another slice of wry

[larryJ]

BONUS ---------------------BONUS---------------------------BONUS-------------------------------BONUS

This is from a friend of mine through e-mail yesterday.


THE BURGLAR

A Burglar breaks into a house and everything is dark and quiet.  As he moves through the house, a voice is heard:

JESUS IS WATCHING YOU.

He stops, turns off his flashlight and freezes, listening for more sounds or voices.  After a few minutes, he turns on the flashlight and goes to the stereo and begins removing the wiring.  Again, the voice says:

JESUS IS WATCHING YOU.

He shines the light around the room and spots a parrot in a cage in the corner.  He goes over to the parrot and says, "Did you say that?  That part about 'Jesus is watching you'?"

The parrot answers, "Yes, I did."

The burglar is pretty amazed at the ability of the parrot to carry on a conversation.  He asks, "What is your name?"  The parrot answers, "Moses."  The burglar says, "What kind of idiot names a parrot Moses?"

The parrot replies, "the same idiot that gave the name JESUS to the rottweiler."

Larryj

[Wilma]

Tell your friend "Thank you" for me.

[larryJ]

Today's----------------whatever works, I guess.

A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall, stepping up to the podium each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket and setting it on the lectern.

After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it in his jacket pocket, and leave the room.

No one ever understood why he did this, until one day a student fell asleep during the lecture.  The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked to the lectern, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of his head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room and up to the podium, reached into his jacket and removed a baseball............

No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester.

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In 1791, the Bill of Rights went into effect following ratification by Virginia.

In 1890, Sioux Chief Sitting Bull and 11 other tribe members were killed in Grand River, S.D., during a confrontation with Indian police.

In 1939, the motion picture "Gone With the Wind" had its world premiere in Atlanta.

In 1944, a single-engine plane carrying bandleader Glenn Miller, a major in the U.S. Army Air Forces, disappeared over the English Channel while en route to Paris.

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Today-----Actor-comedian Tim Conway is 76, Singer Cindy Birdsong (The Supremes) is 70, Rock Musician Dave Clark is 67 and Actor Don Johnson is 60.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------------smart man---


During an attack of laryngitis my neighbor, Sherry, lost her voice completely for three days.  Her husband, Larry, in order to help her communicate with him, devised a system of taps.

One tap meant "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes" and 95 taps meant "Take out the trash."

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In 1773, the Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea overboard to protest tea taxes.

In 1944, the World War II Battle of the Bulge began as German forces launched a surprise attack against Allied forces in Belgium.  (the Allies were eventually able to beat the Germans back).

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Today-------Actress Joyce Bulifant is 72, Actress Liv Ullmann is 71, TV producer Steven Bochco is 66, Pop singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 63 and Actor Ben Cross is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------Ya have to think about this one somewhat---

A teacher said to her class, "From the outset, I want you all to know there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom."

"You cannot use them as you recite, or on any of your papers, tests or homework.  Using the words even once will earn you a failing grade for the quarter."

"The first word is 'gross' and the second word is 'cool.'  Are there any questions?"

One student raises his hand and asks, "So, what are they?"

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In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful man-powered airplane flights near Kitty Hawk, N.C., using their experimental craft, the Wright Flyer.

In 1975, Lynette Fromme was sentenced in Sacramento to life in prison for her attempt on the life of President Gerald R. Ford.  (She was paroled in August 2009).

In 1989, the animated TV series "The Simpsons" premiered on Fox with a Christmas-themed episode.

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Today-----------Rock Singer Art Neville is 72, Actor Christopher Cazenove is 66 and Comedian-actor Eugene Levy is 63.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 36" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God.."

[larryJ]

LOL  Good one, Judy.  Thanks.

Today's----------------------------------------sounds like a fine family---

Little Timmy was having problems in English class, so his teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak with his parents.

When she rang the bell, Little Timmy opened the door.  The Teacher said, "Hello, Timmy, May I please speak with your Mother or your Father?"

Little Timmy said, "Sorry, but they's ain't here."

The teacher, exasperated, said, "Oh Timmy, what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," said Little Timmy, "but dad sure was mad that they had t'go bail her out again."

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In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the Constitution, abolishing slavery, was declared in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward.

In 1944, in a pair of rulings, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the wartime relocation of Japanese-Americans, but also said undeniably loyal Americans of Japanese ancestry could not continue to be detained.

In 1972, The United States began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War.  (The bombardment ended 11 days later).

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Today----Television Writer-Producer Hal Kanter is 91, Actor Roger Smith is 77, Blues Musician Lonnie Brooks is 76, Rock Singer-musician Keith Richards is 66 and Movie producer-director Steven Spielberg  is 63.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------------OOOOkkkkkkkaaaayyyyyy.  (Groaner)


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of the season," St. Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get to Heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.  He flicked it on, saying "This represents a candle."

"You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.  He shook them and said, "these are bells."

St. Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and solemnly asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "Oh, those are Carols."

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In 1777. Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, PA., to camp for the winter.

In 1843, "A Christmas Carol," written by Charles Dickens, was first published in England.

In 1998, President Bill Clinton was impeached by the Republican-controlled House for perjury and obstruction of justice (he was later acquitted by the Senate).

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Today--------------Country Singer Little Jimmy Dickens is 89, Actress Cicely Tyson is 76, Actress Elaine Joyce is 66, Actor Tim Reid is 65 and Singer Janie Fricke is 62.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

BONUS--------------------------------------------------BONUS--------------------------------------------BONUS

Today's reminded me of another similar one.


A man had long suspected his wife of infidelity.  He snuck home early one evening trying to catch her having an affair.  As he pulled up, he noticed a nice shiny Corvette at the curb.  Infuriated, he dashed into the second story apartment and began shouting at his wife demanding to know where her lover was.  He began to throw furniture around looking for the man.  In his frustration of not finding anyone, he picked up the refrigerator and heaved it out the window.  This exertion caused to him to have a heart attack and die. 

At the pearly gates, St. Peter sees him coming and asks what had happened and the man told St. Peter the story and went on into Heaven.  A little later, another unexpected man showed up at the pearly gates and St. Peter asked him how he had died.
He said, "You won't believe this, but I was sitting in my Corvette and all of a sudden a refrigerator fell on me, killing me."  And he went on into Heaven.

A third unexpected man came forward and St. Peter, who had not been expecting anyone that day was surprised.  He asks the third man how he died.  The third man answered, "Well, it was like this---------I was hiding in this refrigerator when all of a sudden--------------------------------------.

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------kid needs a spell checker

On this Sunday before Christmas, the Sunday school teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story.  Most of the pictures were predictable, but Robb's had an odd element in it.

"Robb, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that little thing following the donkey?"

"It's the flea, Miss Annie."

"Flea?  Uh........what flea?" asked Miss Annie.

To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse; "Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt."

"Well," Robb explained, "There's Mary; there's Jesus; and there's the flea."

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In 1803, the Louisiana Purchase was completed as ownership of the territory was formally transferred from France to the United States during ceremonies in New Orleans.

In 1963, the Berlin Wall was opened for the first time to West Berliners, who were allowed one-day visits to relatives in the Eastern sector for t he holidays.

In 1978, former White House chief of staff, H.R. Haldeman was released from prison after serving 18 months for his role in the Watergate cover-up.

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Today-----Actress Audrey Totter is 92, Psychic/illusionist Uri Geller is 63 and rock musician Alan Parsons is 61.

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Larryj