another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------another "from the mouths of babes"

The third-graders were being given a course in first aid.  The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a younger brother or sister who swallowed a house key?"

After a pause, one of the students answered, "I guess I'd have to climb through the window!"

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In 1907, the U.S. Army Signal Corps established an aeronautical division, the forerunner of the U.S. Air Force.

In 1966, Charles Joseph Whitman, 25, went on a shooting rampage at the University of Texas in Austin, killing 14 people.  Whitman, who had also murdered his wife and mother hours earlier, was gunned down by police.

In 1981, the rock music video channel MTV made its debut.

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Today-----Singer Ramblin' Jack Elliot is 79, Cartoonist Tom Wilson (retired creator of "Ziggy") is 79 and Former Sen. Alfonse D'Amato
(R-NY) is 73

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------Just-------------------groan

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son, Ezra, walking to school.  She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.  She knew that Ezra didn't want her walking with him and his friend so she came up with an idea  of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, lagging behind at a discreet distance.  The neighbor agreed saying that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise.

As Ezra and his friend, Sam, walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Sam noticed the same lady pushing her baby in the stroller following them.  Finally, he asked Ezra if he noticed the pair.

Ezra nonchalantly replied "yes."  Sam asked, "Well, who is she?"

"I think it's Shirley Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy," Ezra said.

"Ok, but why are they following us?" Sam asked.

"Well," Ezra explained, "because my mom worries about me so much, she has me recite the 23rd Psalm every night and in the Psalm it says that 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.'  So I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

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In 1776, members of the Continental Congress began attaching their signatures to the Declaration of Independence.

In 1876, frontiersman "Wild Bill" Hickok was shot and killed while playing poker at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory by Jack McCall , who was later hanged.

In 1909, the original Lincoln "wheat" penny first went into circulation, replacing the "Indian head" cent.

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Today-----------Actor Peter O'Toole is 78, Movie Director Wes Craven is 71, Singer Kathy Lennon (Lennon Sisters) is 67, Actor Max Wright is 67, Actress Joanna Cassidy is 65 and Actress Kathryn Harrold is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------I'm still working on that danged satellite TV thingie

Well, here we are moving right along in the 21st century.  But where's the world of the future we were always told about?

Where are the flying cars?  The cities in midair?  People zipping around in jet packs?  Robots doing all the chores for us?

I haven't seen any of this.  Have you?

I'm sorry, but being able to clap my lights off and on just doesn't cut it.

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In 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present-day Americas.

In 1943, Gen. George S. Patton slapped a private at an army hospital in Sicily, accusing him of cowardice.  (Patton was later ordered by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower to apologize for this and a second , similar episode.)

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed as a merger of the Basketball Association of America and the National Basketball League.

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Today------------Actor Martin Sheen is 70, Lifestyle Guru Martha Stewart is 69, Singer Beverly Lee (The Shirelles) is 69, Movie director John Landis is 60, Actress JoMarie Payton is 60 and Singer Tony Bennett is 84.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------You gotta listen now and then

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday present when he saw a cowboy with a beautiful white horse.  He told the cowboy that he would give him $500 for the horse.

The cowboy replied, "I dunno, mister, it don't look so good," and slowly ambled away.  The next day, the rich man came back and offered the poor cowboy $1000 for the horse.

The poor cowboy said, "Geez, I dunno know, mister, it shore don't look so good."  On the third day, the rich man offered the cowboy $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.

The poor cowboy gave in, and the rich man took the horse home.  The rich man's daughter loved her present.  She immediately climbed onto the horse which immediately galloped off right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor cowboy's ranch house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.  The cowboy replied, ""Now hol' on jest a minute, I tol'  you more'n once it don't look so good."

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In 1830, plans for the city of Chicago were laid out.

In 1892, Andrew and Abby Borden were axed to death in their home in Fall River, MA.  Lizzie Borden, Andrew's daughter from a previous marriage, was accused of the killings, but acquitted at trial.

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Today---------------Journalist Helen Thomas is 90, Singer Frankie Ford is 71, Actress-singer Tina Cole is 67 and Actor-comedian Richard Belzer is 66.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------sometimes I have to read these things a few times to understand

Sometimes I wonder about things-------is that wise?

Why do people continually say--"So-and-so wrote a book ENTITLED....?   The book isn't entitled to anything.  It's titled, named or called.

Why do people continually say--"So-and-so stood at the PODIUM....?   A podium is something one stands on, a LECTURN is something one puts his notes on, stands at, has microphones attached, etc., etc.

Why do people continually say--"So-and-so was awarded the PEWitzer prize...?   It's Pulitzer people .... pull, pull, pull, not pew, pew, pew.  Are you listening, Bill O'Reilly?

And finally before I leave..............

Life is sexually transmitted.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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In 1884, the cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty's pedestal was laid on Bedloe's Island in New York Harbor.

In 1924. the comic strip "Little Orphan Annie" by Harold Gray made its debut.

In 1963, actress Marilyn Monroe, 36, was found dead in her Los Angeles home; her death was ruled a probable suicide from an overdose of sleeping pills.

In 1984, Actor Richard Burton died in Geneva, Switzerland, at age 58.

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Today--------------Former astronaut Neil A. Armstrong is 80, Actress Cammie King (Gone With the Wind) is 76, Actor John Saxon is 75, College football Hall-of-Famer Roman Gabriel is 70, Country Songwriter Bobby Braddock is 70, Actress Loni Anderson is 65, Actress Erica Slezak is 64 and Actress Holly Palance is 60.

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Larryj



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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------Some days, sometimes, I am almost ashamed of these jokes.


Renee's 7-year daughter came home from school one day, held up her middle finger, and asked her mom what it meant.  Renee was so shocked that she could say only, "Shame on you," followed by, "if someone does that to you, just say, 'shame on you' to that person."

