another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------yeah, that makes sense.

A zoning board had just been set up in a new community.  A householder went to the office to request permission to build a small tool shed in his backyard.

"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.

"Oh yes," said the householder, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard and a sketch of the shed.

"That looks fine," the director said.  He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, Xeroxed it, and said, "Here's your permit."

Three weeks later, a neighbor who lived next door to the first fellow also wanted permission for a shed in her back yard.  She went to the director's office  and got as far as a secretary, and made her request.

"Thank you," said the secretary, taking the documents.  "Telephone me in two or three weeks and I'll let you know what additional steps are necessary."

"But," groaned the neighbor, "a month ago my neighbor got permission right away."

"Well, that might be true," said the secretary, "but that was before we got organized."

__________________________________________________________

In 1789, Congress passed a Judiciary Act which provided for an Attorney General and a Supreme Court.

In 1969, the trial of the Chicago Eight (later seven) began.  (Five were later convicted of crossing state lines to incite riots at the 168 Democratic convention, but the convictions were ultimately overturned.)

In 1976, former hostage Patricia Hearst was sentenced to seven years in prison for her part in a 1974 bank robbery in San Francisco.  Hearst was released after 22 months after receiving clemency from President Jimmy Carter.

In 1998, the government began releasing the new, harder-to-counterfeit $20 bill.

______________________________________________________________

Today-----------Actor-Singer Herb Jeffries is 99, Actress Sheila MacRae is 86, Rhythm -and Blues Singer Sonny Turner (The Platters) is 71, Singer Barbara Allbut (The Angels) is 70, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer John Mackey is 69, Singer Gerry Marsden (Gerry and the Pacemakers) is 68, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Greene is 64 and TV News Anchor Lou Dobbs is 65.

_________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------Oh NOOOOOOO!

The worried young housewife and mother hobbled to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, sweetheart?  .....What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into uncontrollable tears and sobs, "I'm having such a miserable day.  The baby won't eat and I fell down and sprained my ankle.  I can't get the washing machine to work.  I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and on top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have three couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once full of sympathy and compassion.

"Oh, darling,"  she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes for a moment.  Give me a list of what you need at the store and I'll do the shopping and come right over.  I'll feed the baby, clean up the house, and fix dinner for you.  And, sweetheart, don't worry about the washer, I know a repairman who owes me a favor and will come right over and fix it.

"Now stop crying, I'll take care of everything.  In fact, I'll call Marty at the office and ask him if he can come home early and help out."

"Marty?!" said the young mother, "Who is Marty?"

"Why Marty, your husband.  Isn't this 555-2337?"

"No, this is 555-2336."

"On dear, I'm sorry.  I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause before the housewife sobbed, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

__________________________________________________

In 1957, nine black students who'd been forced to withdraw from Central High School in Little Rock, AR., because of unruly white crowds, were escorted to class by members of the U.S. Army's 101st Airborne Division.

_________________________________________________

Today------Defense Secretary Robert Gates is 67, Actor Robert Walden is 67, Actor-producer Michael Douglas is 66, Model Cheryl Tiegs is 63, Actress Mimi Kennedy is 61, Actor-director Anson Williams is 61 and Broadcast Journalist Barbara Walters is 81.

_________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------I need friends like this guy.

An American businesswoman concluded a deal which earned an Arabian Sheik $20 million.  As she was preparing to leave, the sheik offered her diamonds and rubies and a silver-plated Rolls Royce in gratitude, but she declined.  The sheik insisted on giving her some reward, so she said that she had just started playing golf, and a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later, she received an e-mail from the sheik stating, "I have purchased for you three golf clubs.  I hope you won't be too disappointed, but only two of them have Olympic-sized swimming pools.  I also took the liberty of hiring a staff to handle all the operations.

Enjoy."

_________________________________________________________________

In 1789, Thomas Jefferson was confirmed by the Senate to be the first United States secretary of state; John Jay, the first chief justice; Edmund Randolph, the first attorney general.

In 1960, the first-ever debate between presidential nominees took place in Chicago as Democrat John F. Kennedy and Republican Richard M. Nixon faced off before a national TV audience.

_______________________________________________________________

Today-----Retired Baseball All-Star Bobby Shantz is 85, South African nationalist Winnie Mandela is 74, Country Singer David Frizzell is 69, Actor  Kent McCord is 68, Singer Lynn Anderson is 63, Singer Olivia Newton-John is 62, Actress Mary Beth Hurt is 62 and Fitness expert Jack LaLanne is 96.

_______________________________________________________________

Larryj

[W. Gray]

In reference to pitcher Bobby Shantz being 85 years old: He and his brother Wilmer were a rarity in major league baseball.

They formed a battery for the Kansas City Athletics, that is, Bobby was the pitcher and Wilmer was the catcher.

