another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----------gotta type fast, R.A.M.B.O. has an etiquette class this morning.

It was Shirley's birthday and here she was with a case of laryngitis.

Today also marked the day that her class was going on a field trip to the zoo.  She didn't want to miss the trip, so she met with the rest of her classmates at the school parking lot in spite of having nearly lost her voice.

The highlight of the trip was the time the class spent in the petting zoo.  While Shirley was petting a baby Shetland Pony, her teacher asked, "How are you feeling today?"

In a strained voice, Shirley responded, "Well, OK, but I'm feeling a little hoarse."

(GROAN)

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In 1866, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals was incorporated.

In 1912, the RMS Titanic set sail from Southhampton, England, on it's ill-fated maiden voyage.


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Today-----------Actor Harry Morgan is 95, Actor Max von Sydow is 81, Actress Liz Sheridan is 81, Sportscaster John Madden is 74 and Sportscaster Don Meredith is 72.

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Larryj

[Jo McDonald]

How I Learned To Mind My Own Business :


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and  all the  patients were outside in the court yard shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little knot hole in one of the  planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....



Next thing I know some one poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting
'14.....14....14...'


 

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------yep, he's right

Little Johnny is not very good at spelling.  During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.

"Now then," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "k" in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny smiled and said, "Canoe?"

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In 1970, Apollo 13, with astronauts James A. Lovell, Fred W. Haise and Jack Swigert, blasted off on its ill-fated mission to the moon.  (Although the spacecraft was crippled when an oxygen tank ruptured in mid-flight, the crew managed to return safely.)

In 1980, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission issued regulations specifically prohibiting sexual harassment of workers by supervisors.

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Today----------Ethel Kennedy is 82, Actor Joel Gray is 78, Actress Louise Lasser is 71 and Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Ellen Goodman is 69.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------Well------------okay, I guess

My neighbor's son, Craig, is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers.

Apparently a good glass man is hard to find, so he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had more than 20 years of experience.

"Where have you worked as a glazier?" Craig asked.

The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."

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In 1861, the American Civil War began as Confederate forces bombarded Fort Sumter in South Carolina.

In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt died of a cerebral hemorrhage in Warm Springs, GA., at age 63; he was succeeded by Vice President Harry S. Truman.

In 1955, the Salk vaccine against polio was declared safe and effective.  (Do you remember being vaccinated?)

In 1981, the space shuttle Columbia blasted off from Cape Canaveral on its first test flight.

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Today-----------Country Singer Ned Miller is 85, Actress Jane Withers is 84, Actor Charles Napier is 74, Jazz musician Herbie Hancock is 70, Singer David Cassidy is 60 and Actor Ed O'Neill is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------There is just no escape-----------

Carol and Steve get along just great, except that she's a "backseat driver" second to none.  After years of putting up with her pestering, Steve finally decided he would no longer drive with her in the car.

Later that day, on his way home from doing some shopping at the mall, he heard his cell phone ring as he was merging onto a freeway.  It was his wife calling.  By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind him.

"Honey," she said over the speaker-phone, "your turn signal is still on..........and put on your lights; it's starting to rain."

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In 1860, the Pony Express completed its inaugural run from St. Joseph, MO., to Sacramento in 10 days.

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt dedicated the Jefferson Memorial.

In 1970, Apollo 13, four-fifths of the way to the moon was crippled when a tank containing liquid oxygen burst.  The astronauts managed to return safely.

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Today-----------Actor Lyle Waggoner is 75, Actor Edward Fox is 73, Actor Paul Sorvino is 71, Actor Tony Dow is 65, Singer Al Green is 64, Actor William Sadler is 60 and Actor Ron Perlman is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------Okay-------

Kerry, a registered nurse, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation.

She was sure she'd have no problem finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.  She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one.

Two weeks later, she was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally, Kerry received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read:  "Your resume was not attached as stated.  I do, however, want to thank you for the risotto recipe."

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In 1775, the first American society for the abolition of slavery was formed in Philadelphia.

In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln was shot in the head by John Wilkes Booth during a performance of "Our American Cousin" at Ford's theater in Washington.  Lincoln died the next day at 7:22 a.m.

In 1902, James Cash Penny opened his first store, the Golden Rule, in Kemmerer, Wyoming.

