching, bungee-jumping. And did I mention partying? But we also volunteer our time to causes, willingly baby-sit grandchildren, and even impart of bit of our vast experience to those willing to listen – usually business people whose companies have failed.


When we reach Codgerdom, we intend to stretch the limits of biotechnology, plastics, and animal parts. You know you're a geezer when someone calls you "old," and you look them in the eye and say "That's `wisdom' to you, buddy."


Edger: Age 50 to 59
Edgers are Egyptians because they are in denial. (Geezers think that joke is a knee-slapper.) What's to deny? Question: "How old are you?" Edger answer: "I'm 35 again." Edger sweat fills the gyms of America 24 hours a day. Their purchase of bottled water has contributed to the growth of both the plastics and water filtration industries, as well as the trebling in price of mountains with fresh springs. The crow's feet of Edgers fill the waiting rooms of plastic surgeons from 9 to 5. The Edgers use of Botox needles has single-facedly injected the medical supply industry with new life. You know you're an Edger if you have a subscription to Nip and Tuck magazine.


Greeny: Age 31 to 49
The Greenies grow exotic herbs in their gardens and fret endlessly about the air they breathe. Their green gardens and blue skies represent their concern for the environment and quest for a better quality of life. Greenies can often be found transporting a gaggle of politically correct children between cave painting and abacus classes in their hybrid SUVs, during which they drive over Snapper sedans and push Geezer luxury cars off the road. Their fresh herbs often find their way into simple, carb-free dishes based on tofu and are happily eaten by their children who know they have a stash of Oreo cookies hidden in their closet behind the abacus. You know you're a Greeny if you smell like Herbs de Provence.


Snappers: Age 13 to 30
Snappers, short for whippersnappers, are the hope for the future. Hopes which are often dashed by their listening to rap, dancing at clubs until the morning, and taking advantage of drugs that we geezers never had a chance to try. Not only do they have TV shows devoted to their heroic deeds (mostly Snapper women kicking the bejesus out of Snapper men), but there are cable channels that exist only for them. Entire careers in the film industry have been made and destroyed by their Saturday evening viewing choices. They have no fear, which is why we send them to foreign lands to defend our freedom. They know more stuff by the end of high school than Edgers knew at the end of college – which is why Edgers get very nervous about hiring Snappers.

You know you're a Snapper if you're not reading this article.

[larryJ]

This is a terrific article, Warph, and thanks for including me by name and putting me into the same category with you and Slappy. 

I have noticed, being a geezer, that when I impart advice to the younger generation, I get those "he's slipped over the edge" looks.  And, I give back that "You'll see when you are older" look.  Hey, wait!!!!  I won't be around when you "wise up." 

To be serious for a moment (I know, that hurts), I have often wondered why the elder generation didn't leave long letters of information about their life or their true feelings about others.  Then it occurred to me that they feel leaving behind such wisdom would not be worth the effort.  For the most part, the autobiography part of their life would be boring to the younger generation unless that person is into family history.  Relating their experiences of their life might be hurtful to someone who didn't know that about grandpa.  When my wife's father moved in with us, he would tell me stories of his past, mostly war stories from WWII  In his last years, he suffered from dementia and had no memories to share.  I was often curious about his relationship to my wife's mother whom he divorced about the time I got married.  He never discussed it with me, except to say that she was a b......!

Getting back to old self again, I see now that sometimes it just isn't worth the effort to advise someone about something.  Nobody told me how to do things or showed me the right way to fix things and I got through my early years, so my attitude is let them learn on their own ------ with exceptions of course, like when they seriously want my advice or, I feel they may burn the place down or harm themselves. 

Time for my second cup and the granddaughter has arrived --- it is a school day for her.

Thanks again, Warph, I loved the article.

Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Coming from a Geezerette, I'd say that's very clever.