another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------It's Sunday------

Christie, a Sunday school teacher, was teaching her young students about Noah and his ark.

She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for 40 days.  After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, "Perhaps, he did a lot of fishing, what do you think about that?"

Little Leroy looked at her with a slight frown and said, "I don't think so.  It would be kinda hard to do with only two worms for bait."

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In 1941, novelist and critic Virginia Woolf drowned herself in Lewes, England.

In 1969, the 34th president of the United States, Dwight D. Eisenhower, died in Washington, D.C. at age 78.

In 1979, America's worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside the Unit 2 reactor at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, PA.

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Today-------Country musician Charlie McCoy is 69, Actress Conchata Ferrell is 67, Actor Ken Howard is 66 and Actress Dianne Weist is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------sounds kinda familiar-----------------

An old prospector shuffled into the town leading an old tired mule.  The old man beaded straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

After tying his mule to the hitch rail, he began brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes.  A young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and sneered, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger on the boardwalk and said, "No, son, I never did dance, never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

Not wanting to get a toe or two blown off, the prospector started hopping around like a flea in a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached over to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.  The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.  The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was almost deafening.  The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old-timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels pointed directly at him.

The shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's behind?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir, ........but I've always wanted to."

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In 1638, Swedish colonists settled in present-day Delaware.

In 1943, World War II rationing of meat, fats and cheese began.

In 1973, the last United States combat troops left South Vietnam, ending America's direct military involvement in the Vietnam War.

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Today-----------Political commentator John McLaughlin is 83, Author Judith Guest is 74 and Comedian Eric Idle is 67.

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Larryj

[Jo McDonald]

 
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large  plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every

"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.  On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the  fence, right into my flower garden.  It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?  So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thingie through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good  luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

 

[larryJ]

Ouch!  Good one, Jo.

Today's------------------------Ya just never know who you are talking to.

After a week of snowboarding with his buddies, my friend, "Snowdogg," thought the perfect capper would be a group photo in the lodge.  So he held out his camera to a man sitting nearby.

"Excuse me, would you mind?" he asked.  The man seemed wary, but Snowdogg kept after him.  "Look, it's really easy.  Just look through here and push this button."  He then went on to show the stranger how to frame the picture.  After the fellow took the shot, the manager ambled over.

"Don't you think that was a little insulting?" he asked.

"Not at all," said Snowdogg.  "He didn't seem to know much about taking pictures."

"Oh, really?" said the manager.  "That was Steven Spielberg."

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In 1822, Florida became a United States territory.

In 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Seward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million, a deal roundly ridiculed as "Seward's Folly."

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan was shot and seriusly injured outside a Washington, D.C. hotel by John W. Hinckley, Jr.

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Today---------Game show host Peter Marshall is 84, Actor Richard Dysart is 81, Actor John Astin is 80, Actor-Director Warren Beatty is 73 and Rck musician Eric Clapton is 65.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------just doing what she said-------

Rachel's husband is wonderful with their baby daughter, but often he turns to rachel for advice.

Recently, Rachel was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Daphne for lunch?"

"That's up to you, dear," Rachel replied, "There's all kinds of food.  Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"

A few minutes later, Rachel's cell phone rang.  She hastily reached for a towel and grabbed the phone off the sink.  "Hello," she said abruptly.

"Yeah, hi honey, it's me -- uh, what should I feed Daphne for lunch?"

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In 1968, at the conclusion of a nationally broadcast address on Vietnam, President Lyndon B. Johnson stunned his audience by declaring, "I shall not seek, and I will not accept. the nomination of my party for another term as your president."

In 1995, Miexican-American singer Selena Quintanila-Perez, 23, was shot to death in Corpus Christi, Texas, by the founder of her fan club, Yolanda Saldivar, who was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.

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Today------------------Actor William Daniels is 83, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Gordie Howe is 82, Actor Richard Chamberlain is 76, Actress Shirley Jones is 76, Country singer-songwriter John D. Loudermilk is 76, Musician Herb Alpert is 75, Comedian Gabe Kaplan is 65, Actress Rhea Pearlman is 62 and Actor Ed Marinaro is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------I don't write 'em---

After telling my first and only rather bad joke one April Fool's day, I got in a fight with a really big guy.

With his teeth clenched tight, the big ol' brute said, "I'm gonna mop the floor with your face!"

I said, "Izzat so!  Well, you are going to be very, very sorry."

He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"

I said, Well, it's really not very absorbent, and you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

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In 1960, the first true weather satellite, TIRO5-1, was launched from Cape Canaveral.  (TIROS stood for "Television Infrared Observation Satellite.)

In 1984, recording star Marvin Gave was shot to death by his father, Marvin Gay Sr. in Los Angeles, the day before his 45th birthday.  (The elder Gay pleaded guilty to voluntary manslaughter, and received probation.)

