another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------smart woman

An American reporter in Kabul, Afghanistan, noticed that Taliban wives always walk behind their husbands --- usually at a considerable distance.  Sensing the opportunity to write a story on the oppression of women in an extremist culture, the reporter stopped one of the women and asked her, "Do you walk behind your husband as a show of deference?"

The woman shook her head.
The reporter asked, "Then why?"
The woman said, "Land mines."

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In 1852, Harriet Beecher Stowe's influential novel about slavery, "Uncle Tom's Cabin," was first published in book form after being serialized.

In 1899, Martha M. Place of Brooklyn, NY., became the first woman to be executed in the electric chair as she was put to death at Sing Sing for the murder of her stepdaughter.

In 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono in Gibraltar.

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Today-------------British songstress Dame Vera Lynn is 94, Producer-director-comedian Carl Reiner is 89, Actor Hal Linden is 80, Country singer-musician Ranger Doug (Riders in the Sky) is 65, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Orr is 63, Actor William Hurt is 61 and Rock Musician Jimmie Vaughan is 60.

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March 20th is:  (take a deep breath)------Alien Abduction Day, Atheist Pride Day, Bed-in For Peace Day, Great American Meat-out Day, National Jump-out Day, Ostara, National Agriculture Day, Snowman Burning Day, Won't You Be My Neighbor Day, Kiss Your Fiance' Day, Proposal Day and Maple Syrup Day.
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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------good one

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

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In 1907, U.S. Marines arrived in Honduras to protect American lives and interests in the wake of political violence.

In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower and British Prime Minister Harold Macmillan began a four-day conference in Bermuda.

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Today-------------Actor Al Freeman Jr. is 80, Actress Kathleen Widdoes is 72, Actress Marie-Christine Barrault is 67, Singer-musician Rose Stone (Sly and the Family Stone) is 66, Actor Timothy Dalton is 5 and Singer Eddie Money is 62.

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March 21st is:  International Day For The Elimination of Racial Discrimination, Memory Day, National Common Courtesy Day, Naw-Ruz, Spring Fairy Fun Day and World Down Syndrome Day.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

I got a giggle out of that one larry. thanks. Oh, I can see this now!

[larryJ]

Today's---------------I think this might be an old one.

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.

The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?"

Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale . . . "

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In 1638, religious dissident Anne Hutchinson was expelled from the Massachusetts Bay Colony for defying Puritan orthodoxy.

In 1765, Britain enacted the Stamp Act of 1765 to raise money from the American colonies.  (The act was repealed the following year.)

In 1882, President Chester Alan Arthur signed a measure outlawing polygamy.

In 1929, a U.S. Coast Guard vessel sank a Canadian-registered schooner, the I'm Alone, in the Gulf of Mexico.  (The schooner was suspected of carrying bootleg liquor.)

In 1933, during Prohibition, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure to make wine and beer containing up to 3.2 percent alcohol legal.

In 1958, movie producer Mike Todd, the husband of Elizabeth Taylor, and three other people were killed in the crash of Todd's private plane near Grants, NM.

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Today------------Composer-lyricist Stephen Sondheim is 81, Evangelist Broadcaster Pat Robertson is 81, Actor William Shatner is 80, Actor M. Emmet Walsh is 76, Actor-singer Jeremy Clyde is 70, Singer-guitarist George Benson is 68, Writer James Patterson is 64, CNN newscaster Wolf Blitzer is 63 and Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber is 63.

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March 22nd is:  World Water Day, American Diabetes Association Alert Day, As Young As You Fee Day, International Day of the Seal, and International Goof-off Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------good one

The judge says, "Please tell me why you're seeking a divorce."
John says, "Because I live in a two-story house."

The Judge says, "What kind of a reason is that? What the matter with a two-story house?"

John says, "I'll tell you what's the matter. One story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

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In 1775, Patrick Henry delivered an address to the Virginia Provincial Convention in which he is said to have declared, "Give me liberty, or give me death!"

In 1806, explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, having reached the Pacific coast, began their journey back east.

In 1965, America's first two-person space flight began as Gemini 3 blasted off  with astronauts Virgil I. Grissom and John W. Young aboard for a nearly 5-hour flight.

In 1981, the U.S. Supreme Court, in H.K. vs. Matheson, ruled that states could require, with some exceptions, parental notification when teenage girls seek abortion.

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Today----------------Comedian Marty Allen is 89, Sir Roger Bannister, who broke the 4-minute mile in 1954, is 82, Movie director Mark Rydell is 77 and Motorsports Hall-of-Famer Craig Breedlove is 74,

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March 23rd is:  Near Miss Day, National Puppy Day, World Meteorological Day OK Day and Kick Butts Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------that worked

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.

"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."

"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied, "but it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

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In 1958, rock 'n' roll singer Elvis Presley was inducted into the Army in Memphis, Tenn.

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Today-----------Fashion and costume designer Bob Mackie is 72, Rock musician Lee Oskar is 63, Singer Nick Lowe is 62, Fashion Designer Tommy Hillfiger is 60 and Actor R.Lee Emery is 67.

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March 24th is:  World Tuberculosis Day and National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------old but funny

Church bulletin bloopers--------

Don't allow anxiety to ruin your life.  Let the church help.

The Young Mother's Club meets at noon on Mondays.  Those wishing to become Young Mothers, please see the pastor in his study.

There will be a potluck supper on Thursday, with prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the auxiliary have cast off articles of clothing of all kinds.  They may be seen in the church basement.

Next week's service:  "What is Hell?"  Come early and listen to the choir practice.

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In 1634, English colonists sent by Lord Baltimore arrived in present-day Maryland.

In 1965, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. led 25,000 marchers to the state Capitol in Montgomery, Alabama, to protest the denial of voting rights to blacks.

