another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------smart dog

Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders over to leave its mark against the wooden fence.  Like male dogs do, it raised its leg and did its business on the side of the fence.

The second dog then goes up and starts to do his duty exactly where the other dog did.  But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wood fence and relieved himself.

One guy says to the other, "Wow, how did you teach him to do that?"

The second man replies, "I didn't teach him anything.  He's gone that way ever since an old fence fell on him."

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In 1778, American forces entered Philadelphia as the British withdrew during the Revolutionary War.

In 1812, the United States declared war on Britain,

In 1873, suffragist Susan B. Anthony was found guilty by a judge in Canandaigua, N.Y., of breaking the law by casting a vote in the 1872 presidential election.  (The judge fined Anthony $100, but she never paid the penalty.)

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Today---------------Movie Critic Roger Ebert is 68, Actress Constance McCashin is 63, Actress Linda Thorson is 63 and Rock Singer Sir Paul McCartney is 68.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------whoops!

An astronomer went on an expedition to Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun.  Unfortunately, cannibals captured him the day before the eclipse was due.

He hatched a plan out of "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court," he figured he'd threaten to extinguish the sun unless he were released.  But, obviously, the timing had to be just right.

So, in the few words of the native's tongue that he knew, he asked his guard exactly what time they planned to do him in.

The guard answered, "Tradition has it that captives are executed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky so that they may be cooked long and slow  -- ready to be served for the evening meal...."

The astronomer thought, "Great," as the guard continued, "But in your case, we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

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In 1862, slavery was outlawed in U.S. territories.

In 1865, Union troops commanded by Maj. Gen. Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston, Texas, with news that the Civil War was over, and that all slaves in Texas were free.

In 1910, the first-ever Father's Day was celebrated in Spokane, Washington.  (The idea for the observance is credited to Sonora Louise Smart Dodd.)

In 1953, Julius Rosenberg, 35, and his wife, Ethel, 37 convicted of conspiring to pass U.S. atomic secrets to the Soviet Union were executed at Sing-Sing Prison in Ossining, N.Y.

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Today-------------------Actress Gina Rowlands is 80, Singer Spanky McFarlane (Spanky and Our Gang) is 68, Actress Phylicia Rashad is 62 and Singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------another beautiful Sunday and a Happy Father's Day

A minister was planning to officiate a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple to the front to be married  in a brief ceremony before the congregation.

As the time arrived, for the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.  So he simply asked, "At this time, will those wanting to get married please come to the front?"

Immediately, nine single ladies, four widows, two widowers, two single men and a lady in a formal wedding dress stepped to the front.

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In 1893, a jury in New Bedford, MA., found Lizzie Borden not guilty of the ax murders of her father and stepmother.

In 1967, boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted in Houston of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted.  (Ali's conviction was ultimately overturned by the Supreme Court.)

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Today---Actress Olympia Dukakis is 79, Actor Martin Landau is 79, Actor James Tolkan is 79, Singer-songwriter Brian Wilson is 68, Actor John McCook is 65, Singer Anne Murray is 65, TV personality Bob Vila is 64, Producer Tina Sinatra is 62, Rhythm-and-blues singer Lionel Richie is 61 and Actor Danny Aiello is 77.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------the jokes on you

Ron, a man fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend, Chuck, a collect telegram which read:  "I am perfectly well and feeling great."

A week later, Ron the joker received a heavy parcel..............collect....................on which he had to pay considerable charges.  Upon opening it, he found a large concrete block which bore this message:

"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

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In 1932, heavyweight Max Schmeling lost a title fight  rematch in New York by decision to Jack Sharkey, prompting Schmeling's manager, Joe Jacobs, to exclaim, "We was robbed."

In 1964, civil rights workers Michael H. Schwerner, Andrew Goodman and James E. Chaney disappeared in Philadelphia, Mississippi;  their bodies were found buried in an earthen dam six weeks later.

In 1982, a jury in Washington, D.C. found John Hinckley Jr. not guilty by reason of insanity in the shootings of President Ronald Reagan and three other men.

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Today-----------Actor Bernie Kopell is 77, Actor Monte Markham is 75, Songwriter Don Black is 72, Actress Mariette Hartley is 70, Actress Meredith Baxter is 63, Actor Michael Gross is 63 and Actress Jane Russell is 89.