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------ooooooooooooh!

Three friends ----- a lawyer, a doctor and a minister ----- went hunting.  The three spotted and shot a big buck simultaneously.  Upon reaching the big-racked buck, they discovered that it appeared to have but one bullet hole.

Obviously, a debate ensued.  After all, what are the odds  that three individuals, not only fire at the same time, but each of their bullets take the same, exact trajectory?  Whose buck was it?  Each wanted to claim it as his own.  No give or take.

An hour into the discussion, a game warden happened to come by and asked if there was a problem.  Advised of the situation, and checking each hunter's identification and ensuring that each had a valid hunting license, the game warden examined the deer and said, "Well, my friends, I can tell you exactly whose buck it is ---- this prize buck is the minister's.  Why?  Simple.  Like many of his sermons, the bullet went in one ear and out the other."

____________________________________________________

In 1942, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra performed together for the last time, at the Central Theater in Passaic, NJ., prior to Miller's entry into the Army.

In 1964, the government publicly released the report of the Warren Commission, which found that Lee Harvey Oswald had acted alone in assassinating John F. Kennedy.

In 1994, more than 350 Republican congressional candidates gathered on the steps of the Capitol to sign the "Contract with America," a 10-point platform they pledged to enact if voters sent a GOP majority to the House.

_____________________________________________________

Today-----Actress Jayne Meadows is 90, Actress Sada Thompson is 81, Actress Kathleen Nolan is 77, Actor Wilford Brimley is 76, Singer-musician Randy Bachman (Bachman-Turner Overdrive) is 67, Rock Singer Meat Loaf is 63, Actress Liz Torres is 63, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt is 61 and Producer of "Soul Train" Don Cornelius is 74.

___________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------frustrating

My neighbor just obtained new health insurance and wanted to make an appointment with an orthopedic doctor after injuring his shoulder.

He was told the wait would be at least three weeks.  Two weeks into the wait the agony was unbearable with searing pain shooting down his arms, across his back and chest.  He called once again to beg for an appointment.

The hospital administrator was sympathetic to be sure, but emphasized that there just weren't any cancellations.  She suggested going to the emergency room and getting some pain pills.......my neighbor interrupted and asked, "Let me ask you a question.  If the president called and said he hurt his shoulder, would you be able to see him today?"

"Yes," she laughed, "that's a silly question."

"Excuse me," my neighbor said, "will you please hold the line for just a moment?" and he hit the mute button.

Seconds later, he came back on the line and said, "I just spoke with the president.  He said HIS shoulder is feeling much, much better and that I can have HIS appointment."
____________________________________________________

In 1920, eight members of the Chicago White Sox were indicted for allegedly throwing the 1919 World Series against the Cincinnati Reds in what became known as the "Black Sox" scandal.  (Despite initial confessions by several of the players, all were acquitted at trial; still, all eight were banned from baseball for life.)

__________________________________________________

Today-----------------Actor William Windom is 87, Actress Brigitte Bardot is 76, Singer Ben E. King is 72, Actor Joel Higgins is 67, Singer Helen Shapiro is 64 and Movie -writer-director-actor John Sayles is 60.

__________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------Oh my! Oh no!

Jason was a little boy who lived on a farm which utilized an outhouse.

Jason didn't much care for the accommodation, because of the less-than-desirable odor.  The outhouse was located on the edge of the creek, and Jason vowed that one day he would push the objectionable structure into the creek.

The very next week, after a late summer rain, Jason decided it was time to give the outhouse a bath.  He pushed and grunted and pushed harder until the "house" slid into the creek.  Jason turned and ran as fast as he could away from the scene.

That evening, his father told Jason that they were going to the woodshed.  Knowing that this meant a spanking, he asked why. His dad replied, "well, today, someone pushed the outhouse into the creek, and that someone was you, was it not?"

Jason admitted that he did it but said, "Dad, I read in school that when George Washington was a little boy, he chopped down a cherry tree but didn't get in trouble because he told the truth."

"Yes, son, I am familiar with that story.  But the difference is that George Washington's father wasn't sitting in the tree!"

____________________________________________________

In 1960, the situation comedy "My Three Sons," starring Fred McMurray, premiered on ABC.

In 1982, Extra-Strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide claimed the first of seven victims in the Chicago area. (To this date the case remains unsolved.)

_____________________________________________________

Today----------Actress Elizabeth Scott is 88, Actor Steve Forrest is 86, Actress Anita Ekberg is 79, Actor Eddie Barth is 79, Actor Ian McShane is 68, Jazz musician Jean-Luc Ponty is 68, Actress Patricia Hodge is 64, TV personality Bryant Gumbel is 62, Country Singer Alvin Crow is 60 and Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 75.

___________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------yeah, that's what I learned in medic school in the Army.

