another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------The guys name is Warph, not Jeff---

Jeff was on the phone with a golf buddy who had asked him if he could get away from the house to play a round or two, and Jeff dramatically stated, "I am the master of my house and can play golf whenever I want............hang on a minute while I find out if I want to."

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In 1965, broadcast journalist Edward R. Murrow died in Pawling, NY., two days after turning 57.

In 1973, acting FBI Director L. Patrick Gray resigned after it was revealed that he'd destroyed files removed from the safe of Watergate conspirator E. Howard Hunt.

In 1978, convicted Watergate defendant John D. Ehrlichman was released from an Arizona prison after serving 18 months.


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Today-----------Actress Anouk Aimee is 78, Announcer Casey Kasem is 78, Actress Judy Carne is 71 and Actor Jack Klugman is 88.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------some people's children-------

Guests were coming over for dinner and Marina was frantically trying to get the house ready.  She was also driving her family crazy   --  barking orders to pick up, clean up, help set the table and not mess up the living room.

While she was cleaning the kitchen, she realized she'd pushed them too far when she snapped at her 12-year-old daughter, Kristen.  "Where's the broom?"

"I don't know, Mom,"  Kristen fired back.  "Where'd you park it when you landed?"

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In 1789, the mutiny on HMS Bounty took place as the crew of the British ship set Capt. William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift in a launch in the South Pacific.  (Bligh and most of the men with him managed to reach Timor in 47 days.)

In 1940, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra recorded "Pennsylvania 6-5000" for RCA Victor.

In 1967, heavyweight boxing champion Muhammad Ali refused to be inducted into the army.

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Today-------------Actress-Singer Ann-Margret is 69, Actress Marcia Strassman is 62 and TV host Jay Leno is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------groan

Carole, trying to control what she thought was dry hair, treated her scalp with a healthy dose of olive oil before washing it.  Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed it several times.

That night, when she went to bed, she leaned over to her husband, Homer, and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he replied after taking a couple of sniffs, "Why?  Do I smell like Popeye?"

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In 1945, during World War II, American soldiers liberated the Dachau concentration camp; the same day, Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun and designated Adm. Karl Doenitz president.

In 1992, deadly rioting erupted in Los Angeles after a jury in Simi Valley acquitted four Los Angeles police officers of almost all state charges in the videotaped beating of Rodney King.

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Today-----------------Actress Celeste Holm is 93, Poet Rod McKuen is 77, Actor Keith Baxter is 77, Bluesman Otis Rush is 76, Country Singer Duane Allen (the Oak Ridge Boys) is 67 and Singer Tommy James is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------it's all in who you know--------

Bill and Jim's younger sister, Toni, had just completed basic training and was home on leave before her first tour in Afghanistan.

Since Bill was an Army National Guard pilot and Jim was his crew chief, and they had to make the flight anyway, they offered to take Toni to catch her transport overseas.

When they landed at the base, several of Toni's soldier friends came out to greet her.  Toni ran ahead, while her brothers followed with her gear.  As Toni approached her buddies, she was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares.

Finally, she realized her friends weren't seeing her two brothers giving her a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in her own helicopter --  with the captain and master sergeant carrying her bags.

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In 1789, George Washington took office in New York as the first president of the United States.

In 1803, the United States purchased the Louisiana Territory from France for 60 million francs, the equivalent of about $15 million.

In 1945, as Russian troops approached his Berlin bunker, Adolf Hitler committed suicide along with his wife of one day, Eva Braun.

In 1970, President Richard M. Nixon announced the U.S. was sending troops into Cambodia, an action that sparked widespread protest.

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Today-----------Actress Cloris Leachman is 84, Actor Gary Collins is 72, Actor Burt Young is 70, Singer Bobby Vee is 67, Actress Jill Clayburgh is 66, Actor Perry King is 62 and Singer Willie Nelson is 77.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------ouch---

While on a visit to a dude ranch, Leonard walked into the blacksmith's shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing it had just come from the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

But, the blacksmith had indeed noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," Leonard said through clenched teeth, "it just don't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

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In 1898, Commodore George Dewey gave the command, "You may fire when you are ready, Gridley," as an American naval force destroyed a Spanish squadron in Manila Bay during the Spanish-American War.

In 1931, New York's 102 story Empire State Building was dedicated.

In 1963, James W. Whittaker became the first American to conquer Mt. Everest as he and a Sherpa guide reached the summit.

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Today------Former Astronaut Scott Carpenter is 85, Country Singer Sonny James is 81, Singer Judy Collins is 71, Singer Rita Coolidge is 65 and Actor-Director Douglas Barr is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------Sunday, Sunday--------

After the birth of his child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.

