another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----hah.....

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

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Today is Monday, September 29, the 272nd day of the year.  There are 93 days left in the year.

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In 1907, Gene Autry, perhaps the greatest singing cowboy of all time, was born on this day in Tioga, Texas.

In 1978, John Paul I was found dead in his Vatican apartment just over a month after becoming Pope.

In 1982, Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide claimed the first victim in the Chicago area.

In 2005, John G. Roberts Jr. was sworn in as the U.S.'s 17th chief justice.

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Today-------Actress Lizabeth Scott is 93, Actress Anita Ekberg is 83, Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 79, Actor Ian McShane is 72, Actress Patricia Hodge is 68, TV personality Bryant Gumbel is 66 and Actor Drake Hogestyn is 61.

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September 29th is:  MAGS Day, Mutation Day (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), National Attend Your Grandchild's Birthday, International Coffee Day, VFW Day, World Maritime Day and World Heart Day.

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Quip for the day....My wife is on a new diet.  Coconuts and bananas.  She hasn't lost any weight, but, boy, can she climb a tree!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----oldie....

An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.

The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn't open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.

The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days' growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.

The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an "x" at the "two o'clock" mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill through the safe's door. He then took the bent metal, hooked it through the hole and fished around a few moments until a loud "CLICK" was heard. Turning the handle the door swung open slowly.

The safe was empty.

Disappointed, the entrepreneur turned to the locksmith and asked the charge for opening the safe.

"A hundred and twenty dollars," replied the locksmith.

"A hundred and twenty dollars?!" shouted the businessman, "That's outrageous! The other man only wanted forty! I want an itemized bill for it!"

"Okay." The locksmith turned on his heel and returned to his truck. A few minutes later, the entrepreneur was presented with a dirty piece of paper upon which the locksmith had written:

"Charge for drilling hole — $20
Charge for knowing WHERE to drill hole — $100."

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Today is Tuesday, September 30, the 273rd day of the year.  There are 92 days left in the year.

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In 1868, the first volume of Louisa May Alcott's Little Women was published.

In 1889, the Wyoming state convention approved a constitution that included a provision allowing women the right to vote.

In 1927, Babe Ruth hit his 60th home run that set a record which would stand for 34 years.

In 1954, the first nuclear-powered submarine, the USS Nautilus, was commissioned by the U.S. Navy.

In 1955, actor James Dean, 24, was killed in a two-car collision near Cholame, California.

In 1984, the mystery series "Murder She Wrote," starring Angela Lansbury, premiered on CBS.

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Today----Nobel Peace Laureate Elie Wiesel is 85, Actress Angie Dickinson is 83, Singer Cissy Houston is 81, Singer Johnny Mathis is 79, Singer Marilyn McCoo (The Fifth Dimension) is 71, Author Laura Esquivel is 64 and Actor Barry Williams is 60.

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September 30th is:  Ask A Stupid Question Day, Blasphemy Day and International Translation Day.

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Quip for the day.........Marriage means commitment........so does insanity.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah......

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

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Today is Wednesday, October 1, the 274th day of the year.  There are 91 days left in the year.

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In 1885, Special Delivery mail service began in the United States.

In 1890, an act of Congress created Yosemite National Park.

In 1908, Henry Ford introduced the Model T automobile.

In 1957, the motto "In God We Trust" began appearing on U.S. paper currency.

In 1961, New York Yankee Roger Maris became the first-ever major league baseball player to hit more than 60 home runs in a single season breaking Babe Ruth's record.

In 1962, Johnny Carson took over from Jack Paar as host of the late night program "The Tonight Show."

In 1987, an earthquake in Whittier, California, killed six people and injured 100 others.  (this was one of the larger ones I have felt since living here.  Whittier is about 20 miles to the south of us.)

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Today------Former President Jimmy Carter is 90, Actress-singer Julie Andrews is 79, Actress Stella Stevens is 76, Baseball player Rod Carew is 69, Actor Steven Collins is 67, Actress Yvette Freeman is 64  and Actor Randy Quaid is 64.

