another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------------eewwwww

A tour bus driver has a vehicle full of senior citizens.  As he's driving, he gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.

She  offers him a handful of peanuts, which he eats and enjoys.  After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts.  She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him yet another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks her why she doesn't eat them herself.

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she says, gesturing to indicate the other passengers on the bus.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why did you bring them then?"

The little old lady replies, "We love the chocolate around them!"

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In 1888, the famous Blizzard of '88 began inundating the northeastern United States, resulting in some 400 deaths.

In 1942, as Japanese forces continued to advance in the Pacific during World War II, Gen. Douglas MacArthur left the Philippines for Australia.  (MacArthur, who subsequently vowed, "I shall return," kept that promise more than 2 1/2 years later.)

In 1965, the Rev. James J. Reeb, a white minister from Boston, died after being beaten by whites during civil rights disturbances in Selma, Alabama.

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Today------------Media mogul Rupert Murdoch is 80, ABC News correspondent Sam Donaldson is 77, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is 75, Singer Bobby McFerrin is 61 and Movie director Jerry Zucker is 61.

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March 11th is:  Dream 2010 Day, Johnny Appleseed Day and Middle Name Pride Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------smart

The phone rings at police headquarters.  "My neighbor is hiding drugs inside some logs in his shed," the caller says.

Next day, officers raid the shed, bust open every log, but find nothing.  They leave.

The phone rings at the neighbor's house.  "Hey, Bill, did the police come?" the caller said.

"They sure did."

"Did they split all your firewood for you?"

"They sure did."

"Great, now it's your turn to call.  I need my garden plowed."

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In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt delivered the first of his 30 radio "fireside chats," telling Americans what was being done to deal with the nation's economic crisis.

In 1951, "Dennis The Menace," created by cartoonist Hank Ketcham, made its syndicated debut in 16 newspapers.

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Today----------------Playwright Edward Albee is 83, Former Atlanta Mayor Andrew Young is 79, Actress Barbara Feldon is 78, Broadcast journalist Lloyd Dobyns is 75, Singer Al Jareau is 71, Singer-songwriter James Taylor is 63, Actor Jon Provost is 61 and Actress -singer Liza Minnelli is 65.

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March 12th is:  Genealogy Day and Girl Scout Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------good one for a Sunday morning.

TOP 5 THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

5.  "The blood bank mentioned this might happen."

4.  "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot!"

3.  "Unbelievable; I thought that cold medicine said DAYTIME!"

2.  "Whew!  Guess I left the top off that liquid paper."

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.........Amen."

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In 1781, the seventh planet of the solar system, Uranus, was discovered by Sir William Herschel.

In 1928, hundreds of people died when the San Francisquito Valley in California was inundated with water after the St. Francis Dam burst just before midnight the evening of March 12.

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Today------------Jazz musician Roy Haynes is 86, Country singer Jan Howard is 81, Singer-songwriter Neil Sedaka is 72 and Actor William H. Macy is 61.

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March 13th is:  (hold on)---Donald Duck Day, Earmuffs Day, International Fanny Pack Day, Good Samaritan Involvement Day, K-9 Veterans Day, Ken Day, L. Ron Hubbard Day, National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day, Check Your Batteries Day and Daylight Savings begins.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Correction-------------International Fanny Pack Day is actually observed on the second Saturday of March, so it was celebrated yesterday.

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------variation of an older joke

The kids filed into class on Monday morning.  They were very excited.  Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a report.

Little Mary led off.  "I sold Girl Scout cookies and made $60," she said.

"Very Good," the teacher said.

Sally was next.  "I sold magazines," she said, "and I made $50."

"Nicely done," the teacher said.

Little Johnny was next.  He walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.  "$2,490!" he announced.  "I sold toothbrushes for 10 bucks each."

"$2,490!" the teacher cried.  "How did you sell that many toothbrushes? And for that much?"

"I set up a homemade fudge stand, and I gave out free samples to everyone who walked by.  Everyone who tried it would spit it out immediately and say, "This tastes like cow pie!"

Then I would say, "It is.  Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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In 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin, an invention that revolutionized America's cotton industry.

In 1900, Congress ratified the Gold Standard Act.

In 1923, President Warren G. Harding became the first chief executive to file an income tax report.

In 1951, during the Korean War, United Nations forces recaptured Seoul.

In 1961, the New Testament of the New English Bible was first published.

In 1964, a jury in Dallas found Jack Ruby guilty of murdering Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, and sentenced him to death.  (Both the conviction and death sentence were later overturned, but Ruby died before he could be retried.)

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Today-----------Former Astronaut Frank Borman is 83, Singer Phil Phillips is 80, Actor Michael Caine is 78, Former astronaut Eugene Cernan is 77, Actor Raymond J. Barry is 72, Actor Steve Kanaly is 65, Comedian Billy Chrystal is 63 and Conductor-composer Quincy Jones is 78.

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March 14th is:  International Ask A Question Day, MOTH-ER Day, Napping Day, Potato Chip Day and Pi Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------old

One day President Obama fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.

Obama thanked them and said he wanted to reward them.  He asked for their addresses and phone numbers, then asked them what they wanted more than anything in the world.

The first boy said he wanted to go to Disneyland.  The president nodded and said, "I'll make the arrangements."

The second boy said he wanted an iPhone and a pair of Nike shoes.  "I'll take care of it," the president said.

The third boy asked for a wheelchair with hydraulics, cup holders and a mounted plasma TV.

The president, puzzled, said, "Why do you want a tricked-out wheelchair?  You don't look like you need one."

The boy replied, "I will, after my dad finds out I saved you."

