another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----------this guy is blond

The man in the upstairs apartment hosted a boisterous party that lasted most of the night.  The following morning, the man who lived downstairs confronted him.

He said, "Didn't you hear me pounding on the ceiling?"

"Oh, that's OK," his neighbor said.  "We were making a lot of noise, too."

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In 1821, the first native-born American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton died in Emmitsburg, Md.

In 1861, Alabama sized a federal arsenal at Mount Vernon near Mobile.

In 1896, Utah was admitted as the 45th state.

In 1965, President Lyndon B.. Johnson outlined the goals of his "Great Society" in his State of the Union address.  And, Poet T.S. Eliot died in London at age 76.

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon refused to hand over tape recordings and documents subpoenaed by the Senate Watergate Committee.

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Today------------------Actress Barbara Rush is 84, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Don Shula is 81, Actress Dyan Cannon is 74 and Author-historian Doris Kearns Goodwin is 68.

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January 4 is feast day for Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------Hah

Shaun and his girlfriend were having dinner at a nice restaurant.  Another man entered the establishment and Shaun's girlfriend waved at him enthusiastically.

"Is that man a friend of yours?" Shaun asked.

"Yes," she replied.

"Then I think I'll ask him to join us."

"Oh, Shaun, this is so sudden!"

"Sudden?  What do you mean?"

"He's the pastor of my church.  What do YOU mean?"

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In 1781, a British naval expedition led by traitor Benedict Arnold burned Richmond, VA.

In 1925, Nellie T. Ross became the first female governor in U.S. history in Wyoming.

In 1933, the 30th president of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, died in Northampton, Mass. at age 60.

In 1949, in his State of the Union Address, President Harry S. Truman labeled his administration as the Fair Deal.

In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower proposed assistance to countries to help them resist Communist aggression;  this became known as the Eisenhower Doctrine.

In 1994, Thomas P. "Tip" O'Neill, former Speaker of the House, died in Boston at age 81.

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Today----------Former Vice President Walter F. Mondale is 83, Actor Robert Duvall is 80, Football Hall-of-Fame coach Chuck Noll is 79, and Actor Ted Lange is 63.

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January 5th is National Bird Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------Out of the mouths of babes category

The young girl studied her baby brother and asked, "Why can't he talk yet?"

Mom replied, "Oh, honey, he's just a baby.  Babies can't talk."

"Yes, they can.  I learned it in Sunday school."

"Sunday school?"

"Yes, the teacher told us a story about a man named Job who cursed the day he was born."

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In 1759, George Washington and Martha Dandridge Custis were married in New Kent County, VA.

In 1838, Samuel Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first public demonstration of their telegraph in Morristown, NJ.

In 1861, Florida militiamen seized the federal arsenal in Chattahoochee.

In 1912, New Mexico became the 47th state.

In 1919, the 26th president of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, died in Oyster Bay, NY, at age 60.

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Today------------------Pollster Louis Harris is 90, Bluegrass performer Earl Scruggs is 87 Actress Bonnie Franklin is 67 and Musician Joey,m the CowPolka King (Riders in the Sky) is 62.

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January 6 is Three Kings Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------just keep it down.

An evening lecture was in progress at the municipal auditorium, and a fellow in the front row could not stay awake.  When he dozed off for the third time, the indignant speaker pointed a finger at him and thundered from the stage, "Sir, you cannot sleep in here."

Startled awake, the man blurted out, "Well, if you'd stop talking, I could manage it."

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In 1608, an accidental fire devastated the Jamestown settlement in the Virginia Colony.

In 1789, the first U.S. presidential election was held.  Americans voted for electors who, a month later, chose George Washington to be the nation's first president.

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Today------------Author William Peter Blatty is 83, Country singer Jack Greene is 81, Pop musician Paul Revere is 73, Singer Kenny Loggins is 63 and Actress Erin Gray is 61.

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January 7th is "I'm not going to take it anymore" day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------another "out of the mouths of babes" category

Grandma was visiting, and everyone was having a nice conversation in the living room.  At length, though, Grandma became distracted by little Susie, her granddaughter, who stood close by and stared at her.

Finally, she turned to Susie and said, "What's the matter, dear?  Why are you staring?"

