another slice of wry

[larryJ]

A correction:  President Abraham Lincoln died nine hours, rather than nine days after being shot.

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------this is good.......

GOLDEN TAX QUOTES..............

I've tried paying taxes with a smile, but I find they insist on a check.

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes:  men and women.

There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than even golf has.

Worried about an IRS audit?  Avoid what is called a red flag.  That's something the IRS looks for.  A red flag.  For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes.  That's a red flag.

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In 1861, following the Confederate takeover of Fort Sumter, President Abraham Lincoln declared a state of insurrection and called out Union troops.

In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln died, nine hours after being shot the night before by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theater in Washington.  Andrew Johnson became the nation's 17th president.

In 1912, the British luxury liner RMS Titanic sank in the North Atlantic off Newfoundland, less than three hours after striking an iceberg; some 1500 people died.

In 1947, Jackie Robinson, baseball's first black major league player, made his debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers on opening day.  (The Dodgers defeated the Boston Braves, 5-3.)

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Today---------------Actor Michael Ansara is 89, Country singer Roy Clark is 78, Rock singer-guitarist Dave Edmunds is 67, Actor Michael Tucci is 65, Actress Lois Chiles is 64, Writer-producer Linda Bloodworth-Thomason is 64, Actress Amy Wright is 61 and Columnist Heloise is 60.

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April 15th is:  DNA Day, Income Tax Pay Day, McDonald's Day, Take a Wild Guess Day and That Sucks Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------different take on an old one.........

The call came in, and the man on the waiting list for a heart transplant was rushed to the hospital.

Doctor:  "As it turns out, we have two available hearts that are a suitable match for you.  One is the heart of a 26-year-old marathon runner.  The other is the heart of a 62-year-old IRS auditor.  Do you have a preference?"

Patient:  "I'll take the IRS auditor's heart."

Doctor:  "Really?"

Patient:  "Yes.  It's never been used."

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In 1789, President-elect George Washington left Mount Vernon, VA, for his inauguration in New York.

In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia.

In 1960, shortly before midnight, rock-and-roll performer Eddie Cochran, 21, was fatally injured in a taxi crash in Chippenham, Wiltshire, England.  (He died the next day.)

In 2007, in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history, student Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people on the campus of Virginia Tech before taking his own life.

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Today------------------Pope Benedict XVI is 84, Actor Peter Mark Richman is 84, Singer Bobby Vinton is 76 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Kareem Abdul Jabbar is 64.

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April 16th is:  Auctioneers Day, Husband Appreciation Day, Record Store Day and Teach Your Daughter to Volunteer Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------hah

The taxpayer received a sternly worded "Second Notice" from the IRS that his taxes were overdue.

He rushed to the nearest IRS office, wrote a check, and assured the agent  he simply had forgotten the tax deadline, and that he never had received  a "First Notice" warning.

The IRS agent said, "Oh, we don't send out a First Notice.  We have found that the Second Notice is much more effective.

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In 1961, a force of 1,500 CIA-trained Cuban exiles launched the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba in an attempt to topple Fidel Castro, whose forces crushed the incursion by the third day.  More than 1,000 invaders were captured; about 100 invaders and 150 of Castro's defenders were killed.

In 1969, a jury in Los Angeles convicted Sirhan Sirhan of assassinating Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.

In 1970, Apollo 13 astronauts James A. Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swaggert splashed down safely in the Pacific, four days after a ruptured oxygen tank crippled their spacecraft while en route to the moon.

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Today--------------------Composer-musician Jan Hammer is 63 and Actress Olivia Hussey is 60.

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April 17th is:  Bat Appreciation Day, Blah! Blah! Blah! Day, Ellis Island Family History Day, Ford Mustang Day, Nothing Like A Dame Day, Palm Sunday and Perigean Spring Tides.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------hopefully this is the end of the tax jokes

A mother and her child were out walking.  The child swallowed a coin and started to choke.  Mom cried out for help.

A man ran to the scene, said, "Don't worry!  I'm a professional," then squeezed the boy from the back until he coughed up the coin.

The grateful mother said, "You saved his life!  I don't know how to thank you, doctor."

The man replied, "Oh, I'm not a doctor.  I work for the IRS."

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In 1775, Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charlestown to Lexington, Mass., warning American colonists that the British were coming.

In 1906, a devastating earthquake struck San Francisco, followed by raging fires, estimates of the final death toll range between 3,000 and 6,000.

In 1910, suffragists showed up at the U.S. Capitol with half a million signatures on petitions demanding that women receive the right to vote.

In 1934, the first laundromat (called the "washeteria) opened in Fort Worth, Texas.

In 1942 during World War II, an air squadron from the USS Hornet led by Lt. Col. James H. Doolittle raided Tokyo and other Japanese cities..

In 1945, famed American war correspondent, Ernie Pyle, 44, was killed by Japanese gunfire on the Pacific island of Shima, off Okinawa.

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Today-----------------------Actress Barbara Hale is 90, Actor Clive Revill is 81, Actor James Drury is 77, Actor Robert Hooks is 74, Actress Hayley Mills is 65, Actor James Woods is 64 and Actress Cindy Pickett is 64.

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April 18this:  Pet Owners Independence Day, Passover, National Stress Awareness Day, Boston Marathon, Adult Autism Day, International Amateur Radio Day and National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day.

