another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------give the kid an "A"

The old, irascible math professor was tenured and in no danger of losing his job, but he certainly was losing his marbles and everyone knew it.

Many of his students openly mocked him, which made him even more angry and mean-spirited than usual.

One day, after railing against the class for 15 minutes and denouncing several students by name for their poor scores on a recent quiz, he paused for a long moment, then looked up from the lectern and said, "If there are 50 states in the union, and superheated steam equals the distance from Bombay to Bakersfield, what is my age?"

A freshman stood up and said, "84, sir."

The professor's eyebrows lifted.  "That is correct!" he said. "How did you work it out?"

The freshman replied, "I have an uncle who is 42, and he is only half nuts."

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In 1861, Chief Justice Roger Taney, sitting as a federal circuit court judge in Baltimore, ruled that President Abraham Lincoln lacked the authority to suspend the writ of habeas corpus.  (Lincoln disregarded the ruling.)

In 1929, Charles A. Lindbergh Jr. married Anne Morrow in Englewood, NJ.

In 1937, the newly completed Golden Gate Bridge, connecting San Francisco and Marin County, was opened to pedestrian traffic.  (Vehicular traffic began crossing the next day.)

In 1941, amid rising world tensions, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proclaimed and "unlimited national emergency" during a radio address from the White House.  The British Royal Navy sank the German battleship Bismarck off France, with a loss of some 2,000 lives, three days after the Bismarck sank the HMS Hood.

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Today---------------------Delores Hope (widow of Bob Hope) is 102, Novelist Herman Wouk is 96, Actor Christopher Lee is 89, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger is 88, Actor Louis Gossett Jr. is 75, Singer Bruce Cockburn is 66 and Singer-actress Dee Dee Bridgewater is 61.

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May 27th is:  Cellophane Tape Day, National Wig Out Day and Old Time Player Piano Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------gotcha

"Darling, I beg you, will you be my wife?"
"Will you always let me do whatever I please?"
"Certainly, my love."
"Can my mother come live with us?"
"Of course, dear."
"Will you give up drinking and playing golf with your friends?"
"Without an argument, my pet."
"Will you support me and give me money whenever I want it?"
"Willingly, sweetheart."

"I'm sorry, my answer is no.  I never could marry such an awful liar."

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In 1863, the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry, made up of freed blacks, left Boston to fight for the Union in the Civil War.

In 1985, David Jacobsen, director of the American University Hospital in Beirut, Lebanon, was abducted by pro-Iranian kidnappers (he was freed 17 months later.)

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Today------------------Bockabilly singer-musician Sonny Burgess is 82, Actress Carroll Baker is 80, Producer-director Irwin Winkler is 80, Actor John Karlen is 78, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Jerry West is 73, Actress Beth Howland is 70, Former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani is 67, Actress-director Sondra Locke is 67, Singer Billy Vera is 67, Singer John Fogerty is 66 and Singer Gladys Knight is 67.

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May 28th is:  Sierra Club Day, Slugs Return From Capistrano Day, International Jazz Day, Julia Pierpont Day and Amateur Radio Military Appreciation Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------duh

Sherlock Holmes never failed to astound his assistant, Watson, with acute powers of observation.  And Watson, in turn, sometimes left Holmes in rather a dumbfounded state, too.

Holmes:  "Ah, good morning, Watson.  I see you are still wearing your winter underwear."

Watson:  "Incredible! Just incredible!  Tell me, my dear Holmes, how have you possibly managed to deduce that?"

Holmes:  "Elementary, Watson.  You see, you have quite forgotten to put on your trousers."

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In 1943, Norman Rockwell's portrait of "Rosie the Riveter" appeared on the cover of The Saturday Evening Post.

In 1953, Mount Everest was conquered as Edmund Hillary of New Zealand and Tensing Norgay of Nepal became the first climbers to reach the summit.

In 1961, a couple in Paynesville, W.VA, became the first recipients of food stamps under a pilot program created by President John F. Kennedy.

In 1973, Tom Bradley was elected the first black mayor of Los Angeles, defeating incumbent Sam Yorty.

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Today---------Actor Clifton James is 90, Former Baseball Commissioner Fay Vincent is 73, Race car driver Al Unser is 72, CBS News correspondent Bob Simon is 70, Actor Kevin Conway is 69, Actor Helmut Berger is 67, Rock singer Gary Brooker (Procol Harem) is 66, Actor Anthony Geary is 64 and Singer Rebbie Jackson is 61,

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May 29th is:  Indianapolis 500, International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers, Rogation Sunday and Rural Life Sunday Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------appropriate for the day

Two of Uncle Sam's soldiers, retiring from the Army after a long, battle tested enlistment, purchased an old saloon in a country town.  Repairs and a new coat of paint took several weeks.  Finally, the place was in mint condition.  But the doors remained locked.

The villagers waited another week or two, but then they gathered outside, and one of them knocked on the door.

A window opened and one of the former soldiers poked his head out and said, somewhat boozily, "So what's all this then?"

