another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----funny.......

Things Not to Hear During Surgery:

Darn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

___________________________________________

Today is Thursday, October 9, the 282nd day of the year.  There are 83 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1776, a group of Spanish missionaries settled in present-day San Francisco.

In 1888, the public was first admitted to the Washington Monument.

In 1936, harnessing the power of the Colorado River, Hoover Dam began sending electricity to Los Angeles.

In 1946, the Eugene O'Neill drama, "The Iceman Cometh" opened at the Martin Beck Theater in New York.

___________________________________________

Today----Actor Donald Sinden is 91, Actor Brian Blessed is 78, Singer Jackson Browne is 66, Nobel Peace laureate actor Robert Wuhl is 63, Actress-TV personality Sharon Osbourne is 62, Actor Tony Shalhoub is 61, Actor Scott Bakula is 60 and Actor John O'Hurley is 60.

___________________________________________

October 9th is:  Leif Erikson Day, National Chess Day, National Pro-life Cupcake Day, National Depression Screening Day, World Post Day and World Sight Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......The only time a woman wishes she was a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia....The First United Methodist Church in Hutchinson, Kansas, was built in 1874 during the time of the grasshopper plagues.  The grasshoppers came during the construction of the churches foundation, but the work was continued.  As a result thousands of grasshoppers are mixed into the mortar of the original church foundation.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah......

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

___________________________________________

Today is Friday, October 10, the 283rd day of the year.  There are 82 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1845, the U.S. Naval Academy was established in Annapolis, Maryland.

In 1913, the Panama Canal was completed as President Woodrow Wilson sent a signal from the White House by telegraph.

In 1935, George Gershwin's opera Porgy and Bess premiered on Broadway.

In 1973, Vice President Spiro Agnew, accused of accepting bribes, pleaded no contest to one count and resigned his office.

In 2004, Actor Christopher Reeve died from heart failure at age 52 in Westchester, New York.

___________________________________________

Today-------Actor Peter Coyote is 73, Actor Charles Dance is 68, Game show host Chris Tarrant is 68, Entertainer Ben Vereen is 68 and Author Nora Roberts is 64.

___________________________________________

October 10th is:  International Day For Natural Disaster Reduction, International Newspaper Carrier Day, National Handbag Day, Naval Academy Day, World Day Against The Death Penalty, World Egg Day, World Homeless Day, World Mental Health Day and World Porridge Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.....You're getting old when your daily one hour nap takes an hour and a half.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia........Vivian Vance, born Vivian Jones, who played Ethel in the "I Love Lucy" series, was born in Cherryvale, Kansas, in 1907.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------funny.......

It was a stormy night. A guy was driving in some mountains and his car broke down. He stopped it by a tree and walked down the highway looking for help. A headlight started to approach him from behind. He turned back and noticed a car coming forth very slowly. He walked up to it, opened the door, and sat on the passenger's seat.

Then he suddenly notices that there was no driver, but the car was moving! Before the guy could decide what to do, a sharp turn appeared a few meters before the car and it seemed that the car was going to go off the cliff. The guy trembled in fright, but a pale hand came in from the open window and turned the steering wheel! When the car finished turning around the curve, the hand withdrew. Every time there was a turn, the same hand would come in and guide the wheels of the car to safety.

The guy could not believe all this. As soon as he saw the lights of some rest stop by the road he jumped out of the car and ran into a bar, pale, wet, trembling, and telling everybody that he had a most creepy, supernatural experience.

Then two young men dripping in mud came into the bar. One saw the guy and said, "Hey, that's the stupid guy that got in our car while we were pushing."

___________________________________________

Today is Saturday, October 11, the 284th day of the year.  There are 81 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1614, the New Amsterdam Co. was formed by a group of merchants from Amsterdam to set up fur trading in North America.

In 1910, Theodore Roosevelt became the first former U.S. president to fly in an airplane during a visit to St. Louis.

