another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------danged Alzheimer's!


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.  When she was discharged from the hospital and came home, I went to visit.

"May I see the new baby?" I asked.

"Not yet," she said, "I'll make some coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the baby now?"

"No, no, not yet," she said.

After another 10 minutes had elapsed, I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"

"No, no, not quite yet," she replied.

Growing somewhat impatient, I asked, "Well, when CAN I see the baby?"

"When he cries!" she told me.

"WHEN HE CRIES!" I said, completely befuddled, "Why do I have to wait until he cries?"

"Because I forgot where I put him, OK?"

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In 1653, New Amsterdam _ now New York City _ was incorporated.

In 1848, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican-American War, was signed.
 
In 1870, the "Cardiff Giant," supposedly the petrified remains of a human discovered in Cardiff, N.Y., was revealed to be nothing more than carved gypsum.

In 2005, German heavyweight boxer Max Schmeling died at age 99.

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Today-------------------Actress Elaine Stritch is 85, Actor Robert Mandan is 78, Comedian Tom Smothers is 73, Rock Singer Graham Nash is 68, Actor Bo Hopkins is 68, Country Singer Howard Bellamy is 64 and actor Brent Spiner is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------I sympathize with this guy; I have to type this while standing on my head and my eyes shut.

I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on the end of a broom handle everywhere except on the green, where he used an old umbrella for putting.

On the 19th, I told him how impressed I was.  "I guess it's because I'm a genius,"  he replied casually.  "I find everything so easy that I have to make everything more difficult."

"Billiards for example," he continued, "I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew with one hand tied behind my back.  I never lose.  I have to make it difficult, or I would get bored."

"And, target shooting with high-powered rifles," he went on.  "I've taken the sights off the gun, hold it with one hand, my left hand even though I am right-handed.  I sight with my right eye and stand on one leg while the rest of my competitors lie prone to hold the weapon stable.

"Even then, I win every time.  Nothings any fun unless I can make it into a challenge."

I was impressed.  "Got any kids?" I inquired.

"Well," he replied, "my wife's pregnant, and before you ask.................................................

standing in a hammock at the top of two tall pine trees."

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In 1913, the 16th Amendment to the Constitution, providing for federal income tax, was ratified.

In 1943, during World War II, the U.S transport ship Dorchester, which was carrying troops to Greenland, sank after being hit by a German torpedo; of the more than 900 men aboard, only some 230 survived.  Four Army chaplains gave their life belts to four other men, and went down with the ship.

In 1959, rock-and-roll stars Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson died in a small plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.

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Today-------------Comedian Shelley Berman is 84, Football Hall-of-Famer Fran Tarkenton is 70, Actress Blythe Danner is 67, Football Hall-of-Famer Bob Griese is 65, Singer Melanie is 63 and Actress Morgan Fairchild is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------Groaners, do not take a drink of coffee while reading this.

Vincent the veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist.  One day, one of his experiments paid off.

He successfully combined the DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog.  The result was a small, long-nosed round-shaped dog with long orange-tinted hair.

For a while, the dog was very, very happy and playful.  But then he became lethargic and morose.  The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression.

Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry.  The dog was just a little-------------------------melon collie.

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In 1789, electors chose George Washington to be the first president of the United States.

In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Josef Stalin began a wartime conference at Yalta.

In 1974, newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst was kidnapped in Berkeley by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

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Today------------Singer Florence LaRue (The Fifth Dimension) is 66, Former Vice President Dan Quayle is 63, Rock singer Alice Cooper is 62 and Actor Michael Beck is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------another smart kid!

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.  The final question was "Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk."  This question, the students were told, was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student in particular started off with no difficultly whatsoever by noting:

1.  It is the perfect formula for the child.

2.  It provides immunity against several  diseases.

3.  It is always at the correct temperature.

4.  It is inexpensive.

5. It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.

6.  It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck.  He could think of nothing,  Finally in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he scribbled.............

7.   It  comes in two really nifty containers,


He got an A.

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In 1937, President Franklin D. Roosevelt proposed a Judiciary Reorganization Bill that would have increased the number of Supreme Court justices; critics accused Roosevelt of attempting to "pack" the court.  (The measure failed in Congress.)

In 1940, Glenn Miller and his orchestra recorded "Tuxedo Junction" for RCA Victor's Bluebird label.

In 1989, the Soviet Union announced that all but a small rear-guard contingent of its troops had left Afghanistan.

