another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------------GROANER, BIG TIME GROANER

Three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by bears.

"OK, guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to get these bears really angry.  Then they'll leave and we can go home.

"So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the cub with three legs, and I'll take the one in the middle, the cub with one eye and limping, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silver-tip mama grizzly with blood-encrusted 9-inch claws, the big teeth and froth around the mouth."

"Hey, man, wait a sec ..... I'm supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs -- that's not fair."

(Here we go----are you ready?  Is your coffee cup safely on the table?)


"Now, now, Joe, we all have our bears to cross."

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In 1919, the New York Daily News was first published.

In 1945, the charter of the United Nations was signed by 50 countries in San Francisco.

In 1950, President Harry S. Truman authorized the Air Force and Navy to enter the Korean conflict.

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy visited West Berlin, where he expressed solidarity with the city's residents by declaring, "Ich bin ein Berliner," (I am a Berliner.)

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Today-----------------Actress Eleanor Parker is 88, Actor Josef Summer is 76, Singer Billy Davis, Jr is 70, Rock Singer Georgie Fame is 67 and Rhythm-and-blues singer Brenda Holloway is 64

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------I think I remember this guy

During the minister's sermon, a large plant toppled over right behind the lectern, crashing to the ground.

Acknowledging his reputation for long-windedness, the pastor smiled sheepishly and said, "Well now, that's the first time I have ever put a plant to sleep."

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In 1844, Mormon leader Joseph Smith and brother, Hyram, were killed by a mob in Carthage, IL.

In 1985, the legendary Route 66 which originally stretched from Chicago to Santa Monica, Calif., passed into history as officials decertified the road.

In 1990, NASA announced that a flaw in the orbiting Hubble Space Telescope was preventing the instrument from achieving optimum focus.  (The problem was traced to a mirror that had not been ground to exact specifications; corrective optics were later installed to fix the problem.)

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Today-----------Business Executive Ross Perot is 80, Former Interior Secretary Bruce Babbit is 72 and Singer-musician Bruce Johnston (the Beach Boys) is 68.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------another groaner

Sheila urgently needed a few days off work, but she knew the boss would not allow her to take a leave.

Sheila thought that maybe if she acted a little "crazy", he would tell her to take a few days off.  So, she hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

Her co-worker, Rose, asked her what she was doing.  Sheila told her that she was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think she had "lost it" and give her a few days off.

A few minutes later, the boss came into the office and asked, "Sheila, what are you doing?"

She told him she was a light bulb.  He said, "Clearly, you are stressed out.  Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."  Sheila jumped down and walked out of the office.

When Rose followed her, the boss said, "And where do you think you're going?"  Rose said, "I'm going home, too ----


I can't work in the dark."

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In 1778, the Revolutionary War Battle of Monmouth took place in New Jersey; it was from this battle that the legend of "Molly Pitcher" arose.

In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the National Housing Act, which established the Federal Housing Administration.

In 1978, the Supreme Court ordered the University of California, Davis Medical School to admit Allan Bakke, a white man who'd argued he'd been a victim of reverse racial discrimination.

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Today----------Comedian-movie director Mel Brooks is 84, Comedian-impressionist John Byner is 73, Actor Bruce Davison is 64 and Actress Kathy Bates is 62.

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Larryj

[Jo McDonald]

The Polish Divorce:     

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office

and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,

and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

SHE IS GOING TO POISON ME !!!!

