another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------from the archives and a little long

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St.
Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules. 'And with that, St.
Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator raises...The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven. 'So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity. 'The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. 'So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? 'The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted.

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In 1861, the first Battle of Bull Run was fought at Manassas, VA, resulting in a Confederate victory.

In 1930, President Herbert Hoover singed an executive order establishing the Veterans Administration (later the U.S Department of Veterans Affairs.)

In 1949, the U.S. Senate ratified the North Atlantic Treaty.

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Today------------------Singer Kay Starr is 88, Former Attorney General Janet Reno is 72, Actress Patricia Elliot is 68, Singer Yusef Islam (formerly Cat Stephens) is 62 and Cartoonist Garry Trudeau is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------MD from the University of where?

Vito's arm began to hurt more and more with each passing day, so he paid a visit to the doctor.

The doctor looked at it, turned this way and that, then took out a book and studied it for a couple of minutes.  He set the book aside and solemnly asked, "Have you ever had this before?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I have," Vito recalled.

"Well," the doctor diagnosed, "you've got it again."

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In 1587, an English colony fated to vanish under mysterious circumstances was established on Roanoke Island off North Carolina.

In 1796, Cleveland, Ohio, was founded by Gen. Moses Cleveland.

In 1933, American aviator Wiley Post completed the first solo flight around the world as he returned to New York's Floyd Bennett Field after traveling for seven days, 18 and 3/4 hours.

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Today-------------Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole (R-Kan) is 87, Singer Margaret Whiting is 86, Actor-comedian Orson Bean is 82, Fashion Designer Oscar de la Renta is 78, Actress Louise Fletcher is 76, Game Show Host Alex Trebek is 70, Actor-Singer Bobby Sherman is 67, Actor Danny Glover is 63, Actor-comedian-director Albert Brooks is 63 and Rock Singer Don Henley is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------another case of "foot in mouth disease"

It's not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment.  Surely you can sympathize with the fellow who met an old friend after many years.

"How's your wife?"

"She's in heaven," the friend replied softly.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," said the man.  Then he realized this was not quite the thing to say.  "I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad."  That, too, seemed inappropriate, so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised."  That was even worse so he simply murmured, "You're looking well, good-bye."

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In 1967, a week of deadly race-related rioting that claimed 43 lives erupted in Detroit.

In 1977, a jury in Washington, D.C., convicted 12 Hanafi Muslims of charges stemming from the hostage siege at three buildings the previous March.

In 1990, President George H.W. Bush announced his choice of Judge David Souter of New Hampshire to succeed retiring Justice William J. Brennan on the U.S. Supreme Court.

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Today------------Actress Gloria DeHaven is 85, Supreme Court Justice Anthony M. Kennedy is 74, Actor Ronny Cox is 72, Country Singer Tony Joe White is 67, Actor Larry Manetti is 63 and Actress Belinda Montgomery is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------------Yep

A California rancher went to buy an insurance policy and the agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident on your ranch?"

"Nope," replied the rancher, "although last summer, a bronco kicked in two of my ribs and several days later a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle."

"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent.

"Naw," the rancher replied, "They did it on purpose!"

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In 1869, the Apollo 11 astronauts -- two of whom had been the first men to set foot on the moon -- splashed down safely in the Pacific.

In 1974, the Supreme Court ruled that President Richard Nixon had to turn over subpoenaed White House tape recordings to the Watergate special prosecutor.

In 1975, an Apollo spacecraft splashed down in the Pacific, completing a mission that included the first-ever docking with a Soyuz capsule from the Soviet Union.

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Today------------Actress Jacqueline Brookes is 80, Political cartoonist Pat Oliphant is 75, Comedian Ruth Buzzi is 74, Actor Mark Goddard is 74, Actor Dan Hedaya is 70, Actor Chris Sarandon is 68, Comedian Gallagher is 64 and Actor Robert Hayes is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------and this one is just plain bad


A string walks into a bar (I know, I know) and the bartender says, "We don't want no strings in here."  The string thinks that maybe if he comes back another day, it will be a different bartender and he can get a beer.  So the next day he goes back and says, "I have a glass of beer."  The bartender says, "No way, we don't want no strings in here" and throws him out.  So the string goes home and thinks and thinks on how he can get that beer.  The next day, all tuckered out from thinking, looking all worn out and with a bump he tied in his stomach by himself, he walks into the bar.  The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that string that has been coming in here the two days?"

And the strings says,

wait for it

wait for it

"No, I am a frayed knot."
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In 1866, Ulysses S. Grant was named General of the Army of the United States the first officer to hold that rank.

In 1868, Congress passed an act creating the Wyoming Territory.

In 1960, a Woolworth's store in Greensboro, N.C., that had been the scene of a sit-in protest against its whites-only lunch counter dropped its segregation policy as it served three of its black employees at the counter.

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Today-----Actress Barbara Harris is 75 and Rock Musician Jim McCarty (The Yardbirds) is 67

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------Hee Hee

A severely visually impaired man is sitting on a park bench, passing the time of day.  A Rabbi sits down next to him.

The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh.  Feeling guilty about not sharing, the Rabbi breaks off a piece of matzoh and gives it to the blind man.

Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this garbage?"

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In 1775, Benjamin Franklin became America's first Postmaster-General.