Susie said, "Where did you get your face?"

Grandma was taken aback, but after a moment's pause she answered, "Well, I suppose God gave it to me."

Susie thought it over, then said, "Was that the only one He had?"

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In 1811, Charles Deslondes (some sources say "Deslandes") led an uprising of hundreds of slaves in the Territory of Orleans in present-day Louisiana.  (The revolt, which claimed the lives of two whites, failed on its third day, and Deslondes and many of his followers were killed by federal and local troops.)

In 1935, rock 'n' roll legend Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi.

In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson declared a "War on Poverty" in his State of the Union address.

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Today-----------Actor-comedian Larry Storch is 88, CBS Newsman Charles Osgood is 78, Singer Shirley Bassey is 74, Game show host Bob Eubanks is 73, Country-gospel singer Cristy Lane is 71, Rhythm-and-blues singer Anthony Gourdine (Little Anthony and the Imperials) is 70 and Rock singer David Bowie is 64.

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January 8th is Bubble Bath Day, Fruitcake Toss Day and National English Toffee Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------yep---uh huh

Hubby is reading the newspaper.  Suddenly he shouts to his wife, "Aha! I'm always telling you that women talk too much.  Here's a story that proves it.  Scientists have found that men use 15,000 words a day, while women use 30,000.  Here, check it out."

Triumphantly, he handed her the newspaper.

She scanned the article, then said, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

Hubby said, "What?"

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In 1913, Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th president of the United States was born in Yorba Linda, CA.

In 1968, the Surveyor 7 space probe made a soft landing on the moon, marking the end of the American series of unmanned explorations of the lunar surface.

In 1972, reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes, speaking by telephone from the Bahamas to reporters in Hollywood, said a purported biography of him by Clifford Irving was a fake.

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Today-----------Author Judith Krantz is 83, Football Hall-of-Famer Bart Starr is 77, Sportscaster Dick Enberg is 76, Folk Singer Joan Baez is 70, Actress  Susannah York is 70 and Singer Chrystal Gayle is 60.

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January 9 is Balloon Ascension Day, Positively Penguins Day and Stephen Foster Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------good boy

The farmer's son finished his chores in the chicken coop and walked away.  A few minutes later he returned and discovered that he must have left the gate open.  All the chickens were gone.

Frantically, he went in search of them.  His father would be furious with him.

He found a few here, a few there. He brought them back.  He widened his search and found more.  He brought them back. He scoured the whole neighborhood, over hill and dale, and found more.  He brought them back.

Finally, he went into the house hanging his head.  "Father," he said, "I'm sorry.  The chickens got out.  But I brought back almost 100 of them."

His father took him firmly by the shoulder.  "Son,"You did well.  We only had 80 to begin with."

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In 1776, Thomas Paine anonymously published his influential pamphlet, "Common Sense."

In 1901, the Spindletop oil field in Beaumont, Texas, produced the Lucas Gusher, heralding the start of the Texas oil boom.

In 1920, the League of Nations was established as the Treaty of Versailles went into effect.

In 1961, the University of Georgia, under court order, admitted its first two black students, Hamilton Homes and Charlayne Hunter(now reporter Charlayne Hunter-Gault.)

In 1971, "Masterpiece Theatre" premiered on PBS with host Alistair Cooke introducing the drama series "The First Churchill's."

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Today-------------Rock-singer-musician Ronnie Hawkins is 76, Baseball Hall-of-famer Willie McCovey is 73, Singer Scott McKenzie is 72, Singer Rod Stewart is 66, Actor William Sanderson is 63. International Boxing Hall-of-Famer George Foreman is 62 and Singer Frank Sinatra, Jr. is 67.

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January 10th is National Cut Your Energy Day, National Clean Off Your Desk Day and United Nations Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------funny

The men were talking.  Said one, "Nobody's perfect."  There was much nodding of heads.

One of the men disagreed, however.  "Frank Feldman was perfect," he said.

"Who the heck is Frank Feldman?" the first guy asked.

"Oh, let me tell you.  Frank Feldman was an immaculate dresser, always looked his best.  He was good to his woman, made her feel special, never argued.  He was strong, athletic, had a great singing voice.  He could dance with the stars, too.  And he was handy with tools.  He could fix anything.  He always had a smile for everyone.  Kids loved him.  He remembered everyone's birthday."