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read English pretty good, and it say:

~~~Polish Remover~~~

[Diane Amberg]

Extra funny! love that one.

[larryJ]

Good one, Jo!   

Today's---------------been there, done that

My mother turned 87 a couple of weeks ago, and as with anyone who has a "collection" of years behind them, trips to the doctor and pharmacy seem to occur with some degree of regularity.

The other day, mom and I were at CVS talking with the pharmacist who was going over the directions for another prescription.

"Be sure not to take one tablet more often than every four hours," warned the pharmacist.

"Oh, don't worry about that," my mom said with resignation, "it takes me four hours to get the lid off!"

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In 1776, the Virginia state constitution was adopted, and Patrick Henry was made governor.

In 1966, the United States bombed fuel storage facilities near the North Vietnamese cities of Hanoi and Haiphong.

In 1970, the United States ended a two-month military offensive into Cambodia.

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Today-------Songwriter L. Russell Brown is 70, Actor Gary Bussey is 66. Comedian Richard Lewis is 63 and Actor-turned-politician-turned-radio personality Fred Grandy is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------playing with them words again

Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the flight attendant  came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.

"I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault......it wasn't the pilot's fault..............it wasn't the flight attendant's fault............

It was the asphalt."

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In 1859, French acrobat Charles Blondin walked back and forth on a tightrope above the gorge of Niagara Falls as thousands of spectators watched.

In 1921, President Warren G. Harding nominated former President William Howard Taft to be chief justice of the United States, succeeding the late Edward Douglass White.

In 1958, the U.S. Senate passed the Alaska statehood bill by a vote of 64-20.

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Today-----------------Actor Tony Musante is 74 and Actress Nancy Dussault is 74.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------a woman after my own heart


While leading activities for seniors at a nursing home, the aide asked the group to complete well-known phrases.

For example, she would prompt them with "better safe....." and they would respond, "than sorry."  The game proceeded as expected until she got to the phrase, "Make love, not war."

She had barely gotten out the first two words when a 90-year woman shouted from the back, "while you can!"

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In 1863, the Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, resulting in a Union victory, began in Pennsylvania.

In 1943, "pay-as-you-go" income tax withholding began.

In 1946, the United States exploded a 20-kiloton atomic bomb near Bikini Atoll in the Pacific.

In 2004, actor Marlon Brando died in Los Angeles at age 80.

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Today----------Actress Olivia de Havilland is 94, Actor Farley Granger is 85, Actress-dancer Leslie Caron is 79, Actress Jean Marsh is 76. Actor Jamie Farr is 76, Actor David Prowse is 75, Actress Karen Black is 71, Actress Genevieve Bujold is 68, Rock Singer-actress Deborah Harry is 65 and Cookie maker "Famous" Wally Amos is 74.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------so there!

The Fourth of July was coming up and the nursery-school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about independence and patriotism.

"We live in a free country," she said.

"One of the things we should really be happy about is that , in this country, we are all free."

One little boy quickly came walking up to her from the back of the room.

He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free, I'm four."

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In 1776, the Continental Congress passed a resolution saying that "these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent states.

In 1937, aviator Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to make the first round-the-world flight along the equator.

In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed a sweeping civil rights bill passed by Congress.

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Today--------------Country Singer Marvin Rainwater is 85, Jazz musician Ahmad Jamal is 80, Actor Robert Ito is 79, Actress Polly Holiday is 73, Luci Baines Johnson, daughter of President Lyndon B. Johnson, is 63 and Comedian Larry David is 63.

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EVERYBODY HAVE A SAFE WEEKEND!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------Whoops!

Last night Val was invited out for a night with "the girls."  She told her husband that she'd probably be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed and the spirited beverages went down way too easy.  Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed twice.  Quickly realizing that her husband might have been half-awakened, Val cuckooed another ten times.

The next morning, Val's husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him midnight.  He seemed to accept that offering.

"Whew!  Got away with that one!" she thought to herself.  Then her husband said, "By the way, we REALLY need to get a new cuckoo clock."

When Val asked why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed TWICE, then said, 'Oh, dog-gone it!'"  Cuckooed FIVE more , times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another THREE times, giggled hysterically, cuckooed TWICE more, then tripped over the coffee table, swore at it vehemently and concluded the tirade with a huge belch.

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IN 1775, Gen. George Washington took command of the Continental Army at Cambridge, Mass.

In 1863, the three-day Civil War battle of Gettysburg in Pennsylvania ended in a major victory for the North as the Confederate forces retreated.

In 1890, Idaho became the 43rd state of the Union.

In 1971, Jim Morrison of The Doors died in Paris at age 27.

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Today-------------Actor Tim O'Connor is 83, Jazz Musician Pete Fountain is 80, Singer Fontella Bass is 70, Actor Kurtwood Smith is 67, Country Singer Johnny Lee is 64, Actress Betty Buckley is 63 and Actress Jan Smithers is 61.

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Larryj