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October 1st is:  Balloons Around The World Day, CD Player Day, Fire Pup Day, International Day Of Older Persons, International Music Day, Model T Day, World Vegetarian Day, Guardian Angels Day, National Book It! Day and National Walk Your Dog Day.

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Quip for the day.......It is a known fact that fat people use more soap.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah......

A man was sued for slander by Mrs. Johnson for calling her a pig.  He lost the case and paid a big fine.

Afterwards, he asked the judge, "Does this mean I can no longer call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"  The judge answered that was correct.

The man asks, "Can I call a pig Mrs. Johnson?"  The judge said that was permissible and that the man would not have any legal repercussions.

The man then turned to the woman and said, "Good day, Mrs. Johnson."

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Today is Thursday, October 2, the 275th day of the year.  There are 90 days left in the year.

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In 1835, the growing tensions between Mexico and Texas erupted into violence when Mexican soldiers attempted to disarm the people of Gonzales sparking the Texan war for independence.

In 1889, the first international Conference of American States convened in Washington, D.C.

In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson suffered a stroke at the White House that left him paralyzed on his left side.

In 1950, the comic strip "Peanuts," created by Charles M. Shulz, was syndicated to seven newspapers.

In 1967, Thurgood Marshall was sworn as an associate justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

In 1985, actor Rock Hudson, 59, became the first major U.S. celebrity to die of complications from AIDS.

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Today----Baseball player Maury Wills is 82, Movie critic Rex Reed is 76, Singer-songwriter Don McLean is 69, Fashion designer Donna Karan is 66, Actor Avery Brooks is 66, Photographer Annie Leibovitz is 65, Musician Mike Rutherford (Genesis) is 64, Actor-singer Sting is 63, Singer Romina Power is 63 and Actress Lorraine Bracco is 60.

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October 2nd is:  National Custodial Workers Day, Phileas Fogg's Wager Day, World Farm Animals Day, International Non-Violence Day and Guardian Angels Day (erroneously posted yesterday.)

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Quip for the day.......Old is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oh no.....

One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object.

"What is that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked.

"It's a thermos," Mikey replied.

"What does it do?" they asked.

"Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"What do ya got in it?"

To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."

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Today is Friday, October 3, the 276th day of the year.  There are 89 days left in the year.

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In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed the last Thursday in November Thanksgiving Day.

In 1951, the New York Giants captured the National League pennant by a score of 5-4 as Bobby Thompson hit a three-run homer off Brooklyn Dodgers' Ralph Branca in the "shot heard 'round the world."

In 1967, Woody Guthrie, godfather of the 1950s folk revival movement, died.

In 1995, the jury in the O.J. Simpson murder trial found the former football star not guilty of the 1994 slayings of his former wife, Nicole Simpson, and Ronald Goldman.

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Today--Basketball Hall-of-Famer Marques O. Haynes is 88, Rock 'n' Roll singer Chubby Checker is 73, Guitarist Lindsey Buckingham (Fleetwood Mac) is 65, Astronaut Kathryn D. Sullivan is 63 and Baseball player Dave Winfield is 63.

(trivia here---Chubby Checker was given that name by Dick Clark's wife spoofing the name Fats Domino.  His real name is Ernest Evans.)

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October 3rd is:  Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Day, Lee's National Denim Day, National Diversity Day and World Smile Day.

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Quip for the day.....The grocery bag that breaks is always the one with the eggs.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one.....

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of an American solider: "One American soldier is better than 10 Taliban fighters."  So the Taliban sends over ten of his high-ranking soldiers.

After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban hears the voice again. "One American soldier is better than 100 Taliban fighters."

So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban hears the voice again. "One American soldier is better than 1000 Taliban fighters."

So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says, "Don't send anymore men.  It's a trap! There are two of them!"

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Today is Saturday, October 4, the 277th day of the year.  There are 88 days left in the year.

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In 1777, Gen. George Washington's troops launched an assault on the British at Germantown, Pennsylvania.

In 1927, sculpting began on the face of Mount Rushmore in the Black Hills National Forest in South Dakota.

In 1955, the Brooklyn Dodgers won their first World Series beating the New York Yankees 2-0.

In 1957, the Soviet Union launched Sputnik 1, the first artificial satellite, into orbit.

