another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------------good thinking

An elderly couple were tired of being ignored by their grown children.  On Thanksgiving week the man calls the couple's son and says, "Your mother and I are getting a divorce."  The shocked son calls his sister who says, "I'll handle this."  The daughter calls her father and says, "Don't do ANYTHING until my brother and I get there.  We'll be there Wednesday night."

The old man says, "All right," then hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving.  Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

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In 1775, (thinking of ya, Jarhead) the U.S. Marines were organized under authority of the Continental Congress.

In 1938, Kate Smith first sang Irving Berlin's "God Bless America" on her CBS radio program.

In 1954, the U.S. Marine Corps Memorial , depicting the raising of the American flag on Iwo Jima in 1945, was dedicated by President Dwight D. Eisenhower in Arlington, Virginia.

In 1969, the children's educational program "Sesame Street" made its debut on National Education Television (later PBS.)

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Today-------Actor Russell Johnson is 86, Country singer Donna Fargo is 69, Rock singer-musician Greg Lake (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 63, Actor Jack Scalia is 60 and American Indian activist Russell Means is 71.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------funnnnny

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking beers.  The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!  We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"  "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.  "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.  Just let me do the talkin', OK?"   Well, they finished their beers, and each man put a label on his forehead.  When they reached the checkpoint, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"  Earl replied, "No, sir.  We're on the patch!"

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In 1620, 41 Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower, anchored off Massachusetts, signed a compact calling for a "body politick."

In 1831, former slave Nat Turner, who'd led a violent insurrection, was executed in Jerusalem, Virginia.

In 1921, the remains of an unidentified American service member were interred in the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery in a ceremony presided over by President Warren G. Harding.

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Today----------Comedian Jonathon Winters is 85, Jazz Singer-musician Mose Allison is 83, Author Carlos Fuentes is 82, Actress Bibi Andersson is 75 and Country Singer Narvel Felts is 72.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------OUCH!

My name is Alice Smith and I always thought I looked good for my age.

Until today.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.  I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.  I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

To make conversation, though, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.  "Yes, I did," he said.  Surprised, I asked, "When did you graduate?"  He answered, "In 1967."  I exclaimed, "Why, you were in my class!  I didn't recognize you!"

He looked at me closely, then asked,------------

(wait for it)


"What did you teach?"

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In 1815, American suffragist Elizabeth Cady Stanton was born in Johnstown, NY.

In 1908, Supreme Court Justice Harry Blackman was born in Nashville, Tenn.

In 1942, the World War II naval battle of Guadalcanal began.  (The Allies ended up winning a major victory over the Japanese.)

In 1977, the city of New Orleans elected its first black mayor, Ernest  "Dutch" Morial, the winner of a runoff.

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Today-------Rhythm-and-blues singer Ruby Nash Curtis (Ruby and the Romantics) is 71, Singer Brian Hyland is 67, Rock Musician Booker T. Jones (Booker T. and the MG's) is 66, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 66, Singer-songwriter Neil Young is 65 and Country/gospel singer Barbara Fairchild is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------another redneck joke
 
So a dude turns to the guy next to him at a bar and asks, "Hey, do you wanna hear a good redneck story?"

The guy replies, "Buddy, I'm six feet, 210 pounds, and ma name's Billy Joe.  You see the guy on the other side of you?  That there's Bubba.  He's 225 pounds of solid muscle and he's a redneck.  And the fella next to him?  Mike's a trucker who weighs 295 and he's a redneck, too.  Now, do you still want to tell your redneck story?"

The guy says, "Naw, you're right.  I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"

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In 1909, 259 men and boys were killed when fire erupted inside a coal mine in Cherry, IL.

In 1927, the Holland Tunnel opened to the public, providing access between lower Manhattan and New Jersey beneath the Hudson River.

In 1940, the Walt Disney animated movie, "Fantasia" had its world premier in New York.

In 1956, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public city and state buses.

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Today------------Actress Madeleine Sherwood is 88, Journalist-author Peter Arnett is 76, Producer-director Garry Marshall is 76, Actor Jimmy Hawkins is 69, Actor Joe Mantegna is 63 and Actress Sheila Frazier is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------from the archives------stupid paper didn't get the joke in today

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."

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In 1851, Herman Melville's novel "Moby-Dick; Or, The Whale" was first published in the United States.

In 1881, Charles J. Guiteau went on trial for assassinating President James A. Garfield.  (Guiteau was convicted and hanged the following year.)

In 1910,  Eugene B. Ely became the first aviator to takeoff from a ship as his Curtiss pusher rolled off a sloping platform on the deck of the scout cruiser USS Birmingham off Hampton Roads, VA.

IN 1969, Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.

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Today------Actress Kathleen Hughes is 82, Former NASA astronaut Fred Haise is 77, Jazz musician Ellis Marsalis is 76, Writer P.J. O'Rourke is 63, Britain's Prince Charles is 62 and Rock singer-musician James Young (Styx) is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------GROANER!!!!!