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NOTE:  TOMORROW I WILL BE HAVING SOME SURGERY EARLY IN THE MORNING, SO YOU DON'T GET A JOKE.  HOPEFULLY, "ANOTHER SLICE OF WRY" WILL CONTINUE ON WEDNESDAY.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

God be with you Larry  and guide the surgeons hands.
Look forward to more Wry jokes.

[larryJ]

Today's---------wait, no, yesterdays---------------------------

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, the pilot of a Huey Cobra messed up and landed his craft on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom.

Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway turning in circles.  As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place:

Tower:  "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra:  "I don't know, Tower ......... we ain't done crashing yet!"

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In 1870, the United States Department of Justice was created.

In 1969, singer-actress Judy Garland died in London at age 47.

In 1993, former first lady Pat Nixon died in Park Ridge, N.J. at age 81.

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Today----------Actor Ralph Waite is 82, Singer-actor Kris Kristofferson is 74, Actor Michael Lerner is 69, Broadcast Journalist Brit Hume is 67, Singer Peter Asher (Peter and Gordon) is 66, Singer-musician Todd Rundgren is 62, Actress Meryl Streep is 61, Actress Lindsay Wagner is 61 and Singer Alan Osmond is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Now today's-------------------------------Sounds like a politician


A congressman and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.  The congressman said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire.  The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer.  "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed in an earthquake, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The congressman looked somewhat confused, "How the heck did you start the earthquake?" he asked.

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In 1860, a congressional resolution authorized creation of the United States Government Printing Office, which opened the following year.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon and White House chief of staff H.R. Haldeman discussed a plan to use the CIA to obstruct the FBI's Watergate investigation.  (Revelation of the tape recording of this conversation sparked Nixon's resignation in 1974.)

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Today----------Singer Diana Trask is 70, Actor Ted Shackelford is 64, Actor Bryan Brown is 63 and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is 62.

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NOTE:  BACK TOGETHER IN ONE PIECE PLUS A FEW EXTRA PIECES.  EVERYTHING WENT WELL.  THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS AND WISHES.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------revenge is sweet

A neighbor of mine was bitten by stray, rabid dog the day before yesterday.

I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously.  I told him rabies could be prevented and he really didn't have to worry about a will.

He said, "Will?  What will? I'm making a list of people I'm going to bite."

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In 1807, a grand jury in Richmond, VA., indicted former Vice President Aaron Burr on charges of treason and high misdemeanor.  (He was later acquitted.)

In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger carrying America's first woman in space, Sally K. Ride --  coasted to a safe landing at Edwards Air Force Base in California.

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Today-----------Actor Al Molinaro is 91, Comedian Jack Carter is 87, Actress Michelle Lee is 68, Rock musician Jeff Beck is 66, Singer Arthur Brown is 66. Musician Mick Fleetwood is 63, Actor Peter Weller is 63 and Actress Nancy Allen is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Bonus-------

This was sent to me in an e-mail.

Entitled--------Spaghetti

A married man was having an affair with an Italian woman.  One day she announced to him that she was pregnant.  Fearful that his marriage was in jeopardy, he told the woman that he would give her a great sum of money to go live in Italy and have the baby there.  And, after the baby was born, he would support it until it was eighteen. 

The woman said okay, but how would the man know when the baby was born in order to start the support payments?

The man thought for a minute and then gave her a blank postcard and told her that when the baby is born to write the word Spaghetti on it and send it to him.  She agreed and moved to Italy.

Nine months later, he came home from work and his wife greeted him at the door and said, "Honey, you got the strangest postcard today."

He looked at the card, turned very pale, and fainted dead away.

The card read:

Spaghetti  Spaghetti  Spaghetti  Spaghetti  Spaghetti

Three with meatballs, two without

Send more sauce.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------old, but still  funny

A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland.  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely pastoral hillside where many goats were grazing.  "These," she explained gesturing towards the animals, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."

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In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer and his Seventh Cavalry were wiped out by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians in the Battle of the Little Big Horn in Montana.

In 1950, war broke out in Korea as forces from the communist North invaded the South.

In 1962, the Supreme Court, in Engel v. Vitale, ruled that recital of a state-sponsored prayer in New York State public schools was unconstitutional.

In 2009, death claimed Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," in Los Angles at age 50 and actress Farrah Fawcett in Santa Monica at age 62.

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Today--------------------------Actress June Lockhart is 85, Actress Barbara Montgomery is 71, Singer Carly Simon is 65, Actor-comedian Jimmie Walker is 63 and TV personality Phyllis George is 61.

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Larryj