another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------------gotcha

Father O'Malley answered the phone in the church office. It was the IRS on the other end.

The federal revenue agent asked, "Do you know a Mr. Lawrence Brown, and did he make a donation of $10,000 to the church in 2010?"

Father O'Malley thought for a moment, then replied, "Yes, I know him.  And, yes, he will."

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In 1913, the 17th Amendment to the Constitution providing for direct popular election of United States senators (as opposed to appointment by state legislatures), was ratified.

In 1974, Hank Aaron of the Atlanta Braves hit his 715th career home run in a game against the Los Angeles Dodgers, breaking Babe Ruth's record.

In 1994, Kurt Cobain, singer and guitarist for the grunge band Nirvana, was found dead in Seattle from an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound; he was 27.

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Today------------Former first lady Betty Ford is 93, Comedian Shecky Greene is 85, Actor-turned-diplomat John Gavin is 80, "Mouseketeer" Darlene Gillespie is 70, Singer J.J. Jackson is 70, Singer Peggy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 70, Actor Stuart Pankin is 65, Rock musician Steve Howe (Yes) is 64 and Former House Republican Leader Tom DeLay is 64.

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April 8th is:  Buddha Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------Okay then........

A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

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In 1939, singer Marian Anderson performed a concert at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington after being denied the use of Constitution Hall by the Daughters of the American Revolution.

In 1959, NASA presented its first seven astronauts:  Scott Carpenter, Gordon Cooper, John Glenn, Gus Grissom, Wally Shirra, Alan Shepard and Donald Slayton.

Also in 1959, Architect Frank Lloyd Wright died in Phoenix, Arizona.

In 1965, the newly built Astrodome in Houston featured its first baseball game, an exhibition between the Astros and the New York Yankees.  (The Astros won, 2-1, in 12 innings.)

In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger ended its first mission with a safe landing at Edwards Air Force Base.

In 1996, in a dramatic shift of purse-string power, President Bill Clinton signed a line-item veto bill into law.  (However, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the veto in 1998.)

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Today------------------Naturalist Jim Fowler is 79, Actor Jean-Paul Belmondo is 78, Actress Michael Learned is 72, Country singer Margo Smith is 69 and Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner is 85.

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April 9th is:  National Cherish An Antique Day, National Pie Day (8-10), National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day, Jenkin's Ear Day and Winston Churchill Day.

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Larryj

[W. Gray]

In 1965, the newly built Astrodome in Houston featured its first baseball game, an exhibition between the Astros and the New York Yankees.  (The Astros won, 2-1, in 12 innings.)

A couple weeks ago I read an item about the Astrodome sitting empty in or near the parking lot of its replacement, a new Reliant Stadium.

The vacated facility costs local taxpayers $2m a year in insurance, maintenance, debt and interest.

The Astrodome is too expensive to tear down--dynamite cannot be used for fear of damaging the new stadium so a wrecking ball would be needed. Cost of demolition is estimated at $900m.

It is also too expensive to renovate/remodel into a convention center or something else useful. One option was for a $1.3 billion science center.

So, for now, it just sits.

The Astrodome, as the first covered sports stadium in the world, cost $35m to build.

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------Warph started this subject

One day two old ladies were standing outside the nursing home casually having a smoke. After being outside for a while it started to rain on them. Suddenly, one of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and slipped it over her cigarette.
The other lady asked, "What's that for?"

The first replied, "It's to keep my cigarette dry when I'm outside smoking and it starts to rain."

The second lady said, "That's a pretty crafty idea."

The following day the old lady went to the drugstore to get some condoms. She walked in and told the clerk, "I'd like some condoms please."

The clerk looked at the old lady, rather baffled at why she would need condoms. However, he asked, "What brand would you like, Madam?"

The old lady smiled and replied, "I don't care what brand you give me, as long as it fits a Camel."

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In 1866, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals was incorporated.

In 1912, the RMS Titanic set sail from Southampton, England, on its ill-fated maiden voyage.

In 1947, Brooklyn Dodgers president Branch Rickey purchased the contract of Jackie Robinson from the Montreal Royals.

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Today---------------Actor Harry Morgan is 96, Actor Max von Sydow is 82, Actor Omar Sharif is 79, Sportscaster John Madden is 75, Reggae artist Bunny Wailer is 64 and Actor Stephen Seagal is 60.

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April 10th is:  ASPCA Day, Safety Pin Day, Baby Massage Day, National Farm Animals Day, National Sibling Day and Salvation Army Founders Day.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

  :ogood one Larry. Thanks for the giggle.

[larryJ]

Today's-------------old but still funny

A man driving home sees a dog in a yard with a sign that says, "Talking Dog for Sale."  He screeches to a halt, gets out of the car, and asks, "Can you really talk?"

The dog replies, "Yes, I've learned six languages.  I've worked for the CIA, traveled the world, and won many awards."

The man, astonished, goes to the door, rings for the homeowner, and asks, "How much do you want for the dog?"

The homeowner says, "I'll take $5."