In 1975, Saturday Night Live, a topical comedy sketch show, made its debut on NBC.

In 1991, testifying before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Anita Hill accused Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas of sexually harassing her; Thomas re-appeared before the panel to denounce the proceedings as a "high-tech lynching."

___________________________________________

Today-----Actor Amitabh Bachchan is 72, Country singer Gene Watson is 71, Singer Daryl Hall (Hall and Oates) is 68, Country singer Paulette Carlson is 63 and Actor David Morse is 61.

___________________________________________

October 11th is:  General Pulaski Memorial Day, International Day Of The Girl, National Costume Swap Day, National Family Bowling Day, Universal Music Day, Southern Food Heritage Day and National Food Truck Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day....The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to....to...uh....

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.....The Emmett Kelly Museum, honoring the world famous clown, is located in Sedan where he was born.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one.....

"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and has severe short term memory loss," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did you see where it landed?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

___________________________________________

Today is Sunday, October 12, the 285th day of the year.  There are 80 days left in the year.
___________________________________________

In 1870, General Robert E. Lee died in Lexington, Virginia, at age 63.

In 1933, bank robber John Dillinger escaped from a jail in Allen County, Ohio, with the help of his gang, who killed the sheriff, Jess Sarber.

In 1940, the famous cowboy actor Tom Mix was killed in a freak auto accident in Florence, Arizona.

In 1997, Singer John Denver died when his experimental aircraft crashed into Monterey Bay in California.

In 2000, 17 sailors were killed in a suicide bomb attack on the destroyer USS Cole in Yemen.

___________________________________________

Today------Comedian Dick Gregory is 82, Singer Sam Moore (Sam and Dave) is 79, TV show host Angela Rippon is 70, Broadcast journalist Chris Wallace is 67, Guitarist Rick Parfitt (Status Quo) is 66, Actress Susan Anton is 64 and Comedian Les Dennis is 61.

___________________________________________

October 12th is:  Columbus Day (traditional), Day Of The Six Billion, Clergy Appreciation Day, Free Thought Day, International Moment Of Frustration Scream Day and Spanish Language Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......(from a FB friend)...Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes the reason is that you are stupid and make bad decisions.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......Edward "Eddie" J. Adams was a Kansas bootlegger, car thief and murderer.  He was eventually caught and sentenced to life in prison.  He escaped custody twice and was killed in a shootout with police in Wichita on November 22, 1921.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---sounds like me.....

The 12-Step Program for Internet Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I use to.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the dog, get the kids off to school, all before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear what is happening on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on my computer.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed some time....and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

___________________________________________

Today is Monday, October 13, the 286th day of the year.  There are 79 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1775, the Continental Congress authorized construction and administration of the first American naval force.

In 1792, the cornerstone was laid for a presidential residence in the newly designated capital city of Washington, D.C.

In 1845, a majority of citizens in the independent Republic of Texas approved a proposed constitution.

In 1950, actor Jimmy Stewart starred in Harvey, a drama about an eccentric man whose best friend is a giant invisible rabbit.

___________________________________________

Today---Singer Nana Mouskouri is 80, Singer Shirley Caesar is 76, Jazz saxophonist Pharoah Sanders is 74, Singer Paul Simon (Simon and Garfunkel) is 73, Actor Demond Wilson is 68, Singer Sammy Hagar (Van Halen) is 67, Director Mary Lambert is 63, Astronaut Michael R. Clifford is 62 and Model Beverly Johnson is 62.

___________________________________________

October 13th is:  Columbus Day (observed), English Language Day, International Africa Penguin Awareness Day, International Day For Failure, Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day, National Kick Butt Day, Native American Day, Navy Birthday and National Chess Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......My wife says I never listen...at least I think that's what she said.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......In 1881, Kansas became the first state to prohibit alcoholic beverages.

___________________________________________

Larryj

___________________________________________

[larryJ]

Today's---hah....