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Today----------Actress Jane Powell is 82, Actress Grace Lee Whitney is 80, Actress Debbie Reynolds is 78, Country Singer Jim Ed Brown is 76, Actor Don Hastings is 76 and Actress Ali MacGraw is 72.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------Another oldie but goodie-----------


A man was walking along the beach when he stumbled across a magic lamp.  He picked it up and did what anyone would do when finding a magic lamp ----- he rubbed it.

Sure enough, out popped a genie, but not a full-fledged genie, because he only had one wish to grant.

The man loved Hawaii, but was deathly afraid of flying and became extremely seasick which eliminated boat travel.  So, the man wished for a bridge from here to there.

The genie was flabbergasted.  He pointed out what a massive task it would be and very materialistic, to say the least.  The genie suggested that the man think about it a little longer and perhaps come up with something else that would satisfy him.

The man thought and thought, then said, "Well, genie, I'd like to meet a hard-working, honest politician!"

The genie stepped back and replied, "Do you want two, or four lanes on that bridge?"

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In 1932, aviator Charles A. Lindbergh and John F. Condon went to a cemetery in The Bronx, NY, where Condon turned over $50,000 to a man in exchange for Lindbergh's kidnapped son.  (The child, who was not returned, was found dead the following June.)

In 1980, President Jimmie Carter signed into law a windfall profits tax on the oil industry.  (The tax was repealed in 1988.)

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Today------------Actress Rita Gam is 82, Actress Sharon Acker is 75, Actress Linda Hunt is 65, Singer Emmylou Harris is 63 and Actress Pamela Reed is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------no wonder I could never get a date---------

PICKUP LINES THAT DIDN'T PASS MUSTER-------------

He:  Can I buy you a drink?  She:  Actually, I'd rather have the money.

He:  I'm a photographer.  I've been looking for a face like yours.  She:  I'm a plastic surgeon.  I've been looking for a face like yours.

He:  Hi! Didn't we go on a date once?  Or was it twice?  She:  Must've been once, if ever.  I never make the same mistake twice.

He:  How did you get to be so good-looking?  She:  I must have been given all your share.

He:  Will you go out with me this Saturday?  She:  Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.

He:  Your face must turn a few heads.  She:  And your face must turn a few stomachs.

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In 1860, the legendary Pony Express began carrying mail between St. Joseph, MO, and Sacramento, CA.  (The delivery system lasted only 18 months, giving way to the transcontinental telegraph.)

In 1865, Union forces occupied the Confederate capital of Richmond, VA.

In 1882, outlaw Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, MO, by Robert Ford, a member of the James gang.

In 1990, jazz singer Sarah Vaughan died in Los Angeles at age 66.

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Today------------------Actress-singer Doris Day is 87, Actor William Gaunt is 73, Actor Eric Braeden is 69, Actress Marsha Mason is 68, Singer Wayne Newton is 68 and Singer Tony Orlando is 66.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------gotta do this quickly before church---------Happy Easter, Everyone!

Carmen's husband was bending over to tie their three-year-old's shoes.  That;s when she noticed her son, Ben, staring at her husband's head.

Ben gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head..............does it hurt?"

After a pause, Carmen heard her husband's murmured reply, "Not physically."

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In 1850, the city of Los Angeles was incorporated.

In 1968, civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr., 39, was shot to death at the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tenn.  (James Earl Ray later pleaded guilty to assassinating King, then spent the rest of his life claiming his innocence before dying in prison in 1998.)

In 1983, the space shuttle Challenger roared into orbit on its maiden voyage.

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Today--------------Actress Elizabeth Wilson is 89, Bandleader Hugh Masekela is 71, Author Kitty Kelley is 68, Actor Craig T. Nelson is 66 and Actress Christine Lahti is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------"just rockin' and a-rollin', down in Californ-i-a, surfin' USA"-----Beachboys or, "Shake, shake, shake, shake your booty"---K.C. and the Sunshine Band.

Ol' Doc Carver still made house calls.  One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house.

Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.  The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle nodded, went to the garage, and returned with a hammer.  The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, the doc came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"  A somewhat bewildered Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver and a hacksaw.

The last request was the turning point for Mr. Tuttle.  He demanded, "What in the world are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied ol' Doc Carver, "I can't get my dag-blasted instrument bag open."

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In 1614, Pocahontas, daughter of the leader of the Powhatan tribe, married English colonist John Rolfe in Virginia.  (A convert to Christianity, she went by the name Lady Rebecca.)

In 1792, George Washington cast the first veto, rejecting a congressional measure for apportioning representatives among the states.

In 1976,reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes died in Houston at age 70.

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Today-----------Country music producer Cowboy Jack Clement is 79. Former Secretary of State Colin Powell is 73, Country Singer Tommy Cash is 70, Actor Michael Moriarty is 69, Actor Max Gail is 67, Actress Jane Asher is 64 and Singer Agnetha Faltskog (ABBA) is 60.

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Larryj