A few weeks later Renee and her family were at the dinner table when her husband let out a loud belch.  Renee reprimanded him by saying, "Shame on you."

You might imagine her husband's shock when their daughter held up her middle finger, showed it to him, and exclaimed, "Mom, you forgot to give Daddy the 'shame on you' sign!"

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In 1890, convicted murderer William Kemmler became the first person to be electrocuted in the electric chair as he was put to death at Auburn State Prison in New York.

In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act.

In 1986, William J. Schroeder died after living 620 days with the Jarvik 7 artificial heart.

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Today-------Actress-singer Abbey Lincoln is 80, Jazz musician Charlie Haden is 73, Actor-director Peter Bonerz is 72, Actor Michael Anderson Jr. is 67 and actor Dorian Harewood is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------Sorry to be late, had to attend my next granddaughters baby shower.

A man takes his wife out deer-hunting for the first time.  It's very early in the morning and the husband is explaining the rules to his wife. 

"Now, remember these woods have a lot of unscrupulous people in them, so if you shoot a deer, run right over to it and guard it with your life.  If you don't, someone else will claim it."

The wife nods OK.  "And, if you get in trouble, shoot your gun three times in the air.  I will be over as quickly as I can."  Again, the wife nods OK.

"Now this is what we're going to do," he says.  "See that ridge to your right?  You're going to sit on top of that one, and I will sit on top of this one to the left."

Separating, they go to their respective blinds.  About 30 minutes after sunrise, the husband hears a gunshot come from the ridge where the wife is.  He thinks to himself, "Cool, her first time out deer hunting and she gets one."

Five minutes pass and he hears three gunshots come from the other ridge.  "Oh, great, how there's trouble," he murmurs out loud and  immediately runs toward her ridge.  As he reaches the top, he steps into a clearing where his wife has her gun pointed at a cowboy with his hands held high in the air.  The husband gingerly walks closer and asks the cowboy, "All right, what's going on here?"

The cowboy remains rigid only moving his eyes.  He says through clenched teeth, "Look, I don't want any trouble --  just tell her to please let me get my saddle off her 'deer', OK?"

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In 1782, Gen. George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to recognize merit in enlisted men and noncommissioned officers.

In 1789, the War Department was created by Congress.

In 1964, Congress passed the Gulf of Tonkin resolution, giving President Lyndon B. Johnson broad powers in dealing with reported North Vietnamese attacks against U.S. forces.

In 1990, President George H.W. Bush ordered U.S. troops and warplanes to Saudi Arabia to guard against a possible invasion by Iraq.

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Today-----------Writer-Producer Stan Freberg is 84, Rhythm-and-Blues singer Herb Reed (The Platters) is 82, Former Baseball pitcher Don Larsen is 81, Actress Verna Bloom is 71, Singer B.J. Thomas is 68 and Actor John Glover is 66.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------------I got a song in my head

When Ginger's children received a DVD of "Cinderella" as a summer gift, they watched it almost nonstop beginning early, early in the morning for four days.  Since it was warm outside, the family kept the windows open until noon.

Ginger's neighbors were having their roof reshingled by a crew of no-nonsense burly guys.  As Ginger went out to get the mail one afternoon, she heard a roofer singing, "........put it together and what do you get..........?"

And immediately from the other side of the house came a chorus of three more husky voices; "Bibbidi, bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi-boo!"

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In 1876, Thomas A. Edison received a patent for his mimeograph.

In 1974, following damaging new revelations in the Watergate scandal, President Nixon announced that would resign, and that Vice President Gerald R. Ford would succeed him.

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Today----------Producer Dino De Laurentiis is 91, Actress Esther Williams is 89, Singer Mel Tillis is 78, Actor Dustin Hoffman is 73, Actress Connie Stevens is 72 and Actor Larry Wilcox is 63.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

See, even macho guys like to sing as they work. Thanks Larry

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------shoulda been in the paper yesterday (Sunday)---

Christie, the regular children's Bible class teacher, was ill, so the pastor volunteered his services.

When he walked into the room he couldn't help but notice the looks of bewilderment as to why "the big guy" was there and not their beloved Christie.

He decided to explain what a substitute was by giving an example.  He told the children, "let's say a pane of window glass was broken and missing.  Certainly, we couldn't just leave a bare opening so we would 'substitute' the missing pane with a piece of wood, cardboard or plastic until the pane could be replaced."

That seemed to satisfy the children so the class began.  The minister gave the lesson with lots of exuberance and dramatics and the children seemed really enthused and interested in what he had to say.

If he had any concerns about his expertise with the younger crowd, one youngster removed all doubts when she announced at the end of the class, "pastor, you weren't a substitute, you were a real PANE!"

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In 1936, Jesse Owens won his fourth gold medal at the Berlin Olympics as the United States took first place in the 400-meter relay.

In 1944, 258 African-American sailors based at Port Chicago, CA., refused to load a munitions ship following an explosion on another ship that killed 320 men, two-thirds of them black.  (Fifty of the sailors were convicted of mutiny, fined and imprisoned.)

In 1945, three days after the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, the United States exploded a nuclear device over Nagasaki, killing an estimated 74000 people.

In 1969, actress Sharon Tate and four other people were found brutally slain at Tate's Los Angeles home; cult leader Charles Manson and a group of his followers were later convicted of the crime.

In 1995, Jerry Garcia, lead singer of the Grateful Dead, died in Forest Knolls, CA., of a heart attack at age 53.

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Today-------Comedian-Director David Steinberg is 68, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Ken Norton is 67, Actor Sam Elliot is 66 and Former Baseball Player Bill Campbell is 62.

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Larryj