another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------one of my favorites......

An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.

The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I'm just going to the kitchen, I'll remember."

"Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen."

"And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down.

Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top."

He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "I knew you should have wrote it down.  You forgot my toast!"

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Today is Saturday, November 8, the 312th day of the year.  There are 53 days left in the year.

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In 1887, Doc Holliday - gunslinger, gambler and occasional dentist - died from tuberculosis.

In 1950, during the Korean War, the first jet-plane battle took place as U.S. Air Force Lt. Russell J. Brown shot down a North Korean MIG-15.

In 1960, John F. Kennedy became the youngest man ever to be elected president of the United States.

In 1994, California voters approved Proposition 187, designed to deny education and social services and non-emergency health care to illegal immigrants.  The proposition was later declared unconstitutional.

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Today------Actor Norman Lloyd is 100, Comedian Ken Dodd is 87, CBS newsman Morley Safer is 83, Actor Alain Delon is 79, Singer Bonnie Raitt is 65, TV personality Mary Hart is 64 and Actress Alfre Woodard is 62.

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November 8th is:  Abet And Aid Punsters Day, Cook Something Bold And Pungent Day, Dunce Day, National Parents As Teachers Day and X-Ray Day.

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Quip for the day.....Alcohol does not make you fat.  It makes you lean.........against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

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A bit of trivia........the site of Wichita was first settled in 1864 when J.R. Mead opened a trading post there.

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You know you are in Kansas when you and all oncoming cars wave to each other.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah......

A new doctor came to town claiming to be able to cure anybody of anything.  The town's old grouchy citizen decided to test this "miracle" doctor. 

He said to the doc, "I can't taste anything."

The doctor scratched his head and thought for a while, then said, "You need a dose from Jar No. 43."

The old man took a taste and spit the terrible tasting stuff out.  He said, "That tastes terrible."  The doctor said, "I've cured you."

A month later, the old man thought he could get the doctor.  He said, "I can't seem to remember anything."

The doctor scratched his head and thought for a while, then said, "You need a dose from Jar No. 43."

The old man ran out of the office. 

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Today is Sunday, November 9, the 313th day of the year.  There are 52 days left in the year.

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In 1620, the Mayflower crew sighted Cape Cod.

In 1872, a fire in Boston destroyed hundreds of buildings and killed 14 people.

In 1875, Indian inspector E.C. Watkins submitted a report to Washington, D.C., stating that hundreds of Sioux and Cheyenne Indians associated with Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse were hostile to the U.S.

In 1965, power failures led to the great Northeast blackout.  For 13 1/2 hours, 30 million people in seven states and part of Canada had no power.

In 1989, Communist East Germany opened its borders.  Citizens traveled freely.  Germans danced atop the Berlin Wall.

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Today---Baseball Hall-of-Famer Whiter Herzog is 83, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Bob Gibson is 79, Actor Charlie Robinson is 69, Actor Robert David Hall is 66 and Actor Lou Ferrigno is 63.

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November 9th is:  World Freedom Day.

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Quip for the day.......When I was a kid.........No wait, I still do that.

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A bit of trivia......There are currently 528 caves and still counting officially identified in Kansas.

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You know you are in Kansas when every other mile you see a grain elevator instead of a Starbucks.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------stupid criminal joke day....

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted, behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21.

"The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

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Today is Monday, November 10, the 314th day of the year.  There are 51 days left in the year.

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In 1775, the Continental Congress authorized the forming of what would become the United States Marines.

In 1808, in a decision that would eventually make them one of the wealthiest surviving Indian nations, the Osage Indians agreed to abandon their lands in Missouri and Arkansas in exchange for a reservation in Oklahoma.

In 1951, direct-dialed long-distance phone service began as Englewood, N.J., Mayor M. Leslie Denning called Alameda Mayor Frank Osborne without operator assistance.

In 1958, Conway Twitty scored his very first #1 hit on the pop charts with the Rock and Roll ballad "It's only make believe."

In 1969, "Sesame Street" debuted on National Educational Television (later PBS.)

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Today-----Author W.E.B. Griffin is 85, Fashion Designer Lilly Pulitzer is 83, Actor Albert Hall is 77, Composer Tim Rice is 70, Country Singer Donna Fargo* is 69 and Musician Gregg Lake (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 67.

(* Donna Fargo was head of the English Department at our local High School, Northview High School, where both of my children went to school.  She had already left for her musical career before my children went there.)

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November 10th is:  Area Code Day, Marine Corps Birthday, Sesame Street Day, Windows Day, World Orphans Day and World Science Day For Peace and Development.

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Quip for the day......I'm still kind of mad they never actually told us how to get to Sesame Street.

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A bit of trivia......The town of Cave Springs began in 1875 as a health resort in 1875, but failed when people began questioning the springs' healing properties.  The town was officially vacated in 1949.

