another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------------Has your pharmacist ever had to call the doctor to find out what he wrote?

The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion.

As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.  His white uniform was now scorched black as well as his hair.

He slowly made his way to a woman standing nearby.  "Lady," he exclaimed, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again.....................And this time, have him PRINT IT!"

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In 1620, Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower went ashore for the first time at present-day Plymouth, Mass.

In 1937, the first feature-length animated cartoon in Technicolor, Walt Disney's "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," had its world premiere in Los Angeles.

In 1945, Gen. George S. Patton died in Heidelberg, Germany, of injuries from a car accident.

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Today------------Actor Ed Nelson is 81, Talk Show host Phil Donahue is 74, Actress Jane Fonda is 72 and Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------------Ahhh, the spirit of Christmas.


My friend Bridget who lives in Chicago, was headed down the steps to catch her subway, the "L" train.  A sign on the platform declared that the line was not running, but there was backup bus service above ground.

Bridget was rushing back up the stairs when she passed two women descending.  No 'L'," she gasped as she took two steps at a time.

"And a Merry Christmas to you, too." they called out as they continued down the stairs.

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In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Gen. William T. Sherman wrote a message to President Abraham Lincoln which said in part:  "I beg to present you as a Christmas-gift, the city of Savannah."

In 1984, New York City resident Bernhard Goetz shot and wounded four youths on a Manhattan subway, claiming they were about to rob him.

In 2001, Richard C. Reid, a passenger on an American Airlines flight from Paris to Miami,. tried to ignite explosives in his shoes, but was subdued by flight attendants and other passengers. (Reid is serving a life sentence.)

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Today-----------Actress Barbara Billingsley is 94, Baseball Hall-of-famer Steve Carlton is 65, ABC news correspondent Diane Sawyer is 64, Baseball hall-of-famer Steve Garvey is 61, Singer Robin Gibb is 60 and Actor Hector Elizondo (one of my favs) is 73.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------------------Smart kid, thinking ahead.

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to give thanks before the family's Christmas Eve dinner.  The family members bowed their heads in expectation.  He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends (naming them one by one).  Then, he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Then he began to thank God for the food, item by item:  the turkey, dressing, potatoes, rolls, butter, all the desserts, even the Cool Whip.  Then he paused, and everyone waited-------------and waited.  Finally, his mother told him to go on and thank God for the broccoli (the only item he hadn't mentioned yet).  The young fellow looked up at his mom and said, "I can't!  But I know I should, so I don't know what to do!"

"What do you mean, dear?" asked his mother.

"Since it's Jesus' birthday, I bet he is listening closer than usual," said the boy.  "So if I thank God for the broccoli, he'll know I'm lying, and then he'll tell Santa and then Santa won't bring me anything!"

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In 1783, George Washington  resigned as Commander in Chief of the Continental Army and retired to his home in Mount Vernon, VA.

In 1823, the poem "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" was published anonymously in the Troy (NY) Sentinel; the verse, more popularly known as "Twas the Night Before Christmas," was later attributed to Clement C. Moore.

In 1948, former Japanese premier Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed in Tokyo.

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Today----------Actor Gerald S. O'Loughlin is 88, Actor Ronnie Schell is 78, Actor James Stacey is 73 and Actress Susan Lucci is 63.

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Larryj

[Jo McDonald]

How funny, Larry

  We can all sort of relate to those thoughts, can't we???   

[larryJ]

Yes, we can, Jo, yes we can.

Today's-------------------------Warning!!!!!  This might kill your Christmas spirit!!!!!

Signs that a bad department store Santa was hired:

10.  He wears the Santa costume all year around.

9.   Tells the salesgirls that "Me and Mrs. Claus have an understanding."

8.   After every toy request say, "Yeah, right."

7.   Tries to hide the fact he is wearing handcuffs.

6.   Charges $5.95 for the first minute and $2.95 each additional minute.

5.   Every day around 10 A.M., throws up in the Christmas tree.

4.   Keeps sending his elves out for more Vermouth.

3.   Keeps asking kids if they'd like a piece of dried and smoked reindeer.

2.   Keeps reminiscing about the vice presidency under Bill Clinton.

1.   He's packin' heat.


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In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt appointed Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower supreme commander of Allied forces as part of Operation Overlord.

In 1968, the Apollo 8 astronauts orbiting the moon read passages from the Old Testament Book of Genesis during a Christmas Eve telecast.

In 1980, Americans remembered the U.S. hostages in Iran by burning candles or shining lights for 417 seconds --- one second for each day of captivity.

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Today---------Author Mary Higgins Clark is 82, record company executive Mike Curb is 65 and our own Rudy Taylor is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------Groaners for a Christmas Day-------------

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mo-o-o-o-o-oey Christmas!

Why did the boy's mother knit him three socks for Christmas?
Because since last Christmas he had grown an extra foot.

Why does Santa Clause go down the chimney?
Because it soots him.

On what kind of beach would you find Santa surfing?
One with a Yule tide.

What did the rabbit give his girlfriend for Christmas?
A 3 carrot ring.