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Today----------------Country Singer Claude King is 87, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Hank Aaron is 76, Actor David Selby is 69, Singer-songwriter Barrett Strong is 71, Football Hall-of-Famer Roger Staubach is 68, Race Car Driver Darrell Waltrip is 63, Actor Christopher Guest is 62 and Actress Barbara Hershey is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------is short and sweet

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends, when the subject of marriage counseling comes up.

"Oh, we'll never need that!!!" the wife gushes, "My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife continued, "he was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts .....  he communicates real well and I act like I'm listening!"

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In 1812, Charles Dickens was born in Portsmouth, England.

In 1904, a fire began in Baltimore that raged about 30 hours and destroyed more than 1,500 buildings.

In 1943, the government announced the start of shoe rationing, limiting consumers to buying three pairs per person for the remainder of the year.

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Today------------Author Gay Talese is 78.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------a Sunday joke in Monday's paper?

During the announcement portion at Sunday services, the minister noted that a longtime member of the church, Charlotte Burkel, was 111 years old and asked the congregation to applaud this milestone.

The announcement was followed by absolute silence and solemn stares directed toward the young minister.  Looking back over his notes, he cleared his throat and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm terribly sorry, but I have misread my notes.  Will you please keep Charlotte Burkel in your prayers because she is ill."

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In 1910, the Boy Scouts of America was incorporated.

In 1924, the first execution by gas in the United States took place at the Nevada State Prison in Carson City as Gee Jon, a Chinese immigrant convicted of murder, was put to death.

In 1960, work began on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, located at Hollywood and Vine in Los Angeles.

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Today--------Composer-Conductor John Williams is 78, Former ABC News anchor Ted Koppel is 70, Actor Nick Nolte is 69. Comedian Robert Klein is 68 and Actress Brooke Adams is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today-------------------------experience is a good lesson------------

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping, in general, would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.  When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing as a "bachelor," he crowed, "I made a cake and frosted it; washed the kitchen windows; cleaned all the cupboards; scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls, and ceiling; and even took a nice, long shower."

I was surprised and just about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl ..............so I had to do all that other stuff."

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In 1942, daylight-saving "War Time" went into effect in the United States, with clocks turned forward one hour.

In 1960, Adolph Coors Co. chairman Adolph Coors III, 44, was shot to death during a botched kidnapping attempt while on his way to the family brewery in Golden, CO.  (Coors' body wasn't found for seven months; the man who killed him, Joseph Corbett Jr. served 19 years in prison.  Corbett committed suicide in Aug. 2009.)

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Today----------Actress Kathryn Grayson is 88. Television journalist Roger Mudd is 82, Actress Jane Suzman is 71, Singer-Songwriter Carol King is 68, Actor Joe Pesci is 67, Singer Barbara Lewis is 67, Singer Joe Ely is 63, Actress Judith Light is 61 and Actress Mia Farrow is 65.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------------------sarcasm is funny


The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine an elderly gentleman known through-out the hospital to be a quick-witted, sarcastic and no-nonsense-to-the-point type of fellow.

After the exam, the doctor, in his best professional voice, said smoothly, "Hmmmm, definite improvement, definite improvement.  You're coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should, "snapped the patient, "I've been practicing all night."

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In 1962, the Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolf Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.

In 1968, U.S. figure-skater Peggy Fleming won America's only gold medal of the Winter Olympic Games in Grenoble, France.

In 1989, Ron Brown was elected chairman of the DNC, becoming the first African American to head a major U.S. political party.

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Today--------Opera Singer Leontyne Price is 83, Actor Robert Wagner is 80, Singer Roberta Flack is 73 and Olympic  gold medalist Mark Spitz is 60.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Is this true, Guys?

  Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why?


It's because she smells like a new truck.



 






 



 

 









 

[larryJ]

Good one, Judy, I hadn't thought of that, but then I don't remember any girls I dated that had a leather dress and the fact that she smelled like a truck would be the last thing on my mind on a date.

Today's-------------Gotta get this in before the server goes down---


A little boy named Ezra wasn't getting good marks in school.  One day he really gave the teacher a surprise by walking up to her desk, tapping her on the shoulder and warning, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

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In 1858, a French girl, Bernadette Soubirous, reported the first of 18 visions of a lady dressed in white in a grotto near Lourdes.  (The Catholic Church later accepted that the visions were of the Virgin Mary.)

In 1990, South African black activist, Nelson Mandela, was freed after 27 years of captivity.


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Today-----Actor Leslie Nielsen is 84, Actor Conrad Janis is 82, Actress Tina Louise is 76, Actor Burt Reynolds is 74 and Bandleader Sergio Mendez is 69.

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Larryj