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You know you are in Kansas when it takes three hours to go to the store for one item even when you are in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.

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Larryj

[flintauqua]

Larry, I know you are just the messenger, but the historian/geographer in me feels the need to correct a fallacy in the 'This day in history' portion of todays post.  The 1808 treaty with the Osage did not result in their removal to a reservation in what is now Oklahoma.

The Treaty of Fort Clark (also known as the Treaty with the Osage or the Osage Treaty) was signed at Fort Osage (then called Fort Clark) on November 10, 1808.  The land ceded was described as:

Beginning at fort Clark, on the Missouri, five miles above Fire Prairie, and running thence a due south course to the river Arkansas, and down the same to the Mississippi; hereby ceding and relinquishing forever to the United States, all the lands which lie east of the said line, and north of the southwardly bank of the said river Arkansas, and all lands situated northwardly of the river Missouri.

Ft. Clark was where Sibley, MO is now, about ten miles northeast of Independence.  This treaty left the Osage in possession of the biggest part of what became the westernmost row of Missouri counties south of the Missouri River, as well as a portion of what became Arkansas, plus their historical lands in what is now Kansas and Oklahoma. 

Successive treaties in 1815 and 1825 left the Osage with a strip of land fifty miles wide north and south across what is now southern Kansas.  The NE corner of this strip is a spot about two miles north and a half east of the southeast corner of Allen county.  The NW corner of this strip is five miles west and one north of downtown Dodge City.  The Osage held title to this reservation until two treaties in 1867 and 1870, the later of which resulted in their final move, to what is now Osage County Oklahoma.

[larryJ]

Thanks, Flint.

Today's----another favorite....

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule
stumbled.

"My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.

My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

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Today is Tuesday, November 11, the 315th day of the year.  There are 50 days left in the year.

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In 1620, 41 Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower, anchored off Massachusetts, signed a compact calling for a "body politick."

In 1918, fighting in World War I came to an end with signing of an armistice between the Allies and Germany.

In 1921, three years after the end of World War I, the Tomb of the Unknowns was dedicated at Arlington Cemetery in Virginia during an Armistice Day ceremony.

In 1933, a powerful windstorm stripped the topsoil from desiccated farmlands in South Dakota.  Within two days, dust from the storm reached all the way to Albany, New York.

In 1978, a stuntman on the Georgia set of "The Dukes Of Hazard" launched the show's iconic automobile, a 1969 Dodge Charger named the General Lee, off a dirt ramp and over a police car.  That jump totaled the car, but the scene was shown in every episode and made TV history.

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Today-----Jazz-singer musician Mose Allison is 87, Actress Bibi Anderson is 79, Author Peg Kehret is 78, Country singer Narvel Felts is 76, Americana Roots singer/songwriter Chris Smither is 70, Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller is 63 and Actor Marc Summers is 63.

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November 11th is:  Death/Duty Day, National Young Readers Day, Origami Day and Veterans Day.

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Quip for the day.......Well, another day has passed and I didn't use algebra once.

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A bit of trivia.......the Oregon Trail passed through six states including Kansas.  There were no Indian attacks reported on the trail in Kansas.

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You know you're in Kansas when someone's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of their forehead.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----smart kid.....

The teacher said, "Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"

Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.

"What's the matter?," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"

"I'm waiting for my secretary," Joe replied.

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Today is Wednesday, November 12, the 316th day of the year.  There are 49 days left in the year.

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In 1936, the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge opened as President Franklin D. Roosevelt pressed a telegraph key in Washington, D.C., giving the green light to traffic.

In 1954, Ellis Island, gateway to America, shut its doors after processing more than 12 million immigrants since opening in 1892.

In 1981, Actor William Holden died at age 63 in his home in Santa Monica, California.

In 1987, the American Medical Association issued a policy statement saying it was unethical for a doctor to refuse to treat someone solely because that person had AIDS or was HIV-positive.

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Today------Actor Wallace Shawn is 71, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 70 and Singer Neil Young (Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young) is 69.

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Quip for the day......Someone called me lazy today..........I almost responded.

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A bit of trivia.....Second only to Texas, there have been more meteorites found in Kansas than any other state west of the Mississippi River.

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You know you're from Kansas when the question "KU or K-State?" can make or break a relationship.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----what her words really mean......

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

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Today is Thursday, November 13, the 317th day of the year.  There are 48 days left in the year.

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In 1789, Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter to a friend, Jean-Baptiste Leroy, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."

In 1849, voters in California ratified the state's original constitution. 

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure lowering the minimum draft age from 21 to 18.

In 1956, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public city and state buses.

In 1982, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, D.C.