In 1778, New York became the 11th state to ratify the Constitution.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman signed the National Security Act, which established the National Military Establishment (later renamed the Department of Defense).

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Today-----------------Movie Director Blake Edwards is 88, Actor James Best is 84, Rhythm-and-blues Singer Bobby Hebb is 72, Singer Doby Gray is 70, Actress-singer Darlene Love is 69, Singer Brenton Wood is 69, Actress Helen Mirren is 65 and Rock Singer Mick Jagger is 67.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Whoops!  missed yesterdays---it was a busy day--

Today's------------------------------------------------------------No thanks, I'll stay with the peanuts.

My friend recently obtained one of those new-fangled electronic gizmos that allow outsiders to listen to conversations between airplane crews and control towers.  Following is one of the tidbits we picked up:

Tower:  "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702:  "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.  By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of large, dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower:  "Continental 655, cleared for takeoff: contact Departure on 124.7.  Did you copy that dead animal report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 655:  "Continental 655 cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern 702 and have already notified our caterers."

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In 1945, a U.S. Army bomber crashed into the 79th floor of New York's Empire State Building killing 14 people.

In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson announced he was increasing the number of American troops in South Vietnam from 75,000 to 125,000 "almost immediately."

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Today---Actor Daryl Hickman is 79, "Garfield" creator Jim Davis is 65, Singer Jonathan Edwards is 64,  Actress Linda Kelsey is 64, Actress Georgia Engle is 62 and Actress Sally Struthers is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------Teresa wouldn't give any warning

A burly burglar broke into the home of a Quaker in the middle of the night and started to gather his booty.

The Quaker, upon hearing a noise, went downstairs with shotgun in hand.

Confronting the burglar, the Quaker took steady aim and gently said, "Friend, I mean thee no unnecessary harm, but thou standeth where I am about to shoot!"

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In 1985, the space shuttle Challenger began an eight-day mission that got off to a shaky start -- the spacecraft achieved a safe orbit even though one of the main engines shut down permanently after lift-off.

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Today----------Comedian "Professor" Irwin Corey is 96, Actor Robert Norton is 86, Actor Robert Fuller is 76, Former Senator Elizabeth H. Dole is 74, Actor David Warner is 69 and Actor Mike Starr is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------kinda rings a bell


It's Friday morning and a man decides to host a Friday evening barbecue featuring his culinary skills.  That said, the following chain of events unfold:

1  Man leaves for work.
2  Woman goes to the store.
3  Woman fixes salad, vegetables and dessert.
4  Woman prepares meat for cooking, places it in a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and takes it to the man who has come home from work and is lounging beside the grill, third beer in hand (it's thirsty work igniting charcoal).
5  Man places meat on grill.
6  Woman interrupts man sharing a brew with neighbor to tell him meat is on fire.
7  Man removes meat from grill and hands platter and meat to woman
8  Woman prepares plates and brings them to the table.
9  After dining, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10 Guests praise the man for his unique mastery of the grill.
11 Popping open another brew, man asks woman how she enjoyed her "night off" and is completely befuddled by her icy glare and hasty departure.

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In 1932, the Summer Olympic Games opened in Los Angeles.

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a bill creating a women's auxiliary agency in the Navy known as "Women Accepted for Volunteer Emergency Service"--  WAVES for short.

In 1945, during World War II, the Portland class heavy cruiser USS Indianapolis, which has just delivered components for the atomic bomb that would be dropped on Hiroshima, was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine.

In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law the Medicare bill, which went into effect the following year.

In 1975, former Teamsters union president Jimmy Hoffa disappeared in suburban Detroit; although presumed dead, his remains were never found.

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Today---------Actor Richard Johnson is 83, Actor Edd "Kookie" Byrnes is 77, Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig is 76, Singer Paul Anka is 69, Actor William Atherton is 63, blues singer-musician Otis Taylor is 62 and our very own "Governator" Arnold Schwarzenegger is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------A real groaner

Back in one of the old Chinese dynasties the town had a big brass gong that would be clanged every two hours thus:  At 8 in the morning, one strike:  10 AM two strikes:  noon, three times:  and on and on until 8 in the evening.

The lawyers of the day strived to stretch out the trials as long as they could in order to make more yen.  The judges became extremely irate with the status quo and went to the emperor for some sort of resolution.

Well, let me tell you the emperor at that time was no slouch and he promptly issued a proclamation declaring that ALL law administration would have to end by 2 PM., no ifs, ands or buts.

Consequently, it became known throughout the land that all trials ended with a ------

(wait for it)

Four-gong conclusion.

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In 1948, President Harry S. Truman helped dedicate New York International Airport (later John F. Kennedy International Airport) at Idlewild Field.

In 1964, the American space probe Ranger 7 reached the moon, transmitting pictures back to Earth before crashing onto the lunar surface.

In 1969, the American space probe Mariner 6 flew by Mars, sending back images of the Red Planet.

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Today-------------Actor Don Murray is 81, Jazz-composer-musician Kenny Burrell is 79, Actor Geoffrey Lewis is 75, Actress France Nuyen is 71, Actress Susan Flannery is 67, Singer Lobo is 67, Actress Geraldine Chaplin is 66, Singer Gary Lewis is 65 and Actor Richard Griffiths is 63.

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Larryj