another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----punny.......

Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."

and.....

Jack was talking to his friend Bill. He said, "I am going to get a divorce.  My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months."

Bill thought about this and said,  "Maybe you should rethink this.  Wives like that are hard to find."

___________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, October 29, the 302nd day of the year.  There are 63 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1858, the first store opened in a small frontier town in Colorado Territory that a month later would take the name of Denver in a shameless ploy to curry favor with Kansas Territorial Governor James W. Denver.

In 1901, President William McKinley's assassin, Leon Czolgosz, was electrocuted.

In 1929, Wall Street crashed on "Black Tuesday," heralding the start of America's Great Depression.

In 1966, The National Organization for Women was formally organized during a conference in Washington, D.C.

In 1971, Duane Allman, guitarist and leader of the Allman Brothers Band, was killed when he lost control of his motorcycle in Macon, Georgia, at age 24.

___________________________________________

Today-----Singer Melba Moore is 69, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 67 and Actress Kate Jackson is 66.

___________________________________________

October 29th is:  Internet Day, National Cat Day and World Psoriasis Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.......Just because I agree with you doesn't mean you're right.  I just want you to shut up.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia....Between 1857 and 1861, small detachments of Federal troops went into Southeast Kansas to keep the peace.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah........

In 1940 two men were flying from New York to Los Angeles on what was then a new DC-3. The left New York and when they landed in Philadelphia, a red truck drove up to put fuel into the wing.

A little while later, they landed in Pittsburgh and, again, a red truck pulled up to fill the tanks with fuel.

Each time they landed to discharge or take on passengers, a red truck would pull up and add fuel to the tanks. Finally, after landing in Kansas City and seeing truck pull up again, one said to the other, "we sure are making good time."

Said the other, "yes, we are, and so is that red truck!"

___________________________________________

Today is Thursday, October 30, the 303rd day of the year.  There are 62 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1938, the radio play "The War Of The Worlds," starring Orson Welles, aired on CBS.

In 1945. The U.S. government announced the end of shoe rationing, effective at midnight.

In 1953, Gen. George C. Marshall was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

In 1974, Muhammad Ali knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round in Kinshasa, Zaire, known as the "Rumble In The Jungle," to regain his world heavyweight title.

In 1991, the so-called "Perfect Storm" hit the North Atlantic producing large waves along the New England and Canadian coasts.

___________________________________________

Today-----Journalist Robert Caro is 79, Coach Dick Vermeil is 78, Actor Dick Gautier is 77, Director Claude Lelouch is 77, Rock singer Grace Slick is 75, Songwriter Eddie Holland is 75, Singer Otis Williams is 73, Actor Henry Winkler is 68,  Drummer Chris Slade (AC/DC) is 68, Bassist Timothy B. Schmit (The Eagles) is 67 and Actor Harry Hamlin is 63.

___________________________________________

October 30th is:  Checklist Day, Create A Great Funeral Day, Devil's Night, International Bandanna Day and National Candy Corn Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.......So when does this "old enough to know better" kick in?

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.....The windiest city in the U.S. is Dodge City, Kansas.  (Sorry Chicago)

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----late, kids school activities...

Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ...

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

___________________________________________

Today is Friday, October 31, the 304th day of the year.  There are 61 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1864, Nevada became the 36th state.

In 1926, Harry Houdini, celebrated magician and escape artist, died from peritonitis at age 52.

In 1950, 21-year-old Earl Lloyd became the first African-American to play in an NBA game.

In 1993, 22-year-old actor River Phoenix died from a drug overdose outside a Hollywood nightclub.

___________________________________________

Today-------Actress Lee Grant is 88, Actor Bud Spencer is 85, Astronaut Michael Collins is 84, Former CBS anchorman Dan Rather is 83, Actor David Ogden Stiers is 72, Actor Brian Doyle-Murray is 69, Actress Deidre Hall is 67, Olympic gold medal long distance runner Frank Shorter is 67 and Talk show host Jane Pauley is 64.

___________________________________________

October 31st is:  Beggar's Night, Books For Treats Day, Day Of The Seven Billion, Girl Scout Founders Day, Halloween, National Caramel Apple Day, National Forgiveness Day, National Knock-Knock Jokes Day, National Magic Day, National UNICEF Day and Frankenstein Friday.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day........I know right from wrong..........wrong is the fun one.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.......The USGS designated Mount Sunflower as the highest point in Kansas, although it is not a mountain, but a low hump.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----smart kid......

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"

"Yes Sir!" was the reply.

"Then what would you say to Mama?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

___________________________________________

Today is November 1, the 305th day of the year.  There are 60 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1765, the Stamp Act went into effect, prompting stiff resistance from American colonists.

In 1800, President John Adams moved into the newly constructed President's House, now known as the White House.

In 1870, the United States Weather Bureau made its first meteorological observations.

