another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------funny.......

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...."

"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

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Today is Saturday, August 30, the 242nd day of the year.  There are 123 days left in the year.

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In 1945, Gen. Douglas McArthur arrived in Japan to set up Allied occupation headquarters.

In 1963, the "Hot Line" communications link between Washington and Moscow went into operation.

In 1965, New York Mets Manager Casey Stengel announced his retirement ending his 56th year in professional baseball.

In 1967, the Senate confirmed the appointment of Thurgood Marshall as the first black justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.

In 1984, the space shuttle Discovery was launched on its inaugural flight.

In 2003, movie actor Charles Bronson, best known for his tough guy roles, died in Los Angeles at age 81.

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Today---Actress Elizabeth Ashley is 75, Actor Ben Lewis Jones is 73, Olympian Jean Claude Killy is 71, Cartoonist R. Crumb is 71, Actress Peggy Lipton is 68, Comedian Lewis Black is 66, Actor Timothy Bottoms is 63, Basketball player Robert Parish is 61 and Actor David Paymer is 60.

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August 30th is:  Bacon Day, International Whale Shark Day, National Holistic Pet Day, National Buffalo Chicken Wings Day (30-31), National Toasted Marshmallow Day, Franchise Appreciation Day and International Day Of The Victims Of Enforced Disappearances.

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Quip for the day...........Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oldie but goodie.....

A lady goes into the hospital to have a very serious operation. While on the operating table, undergoing preparation, she flat lines and soon finds herself standing before St. Peter. She begins to wonder what she is doing there. "Are you sure that I'm suppose to be here, St. Peter?"

St. Peter says: "Let me look at the Book of Life." He looks carefully and says, "Why, no, my good woman, you're not due here for 30 or 40 years!"

Suddenly, the lady wakes up in the O.R. and the doctor says, "Wow! We thought we had lost you! We've consulted here and we've decided you don't need this operation at this time."

The lady hesitates and says, "Doctor, since I'm here and all prepped, could you perhaps see what you can do about this flabbiness under my arms? And maybe give me a little tummy tuck and..... Oh! Oh, how about these facial laugh lines?"

A week later, she is walking across the hospital parking lot when she is hit and killed by a truck. She goes again before St. Peter and she asks: "I thought you said I'm not due here for 30 or 40 years?"

St. Peter says, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you, my dear!"

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Today is Sunday, August 31, the 243rd day of the year.  There are 122 days left in the year.

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In 1886, an earthquake of magnitude 7.3 devastated Charleston, South Carolina.  At least 60 people died.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Neutrality Act, which he called an "Expression of the desire.....to avoid any action which might involve the United States in war."

In 1954, Hurricane Carol hit the northeast Atlantic area.  Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts bore the brunt of the storm and about 70 deaths resulted.

In 1959, Brooklyn Dodger left-hander Sandy Koufax struck out 18 batters, setting a new National League record for most strikeouts in a single game.

In 1986, an Aeromexico jet and a private plane collided over Cerritos, California, killing 82 people.  (Note:  we were on our way to the beach and were going through the Cerritos area when this happened.  We could see the smoke from the crash, but didn't know what happened until we got to my brother-in-law's house.)

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Today-----Baseball Hall-of-Famer Frank Robinson is 79, Actor Jack Thompson is 74, Violinist Itzhak Periman is 69, Singer Van Morrison is 69, Actor Richard Gere is 65 and Actress Julie Brown is 60.

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August 31st is:  International Overdose Awareness Day, Love Litigating Lawyers Day and Pony Express Day.

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Quip for the day.....If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----and another oldie but goodie.......

Little Johnny wanted $100 for a new bike and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the local postmaster saw the letter addressed to "God, USA," he decided to send it to the President of the United States.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.

Little Johnny was delighted with the $5 and wrote a thank-you note to God. It read: "Dear God, thank you for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C.  As usual, those crooks deducted $95."

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Today is Monday, September 1, the 244th day of the year.  There are 121 days of the year.

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In 1807, former Vice President Aaron Burr was acquitted of plotting to annex parts of Louisiana and Spanish territory in Mexico to be used toward establishment of an independent republic.

In 1836, Narcissa Whitman arrived in Walla Walla, Washington, becoming one of the first Anglo women to settle west of the Rocky Mountains.

In 1914, the last passenger pigeon in captivity died at the Cincinnati Zoo.

In 1939, World War II began as Nazi Germany invaded Poland.

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Today-----Actor George Maharis is 86, Comedian Lily Tomlin is 75, Singer Claudette Rogers Robinson (The Miracles) is 72, Singer Barry Gibb is 68 and Talk show host Dr. Phil McGraw is 64.

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September 1st is:  Building And Code Staff Appreciation Day, Calendar Adjustment Day, Chicken Boy's Day, Emma M. Nutt Day, Great Bathtub Race, International Day Of Awareness For The Dolphins of Taiji, Labor Day, National No Rhyme (Nor Reason) Day, Save Japan's Dolphins Day and Toy Tips Executive Toy Test Day.

