another slice of wry

[Diane Amberg]

Albert DeSalvo died in a zip code? Sorry, the devil made me do it.

[larryJ]

Hah!!  Just wanted to see if you were paying attention!!!!!!!!!!!!

OR MAYBE IT WAS A TYPO.

We don't get a lot of rain, averaging only 15 inches a year, but it appears we are getting it all at once in the last two days.  We even had a tornado, unheard of in this area, or at least very rare.  That probably addled me enough to actually make a typo.  AND, there is more to come in the next few days.  The news of the damage of this storm is enough to have the local TV channels to run constant coverage and override their regular programming.  Beach cities are flooding, mountain areas where the fires burned last fall are evacuating because of the possibility of mudslides, and the local ski runs are jumping for joy. 

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------It pays to have a good assistant------

A father told his son, Drew, "While your mother and I are gone, I want you and your brother to clear away the dirty dishes, clean your room and mow the yard.

When they returned nothing had been done.  Dad was very upset.  He asked Drew, "What have you been doing while we were gone?"

Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."

Dad then turned to Timmy and asked, "And what have you been doing?"

Timmy replied, "I, --- I was helping Drew."

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In 1841, the island of Hong Kong was ceded by China to Great Britain.  (It returned to Chinese control in July 1997.)

In 1887, the U.S. Senate approved an agreement to lease Pearl Harbor in Hawaii as a naval base.

In 1942, Nazi officials held the notorious Wannsee Conference, during which they arrived at their "final solution" that called for exterminating Jews.

In 1981, Iran released 52 Americans it had held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency had passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan.

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Today-----------Country singer Slim Whitman is 86, Actress Patricia Neal is 84, Comedian Arte Johnson is  81, Former Astronaut Buzz Aldrin is 80 and Olympic gold medal figure skater Carol Heiss is 70.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------is your phone on speaker mode?

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally)?  It can really be bothersome after a while.  My friend found a fairly easy fix for that, though.  He had his wife call the offending party's desk when he wasn't there and leave this message:

"Hi, big boy, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE.  You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty, naughty boy.  You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?"

From that point on, the guy took his calls in private.

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In 1793, during the French Revolution, King Louis XVI, condemned for treason, was executed on the guillotine.

In 1915, the first Kiwanis Club was founded in Detroit.

In 1924, Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin died at age 53.

In 1968, the Battle of Khe Sanh began during the Vietnam War as North Vietnamese forces attacked a U.S. Marine base;  the Americans were able to hold their position until the siege was over two and one-half months later.

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Today--------Actress Ann Wedgeworth is 76, Opera Singer Placido Domingo is 69, Singer Richie Havens is 69, Singer Mac Davis is 68, Actress Jill Eichenberry is 63 and World Golf Hall-of-Famer Jack Nicholas is 70.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!1??

A famed explorer was invited to a senior center to tell of his adventures in the Peruvian jungle.

"Can you imagine," he began, "a people who love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals?  Furthermore, they grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals.?"

When the audience looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I have been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."

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In 1498, during his third voyage to the Western Hemisphere, explorer Christopher Columbus  arrived at the present-day Caribbean Island of St. Vincent.

In 1901, Britain's Queen Victoria died at the age of 81.

In 1944, during World War II, Allied troops began landing at Anzio, Italy.

In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in its Roe v. Wade decision, legalized abortion using a trimester approach. And, Former president Lyndon B. Johnson died at age 64.

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Today-------Actress Piper Laurie is 78 and Actor John Hurt is 70.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------makes sense to me-----------

A couple of guys in a pickup drove into a lumber yard.  One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

"Uh," the man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.  He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right.  Now, how long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "Aw, jeez, I'd better go check."  After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time------------We're gonna build a house."

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In 1845, Congress decided all national elections would be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.

In 1849, English-born Elizabeth Blackwell became the first woman in America to receive a Doctor of Medicine degree from the Medical Institution  of Geneva, NY.

In 1950, the Israeli Knesset approved a resolution affirming Jerusalem as the capital of Israel.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War.

In 2005, former "Tonight Show" host Johnny Carson died in Malibu at age 79.

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Today----------Actress Jeanne Moreau is 82, Actress Chita Rivera is 77, Actor Gil Gerard is 67, Actor Rutger Hauer is 66 and Actor Richard Dean Anderson is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------------another smart kid


Kristen was preparing waffles for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.  The  boys began to argue over who would get the first waffle.

Kristen saw this as a perfect opportunity for a moral lesson, saying, "If Jesus was sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first waffle.  I can wait for the next one.'"

The message was clear to Kevin.  He turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

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In 1848, James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in northern California, a discovery that led to the gold rush of 1849.

In 1965, Winston Churchill died in London at age 90.

In 1985, the space shuttle Discovery was launched from Cape Canaveral on the first secret, all military shuttle mission.

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Today-----Singer-songwriter Ray Stevens is 71, Singer-songwriter Neil Diamond is 69, Singer Aaron Neville is 69 and Actor Ernest Borgnine is 93.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------posted before?

How to achieve celibacy------------------

It's imperative to understand that celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

For instance:  While attending a Marriage Seminar, John and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is absolutely essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, "Can any of you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"

John leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered confidently, "It's Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?"



And, thus, began John's life of celibacy.

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In 1890, reporter Nellie Bly (Elizabeth Cochrane) of the New York World completed a round-the-world journey in 72 days, 6 hours and 11 minutes.

In 1915, Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated U.S. transcontinental telephone service between New York and San Francisco.

In 1947, American gangster Al Capone died in Miami Beach, Florida, at age 48.

In 1959, American Airlines began jet flights between New York and Los Angeles on the Boeing 707.

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Today--------Actor Dean Jones is 79, Country singer Claude Gray is 78, Actress Leigh Taylor-Young is 65 and Blues Singer Etta James is 72.

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Larryj

[Jo McDonald]

 


Cup of Tea ~ 

One day my mother was out, and my dad was  in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had  given me a little 'tea set' as a
gift, and it was one of my  favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the  evening news when I brought
Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was  just water. After several cups of
tea and lots of praise for such  yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the  living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was  'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough,
here I  came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched  him
drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know),  "'Did it ever occur to you
that the only place she can reach to  get water is the  toilet?"

[Judy Harder]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Paris ,  Tennessee .


After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.


The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Hillbilly.



"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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