In 1910, President William Howard Taft became the first U.S. chief executive to throw the ceremonial first pitch at a baseball game between the Washington Senators and the Philadelphia Athletics.

In 1912, the British line RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg in the North Atlantic and began sinking.

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Today---------------------Actress Julie Christie is 70, Former MLB All-Star Pete Rose is 69, Actor John Shea is 61 and Country Singer Loretta Lynn is 75.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------old, but still funny--------

Two elderly people were living in a retirement community  --  he was a widower and she a widow, and they had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big clubhouse.  The two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of "careful consideration" she answered, "Yes, yes, of course I will!" 

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective abodes.  The next morning, he was troubled.  Did she say "yes" or did she say "no"?  He couldn't remember.  Try as he might, he just could not recall.  Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.  First, he explained that his memory wasn't as good as it once was.  Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.  "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'yes' or did you say 'no'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes of course I will' and I meant it with all my heart."  Then she continued "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

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In 1865, President Abraham Lincoln died, nine hours after being shot the night before by John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theater in Washington.  Andrew Johnson became the nation's 17th president.

In 1912, the British luxury liner RMS Titanic sank in the North Atlantic off Newfoundland, less than three hours after striking an iceberg:  some 1500 people died.

In 1947, Jackie Robinson, baseball's first black major league player, made his official debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers on opening day.  The Dodgers defeated the Boston Braves, 5-3.

In 1990, actress Greta Garbo died in New York at age 84.

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Today--------------------------Country Singer Roy Clark is 77 and Actor Michael Ansara (Tonto) is 88.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------GROOOOOAAAANNNNEER!

Two women archaeologists are on assignment in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.

Says one:  "We don't seem to be having much luck."

The other replies:  "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

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In 1862, President Abraham Lincoln signed a bill ending slavery in the District of Columbia.

In 1960, shortly before midnight rock-and-roll performer Eddie Cochran, 21, was fatally injured in a taxi crash in Chippenham, Wiltshire, England:  he died the next day.

In 2007, in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history, student Seung-Hui Cho killed 32 people on the campus of Virginia Tech before taking his own life.

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Today--------Pope Benedict XVI is 83, Singer Bobby Vinton is 75, Singer Gerry Rafferty is 63 and Basketball Hall-of-Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------one man's treasure, etc............

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light into a conch shell I found on the beach.

My friends, neighbors and even my relatives, made a variety of snide remarks about the exquisite artifact.  My feelings were crumpled and crushed.

At the mobile home park where I reside, management features an annual "patio sale."  I decided to offer it for sale amongst other items for the discriminating buyer.

The conch light drew many curious stares and comments I'd rather not have heard, but I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check out my incandescent wonder and finally bought it.

"That will look fantastic in your home," I said encouragingly.

"Oh," she replied, "It's not for me.  My bridge club is having a charity sale, and we were asked to bring the most hideous thing we could find.  What I have here is the winner!"

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In 1961, some 1,500 CIA trained Cuban exiles launched the disastrous Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba.

In 1964, the Ford Motor Company unveiled its new Mustang model at the New York World's Fair.

In 1969, a jury in Los Angeles convicted Sirhan Sirhan of assassinating Sen. Robert F. Kennedy.

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Today----------------------Rock Promoter Don Kirshner is 76.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------it must be Sunday

A priest rushed from church one Sunday in order to keep a golf date.  He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard the familiar "FORE" and a ball slammed into his back.

Soon the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies.  When the priest assured him that he was all right and all was forgiven, the man smiled.

"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed.''

"By the way, I've been playing this game for 40 years, and now I can finally tell me friends that I hit my first holy one!"

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In 1775, Paul Revere began his famous ride from Charleston to Lexington, Mass., warning American colonists that the British were coming.

In 1906, a devastating earthquake struck San Francisco, followed by raging fires; estimates of the final death toll range between 3,000 to 6,000.

In 1910, suffragists showed up at the U.S. Capitol with half a million signatures on petitions demanding that women receive the right to vote.

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Today-----------Actress Barbara Hale is 89, Actor Clive Revill is 80, Actor James Drury is 76, Actor Robert Hooks is 73, Actress Hayley Mills is 64 and Actor James Woods is 63.

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Larryj