"We want to know when you are going to open up," was the reply.

"Open up?" the retired military man snorted.  "We bought the place for ourselves!"

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In 1806, future president Andrew Jackson killed Charles Dickinson in a duel with pistols that left Jackson seriously wounded.

In 1911, the first Indy 500 (originally called the "International Sweepstakes" took place at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway; the winner was Ray Harroun who drove a Marmon Wasp for more than 6 hours at an average speed of 74.6 mph and collected a prize of $10,000.

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Today------------Country musician Johnny Gimble is 85, Actor Clint Walker is 84, Actor Keir Dullea is 75, Actress Ruta Lee is 75, Actor Michael J. Pollard is 72, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Gayle Sayers is 68, Rock musician Lenny Davidson (The Dave Clark Five) is 67 and Actor Stephen Tobolowsky is 60.

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May 30th is:  Memorial Day, Loomis Day and Prayer For Peace Memorial Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------who said "I wouldn't want to join a group that would have me"

A disheveled tramp was sleeping behind the 18th green at the most exclusive country club in the state.  A club official, arriving for work, noticed the slumbering figure and walked over.  He prodded the fellow awake with his foot, rather roughly, and told him to be on his way.

"And who are you?" the tramp demanded.

"I am the membership secretary of this club," the official said, imperiously, rising to his full height.

"Well," the tramp said, "that ain't no way to get new members."

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BONUS----------(couldn't pass this one up)

Two blonds were sitting on the beach one night, sipping wine, and enjoying the view of the stars and the moon.  One blond says to the other, "I wonder which is closer, the moon or Florida?"

The other blond looks her companion and says, "Well, obviously, the moon."

The first one says, "How do you figure that?"

The second one says, "YOU CAN SEE THE MOON.  YOU CAN'T SEE FLORIDA."

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In 1790, President George Washington signed into law the first U.S. copyright act.

In 1977, the trans-Alaska oil pipeline, three years in the making, was completed.

In 1994, the United States announced it was no longer aiming long-range nuclear missiles at targets in the former Soviet Union.

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Today-----------Actress Elaine Stewart is 82, Singer Peter Yarrow is 73, Former Anglican Church envoy Terry Waite is 72, Singer-musician Augie Meyers is 71, Actress Sharon Gless is 68, Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Namath is 68, Actor Tom Berenger is 61, Actor Gregory Harrison is 61 and Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 81.

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May 31st is:  What You Think Upon Grows Day and World No-Tobacco Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------whoops

The country preacher was not very familiar with modern styles and fashions.  While attending a denominational conference in the big city, he had occasion to walk about and do a little sightseeing.  He continually was dismayed by the sight of people wearing peculiar clothes, accessories and hairstyles.  Finally, he could stand it no longer.  Joining a small throng of people gathered around a monument, he approached a stranger and said, "Excuse me."

"Yes?"  the stranger said.

"I'm new to the city and I'm very confused by the appearance of the people here.  That young individual over there, for example, with the half shaved head and all the tattoos.  Is that a boy or girl?"

"That's a girl," said the other.  "She's my daughter."

"Oh!  I am terribly embarrassed.  I would not have been so forward, had I known you were her mother."

"I'm not.  I'm her father."

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In 1861, Confederate Capt. John Quincy Marr was killed during a skirmish with Union cavalrymen near Fairfax Court House in Virginia; he is widely regarded as the first Confederate officer killed in the Civil War.

In 1943, a civilian flight from Portugal to England was shot down by the Germans during World War II, killing all 17 people aboard, including actor Leslie Howard.

In 1961, regular FM stereo broadcasting began in the United States.

In 1971, American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, 78, died in Stockbridge, Mass.

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Today--------------Singer Pat Boone is 77, Actor-writer-director Peter Masterson is 77, Actor Morgan Freeman is 74, Actor Rene Auberjonois is 71, Opera singer Frederica von Stade is 66, Actor Brian Cox is 65, Rock musician Ronnie Wood is 64, Actor Jonathon Pryce is 64, Actor Powers Booth is 63, Actress Gemma Craven is 61 and Actor Andy Griffith is 85.

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June the 1st is:  Heimlich Maneuver Day, National Go Barefoot Day, Say Something Nice Day and Stand For Children Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------Hah

Tony and Yvonne, both 85, had been married for 65 years.  They lived frugally, and both were still in good health, thanks to Yvonne's penchant for health food.  One day, however, they died in an accident and made their appearance before the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter escorted them inside and took them to a beautiful mansion surrounded by gardens.  "This is your home now," he said.

Next, they toured a spectacular golf course.  "You play for free whenever you like," St. Peter said.

In the clubhouse, a lavish buffet lunch awaited, with every delicious food and beverage on display.  "All free, every day," St. Peter said.

Tony looked nervously at Yvonne, then asked St. Peter, "Is there a low-fat, low-sugar, low-salt menu?"

St. Peter laughed and replied, "This is Heaven.  You can eat whatever you like without risk.  Enjoy yourselves."

Tony glared at Yvonne and muttered, "You and your health food.  We could have been here years ago!"