In 1970, Rock legend Janis Joplin died of an accidental heroin overdose in her hotel room in Los Angeles.

In 1990, Beverly Hills 90210 began on the Fox TV Network.

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Today------Actress Felicia Farr is 82, Actor Eddie Applegate is 79, Author Jackie Collins is 77, Author Anne Rice is 73, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tony La Russa is 70, Songwriter Clifton Davis is 69, Actress Susan Sarandon is 68, Actress Brynn Thayer is 65 and Actor Armand Assante is 65.

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October 4th is:  Blessing Of The Animals Day, Cephalopod Awareness Day, Fall Astronomy Day, Improve Your Office Day, Cinnamon Roll Day, National Taco Day, National Ship In A Bottle Day, Ten-Four Day, Vodka Day, World Animal Day, Inter-American Water Day and World Card Making Day.

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Quip for the day.....The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----an old favorite......

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning." I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife." He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"  And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

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Today is Sunday, October 5, the 278th day of the year.  There are 87 days left in the year.

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In 1892, the Dalton gang attempted to rob two banks simultaneously in Coffeyville, Kansas, but met resistance from townspeople, who killed four of the five bandits.

In 1921, the World Series was carried on radio for the first time as Newark, N.J., station WJZ relayed a telephoned play-by-play of the first game from the Polo Grounds.

In 1947, President Harry S. Truman made the first televised White House address -- on the world food crisis.

In 1953, Earl Warren was sworn in as the 14th chief justice of the United States, succeeding Fred M. Vinson.

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Today---Actress Glynis Johns is 91, Comedian Bill Dana is 90, College Football Hall-of-Fame coach Barry Switzer is 77, Singer-musician Steve Miller (The Steve Miller Band) is 71, Author Michael Morpurgo is 71, Singer Brian Johnson (AC/DC) is 67, Actress Karen Allen is 63, Singer Bob Geldof is 63 and Writer-producer-director Clive Barker is 62.

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October 5th is:  International Blessing Of The Fishing Fleet Day, Change A Light Day, Country Inn Bed And Breakfast Day, Intergeneration Day, International African Diaspora Day, World Communion Day and World Teachers Day.

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Quip for the day.......Any ship can be a minesweeper.........once.

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A bit of trivia......A stretch of Arizona highway near the Mexican border has destination signs in kilometers, not miles.  The markers from Nogales to Tucson are a relic of a failed Carter administration program.  The 60-mile stretch (ahem---100 Kilometers) is the only continuous highway in the U.S. with metric signs.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---long one, but worth it......


Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous.  Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.  A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants, and during a cold snap, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.  Her husband, who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa.  He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.   About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg.  He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.  His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in and loaded him on a stretcher and started carrying him out.   About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.  That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.  He volunteered to capture the snake.   He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking around under the sofa.   Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.   But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.  An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.  She went into the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.  By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken brawl had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.  They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the snake crawled out from under the sofa.  One of the policemen drew his revolver and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of an end table that was on one side of the sofa.  The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.  The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who, startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid hitting the dog and smashed into the parked police car, setting it on fire.   Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was ablaze.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising it's ladder as they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and caused the electricity to go out, and also disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed........both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new police car, and all was right with the world once again.

About a year later, they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

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Today is Monday, October 6, the 279th day of the year.  There are 86 days left in the year.

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In 1863, Confederate guerilla leader William Clarke Quantrill continued his bloody rampage through Kansas when he attacked Baxter Springs.

In 1866, the Reno gang carried out the first robbery of a moving train in the U.S., making off with $10,000 from an Ohio and Mississippi train in Jackson County, Indiana.

In 1927, the era of talking pictures arrived with "The Jazz Singer" starring Al Jolson, a movie featuring both silent and sound-synchronized sequences.

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy, speaking on civil defense, advised American families to build bomb shelters to protect them from nuclear fallout in the event of an atom bomb attack.

In 1979, Pope John Paul II became the first Pontiff to visit the White House.

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Today-----Actress Ellen Travolta is 74, Actress Britt Ekland is 72, Singer Millie Small is 68 and Rock musician David Hidalgo (Los Lobos) is 60.