"OK, OK," the first man said.  "The guy's perfect already.  How do you know him?"

"Oh, I never met him.  He died.  I married his wife."

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In 1805, the Michigan Territory was created by an act of Congress.

In 1861, Alabama became the fourth state to withdraw from the Union, with delegates voting 61-39 in favor of an Ordinance of Secession during a convention in Montgomery.

In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon National Monument (it became a national park in 1919.)

In 1935, aviator Amelia Earhart began an 18-hour trip from Honolulu to Oakland that made her the first woman to fly solo across the Pacific Ocean.

In 1964, U.S. Surgeon General Luther Terry issued the first government report that said smoking may be hazardous to one's health.

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Today----------Producer Grant Tinker is 86, Actor Rod Taylor is 81, Composer Mary Rodgers is 80, Actor Mitchell Ryan is 77, Actor Felix Silla is 74 and Country Singer Naomi Judd is 65.

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January 11th is National Smoking is Hazardous to Your Health Day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------Old but funny

Sherlock Holmes and his friend Dr. Watson are on a camping trip.  On the first night, they climb into their sleeping bags and prepare to sleep.  Soon, though, the great detective breaks the silence.

"Watson," he says, "look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The good doctor replies,"I see millions of stars."

Holmes says, "And, what does that tell you?"

Watson, after some thought, says, "Astronomically, it tells me that the universe is immense.  Theologically, it tells me that God is mighty.  Meteorologically, it tells me that tomorrow is likely to be a beautiful day.  What does it tell you?"

And Holmes says, "Watson, you idiot!  We forgot to bring the tent!"

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In 1773, the  first public museum in America was organized in Charleston, SC.

In 1915, the U.S. House of Representatives rejected, 204-174, a constitutional amendment giving women the right to vote.

In 1932, Hattie W. Caraway became the first woman elected to the U.S. Senate, after serving out the remainder of her late husband, Thaddeus.

In 1948, the Supreme Court ruled that state law schools could not discriminate against applicants on the basis of race.

In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr. founded Motown Records (originally Tamla Records) in Detroit.

In 1966, President Lyndon B. Johnson said in his State of the Union address that the U.S. should stay in South Vietnam until Communist aggression there was ended.

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Today-------------Actress Luise Rainer is 101, Singer Glenn Yarborough is 81, Country Singer William Lee Golden (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 72, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Joe Frazier is 67, Actor Anthony Andrews is 63, Radio Commentator Rush Limbaugh is 60 and Actress Kirstie Alley is 60.

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January 12 is National Marzipan Day

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------oopsies

An old spinster sits on her front porch polishing a lamp she had ordered on eBay.  Suddenly, a genie bursts forth from the lamp and offers to grant three wishes.

Excited, the old maid says, "Well, I always did wish I had enough money to live more comfortably."

Poof!  Her rocking chair is solid gold.

"Your second wish?" the genie asks.

"Oh, I would love to be young and beautiful."

Poof!  She is like a princess.

"Your third and final wish?" the genie asks.

Her cat wanders onto the porch.  "Oh, I know," she says.  "Turn my cat into a handsome prince."

Poof.  It is done.  The genie vanishes into the lamp.

"This is wonderful!" she exclaims to her new prince.  "We can build a castle, and marry and have children!"

The prince gives her a sour look.  "Not likely," he says.  "You had me neutered, remember."

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In 1794, President George Washington approved a measure adding two stars and two stripes to the American flag, following the admission of Vermont and Kentucky to the Union.  (The number of stripes was later reduced to the original 13.)

In 1941, a new law went into effect granting Puerto Ricans U.S. birthright citizenship.

In 1962, comedian Erinie Kovacs died in a car crash in west Los Angeles 10 days before his 43rd birthday.

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Today------------Country singer Liz Anderson is 81, Actress Frances Sternhagen is 81, TV personality Nick Clooney is 77, Comedian Rip Taylor is 77, Actor Billy Gray is 73 and Actor Richard Moll is 68.

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January 13th is Public Radio Broadcasting Day and Rubber Ducky Day.

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Larryj