What do reindeer say before they tell you a joke?
This one will sleigh you.

"What's the weather forecast for Christmas, honey?"
"It's going to rain, dear."

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.


Why are Christmas trees like clumsy knitters?
They both drop their needles.

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In A.D. 336, the first recorded celebration of Christmas on Dec. 25 took place in Rome.

In 1066, William the Conqueror was crowned king of England.  (my ancestor).

In 1818, "Silent Night" written by Franz Gruber and Father Joseph Mohr, was performed for the first time, at the Church of St. Nikolaus in Oberndorf, Austria.

In 1946, W.C. Fields died in Pasadena at age 66.

In 1977, Charlie Chaplin died in Switzerland at age 88.

In 2006, James Brown, the godfather of soul, died of heart failure in Atlanta at age 73.

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Today---------Singer Tony Martin is 96, Singer Jimmy Buffet is 63, Singer Barbara Mandrell is 61 and Actress Cissy Spacek is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------first attempt went to the great big forum in the sky.

Because an number of people are having heart attacks while gambling, the big, high class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators.  They are computer controlled to deliver the exact electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim.

That is true---------------if you are at a big, high class casino.

At the cheaper casinos, they just drag the victim across the carpet and touch his finger to the doorknob.

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In 1908, Jack Johnson became the first African-American boxer to win the world heavyweight championship as he defeated Canadian Tommy Burns in Sydney, Australia.

In 1996, 6-year-old beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey was found beaten and strangled in the basement of her family's home in Boulder, Colorado.  (To date, the slaying remains unsolved, despite a widely publicized "confession" by John Mark Karr.

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Today------Actor Donald Moffat is 79, Actor Caroll Spinney (Big Bird on "Sesame Street") is 76, Record Producer Phil Spector is 70 (wonder if they gave him a cake in prison?), and "America's Most Wanted" host John Walsh is 64.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------was a joke already posted on the forum by some one else.

So, drawn from the archives.

The semester had started at the local college and in the welcoming ceremony, the dean of students read aloud the rules of attending that school.

"The female locker rooms and dressing areas are off-limits to male students.  Conversely, the male locker rooms and dressing areas are off-limits to female students.  This applies to the dorm rooms as well."

"The first infraction of this rule will cost $20.  The second infraction will cost $40 and a third time will cost $120."

"Any questions?"  the dean asked.

From the back of the room, a male voice asked, "How much for a season pass?"

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In 1932, Radio City Music Hall opened in New York City.

In 1968, Apollo 8 and its three astronauts made a safe nighttime splashdown in the Pacific.

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Today---------Actor John Amos is 70, News Correspondent Cokie Roberts is 66 and Actor Gerard Depardieu is 61.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------with age comes knowledge------

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so loudly.  They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept in the cabin with Bob and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and bloodshot eyes.  The others said, "Sheesh, what happened?"  He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just lay awake in bed all night watching him."

The next night a different guy's turn.  In the morning, same thing ---  hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot.  They said, "Dang, what happened?  You look awful!"  He said, "Well, I'll tell you.  Bob is so loud with his snoring that I couldn't help but watch him all night."

The third night it was Fred's turn.  Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man who was quite aware of Bob's nocturnal racket.

The next morning Fred came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  "Good mornin'!" he exclaimed.  The others couldn't believe it.  They said, "Geez, what happened? "  Fred said, " Well, after we got ready for bed, I went over and tucked Bob in, patted him on the butt and kissed him goodnight......................"

"yes, yes, go on," the others demanded.

"Well, I went on to bed and apparently Bob watched ME all night."

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In 1832, John C. Calhoun became the first vice-president of the United States to resign, stepping down because of differences with President Andrew Jackson.

In 1846, Iowa became the 29th state to be admitted to the union.

In 1945, Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance.

In 2000, Clayton Moore, television's "Lone Ranger," died in West Hills, at age 85.

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Today---------Actor Martin Milner is 78, Actress Nichelle Nichols is 77, Actress Dame Maggie Smith is 75 and rock singer-musician Edgar Winter is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------it figures----------

A friend's daughter received an adorable airport play set as a gift.  Since some assembly ---- actually, a lot of assembly ---- was required, her husband spent much of the day putting together the plane, the control tower, the runway, the little baggage chute, and arranging the pieces into a teen tiny air hub.

As he finished up, his wife noticed he was frantically digging around in the box, checking all the packing materials. 

"You are not going to believe this," he said.  "The one piece missing .........is the luggage!"

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In 1890, the Wounded Knee massacre took place in South Dakota as an estimated 300 Sioux Indians were killed by U.S. troops sent to disarm them.

In 1957, singers Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme were married in Las Vegas.

In 1975, a bomb exploded in the main terminal of New York's LaGuardia Airport, killing 11 people.

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Today---------Actress Inga Swenson in 77, Actress Mary Tyler Moore is 73, Actor Jon Voight is 71, Actor Ted Danson is 62 and Singer Marianne Faithful is 63.

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Larryj