another slice of wry

[frawin]

I know Dale, Myrna thought so to, the Devil made me do it.

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------so what's the problem?

My buddy and I decided to meet and have dinner.  We selected the fish dish for two.  The waiter brought a nicely prepared platter with two fish, one slightly larger than the other.  My friend pushed the plate toward me and urged, "Please help yourself."

I said, "OK," and helped myself to a fish, which happened to be the larger of the two.

After a tense silence, my friend admonished me by saying, "Really now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish."

Unrepentant, I looked at him and replied, "Well, what are you complaining about --- you have it, don't you?"

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In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt authorized the military to relocate and intern U.S. residents, including native-born Americans of Japanese ancestry.  Japanese warplanes raided the Australian city of Darwin; at least 243 people were killed.

In 1945, during World War II, some 30,000 U.S. Marines began landing on Iwo Jima, where they commenced a month-long battle to seize control of the island from Japanese forces.

In 2008, an ailing Fidel Castro resigned the Cuban presidency after nearly a half-century in power; his brother Raul was later named to succeed him.

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Today--------Singer Smokey Robinson is 70, Singer Lou Christie is 67 and Actor Michael Nader is 65.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------I sense alzheimer's----


A group of Army buddies arranged to meet regularly every 10 years to catch up.  For the 10-year reunion, they met at a bar called McGinty's Pub because the waitresses wore short skirts and low cut blouses. 

For the 20-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because it had good beer on tap.

For the 30-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because diet meals were featured on the menu.

For the 40-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because there was handicap access.

For the 50-year reunion, they met at McGinty's Pub because they had never been there before.

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In 1792, President George Washington signed an act creating the U.S. Post Office.

In 1944, during World War II, U.S. bombers began raiding German aircraft manufacturing centers in a seres of attacks that became know as "Big Week."

In 1962, astronaut John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth as he flew aboard the Mercury spacecraft Friendship 7.

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Today------Fashion Designer Gloria Vanderbilt is 86, Actor Sidney Poitier is 83, Racing Hall-of-Famer Bobby Unser is 76, Jazz-soul singer Nancy Wilson is 73, Racing Hall-of-Famer Roger Penske is 73, Singer-songwriter Buffy Saint-Marie is 69 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Phil Esposito is 68.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------sounds like great advertising

Just before Valentine's Day, I went into the Post Office and saw a young, finely dressed man standing at the counter methodically  placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

The man then took out a perfume bottle and began spraying a very sensuous scent all over them.  My curiosity got the better of me and I asked him what he was doing.

The guy says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed 'guess who?'"

"Are you actually involved with that many women?" I asked.

"No," said the frenzied mailer.  "I don't know any of them."

"Then why spend so much to send so many expensive cards?" I inquired.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

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In 1885, the Washington Monument was dedicated.

In 1916, the World War I Battle of Verdun began in France as German forces attacked; the French were able to prevail after 10 months of fighting.

In 1965, black Muslim leader and civil rights activist Malcolm X, 39, was shot to death inside the Audubon Ballroom in New York by assassins identified as members of the Nation of Islam.

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Today----Actress Rue McClanahan is 76, Actor Gary Lockwood is 73, Actress Tyne Daly is 64 and Actor Anthony Daniels is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------might be a repeat, at least, I have heard it and it is still funny.


With Spring soon approaching, it seems appropriate at this time to mention the following:

Due to the frequency of human and bear encounters, the Wildlife Department is advising hikers, campers, hunters and any others who use the wilderness and back-country areas in a recreational or work-related manner, to take precautions while in the field.

Outdoorsmen/women are urged to wear small, noisy bells on their clothing so as to give warning and not startle/surprise any bears that may be close by.

It is also strongly advised for those using the out-of-doors to carry an ample supply of "pepper spray" in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen/women should also be on the lookout for bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear scat (feces) and grizzly bear scat.

Black bear scat is full of squirrel fur and miscellaneous berries, while that of the grizzly bear has little bells and smells like pepper.

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In 109, the Great White Fleet, a naval task force sent on a round-the-world voyage by President Theodore Roosevelt, returned after more than a year at sea.


In 1980, the "Miracle on Ice" occurred in Lake Placid, NY, as the United States Olympic hockey team upset the Soviets 4-3.  (The U.S. team went on to win the gold medal.)

In 1984, 12-year-old David Vetter, who'd spent most of his life in a plastic bubble because he had no immunity to disease died 15 days after being removed from the bubble for a bone-marrow transplant.