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Quip for the day.........The phone in your house will always ring while you are outside fumbling for your keys.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah.....

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up, too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well, how much did you give the boy this time?"

"Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."

"That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???"

"Don't worry, hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

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Today is Tuesday, September 2, the 245th day of the year.  There are 120 days left in the year.

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In 1789, the United States Treasury Department was established.

In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Gen. William T. Sherman's forces occupied Atlanta.  (Note: I am currently reading a book on Sherman's life.)

In 1944, during World War II, Navy pilot Lt. George Herbert Walker Bush was shot down by Japanese forces as he completed a bombing run.  (Bush was rescued; his two crew members, however, died.)

In 1945, aboard the USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay, Japan formally surrendered to the Allies, bringing an end to World War II.

In 1959, Henry Ford II introduced his company's newest car - the 90-horsepower, 30 miles-per-gallon Falcon.  (Note:  I owned two of them,  a 1962 and a 1964......great cars.)

In 1969, America's first Automatic Teller Machine (ATM) made it's public debut, dispensing cash to customers at Chemical Bank in Rockville Center, New York.

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Today------Football Hall-of-Famer Terry Bradshaw is 66, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Nate Archibald is 66, Baseball player Lamar Johnson is 64, TV personality-lawyer Harvey Levin is 64, Actor Mark Harmon is 63 and International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Jimmy Connors is 62.

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September 2nd is:  Another Look Unlimited Day, Bison-ten Yell Day and V-J Day.

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Quip for the day.....She walked to the altar so many times, the church sent her a bill for carpet cleaning.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----one of my favorites.......

A prisoner at the Edmonton Maximum Security Prison started training a cockroach to do tricks. For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

"When you and I get out of here," the jailbird said to the cockroach. "we're going to tour the night-spots and make a fortune."

Finally the day arrived. The cockroach, safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick cockroach. On cue, it started moon-walking. "What about this cockroach, eh?" he said to the bartender. In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the local newspaper, rolled it up and squished the cockroach with a mighty swipe.

"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Damn things are everywhere."

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Today is Wednesday, September 3, the 246th day of the year.  There are 119 days left in the year.

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In 1777, the American flag was flown in battle for the first time during a Revolutionary War skirmish at Cooch's Bridge, Delaware.

In 1783, representatives of the United States and Britain signed the Treaty of Paris, which officially ended the Revolutionary War.

In 1868, the Japanese city of Edo was renamed Tokyo.

In 1939, Britain, France, Australia and New Zealand declared war on Germany.

In 1966, the television series "The Adventures Of Ozzie And Harriet" ended after 14 years.

In 1976, America's Viking 2 lander touched down on Mars to take the first close-up, color photographs of the planet's surface.

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Today-----"Beetle Bailey" cartoonist Mort Walker is 91, Actress Irene Papas is 88, Actress Anne Jackson is 88, Guitarist Al Jardine (The Beach Boys) is 72, Actress Valerie Perrine is 71, Drummer Don Brewer  (Grand Funk Railroad) is 66 and Author Kate White is 63.

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September 3rd is:  Skyscraper Day and National Welsh Rarebit Day.

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Quip for the day.......Remember the tea kettle:  Though up to neck in hot water it continues to whistle.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------groaner.......

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NY and then on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded.

(wait for it)

(are you ready?)

"The Czech is in the male."

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Today is Thursday, September 4, the 247th day of the year.  There are 118 days left in the year.

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In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under the leadership of Gov. Felipe de Neve.

In 1886, a group of Apache Indians led by Geronimo (also known as Goyethlay, "One Who Yawns") surrendered to Gen. Nelson Miles in Arizona.

In 1951, President Harry S. Truman's opening speech before a conference in San Francisco was broadcast across the nation, marking the first time a television program was broadcast coast to coast.

In 1957, Arkansas Gov. Orval Faubus used Arkansas National Guardsmen to prevent nine black students from entering all-white Central High School in Little Rock.

In 1957, Ford Motor Company began selling its ill-fated Edsel.

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Today-----Actress Mitzi Gaynor is 83, Singer Merald "Bubba" Knight (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 72, Actress Jennifer Salt is 70, Golfer Tom Watson is 65, Actress Judith Ivy is 63, Actor Rishi Kapoor is 62 and Actor Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs Is 61.

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September 4th is:  National Wildlife Day and Newspaper Carrier Day.

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Quip for the day.....ERROR.....no keyboard.......press F1 to continue..........

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----redneck joke day....

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Kisses with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no kisses this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free kisses."

Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.

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Today is Friday, September 5, the 248th day of the year.  There are 117 days left in the year.

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In 1774, the first Continental Congress assembled in Philadelphia.

In 1836, Sam Houston was elected president of the Republic of Texas.

In 1864, voters in Louisiana approved a new state constitution abolishing slavery.

In 1877, Oglala Sioux chief Crazy Horse was fatally bayoneted by a U.S. soldier after resisting confinement at Fort Robinson, Nebraska.