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In 1851, Maine became the first state to enact a total ban on the manufacture and sale of liquor.

In 1855, rioting broke out in Portland, Maine, over rumors a stash of liquor (which would have been legal for "medicinal and mechanical purposes" under the Maine law) was being kept inside City Hall; one man was killed when militiamen opened fire.

In 1886, President Grover Cleveland, 49, married Frances Folsom, who at 21 became America's youngest first lady, in the Blue Room of the White House.  (To date, Cleveland is the only president to marry in the executive mansion.)

In 1897, Mark Twain, 61, was quoted by the New York Journal as saying from London that "the report of my death was an exaggeration."

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Today----------Actor Milo O'Shea is 86, Actress-singer Sally Kellerman is 74, Actor Ron Ely is 73, Actor Stacy Keach is 70, Rock musician Charlie Watts is 70, Singer William Guest  (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 70, Actor Charles Haid is 68, Composer Marvin Hamlisch is 67, Actress Joanne Gleason is 61 and Actor Jerry Mathers, the Beaver, is 63.

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June 2nd is:  Leave The Office Early Day, National Bubba Day, National Running Day, National Tailors Day, and, Yell "Fudge" At The Cobras In North America Day.  (I will explain that last one.  It is a known fact that fudge gags cobras and the mere mention of the word scares them and they take off as fast as they can.  So, at any time during the day, go outside and yell "fudge" in order to keep the cobras out of North America.)

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------old, still funny

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.  The family had to use an outhouse, and the boy hated it because it was too hot in the summer, too cold in the winter and too gross all the time.  One day, after a week of rain, the nearby creek flooded its banks and reached all the way to the outhouse.  It flowed by in a torrent.

The boy watched in amazement.  Then he got an idea.  He found a long tree branch and used it to tip the outhouse into the raging river.  It floated away.

That evening his father said they were going to the woodshed after supper.  Knowing this meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

Dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.  It was you, wasn't it, son?'

The boy hung his head and answered yes.  Then he said, "Dad, I read in school that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree, but he didn't get in trouble because he told the truth."

Dad said, "George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree at the time."

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In 1861, Illinois Senator Stephen A. Douglas, the Democratic presidential nominee in the 1860 election, died in Chicago of typhoid fever; he was 48.

In 1948, the 200-inch reflecting Hale Telescope at the Palomar Mountain Observatory in California was dedicated.

In 1965, astronaut Edward White became the first American to "walk" in space during the flight of Gemini 4.

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Today-------------TV producer Chuck Barris is 82, Actress Irma P. Hall is 76, Author Larry McMurtry is 75, Singer Eddie Holman is 65, Actor Tristan Rogers is 65, Musician Too Slim (Riders in the Sky) is 63, Rock musician Richard Moore is 62, Singer Suzi Quatro is 61 and Singer Deneice Williams is 60.

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June 3rd is:  Chimborazo Day and Doughnut Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------prayer for the day

DEAR LORD:  So far today, I am doing all right.  I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self-indulgent.

I have not whined, complained, cursed or eaten any chocolate.

I have not maxed out any of my credit cards.

BUT LORD, IT'S ONLY MORNING!  I will be getting out of bed in a minute and I REALLY will need your help then!

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In 1919, Congress approved the 19th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guaranteeing citizens the right to vote regardless of their gender, and sent it to the states for ratification.

In 1942, the Pacific Battle of Midway began during World War II.

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Today---------------Actor Bruce Dern is 75, Actress-singer Michelle Phillips is 67 and Jazz musician Anthony Braxton is 66.

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June 4th is:  Audacity To Hope Day, Do-Dah Day, International Day Of Innocent Children Victims Of Aggression, Drawing Day and National Trails Day.

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In passing------------JAMES ARNESS, the 6-foot-6  actor who towered over the television landscape for two decades as righteous Dodge City lawman Matt Dillon in "Gunsmoke," died Friday.  He was 88.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------here's a hint

"Are you still bothered by those relatives of yours who come to dinner as often as possible, but never invite you to their house in return?"

"No, as a matter of fact, they finally took the hint.  We haven't seen them for quite awhile."

"Well done!  What did you say to them that did the trick?"

"Oh, we didn't say a word.  We just started serving them sponge cake every time they came."

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In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated in Los Angeles' Ambassador Hotel after claiming victory in California's Democratic presidential primary.  Gunman Sirhan Sirhan was immediately arrested.

In 2004, Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th president of the United States, died in Los Angeles at age 93 after a struggle with Alzheimer's disease.

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Today-------------Broadcast journalist Bill Moyers is 77, Country singer Don Reid (The Statler Brothers) is 66, Rock musician Fred Stone (AKA Fred Stewart) (Sly and the Family Stone) is 65, Artist-rock singer Laurie Anderson is 64, Country singer Gail Davies is 63 and Author Ken Follett is 62.

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June 5th is:  National Cancer Survivors Day, Children's Awareness Memorial Day, World Environment Day and Hot Air Balloon Day.

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Larryj