another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------this is like a "my dad is bigger than your dad."

Three mothers were sitting around comparing verbal notes on the exemplary offspring.

"There's never has been a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Hawkinsprout with a sniff.  "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Marina Del Mar."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Whippenstich proudly.  "every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons - in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Shinsplintz sat back with a proud smile.  "Nobody, but nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does - nobody."

"So, just what does Jackie do?" asked the others, turning to her.

"Well, three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city and pays him $150 an hour ---- just to talk about me!"

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Today------former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher is 84, Singer-musician Paul Simon is 68, Actress Pamela Tiffen is 67, Country Singer Lacy J. Dalton is 63, and Marie Osmond turns 50.

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Today, in 1974, longtime television host Ed Sullivan died in New York City at age 72.

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Larryj

[Cheyenne]

good one!

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------delayed to the ineptitude of the person who arises before me and brings in the paper.  I can't find it so this is from the archives.  She will be chastised upon arrival from work---------------------INLAWS!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway.

They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge.

"Aw, let's forget it," the man finally gasped, "We'll never get this inside."

The neighbour looked at him quizzically and said, "Inside?"

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Due to the non-existent newspaper, there will be no trivia or birthdays listed today. Sorry.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------with much chagrin, she was able to bring the paper to me today.  I could not find any noodles to punish her with.

Jennifer, a photographer for a daily newspaper, was assigned to get photos of a gigantic wild fire.  Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so she frantically called her boss to have him hire a plane.

"It'll be waiting for you at the airport," he advised her.  As soon as she got to the small, rural airport, sure enough there was a plane, engine running, sitting near the runway.  She jumped in with her equipment and yelled, "Let's go. Let's go!"

Without even looking at her, the fellow put aside his manual, turned the plane into the wind and they were quickly airborne.

"Fly over the north side of the fire!" she commanded him, adding, "And make three or four low-level passes!"

"What on earth for?" asked the man nervously.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" she said in exasperation.  "I'm a photographer, that's what photographers do," she hollered at him

After a brief pause, the pilot turned and looked at her and stammered, "So---So----you're telling me you aren't the instructor?"

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Today_________Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 85, Singer Barry McGuire is 74, Actress Linda Lavin is 72, Actress-Director Penny Marshall is 67, and Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York is 50.

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In 1917, Dutch dancer, Mata Hari, convicted of spying for the Germans, was executed by a French firing squad outside Paris.

In 2004, the FDA ordered that all antidepressants carry strong warnings that they "increase the risk of suicidal thinking and behavior " in children who take them.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

That would make a good sketch, Larry.

Funny!

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------another "ouch."


Chatting with her next-door neighbor, Sherry said, "I have to tell you.  I feel really good.  I have started off the day with an act of unselfish generosity.............I gave $20 to a no-good, lazy bum."

"You gave a bum $20?  That's a lot money to be handing out like that................What on earth did your husband say?" her neighbor asked.

"He said, 'Thank you, dear!"

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In 1793, during the French Revolution, Marie Antoinette, Queen of France, was beheaded.

In 1859, radical abolitionist, John Brown led a group of 21 men in a raid on Harper's Ferry in western Virginia, where  they seized a U.S. arsenal in hopes of sparking a slave revolt.  (In the siege that followed, 10 of Brown's men were killed and five escaped.  Brown and his followers ended up being captured and all were executed.)


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Today------Actress Suzanne Sommers is 63 and Actress Angela Landsbury is 84.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------I've heard it before.

A woman went to a pet store and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.  There was a sign on the cage that read $30.

"Why so inexpensive?" she asked. The pet store owner said, "Look, lemme' be honest here.  This bird used to live in a house of ill-repute and sometimes --- oftentimes  ---  he can blurt out some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman considered this, but decided because of the price, she'd get the bird anyway.  She took him home and set him in the living room.  The bird looked around, then at her and said, "Ah, new house, new madam!" 

The woman was a tad shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That really isn't so bad."

When her two teenage daughters came home from school, the bird looked at them and said, "Ah, new house, new hookers."  The women were a bit offended, but then chuckled at the inference.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Wayne, came home from work.  The bird looked at him and said, "Hiya, Wayne, how're ya doin'?"

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In 1979, Mother Teresa of India was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

In 1989, an earthquake measuring magnitude 7.1 struck Northern California, killing 63 people and causing  $6 billion worth of damage.  (The quake hit just before Game 3 of the World Series between the Oakland Athletics and the San Francisco Giants at Candlestick Park; the series was suspended until Oct. 27, at which time the A's resumed their four-game sweep of the Giants.)


In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion.  (Sentenced to 11 years in prison, Capone was released in 1939).

In 1933, Albert Einstein arrived in the United States as a refugee from Nazi Germany.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------------------Good Sunday morning!

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question.  "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air.  "He is an artist!" said kindergartner Enrique.

"Really?  How do you know?" the teacher asked.  "Well, you know -- Our Father, who does art in Heaven......."

Just then another hand shot up in the air.  "If that's so, then He -- God -- must be left-handed!" Leslie deduced.

The Sunday school teacher asked Leslie what made her think that.  She replied, "I think the Bible says that 'Jesus ascended into Heaven and sitteth at the right hand of God the Father.'   So, if God does art in Heaven, then he must be left-handed!"

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In 1867, The United States took formal possession of Alaska from Russia..

In 1931, Thomas Alva Edison died in West Orange, NJ, at age 84.

In 1982, former first lady Bess Truman died at her home in Independence, MO., at age 97.

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Today----------Rock-n-roller Chuck Berry is 83, Actress Pam Dawber is 59, Tennis hall-of-famer Martina Navratilova is 53, Actress Erin Moran (Happy Days) is 51, and Dawn Wells (Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island) is 71.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------------------whoops-----

Each year the company conducts a training session in the conference room of the same hotel.  When the company was informed that it would not be able to reserve its usual location, Steve's assistant, Denise, spent many hours on the phone, trying to work out alternative arrangements.

Finally, when the details were ironed out, she burst into the conference room adjoining Steve's office.  "Great news, Steve!" she announced.  "We're getting our regular room at the hotel."

All eyes were on Denise and Steve as she suddenly realized she had interrupted a meeting with co-workers.

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In 1781, British troops under General Lord Cornwallis surrendered at Yorktown, VA., as the American Revolution neared its end.

In 1951, President Harry S. Truman signed an act formally ending the state of war with Germany.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------------running a little late, it's been a busy day.

Laurie and Luanna are especially close girlfriends which affords them the luxury of being totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I'm fat."

"No, you're not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It looks just fine."

"I've never looked worse," she whined.

"Oh yes you have!" her friend replied.

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In 1994, actor Burt Lancaster died in Los Angeles at age 80.

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Larryj