In 1950, Griselio Torresola and Oscar Collazo attempted to assassinate President Harry S. Truman at the Blair House in Washington, D.C.  Truman escaped unscathed.

In 1952, the U.S. detonated the world's first thermonuclear weapon, the hydrogen bomb, on Eniwetok Atoll in the Pacific.

___________________________________________

Today---Golfer Gary Player is 79, Country singer Bill Anderson is 77, Magazine publisher Larry Flynt us 72, Football player Ted Hendricks is 67 and Actress Belita Moreno is 65.

___________________________________________

November 1st is:  All Saints Day, Dia de Los Muertos, Extra Mile Day, Give Up Your Shoulds Day, International Games Day, National Authors' Day, National Family Caregiver Day, National Family Literacy Day, National Go Cook For Your Pets Day, Prime Meridian Day, Sadie Hawkins Day, Digital Scrapbooking Day and World Vegan Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......I don't like morning people.........or morning............or people.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......Between 1922 and 1927 in Kansas, there were several legal battles against the KKK resulting in their collapse in the state.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------one of my favorites.....

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this badge? This badge says I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land and nobody or anything else can stop me."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams for help and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your badge!!"

___________________________________________

Today is Sunday, November 2, the 306th day of the year.  There are 59 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1783, Gen. George Washington issued his Farewell Orders to the Armies of the United States near Princeton, New Jersey.

In 1947, Howard Hughes piloted his huge wooden flying boat, the Hughes H-4 Hercules -- derisively dubbed "The Spruce Goose" by detractors -- on its only flight, which lasted about a minute over Long Beach Harbor.

In 1948, in the greatest upset in presidential election history, Democratic incumbent Harry S. Truman defeated Governor Thomas E. Dewey of New York.

In 1983, President Ronald Reagan signed a bill designating a federal holiday honoring Martin Luther King Jr. to be observed on the third Monday in January.

___________________________________________

Today--Actress June Squibb is 85, Singer Jay Black (Jay Black and the Americans) is 76, Actress Stefanie Powers is 72, Author Shere Hite is 72, TV show host Michael Buffer is 70, Rock musician Keith Emerson (Emerson, Lake and Palmer) is 70 and Country-rock singer-songwriter J.D. Souther is 69.

___________________________________________

November 2nd is:  All Souls Day, Cookie Monster Day, Daylight Saving Time Ends, International Day To End Impunity For Crimes Against Journalists, Plan Your Epitaph Day and Zero Tasking Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.....Note to Self:  Just because it pops into my head does not mean it should come out of my mouth.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.........Many Irish people resided in Boston in then Chatauqua County, Kansas.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------Sorry to be late, had to go out of town for two days.....

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! - Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius?  No way! It's the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"

___________________________________________

Today is/was Monday, November 3, the 307th day of the year.  There are 58 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1911, the Chevrolet Motor Car Company was founded in Detroit by Louis Chevrolet and William C. Durant.

In 1941, the Combined Japanese Fleet received Top-Secret Order No. 1.  In 34 days time, Pearl Harbor was to be bombed.

In 1954, the Japanese monster movie "Godzilla" was released by the Toho Company.

In 1957, the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 2, the second man-made satellite, into orbit; on board was a dog sacrificed in the experiment.

In 1986, the Iran-Contra affair came to light as a pro-Syrian Lebanese magazine broke the story of U.S. arms sales to Iran.

___________________________________________

Today-----Actress Peggy McCay is 87, Actress Lois Smith is 84, Actress Monica Vitti is 83, Actor-Dance Ken Berry is 81, Actor Shadoe Stevens is 68,, Boxer Larry Holmes is 65, Voice actor Jim Cummings is 62, Comedian-actress Roseanne Barr is 62, Actress Kate Capshaw is 61, Comedian Dennis Miller is 61, Football player Phil Simms is 60 and Singer Adam Ant is 60.

___________________________________________

November 3rd is:  Cliche' Day, Fill Our Staplers Day, Sandwich Day, Traffic Directors Day and Job Action Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......If you really love someone.........let them sleep.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......You know you are in Kansas when your neighbor is more than a mile away and you can still see him from your front porch.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----remember this one?......

A guy visits an Indian reservation and is introduced to a very old Indian with an amazing memory.  So the guy asks him, "What did you have for breakfast 15 years ago today?"

The old Indian says, "Eggs, bacon and toast."

The guy thinks this is a joke.  Everyone has had eggs, bacon and toast.  The old Indian is nothing but a fake.

Ten years later, the guy visits the same reservation and is amazed to see that the old Indian is still alive.

He runs up to him, raises his hand, and says, "How."

The old Indian says, "Scrambled."

___________________________________________

Today is Tuesday, November 4, the 308th day of the year.  There are 57 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1862, inventor Richard J. Gatling received a U.S. patent for his rapid-fire Gatling gun.