He greeted her with a big hug and a kiss, sat on the bed and held her hand, then gave her another big hug and kiss when he left.'

His wife's roommate commented, "Wow! Your pastor sure is friendlier than mine!"

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In 1890, the Oklahoma Territory was organized.

In 1908, the original version of "Take me out to the ballgame", with music by Albert Von Tilzer and lyrics by Jack Norworth, was copyrighted by Von Tilzer's York Music Company.

In 1970, jockey Diane Crump became the first woman to ride in the Kentucky Derby; she finished in 15th place aboard Fathom.  (The winning horse was Dust Commander.)

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Today-------------------Actor Theodore Bikel is 86, Singer Engelbert Humperdinck is 74, Actress and political Activist Bianca Jagger is 65, Country Singer R. C. Bannon is 65, Singer Leslie Gore is 64, Actor David Suchet is 64 and Singer-Songwriter Larry Gatlin is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------another ouch-----------

One morning while shaving, Dave was cursing and swearing so loudly that it attracted the attention of Christie, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

"For heaven's sake, what's the matter?" she called out.

"My razor -- it won't cut...........it's just tearing my face!" he shouted back.

"Don't be silly, dear," she declared, "do you mean to tell me that your beard is tougher than the linoleum that it cut yesterday?"

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In 1802, Washington, D.C. was incorporated as a city.

In 1909, a wireless news dispatch was transmitted from the New York Times to the Chicago Tribune in the first such communication between the two cities.

In 1933, Nellie T. Ross became the first female director of the U.S. Mint.

In 1948, the Supreme Court, in Shelley v. Kraemer, ruled that covenants prohibiting the sale of real estate to blacks or members of other racial groups were legally unenforceable.

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Today------Folk Singer Pet Seeger is 91, Singer Frankie Valli is 76, Sports Announcer Greg Gumbel is 64, Singer Mary Hopkin is 60 and Actress Ann B. Davis is 84.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------sign her up

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.   A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper and the pepper shaker was full of salt.  How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand?

Clearly this was a job for Mensa!  The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker................"

"Oh," the waitress interrupted.  "Sorry about that," she said as she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

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In 1960, actress-comedienne Lucille Ball divorced her husband, Desi Arnaz, after 20 years of marriage.

In 1961, a group of "Freedom Riders" left Washington, D.C. for New Orleans to challenge racial segregation on interstate buses and in bus terminals.

In 1970, Ohio National Guardsmen opened fire during an anti-war protest at Kent State University, killing four students and wounding nine others.  (Two of the students who died, Allison Krause and Jeffrey Miller, had been participating in the demonstration while the other two, Sandra Scheuer and William Schroeder, were passers-by en route to their next classes.)

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Today-------------Opera Singer Roberta Peters is 80, Actor Richard Jenkins is 63, Country Singer Stella Parton is 61 and Rock Musician (Surfin) Dick Dale is 73

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Yesterday-----------------sadly, Lynn Redgrave died at age 67.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------groaner

Yesterday morning a friend and I went out for a late breakfast.  I was torn between ordering from the restaurant's breakfast  and lunch menus and finally asked the server to bring me both a chicken sandwich and a side order of eggs.

When she left, I wondered aloud about whether I'd just committed some sort of faux pas.

"I don't know about that," said my friend, "but I cannot help but wonder which will come first."

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In 1862, Mexican forces loyal to Benito Juarez defeated French troops sent by Napoleon III in the Battle of Puebla.

In 1925, schoolteacher John T. Scopes was charged in Tennessee with violating a state law that prohibited teaching the theory of evolution.  (Scopes was found guilty, but his conviction was later set aside.)

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Today------------Actress Pat Carroll is 83, Actor Michael Murphy is 72, Actor John Rhys-Davies is 66, Actor Roger Rees is 66 and Actor Lance Henriksen is 70.

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[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------you have to read these very closely


Here's a listing of some recently-published books and their author:

1)  "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
2)  "The Night the Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
3)  "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
4)  "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
5)  "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
6)  "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
7)  "The Cliff Tragedy" by Eileen Dover and Paul Down
 "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
9)  "Things to Do At a Party" by Bob Frapples
10)"Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breathe
11)"Scaling the Cliffs" by Hugo First

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In 1861, Arkansas seceded from the Union

In 1937, the hydrogen-filled German airship Hindenburg burned and crashed in Lakehurst, NJ., killing 35 of the 97 people on board and a Navy crewman on the ground.

In 1960, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act of 1960.

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Today----------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Willie Mays is 79, Rock Singer Bob Seger is 65, Singer Jimmie Dale Gilmore is 65, Gospel Singer-comedienne Lulu Roman is 64, Actor Alan Dale is 63 and Actor Ben Masters is 63.

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Larryj