"What?  How could you sell such an amazing dog for only five bucks?"

"The dog's a liar.  He never did any of that stuff he says he did."

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In 1921, Iowa became the first state to impose a cigarette tax, at 2 cents a package.

In 1970, Apollo 13, with astronauts James A. Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swigert, blasted off on its ill-fated mission to the moon.

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan returned to the White House from the hospital, 12 days after he was wounded in an assassination attempt .

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Today------------Ethel Kennedy is 83, Actor Joel Grey is 79, Actress Louise Lasser is 72, Pulitzer Prize winner columnist Ellen Goodman is 70, Actor Peter Riegert is 64, Actor Meshach Taylor is 64, Movie director Carl Franklin is 62 and Actor Bill Irwin is 61.

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April 11th is:  Barbershop Quartet Day, International "Louie Louie" Day and National Pet Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Yep

Daddy mouse, momma mouse and the mouse children were making their way across the kitchen floor when suddenly the family cat leaped out of the shadows and rushed towards them.

The daddy mouse yelled, "Bow Wow!"

The cat ran away.

Momma mouse and the kids breathed a huge sigh of relief.  Daddy mouse said to them, "And THAT'S is why it's important to learn a second language!"

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In 1861, the American Civil War began as Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter in South Carolina.  (The Union troops holding the fort surrendered the next day.)

In 1877, the catcher's mask was first used in a baseball game, by James Tyng of Harvard in a game against the Lynn Live Oaks.

In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt died of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, Georgia, at age 63; he was succeeded by Vice President Harry S. Truman.

In 1955, the Salk vaccine against polio was declared safe and effective.

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Today-----------------Country Singer Ned Miller is 86, Actress Jane Withers is 85, Jazz musician Herbie Hancock is 71, Actor Frank Bank ("Leave it to Beaver") is 69, Rock singer John Kay (Steppenwolf) is 67, Actor Ed O'Neil is 65, Author Tom Clancy is 64, Talk Show host David Letterman is 64 and Singer David Cassidy is 61.

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April 12th is:  National Be Kind to Lawyers Day, National Licorice Day and Walk on the Wild Side Day.

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Larryj

[sixdogsmom]

I was just five years old, but I do remember my grandmother coming to our house with tears streaming down her face, to deliver the news about President Roosevelt. He was a much loved and respected man.

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------Hah

Mothers and fathers are the same the world over.

Paul Revere's parents:  "We don't care where you think you have to go, young man.  Midnight is well past your curfew."

Mona Lisa's parents:  "After all the money we spent on your braces, that's the best smile you can manage?"

Columbus' parents:  "We don't care what you discovered.  You could have written."

Michelangelo's parents:  We've told you before.  If you draw on the ceiling, you have to climb back up there and scrub it off."

Jonah's parents:  "That's a nice story.  Now tell us where you've really been for the last three days."

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In 1860, the Pony Express completed its inaugural run from St. Joseph, MO., to Sacramento in ten days.

In 1861, Fort Sumter in South Carolina fell as the Union commander, Maj. Robert Anderson agreed to surrender in the face of the Confederates' relentless bombardment.

In 1870, Apollo 13, four-fifths of the way to the moon, was crippled when a tank containing liquid oxygen burst.  (The astronauts managed to return safely.)

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Today-------------------Movie Director Stanley Donen is 87, Actor Lyle Waggoner is 76, Actor Edward Fox is 74, Actor Paul Sorvino is 72, Poet Seamus Heaney is 72, Movie-TV composer Bill Conti is 69, Singer Al Green is 65, Actor Ron Perlman is 61, Actor William Sadler is 61, Bandleader/rock musician Max Weinberg is 60 and Singer Peabo Bryson is 60.

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April 13th is:  Thomas Jefferson Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------groan

An uneducated woodsman saved for a long time to send his son to the city for proper schooling.  At semester break, the son returned home for a visit.  His father asked, "What have you learned?"

The son answered, "Well, I'm taking algebra."

Dad said, "That's excellent.  Say something in algebra."

The son thought for a moment, then replied, "Pi r square."

The old man frowned, "All that money for school, and THAT'S what they're teaching you, that pie are square?  Pie are round, you dumbbell.  CORNBREAD are square!"

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In 1775, the first American society for the abolition of slavery was formed in Philadelphia.

In 1828, the first edition of Noah Webster's "American Dictionary of the English Language" was published.

In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was shot and mortally wounded by John Wilkes Booth during a performance of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's Theater in Washington; the president died nine days later.

In 1912, the British liner RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic and began sinking.

In 1981, the first test flight of America's first operational space shuttle, the Columbia, ended successfully with a landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California.

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Today-------------Actor Bradford Dillman is 81, Actor Jay Robinson is 81, Actress Julie Christie is 71, Retired MLB All-Star Pete Rose is 70, Rock Musician Ritchie Blackmore is 66, Actor John Shea is 62 and Country singer Loretta Lynn is 76.

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April 14th is:  Children with Alopecia Day, International Moment of Laughter Day, National D.A.R.E Day and Pan American Day.

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Larryj