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant admiring a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.  He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.  "Oh I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops the eye back in place.  "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."

She joins him at his table and they finish dinner.  Then they enjoy dessert.  She pays for everything.  Afterwards, they go to the theatre, followed by drinks.  Again, she pays for everything.  They talk, they laugh.  She shares her deepest dreams with him.  The guy is head-over-heels by now.  What a great evening.

He confides in her, "You may be the finest woman I've ever met.  Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

(here it comes)

She replies, "No. You just happened to catch my eye."

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In 1777, the Second Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation, a precursor to the Constitution of the United States.

In 1806, explorer Zebulon Pike sighted the mountaintop now known as Pikes Peak in present-day Colorado.

In 1939, President Franklin D. Roosevelt laid the cornerstone of the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.

In 1966, the flight of Gemini 12 ended successfully as astronauts James A. Lovell and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin splashed down safely in the Atlantic Ocean.

In 1969, a quarter of a million protesters staged a peaceful demonstration in Washington against the Vietnam War.

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Today----------Judge Joseph Wapner is 91, Statesman Howard H. Baker, Jr. is 85, Actor John Kerr is 79. Singer Petula Clark is 78, Comedian Jack Burns is 77, Actress Joanna Barnes is 76, Actor Sam Waterson is 70, Singer Frida (ABBA) is 65 and Actor Ed Asner is 81.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------DUH!

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens will not work in zero gravity. 

To combat this problem, NASA scientists and engineers spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 degrees centigrade.

The Russians use a pencil.

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In 1776, British troops captured Fort Washington in New York during the American Revolution.

In 1933. the United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.

In 1960, Academy Award-winning actor Clark Gable died in Los Angeles at age 59 shortly after he completed filming "The Misfits" with co-star Marilyn Monroe.

In 1982, an agreement was announced in the 57th day of a strike by National Football  League players.

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Today-----------Actor Lou Gulager is 82, Journalist Elizabeth Drew is 75, Blues Musician W.C. Clark is 71, Actress Joanna Pettet is 68, Actor Steve Railsback is 65 and Actor David Leisure is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------old but still meaningful

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.  I want you to prepare by reading Mark 17."

The following week, the minister asked for a show of hands.  How many had read Mark 17?

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled wryly and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters.  I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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In 1800, Congress held its first session in Washington in the partially completed Capitol Building.

In 1979, Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini ordered the release of 13 black and/or female American hostages being held at the U.S. Embassy in Tehran.

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Today-----------------Rock Musician Gerry McGee (The Ventures) is 73, Singer Gordon Lightfoot is 72, Singer-Songwriter Bob Gaudio is 69, Movie director Martin Scorsese is 68, Actress Lauren Hutton is 67, Actor-director Danny DeVito is 66 and Baseball Hall-of-famer Tom Seaver is 66.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------whew!!

There were four expectant fathers in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"  He says, "Well, what do you know?  I work for the Minnesota Twins, so that's great!"

Later, the nurse comes out and tells the next father, "Congratulations!  You're the father of triplets!"  He says, "Awesome, I work for 3M."

Later, the nurse comes out and tells the next father, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!"  He says, "How perfect is that?  I work for Channel 4!"

The next guy promptly jumps out the window.  The horrified nurse cries, "Why did he do that?!"

The other fathers say, in unison, "He works for Seven-Up."

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In 1883, the United States and Canada adopted a system of standard time zones.

In 1928, Walt Disney's first sound-synchronized animated cartoon, "Steamboat Willie" starring Mickey Mouse, premiered in New York.

In 1966, U.S. Roman Catholic bishops did away with the rule against eating meat on Fridays outside of Lent.

In 1978, U.S. Rep. Leo J. Ryan, D-Calif, and four others were killed in Jonestown, Guyana, by members of the Peoples Temple; the killings were followed by a night of mass murder and suicide by more than 900 cult members.

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Today-----------------Actress Brenda Vaccaro is 71, Actress Linda Evans is 68, Country singer Jacky Ward is 67, Actor Jameson Parker is 63 and Singer Graham Parker is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------funny

A preacher was completing his sermon on temperance, and with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

Then, with even greater emphasis he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

Finally, with a booming voice he cried, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

He sat down.

The choir director advanced to the podium and said, "Let us all rise for the singing of our closing hymn, 'Shall We Gather at the River!'"

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In 1794, the United States and Britain signed Jay's Treaty, which resolved some issues left over from the Revolutionary War.

In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address as he dedicated a national cemetery at the site of the Civil War battlefield in Pennsylvania.

In 1969, Apollo 12 astronauts Charles Conrad and Alan Bean made the second manned landing on the moon.

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Today---------Actor Alan Young is 91, Talk show host Larry King is 77, Talk show host Dick Cavett is 74, Broadcasting and sports mogul Ted Turner is 72, Fashion Designer Calvin Klein is 68, Sportscaster Ahmad Rashad is 61 and Actor Dan Haggerty is 69.

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Larryj