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, "then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?"

"Yes, your honor."

"And why was that?"

"Because my wife wanted a dress."

The judge checked with his records, "But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!"

"Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times."

___________________________________________

Today is Tuesday, October 14, the 287th day of the year.   There are 78 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1912, former President Theodore Roosevelt, campaigning for the White House as the Progressive ("Bull Moose") candidate, went ahead with a speech in Milwaukee after being shot in the chest by New York saloonkeeper John Schrank, declaring, "It takes more than one bullet to kill a bull moose."

In 1947, U.S. Air Force Captain Chuck Yeager became the first person to fly faster than the speed of sound.

In 1957, "Wake Up Little Susie" became the Everly Brothers first #1 hit.

In 1964, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

___________________________________________

Today-------Actor Roger Moore is 87, Fashion Designer Ralph Lauren is 75, Singer Sir Cliff Richard is 74, Singer Justin Howard (Moody Blues) is 68, Actor Joey Travolta is 64, Actor Harry Anderson is 62 and Actor Greg Evigan is 61.

___________________________________________

October 14th is:  Be Bald And Be Free Day, National Face Your Fears Day, Spider-Man Day and World Standards Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day....Thou Shalt Not Weigh More Than Thy Refrigerator.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.......the first recorded bullfight in the United States occurred on July 4, 1884, in Dodge City.

_________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---groaner, or teaser, or something to think about........

There was once a couple named Nancy and Mike Tate, and it was their life's dream to have a compass company. They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company. Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture 750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts.

Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, and finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin. On the day of the Boy Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's Compass to help them find their way. Unfortunately, it was discovered a little too late that every single compass was made with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was facing North, the needle pointed to the South.

Needless to say, all of the boy scouts got lost and it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history. The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came the familiar adage, "He who has a Tate's is lost."

(Say it out loud).

___________________________________________

Today is Wednesday, October 15, the 288th day of the year.  There are 77 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1860, Grace Bedell, 11, of Westfield, New York, wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard.

In 1930, Duke Ellington and his Orchestra recorded "Mood Indigo."

In 1965, David Miller, a young Catholic pacifist, became the first U.S. war protester to burn his draft card.

In 1976, in the first debate of its kind between vice-presidential nominees, Democrat Walter F. Mondale and Republican Bob Dole faced off in Houston.

In 1991, despite sexual harassment allegations by Anita Hill, the Senate narrowly confirmed the nomination of Clarence Thomas to the U.S. Supreme Court, 52-48.

___________________________________________

Today----Former auto executive Lee Iacocca is 90, Singer Barry McGuire is 79, Actress Linda Lavin is 77, Actress-director Penny Marshall is 71, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Jim Palmer is 69, Singer Richard Carpenter (The Carpenters) is 68, Singer Chris Deburgh is 66, Musician Tito Jackson (The Jackson Five) is 61 and Actor Larry Miller is 61.

___________________________________________

October 15th is:  Global Hand Washing Day, Hagfish Day, Information Overload Day, International Day Of Rural Women, I Love Lucy Day, National Cake Decorating Day, National Fossil Day, National Take Your Parents To Lunch Day, National Grouch Day, National Latino AIDS Awareness Day, National Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Day, Support Your Local Chamber Of Commerce Day and White Cane Safety Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......Military words of wisdom:  It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.....Jayhawkers were Kansans to would go to Missouri and steal back slaves to give them their freedom.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----idiot joke day.....

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

___________________________________________

Today is Thursday, October 16, the 289th day of the year.  There are 76 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1859, Abolitionist John Brown led a small group on a raid against a Federal armory in Harpers Ferry, Virginia, in an attempt to start an armed slave revolt.

In 1958, Chevrolet began to sell a car-truck hybrid that it called the El Camino.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy was informed that reconnaissance photographs had revealed the presence of missile bases in Cuba.