"Why are you late?" asked Connie's boss in the advertising department.

"Oh, it was awful," Connie began to explain.  "I was walking along University Avenue and there was a terrible accident.  A guy was thrown from his motorcycle and he was laying in the middle of the street.

"He had a compound fracture in his left upper leg, a fractured skull and deep facial lacerations across his forehead and down the right side of his face extending to his neck.

"His left forearm was broken and several of his teeth had been knocked out," Connie said authoritatively, "with head and facial wounds there was a lot of blood everywhere..............thank God I took that first-aid class."

"Wow," her boss said, obviously impressed by her medical expertise.  "What did you do?"

"I sat right down on the  curb and put my  head between my knees to keep from fainting."

_________________________________________________________

In 1809, a treaty was signed by Indiana Territory Gov. William Henry Harrison and representatives of four Indian tribes sold some 3 million acres of land to be used for U.S. settlements.

In 1846, Boston dentist William Morton used ether for the first time as an anesthetic as he extracted a ulcerated tooth from merchant Eben Frost.

In 1955, Actor James Dean,24, was killed in a two-car collision near Cholame, CA.

In 1960, "The Flintstones," network television's first animated prime-time series debuted on ABC.

_______________________________________________________________

Today------------------Author Elle Weisel is 82, Singer Cissy Houston is 77, Singer Johnny Mathis is 75, Singer Marilyn McCoo is 67, Actress Victoria Tennant is 60 and Actress Angie Dickinson is 79.

_______________________________________________________________

Heard today------------Actor Tony Curtis passed away at age 85.

______________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------Geez, lady!

In the bustling admissions area of the hospital some patrons were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms.

An elderly woman hesitatingly entered a hospital employee's cubicle and sat down.  She had completed her admitting forms and, upon request, handed the employee her insurance cards.  The employee typed in the necessary information and then asked the woman her reason for coming to the hospital.

"Well, I just came to see a friend," the woman said quietly, "but all this has taken so long, I'm not sure I have the time now."

________________________________________________________

In 1987, eight people were killed when an earthquake measuring magnitude 5.9 struck the Los Angeles area.

________________________________________________________

Today--------------Former President Jimmy Carter is 86, Actor Tom Bosley is 83, Actress-singer Julie Andrews is 75, Actress Stella Stephens is 72, Baseball Hall-of-famer Rod Carew is 65, Jazz musician Dave Holland is 64 and Actor Randy Quaid is 60.

________________________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------she paid attention

Ever since Mylla was old enough to understand, her mother, aunt and grandmother, Carol, have stressed the importance of utilizing the paper sanitary shields on the toilet seat before sitting down in an unfamiliar or public facility.

Shortly after the family moved to a new home, Mylla and her grandmother were in the kitchen fixing lunch when Mylla announced that she had to go to the bathroom.

Carol heard the latch on the bathroom click and went on about her chores.  A little while later, Mylla had yet to return so she called out, "Mylla, are you OK?"

Mylla said yes and went back to her business.

Sometime later, still no Mylla.  Carol went to the bathroom door and called out, "Mylla, are you all right?"

"Yes, grandma, I'm fine."

So, back to the kitchen.  Then after a little while longer, still no Mylla.  By this time, Carol needed some visual assurance, so she instructed Mylla to unlock the door so she could see what she was doing.

Mylla, of course, complied and Carol opened the door and looked inside.  There on the floor were several empty toilet tissue rolls, and there was Mylla with a new roll of toilet paper in hand, tearing one sheet off at a time and placing each individual piece at least four or five pieces deep neatly around the toilet seat.

Mylla was making her own protection.

_____________________________________________________

In 1835, the first battle of the Texas Revolution took place as American settlers fought Mexican soldiers near the Guadalupe River; the Mexicans ended up withdrawing.

In 1919, President Wilson suffered a serious stroke at the White House that left him paralyzed on his left side.

In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts" created by Charles M. Schulz, was syndicated to seven newspapers.

In 1967, Thurgood Marshall was sworn as an associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court as the court opened its new term.

In 1985, actor Rock Hudson died at his home in Beverly Hills at age 59 after battling AIDS.

In 1990, the Senate voted 90-9 to confirm the nomination of Judge David H. Souter to the Supreme Court.

___________________________________________________________

Today-----------Country singer-musician Leon Rausch (Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys) is 83, Retired MLB All-Star Maury Wills is 78, Movie critic Rex Reed is 72, Singer-songwriter Don McLean is 65  and Fashion Designer Donna Karan is 62.

____________________________________________________________

Also heard-----------Author Writer Producer Stephen J. Cannell died at his Pasadena home at age 69 of complications from skin cancer.  He wrote "The Rockford Files" and "The A-Team" for TV as well as other things.

____________________________________________________________

Larryj