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Larryj

[twirldoggy]

Larry, I remember a Sedan, Kansas washeteria owned by the Burdette family.  My grandmother and I used it in the 1950's.  The washeteria had old fashioned washers, wringers and rinse tubs with bluing.  After using it we took the wet laundry home to dry outside. 

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------funny

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said, "We are here." The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. "So what was that for", he asked. The third drunk replied, "Control your speed next time, you almost killed us."

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In 1775, the American Revolution began with the battles of Lexington and Concord.

In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard.

In 1951, Gen. Douglas MacArthur, relieved of command by President Harry S. Truman, bid farewell in an address to Congress in which he quoted a line from a ballad:  "Old soldiers never die; they just fade away."

In 1993, the 51-day siege at the Branch Davidian compound near Waco, Texas, ended as fire destroyed the structure after federal troops began smashing their way in; dozens of people, including sect leader David Koresh, were killed.

In 1995, a truck bomb destroyed the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 people. (Bomber Timothy McVeigh was later convicted of federal murder charges and executed.)

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Today----------------Actor Hugh O'Brian is 86, Actress Elinor Donahue is 74, Rock musician Alan Price (The Animals) is 69, Actor Tim Curry is 65 and Pop singer Mark "Flo" Volman (The Turtles: Flo and Eddie) is 64.

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April 19th is:  National Hiring Day--McDonalds, National Hanging Out Day and Oklahoma City Bombing Commemoration Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------smart..............

A teenage boy earned his driver's license and asked his father when he could start using the family car.

Dad said, "Well, son if you stay out of trouble, bring your grades up to a B average, study your Bible and get a haircut, we'll talk in a month."

The son agreed.  A month later, he approached his father about using the car.

Dad:  "Well, son, you have stayed out of trouble, you've improved your grades and I notice you have been studying your Bible.  But I am disappointed that you haven't got a haircut."

Son:  "Well, my Bible studies have shown me that Sampson had long hair, and John the Baptist had long hair and even Jesus had long hair."

Dad:  "Did you notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

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In 1972, the manned lunar module from Apollo 16 landed on the moon.

In 1999, the Columbine massacre took place in Colorado as two students, Eric Harris and Dylan Kleinbold, shot and killed 12 students and one teacher before taking their own lives.

In 2010, an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon oil platform leased by BP, killed 11 workers and began spewing (by government estimates) about 200 million gallons of crude into the Gulf of Mexico for nearly three months.

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Today------------Retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 91, Actor Leslie Philips is 87, Sen. Pat Roberts, R-Kans, is 75, Actor George Takei is 74, Singer  Johnny Tillotson is 72, Actor Ryan O'Neal is 70, Actor Gregory Itzin is 63, Actress Veronica Cartwright is 62 and Actress Jessica Lange is 62.

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April 20th is:  National Pot Smoker's Day................who cares about anything else, man.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------gotcha

A sheriff in a small town took to hiding in an alley by the local bar, where he could see people having a good time.  If they showed signs of intoxication, he followed them and busted them for drunk driving.

He racked up a lot of arrests this way.

One Saturday night the bar was packed.  There was a huge party going on.  Just before closing time, the sheriff saw a man walking slowly and unsteadily to his car.  He followed the car for a couple of blocks, then pulled him over and conducted an extensive series of sobriety tests.  The motorist passed all of them with flying colors.  The sheriff ran them again.  The motorist passed again.  The sheriff was nonplussed.  He tried a third time.  Nothing doing.

Sheriff:  "I don't get it.  I witnessed you staggering to your car.  You dropped your keys twice.  You couldn't drive in a straight line.  But you are completely sober."

Motorist:  "I'm the designated decoy."

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In 1836, an army of Texans led by Sam Houston defeated the Mexicans at San Jacinto, assuring Texas' independence.

In 1910, author Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, died in Redding, Conn., at age 74.

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Today---------------Actress-comedian-writer Elaine May is 79, Actor Charles Grodin is 76, Singer-musician Iggy Pop is 64, Actress Patti LaPone is 62, Actor Tony Danza is 60 and Britain's Queen Elizabeth is 85.

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April 21st is:  Get To Know Your Customers Day, High Five Day, Holy Thursday, Kindergarten Day, National Chocolate Covered Cashews Day and National Teach Your Children To Save Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------yep......

I eat moderate amounts of healthy food.  I make sure to get plenty of rest each night. I keep my body fit and my mind alert.  I avoid arguments and stress.  I don't drink to excess.  I don't smoke or do drugs.  I don't have crazy reckless sex with strangers.

If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I am going to be really, really, REALLY pissed.

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In 1864, Congress authorized the use of the phrase "In God We Trust" on U.S. coins.

In 1889, the Oklahoma Land Rush began at noon as thousands of homesteaders staked claims.

In 1944, during World War II, U.S. forces began invading Japanese-held New Guinea with amphibious landings at Hollandia and Aitape.

In 1954, the publicly televised sessions of the Senate Army-McCarthy hearings began.

In 1994, Richard M. Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, died at a New York hospital four days after suffering a stroke; he was 81.

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Today----------------Actor George Cole is 86, Actress Estelle Harris is 79, Singer Glen Campbell is 75, Actor Jack Nicholson is 74, Singer Mel Carter is 68, Author Janet Evanovich is 68, Country singer Cleve Francis is 66, Singer Peter Frampton is 61 and Actress Charlotte Rae is 85.

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April 22nd is:  Earth Day, Good Friday, "In God We Trust" Day, Mother Earth Day and National Jelly Bean Day.

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Larryj