In 1879, the cowboy philosopher and humorist, Will Rogers, was born on a ranch in Cherokee Indian Territory in Oklahoma.

In 1922, 10 days of extremely heavy rain in New England led to flooding that killed 200 people and caused millions of dollars in damages.

In 1979, the Iran hostage crisis began as militants stormed the United States Embassy in Tehran, seizing its occupants; for some, it was the start of 444 days of captivity.

In 1991, Ronald Reagan opened his presidential library in Simi Valley, California.

___________________________________________

Today----Baseball player Dick Groat is 84, Actress Doris Roberts is 84, Actress Loretta Swit is 77, Former First Lady Laura Bush is 68, Actress Markie Post is 64 and Rock musician Chris Difford (Squeeze) is 60.

___________________________________________

November 4th is:  National Chicken Lady Day, Use Your Common Sense Day and Election Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.....Lazy Rule #1:  Can't reach it, don't need it.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......The flag of Kansas was designed in 1925.  It was officially adopted by the State Legislature in 1927 and modified in 1961 when the word "Kansas" was added.

___________________________________________

You know you are in Kansas when traffic congestion is ten cars waiting to pass a combine on the highway.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.......

"What's this daily charge for 'fruit'? The hotel guess asked the manager. "We didn't eat any."

"But the fruit was placed in your room every day. It isn't our fault you didn't take advantage of it."

"I see," said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill.

"What are you doing"? Sputtered the manager.

"I'm subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife."

"What? I didn't kiss your wife."

"Ah," replied the man, "but she was there."

___________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, November 5, the 309th day of the year.  There are 56 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1862, in Minnesota, more than 300 Santee Sioux were found guilty of raping and murdering Anglo settlers and were sentenced to hang.

In 1872, suffragist Susan B. Anthony defied the law by attempting to cast a vote for President Ulysses S. Grant.

In 1940, President Franklin D. Roosevelt won an unprecedented third term in office as he defeated Republican challenger Wendell L. Willkie.

In 1994, Former President Ronald Reagan disclosed he had Alzheimer's Disease.

In 1994, George Foreman became boxing's oldest heavyweight champion at age 45.

___________________________________________

Today----Actress Elke Sommer is 74, Singer Art Garfunkel is 73, Actor-playwright Sam Shepard is 71, Singer Peter Noone (Herman's Hermits) is 67 and Basketball player Bill Walton is 62.

___________________________________________

November 5th is:  Guy Fawkes Night and Gunpowder Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.....Out of all the lies I've told, just kidding is my favorite.

___________________________________________

You know you are in Kansas when the main drag is two blocks long.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------how true....

YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN - -

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

___________________________________________

Today is Thursday, November 5, the 310th day of the year.  There are 55 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1861, Confederate President Jefferson Davis was elected to a six-year term of office.

In 1934, Nebraska voters approved dissolving their two-chamber legislature in favor of a non-partisan single legislative body, which was implemented in 1937.

In 1990, about one-fifth of the Universal Studios back-lot was destroyed in an arson fire.

In 2012, President Barack Obama was elected to a second term of office.

___________________________________________

Today--Director Mike Nichols is 83, Actress Sally Field  is 68, Guitarist Glenn Frey (Eagles) is 66 and Jazz trumpeter Arturo Sandoval is 65.

___________________________________________

November 6th is:  International Day For Preventing The Exploitation Of The Environment In War And Armed Conflict, National Men Make Dinner Day, National Nachos Day and Saxophone Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.........Sarcastic comment....loading.......please wait.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......The lowest point in Kansas is on the Verdigris River at the Oklahoma border at 684 feet.

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when down South means Oklahoma.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------funny.....

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's dead.

Brother 1: He's dead? What do you mean he's dead? I loved that cat! Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me? I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, well, we found her, but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive. I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

___________________________________________

Today is Friday, November 7, the 311th day of the year.  There are 54 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1916, Jeanette Rankin of Montana became the first woman elected to Congress.

In 1940, only four months after its completion, the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapsed.

In 1962, Republican Richard M. Nixon, having lost California's gubernatorial race, held what he called his "last press conference," telling reporters, "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore."

In 1980, actor Steve McQueen died at age 50 in Mexico where he was undergoing an experimental treatment for cancer.

___________________________________________

Today---Evangelist Billy Graham is 96, Singer Johnny Rivers is 72, Singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell is 71 and TV show host Jon Taffer is 60.

___________________________________________

November 7th is:  National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day and National Medical Science Liason Awareness And Appreciation Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day....When I was a kid I wanted to be older.  This is not what I expected.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.......In 1804, an expedition led by Zebulon Pike explored Kansas and was not impressed with the territory's dry soil, calling the area "unfit for civilization" and "uninhabitable by those depending on agriculture for their subsistence."

___________________________________________

You know you're in Kansas when you see people wearing bib overalls to funerals and weddings.

___________________________________________

Larryj