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Today------Actress Madeleine Sherwood is 92, Journalist-author Peter Arnett is 80, Producer-director Garry Marshall is 80, Actor Tom Atkins is 79, Actor Jimmy Hawkins is 73, Country singer-songwriter Ray Wylie Hubbard is 68, Actor Joe Mantegna is 67, Actor Art Malik is 62, Actress Francis Conroy is 61 and Actor Chris Noth is 60.

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November 13th is: World Kindness Day.

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Quip for the day......I see absolutely no reason to act my age.

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A bit of trivia.........Kansas won the award for the most beautiful license plate in 1981.  It was the wheat plate design that won.

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You know you're from Kansas when you can remember KKRD.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----computer help....

Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks, A Troubled User.

(KEEP READING)
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REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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Today is Friday, November 14, the 318th day of the year.  There are 47 days left in the year.

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In 1851, Herman Melville's novel "Moby-Dick, Or, The Whale" was first published in the U.S.

In 1882, gunslinger Franklin "Buckskin" Leslie shot Billy "The Kid" Claibourne dead in the streets of Tombstone, Arizona.

In 1969, Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.

In 1972, the Dow Jones Industrial Average closed above the 1,000 level for the first time, ending the day at 1,003.16.

In 1990, it was revealed that the pop duo Milli Vanilli had done none of the singing on their Grammy-winning debut album "Girl You Know Its True."

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Today----Writer P.J. O'Rourke is 67, Singer-musician Buckwheat Zydeco is 67, Britain's Prince Charles is 66, Guitarist James Young (Styx) is 65, Voice actor Bill Farmer is 62 and Composer Yanni is 60.

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November 14th is:  International Girls Day, Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day, National American Teddy Bear Day, National Spicy Guacamole Day, National Pickle Day, Operating Room Nurse Day, Spirit Of National Speaker Association Day and World Diabetes Day.

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Quip for the day......Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring so I go back to being me.

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A bit of trivia....the above mentioned voice actor Bill Farmer, the voice of Goofy, Pluto and Horace Horsecollar, was born in Pratt, Kansas.

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You know you're in Kansas when you break out in a sweat at 7:00 AM on an August day.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----a few politically correct phrases......

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED..
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.

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Today is Saturday, November 15, the 319th day of the year.  There are 46 days left in the year.

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In 1777, the Second Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation.

In 1806, during his second exploratory expedition, Zebulon Pike spotted the mountain which was later named in his honor.

In 1939, President Franklin D. Roosevelt laid the cornerstone of the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C.

In 1956, Love Me Tender, featuring the singer Elvis Presley in his big screen debut, premiered in New York City at the Paramount Theater.

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Today-------Judge Joseph Wapner is 95, Actor Ed Asner is 85, Singer Petula Clark is 82, Comedian Jack Burns is 81, Actress Joanna Barnes is 80, Actor Sam Waterston is 74, Actor Bob Gunton is 69, Singer Frida Lyngstad (ABBA) is 69, Journalist Bob Beckel is 66 and Singer Alexander O'Neal is 61.

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November 15th is:  America Recycles Day, I Love To Write Day, National Bundt Pan Day, National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day, National Day Of Play, National Philanthropy Day, Guiness World Record Day and Rock Your Mocs Day.

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Quip for the day....6 out 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

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A bit of trivia......The first train come through Kansas in 1860.

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You know you're in Kansas when you see kids driving tractors before they are old enough to drive cars.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----good one.....

A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles. The drunk was swerving from side to side and the preacher was driving straight and true.

All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff. The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right.

He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me."

The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time, cuz your gonna get him killed!"

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Today is Sunday, November 16, the 320th day of the year.  There are 45 days left in the year.

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In 1907, the Indian Territory and Oklahoma Territory collectively entered the United States as Oklahoma, the 46th state.

In 1914, the newly created Federal Reserve Banks opened in 12 cities.

In 1939, mob boss Al Capone was released from prison after serving 7 1/2 years for tax evasion and failure to file tax returns.

In 1959, The Sound Of Music opened on Broadway.

In 2004, President George W. Bush picked National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice to be his new secretary of state, succeeding Colin Powell.

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Today----Actor Clu Gulager is 86, Blues musician W.C. Clark is 75, Actress Joanna Petter is 72, Actor Steve Railsback is 69, Basketball player Jojo White is 68, Actor David Leisure is 64 and Actor Miguel Sandoval is 63.

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November 16th is:  International Day For Tolerance, National Button Day and World Day Of Remembrance For Road Traffic Victims.

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Quip for the day.......I'm not lazy.  I just really enjoy doing nothing.

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A bit of trivia.......Baseball Hall-of-Fame pitcher Walter Perry Johnson was born in Humboldt, Kansas, in 1887.

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You know you're in Kansas when using an elevator involves a wheat truck.

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Larryj