In 1991, "Dances with Wolves" won seven Oscars, including best picture, at the 63rd annual Academy Awards.

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Today------------Modeling agency founder Eileen Ford is 89, Movie reviewer Gene Shalit is 85, Former astronaut James Lovell is 83, Feminist activist and author Gloria Steinem is 77, Singer Anita Bryant is 71, Actor Paul Michael Glaser is 68, Singer Elton John is 64, Actress Bonnie Bedelia is 63 and Singer Aretha Franklin is 69.

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March 25th is:  National Day of Celebration of Greek and American Democracy, International Day of Remembrance of the Victims of Slavery and the Transatlantic Slave Trade,  Old New Years Day, Pecan Day, Slave Trade Day and Tolkien Reading Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------have we seen this one before?

A bagpiper was asked to play at a grave site service in a rural county.  It was raining and he got lost on the way.  He made many wrong turns.  Finally, he spotted the small group of people gathered in the rain at the far end of the park.  He stopped his car and rushed over with his bagpipes.

He was seriously late.  The preacher had gone.  The mourners had gone.  Only the gravediggers were left, and they were busy filling the hole.

The sorrowful piper apologized to the men, then said he would play "Amazing Grace" out of respect.  He played and he played beautifully.  The men stopped digging and stood in a prayerful circle in the rain.  The piper played on.  It was very moving.  The diggers joined hands.  Many of them wept.

Finally, the piper finished.  He bowed, said farewell to the men, then ran with his bagpipes back to his car.

The diggers stood where they were.  Finally, one of them broke the silence.  

"Well, I ain't never seen anything like that before," he said, "And I've been digging septic tanks for 25 years."

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In 1804, the Louisiana Purchase was divided into the Territory of Orleans and the District of Louisiana.

In 1874, poet Robert Frost was born in San Francisco.

In 1917, the Seattle Metropolitans became the first U.S. team to win the Stanley Cup as they defeated the Montreal Canadiens.

In 1958, the U.S. Army launched America's third successful satellite, Explorer 3.

In 1979, a peace treaty was signed by Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin and Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and witnessed by President Jimmy Carter at the White House.

In 1997, the bodies of 39 cult members of the Heaven's Gate techno-religious cult who'd committed suicide were found inside a rented mansion in Ranch Santa Fe.

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Today------------Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Conner is 81, Actor-director Leonard Nemoy is 80, Actor Alan Arkin is 77, House Representative Nancy Pelosi is 71, Actor James Caan is 71, Journalist Bob Woodward is 68, Singer Diana Ross is 67, Rock Singer Steven Tyler is 63, Signer and TV personality Vicki Lawrence is 62 and Comedian Martin Short is 61.

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March 26th is:  Legal Assistant's Day, Earth Hour (not to be confused with Earth Day; this one pertains to turning off lights), and Make Up Your Own Holiday Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------from the mouths of..............

My two great-grandchildren asked their Mom, "What are we having for dinner?"

She replied, "We're having roast beef."

Ashlyn said, "I'll try it."

Ayiana said, "I'm not eating it."

Mom said, "Now, Ayiana.  Don't you remember that nursery rhyme you used to like, the one that said, 'This little piggy had roast beef'?"

Ayiana said, "Yes. It also said, 'And this little piggy had none.'"

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In 1961, nine black students from Tougaloo College in Mississippi staged a "read-in" at the whites-only Jackson Municipal Library, and were arrested.

In 1964, Alaska was hit by a powerful earthquake and tsunamis that killed about 130 people.

In 1977, 583 people were killed when a KLM Boeing 747, attempting to take off, crashed into a Pan Am 747 on the Canary Island of Tenerife.

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Today-------------Former newspaper columnist Anthony Lewis is 84,  Actor Julian Glover is 76, Actor Jerry Lacy is 75, Actor Austin Pendleton is 71 and Actor Michael York is 69. 

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March 27th is:  Celebrate Exchange Day, Education and Sharing Day, Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day and Viagara Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------Groaner, big time--------

The patient said, "Doc, you must check my leg.  Something is wrong.  My knee is killing me, my calf aches unbearably and my ankle is swollen to twice its size.  What do you suppose can be wrong?"

The doctor examined the knee closely and heard a tiny voice that said, "Can you spare any change?"

The doctor checked the patients calf and heard another tiny voice that said, "Please, sir, can you loan me a few dollars?"

The doctor checked the patients ankle and heard a third tiny voice that said, "Please, I have no money.  Anything will help."

The doctor stood, stroked his chin, pondered the situation, then pronounced, "I've never seen anything quite like this, but your leg seems to be broke in three places."

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In 1834, the U.S. Senate voted to censure President Andrew Jackson for the removal of federal deposits from the Bank of the United States.

In 1898, the Supreme Court, in United States v. Wong Kim Ark, ruled that a child born in the United States to Chinese immigrants was a U.S. citizen.

In 1941, novelist and critic Virginia Woolf, 59, drowned herself near her home in Lewes, East Sussex, England.

In 1969, the 34th president of the United States, Dwight D. Eisenhower, died in Washington. D.C., at age 78.

In 1978, in Stump v. Sparkman, the U.S. Supreme Court voted 5-3 to uphold the judicial immunity of an Indiana judge against a lawsuit brought by a young woman who'd been ordered sterilized by the judge when she was a teenager.

In 1979, America's worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside the Unit 2 reactor at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, PA.

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Today-----------------Former White House national security advisor Zbigniew Brzezinski is 83, Country Musician Charlie McCoy is 70, Movie director Mike Newell is 69, Actress Conchita Ferrell is 68, Actor Ken Howard is 67 and Actress Dianne Weist is 63.

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March 28th is: Weed Appreciation Day.

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Larryj