In 1987, 17-month-old Jessica McClure was rescued after being trapped for 58 hours in an abandoned water well in Midland, Texas.

___________________________________________

Today-----Actress Angela Lansbury is 89, Actress Fernanda Montenegro is 85, Actor Barry Corbin is 74, Sportscaster Tim McCarver is 73, Actress Suzanne Somers is 68 and Singer Bob Weir (The Grateful Dead) is 67.

___________________________________________

October 16th is:  Boss's Day, Conflict Resolution Day, Department Store Day, Dictionary Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, Get Smart About Credit Day, International Credit Union Day, National Feral Cat Day, Spirit Day and World Food Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day.....It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia........Elk Falls is the outhouse capital of Kansas.  (but you knew that already.)

___________________________________________

Larryj

Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/Clasificacion.asp?ID=37&Pagina=9#ixzz3GJxtAU49

[larryJ]

Today's------hah...

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

___________________________________________

Today is Friday, October 17, the 290th day of the year.  There are 75 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1835, Texans approved the creation of the Texas Rangers.

In 1931, mobster Al Capone was convicted of income tax evasion.

In 1939, Frank Capra's comedy-drama "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," starring James Stewart, had its premiere in the nation's capital.

In 1960, Rhythm and blues legends The Drifters earned a #1 hit with "Save The Last Dance For Me."

In 1989, an earthquake measuring 7.1 on the Richter Scale struck the San Francisco area, killing 63 people and causing $68 million in damages.  This occurred just before the start of the first game of the World Series between San Francisco and Oakland.

___________________________________________

Today-----Newspaper columnist Jimmy Breslin is 84, Singer Gary Puckett (Gary Puckett and The Union Gap) is 72, Actor Michael McKean is 67, Actress Margot Kidder is 66 and Actor George Wendt is 66.

___________________________________________

October 17th is:  Alternative Fuel Day, Black Poetry Day, International Day For The Eradication Of Poverty, Mulligan Day, National Pasta Day, Mammography Day, Wear Something Gaudy Day and World Student Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day....If you woke up breathing, Congratulations!  You have another chance!

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia.....Every type of prairie habitat can be found in Kansas.

___________________________________________

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----good one......

A few days before her birthday a husband asked his wife, "Dear, what would you like for your present?"
Wife: I really don't think I should say.
Husband: How about a diamond ring?
Wife: I don't care much for diamonds.
Husband: Well, then, a mink coat?
Wife: You know I do not like furs.
Husband: A golden necklace?
Wife: I already have three of them.
Husband: Well, gosh, what do you want?
Wife: What I'd really like is a divorce.


Husband: Hmmm, I wasn't planning on spending that much

___________________________________________

Today is Saturday, October 18, the 291st day of the year.  There are 74 days left in the year.

___________________________________________

In 1867, the United States took formal possession of Alaska from Russia.

In 1892, the first long-distance telephone line between New York and Chicago was officially opened.  (It could only handle one call at a time.)

In 1931, Thomas Alva Edison, one of the most prolific inventors in history, died in West Orange, New Jersey, at age 84.

In 1954, Texas Instruments unveiled the Regency TR-1, the first commercially produced transistor radio.

In 1972, Congress passed the Clean Water Act, over-riding President Nixon's veto.

___________________________________________

Today---Rock-and-Roll performer Chuck Berry is 88, Sportscaster Keith Jackson is 86, Actress Dawn Wells is 76, College and Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Mike Ditka is 75, Comedian Paul Elliott is 67, Actress Pam Dawber is 63 and Writer-producer Chuck Lorre is 62.

___________________________________________

October 18th is:  Bridge Day, Hard Boiled Guy/Girl Day, National Chocolate Cupcake Day, World Menopause Day and Sweetest Day.

___________________________________________

Quip for the day......I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

___________________________________________

A bit of trivia......No Kansas county has two words in its name.

___________________________________________

Larryj