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In 44 B.C., Roman dictator Julius Caesar was assassinated by a group of nobles that included Brutus and Cassius.

In 1493, Christopher Columbus returned to Spain, concluding his first voyage to the Western Hemisphere.

In 1919, members of the American Expeditionary Force from World War I convened in Paris for a three-day meeting to found the American Legion.

In 1956, the musical play "My Fair Lady," based on Bernard Shaw's "Pygmalion," opened on Broadway.

In 1964 actress Elizabeth Taylor married actor Richard Burton in Montreal; it was her fifth marriage, his second.

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Today-------------Musician DJ Fontana is 80, Former astronaut Alan L. Bean is 79, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is 78, Actor Judd Hirsch is 76, Rock musician Phil Lech is 71, Singer Mike Love (The Beach Boys) is 70 and Rock musician Sly Stone is 68.

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March 15th is:  Brutus Day, Buzzard's Day, Ides of March, True Confessions Day and World Consumer Rights Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------smart man

A young technician and his general manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his general manager all at the same time!!

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In 1802, President Thomas Jefferson signed a measure authorizing the establishment of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, N.Y.

In 1926, rocket science pioneer Robert H. Goddard successfully tested the first liquid-fueled rocket, in Auburn, Mass.

In 1968, during the Vietnam War, the My Lai massacre of Vietnamese civilians was carried out by U.S. Army troops; estimates of the death toll vary between 347 and 504.

In 1984, William Buckley, the CIA station chief in Beirut, was kidnapped by terrorists (he was tortured by his captors and killed in 1985).

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Today-------------Comedian-director Jerry Lewis is 85, Country singer Ray Walker (The Jordanaires) is 77, Game Show host Chuck Woolery is 70, Singer-songwriter Jerry Jeff Walker is 69, Country singer Robin Williams is 64, Actor Erik Estrada is 62 and Actress Kate Nelligan is 60.

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March 16th is:  Curlew Day, Freedom of Information Day, Goddard Day, Lips Appreciation Day, St. Urho's Day and Well-elderly or Welderly Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------Tough being a guy

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

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In A.D. 461,(or A.D. 493, depending on sources), St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland, died in Saul.

In 1762, New York's first St. Patrick's Day parade took place.

In 1776, British forces evacuated Boston during the Revolutionary War.

In 1910, the Camp Fire Girls organization was formed.  (It was formally presented to the public on this date two years later.)

In 1950, scientists at the University of California at Berkeley announced they had created a new radioactive element, "californium."

In 1966, a U.S. midget submarine located a missing hydrogen bomb which had fallen from an American bomber into the Mediterranean off Spain.
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Today---------------The former national chairwoman of the NAACP Myrtle Evers-Williams is 78, Rock musician Paul Kantner is 70, Singer-songwriter Jim Weatherly is 68, Singer-songwriter John Sebastian (The Lovin' Spoonful) is 67, Actor Patrick Duffy is 62 and Actor Kurt Russell is 60.

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March 17th is:  Absolutely Incredible Kid Day, Camp Fire Girls Day, Ta'ant Esther and St. Patrick's Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------wee wee, I mean hee hee

The three little pigs went out for dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink orders. "I want a Sprite," said the first little piggie. "I would like to have a Coke," said the second little piggie. "I want a beer and lots of beer!" replied the third little piggie!

The drinks were brought and the waiter took their dinner orders. "I want a big, thick steak," said the first little piggie. "I want the salad plate," said the second little piggie. "I want a beer and lots of beer!" said the third little piggie!

The meals were brought out and a little while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I would like a banana split," said the first little piggie. "I want cheesecake," said the second little piggie. "I want a beer and lots of beer!" exclaimed the third little piggie!

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggie, but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggie says...

*
*
*

"Well somebody has to wee, wee, wee all the way home!"

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In 1766, Britain repealed the Stamp Act of 1765.

In 1861, Sam Houston stepped down as governor of Texas after refusing to accept the state's decision to secede from the Union.

In 1911, Irving Berlin's first major hit song, "Alexander's Ragtime Band," was first published by Ted Snyder & Co. of New York.

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Today---------------Country singer Charlie Pride is 73, Actor Kevin Dobson is 68 and Actor Brad Dourif is 61.

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March 18th is:  Awkward Moments Day, Forgive Mom & Dad Day and National Biodiesel Day..

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------yep

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."

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In 1918, Congress approved daylight-savings time.

In 1920, the Senate rejected, for a second time, the Treaty of Versailles by a vote of 49 in favor, 35 against, falling short of the two-thirds needed for approval.

In 1931, Nevada Governor Fred B. Balzar signed a measure legalizing casino gambling.

In 1941, Jimmy Dorsey and Orchestra recorded "Green Eyes" and "Maria Elena" for Decca Records.

In 1951, Herman Wouk's World War II novel "The Caine Mutiny" was first published.

In 1979, the U.S. House of Representatives began televising its day-to-day business.

In 2001, California officials declared a power alert, ordering the first of two days of rolling blackouts.

In 2003, President George W. Bush ordered the start of war against Iraq.

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Today--------------Jazz musician Ornette Coleman is 81, Author Philip Roth is 78, Actress Rene Taylor is 78, Actress-singer Phyllis Newman is 78, Actress Ursula Andress is 75, Singer Clarence "Frogman" Henry is 74, Singer Ruth Pointer (The Pointer Sisters) is 65, and Actress Glenn Close is 64.

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March 19th is: Corn Dog Day, National Chocolate Caramel Day, Operation Iraqi Freedom Day, Perigee Moon, Perigean Tides, Purim 19-20 and Swallows Return to San Juan Capistrano Day.

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Larryj