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October 6th is:  Child Health Day, Ecological Debt Day, Jackie Mayer Rehab Day, Mad Hatter Day, National German-American Day, Techie's Day, World Day Of Architecture, World Habitat Day and World Day Of Bullying Prevention.

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Quip for the day...You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocking chair and you can't get it started.

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A bit of trivia.....At one time it was against the law to serve ice cream with cherry pie in Kansas.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------funny..

Four southern ladies were sitting around having Bloody Marys and talking about how much their husbands loved them.

The first one says, "My husband loves me so much that he bought me a diamond ring." But, of course, she was in such a hurry she forgot her rings, but all the women still said, "Oh, how nice."

The second woman says, "Well, my husband loves me so much he got me a fur coat." But it was the middle of July and too hot to wear a coat, but still all the ladies said, "Oh, how nice."

So then the third woman says, "Well, my husband loves me so much he bought me a Mercedes-Benz." And, of course, she was being chauffeured in the family Buick." And all the ladies said, "Oh, how nice."

So they all looked at the fourth woman and said, "Well, honey, how much does your husband love you?" She replied, "He loves me so much that he bought me lessons to a charm school so I could learn to say 'Oh, how nice' instead of sarcastically saying 'Oh, ya, right' after everything you ladies say."

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Today is Tuesday, October 7, the 280th day of the year.  There are 85 days left in the year.

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In 1949, the Republic of East Germany was formed.

In 1954, Marian Anderson became the first black singer hired by the Metropolitan Opera Company in New York.

In 1960, the first episode of the one-hour television drama "Route 66" aired on CBS.

In 1979, Pope John Paul II concluded his week-long tour of the United States with a Mass on the Washington Mall.

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Today-----Retired South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu is 83, Comedian-talk show host Joy Behar is 72, Former National Security Council aide Lt. Col. Oliver North (ret.) is 71, Rock musician Kevin Godley (10cc) is 69, Singer John Cougar Mellencamp is 63 and Drummer Tico Torres (Bon Jovi) is 61.

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October 7th is:  You Matter To Me Day and National Frappe Day.

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Quip for the day.....I always plan for the future.  I buy two cases of beer instead of just one.

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A bit of trivia......A hailstone weighing one and one half pounds fell on Coffeyville, Kansas, on September 3, 1970.

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Larryj



Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/Clasificacion.asp?ID=32&Pagina=4#ixzz3FTVCLmSE

[larryJ]

Today's----good one.....

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees."

"Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?"

"Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back at the house thar."

"No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer.

"No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's."

"You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge."

"Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!"

The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?"

"No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin."

Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"

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Today is Wednesday, October 8, the 281st day of the year.  There are 84 days left in the year.

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In 1871, the Great Chicago Fire erupted and burned for two days.

In 1944, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet," starring Ozzie and Harriet Nelson, made its debut on CBS Radio.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman announced that the secret of the atomic bomb would be shared only with Britain and Canada.

In 1956, New York Yankee pitcher Don Larsen pitched the first no-hitter in the history of the World Series.  Even better, it was a perfect game as no opposing batter reached first base.

In 1957, Jerry Lee Lewis recorded "Great Balls of Fire" for Sun Records in Memphis, Tennessee.

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Today-----Entertainment reporter Rona Barrett is 78, Actor Paul Hogan is 75, Civil Rights activist Rev. Jesse Jackson is 73, Comedian Chevy Chase is 71, Author R.L. Stine is 71, Actress Sigourney Weaver is 65 and Actor Michael Dudikoff is 60.

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October 8th is:  Alvin C. York Day, Emergency Nurses Day, International Top Spinning Day, National Bring Your Teddy Bear To Work And School Day, National Pierogy Day, Pet Obesity Awareness Day, S.A.V.E. (Stop America's Violence Everywhere), Stop Bullying Day, Walk To School Day and World Octopus Day.

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Quip for the day.....I always win..........unless there is a second entry.

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A bit of trivia....Pizza Hut Restaurants opened its first store in Wichita.  And, Kansas State Game Rules prohibit the use of mules to hunt ducks.

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Larryj