In 1975, President Gerald R. Ford survived an attempt on his life in Sacramento, California, by Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme.

In 1984, the space shuttle Discovery ended its six day inaugural flight as it landed at Edwards Air Force Base in California.

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Today------Comedian-actor Bob Newhart is 85, Actress Carol Lawrence is 82, Baseball player Bill Mazeroski is 78, Actor George Lazenby is 75, Actress Raquel Welch is 74, Movie director Werner Herzog is 72, Singer Al Stewart is 69, Singer Loudon Wainwright III is 68, Director Dennis Dugan is 68, Author Cathy Guisewite is 64 and Actor Michael Keaton is 63.

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September 5th is:  Be Late For Something Day, Bring Your Manners To Work Day, International Day Of Charity, Jury Rights Day and National Lazy Mom's Day.

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Quip for the day......Chasing the ice cream truck could count as exercise.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---hah......

Mr. Smith and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot.

Suddenly Mrs. Smith realized that a young man was about to propose.

Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."

Mr. Smith said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."

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Today is Saturday, September 6, the 249th day of the year.  There are 116 days left in the year.

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In 1861, Union forces led by Gen. Ulysses S. Grant occupied Paducah, Kentucky, during the Civil War.

In 1901, President William McKinley was shaking hands at the Pan-American Exhibition in Buffalo, New York, when 28-year-old Leon Czolgosz approached him and fired two shots into his chest.

In 1916, the first self-service grocery store opened in Memphis, Tennessee, by Clarence Saunders.

In 1997, a public funeral was held for Princess Diana at Westminster Abbey in London, six days after her death in a car crash in Paris.

In 2002, Congress convened in New York to pay homage to the victims and heroes of Sept. 11.

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Today-----Comedian Joanne Worley is 77,  Country singer David Alan Coe is 75, Bassist Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) is 71, Actress Swoosie Kurtz is 70 and Actress Jane Curtain is 67.

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September 6th is:  Fight Procrastination Day, National Planting Day, World Beard Day, National Read A Book Day and National Coffee Ice Cream Day.

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Quip for the day........The definition of mixed emotions is when you see your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----it's Sunday.....

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies." He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies. About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands. He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Johnson that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three," she replied.

"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle and said, "I outlived them all."

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Today is Sunday, September 7, the 250th day of the year.  There are 115 days left in the year.

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In 1813, the United States got its nickname, Uncle Sam.  The name is linked to Samuel Wilson, a meat packer from Troy, New York, who supplied barrels of beef to the Army during the War of 1812.

In 1907, the British liner RMS Lusitania began its maiden voyage from Liverpool, England, arriving six days later in New York.

In 1921, the San Antonio River flooded, killing 51 people and causing millions of dollars in damages.  The flood was caused by some of the heaviest rainfall ever recorded in Texas.

In 1927, American television pioneer Philo T. Farnsworth succeeded in transmitting the image of a line via purely electronic means with his device, an "image dissector."

In 1940, Nazi Germany began its eight-month blitz of Britain with the first air attack on London.

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Today----Jazz musician Sonny Rollins is 84, Actress Susan Blakely is 66, Singer Gloria Gaynor is 65, Actress Julie Kavner is 64, Rock singer Chrissie Hynde (The Pretenders) is 63, Actor Michael Emerson is 60 and Actor Corbin Bernsen is 60.

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September 7th is:  Google Commemoration, Grandma Moses's Day, Grandparent's Day, National Attention Deficit Disorder Awareness Day, "Neither Snow Nor Rain" Day, Pet Rock Day and Salami Day.

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Quip for the day........Afternoon is that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------golf jokes.......

A foursome approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed of and hooked the ball into that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."

and

Two guys meet for a round of golf.  The first guy says, "Look at this golf ball.  It's amazing.  You can't lose it.  If you hit it into the rough it pings so you can find it.  If you hit it into the water hazard, it floats."

The second guy says, "Wow!  Where did you get it?"

The first guy says, "I found it."

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Today is Monday, September 8, the 251st day of the year.  There are 114 days left in the year.

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In 1900, about 8,000 people were killed by a hurricane in Galveston, Texas.

In 1935, Senator Huey Long was shot in the Louisiana State Capitol building and died about 30 hours later.

In 1954, U.S., France, Britain, New Zealand, Australia, the Philippines, Thailand and Pakistan founded the Southeast Asia Treaty Organization.

In 1974, President Gerald R. Ford pardoned former President Richard M. Nixon.

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Today-----Guitarist Guitar Shorty is 75, Poet Jack Prelutsky is 74, Actor Alan Feinstein is 73 and Pop singer Sal Valentino is 72.

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September 8th is:  International Literacy Day, Pardon Day, Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses Day, Virgin Mary Day, World Physical Therapy Day and National Boss/Employee Exchange Day.

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Quip for the day.......Smiling is the second best thing you can do with your lips.

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Larryj