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Today--------Announcer Don Pardo is 92, Actress Julie Walters is 62, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Julius Erving is 60 and Baseball Hall-of-Famer Sparky Anderson is 76.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------maybe some rose-colored ones?

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased for her husband the previous week.

"How can I help you, madam?" the clerk asked.

"I'm here to return these glasses I bought for my husband.  He's still not seeing things my way."

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In 1836, the siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas.

In 1870, Mississippi was readmitted to the Union.

In 1945, during World War II, U.S. Marines on Iwo Jima captured Mount Suribachi, where they raised the American flag twice.  (The second flag-raising was captured in the iconic photograph taken by Joe Rosenthal of the Associated Press.)

In 1954, the first mass inoculation of children against polio with the Salk Vaccine began in Pittsburgh.

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Today---------Actor Peter Fonda is 70, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Fred Biletnikoff is 67, Author John Sandford is 66 and Country-Rock musician Rusty Young is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------why not fruit of the loom?

My sister, Bonnie, was very busy getting her house clean.  She'd finally gotten to the basement and, after quite a few trips up and down, she heard the telephone ring upstairs.

Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end, "Hello, is this Bonnie --------?"

"Yes, it is."

"We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."

Without hesitation she told him ............

"Hanes," and hung up.

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In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull, or edict, outlining his calendar reforms.  (The Gregorian Calendar is the calendar in general use today.)

In 1821, Mexican rebels proclaimed the "Plan de Iguala" their declaration of independence from Spain.

In 1868, the House of Representatives impeached President Andrew Johnson following his dismissal of Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton; Johnson was later acquitted by the Senate.

In 1980, the U.S. hockey team defeated Finland, 4-2, to clinch the gold medal in the Winter Olympic Games in Lake Placid, N.Y.

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Today---------Actor Stephen Hill is 88, Movie composer Michel Legrand is 78, Actor James Farentino is 72, Actor Edward James Olmos is 63 and Actor Abe Vigoda is 89.

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Larryj

[Warph]

Geez.... I thought Actor Abe Vigoda was 89 thirty years ago.... are you sure he's not doing a "Weekend At Bernie's" type sequel to make us think he's still alive?

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------aren't we all----

Little Leonard walks up to his Aunt and says, "Holy smokes, Aunt Edna, why are you so doggone ugly?"

His mother overheard this and pulled Leonard into the kitchen and through clenched teeth, demanded "How could you say that to your Aunt?  .......asking why she is so doggone ugly!  For Heaven's sake!"

"Because she is," said Little Leonard.  His mother said, "That's immaterial.  You get back in there and apologize to her, right now!  I mean it .....you tell her you're sorry!"

Little Leonard goes into the living room, walks over to his aunt and says, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so doggone ugly."

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In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, giving Congress the power to levy and collect income taxes, was declared in effect by Secretary of State Philander Chase Knox.

In 1964, Cassius Clay (later Muhammad Ali) became world heavyweight boxing champion by defeating Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.

In 1986, President Ferdinand Marcos fled the Philippines after 20 years of rule in the wake of a tainted election; Corazon Aquino assumed the presidency.

In 1991, during the Persian Gulf War, 28 Americans were killed when an Iraqi Scud missile hit a U.S. barracks in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia.

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Today------Actor Tom Courtenay is 73, Actress Diane Baker is 72 and Actress Karen Grassle is 66.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------another one from "the mouths of babes"

My friend Renee and her 3-year-old daughter, Cicely, went shopping with Renee's mother, Anita.

A rather large woman, Anita sometimes had a tough time finding just the right fit.  When Anita picked out a yellow suit, Cicely went into the dressing room with her.

A moment later, Anita asked her how she liked the outfit.  Cicely replied, "Oh, Nana, you look so pretty ....... just like a big, yellow school bus."

The suit was quickly put back on the rack and the shopping "spree" ended.

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In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson signed a measure establishing Grand Canyon National Park in Arizona.

In 1987, the Tower Commission, which probed the Iran-Contra affair, issued its report, which rebuked President Ronald Reagan for failing to control his national security staff.

In 1993, a bomb built by Islamic extremists exploded in the parking garage of New York's World Trade Center, killing six people and injuring more than 1,000 others.

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Today-----------Singer Mitch Ryder is 65 and (would you believe?) Singer Fats Domino is 82.

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Larryj