another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------------------------------------

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated.  Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement.

"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous.  Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry.  And on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Counselor," replied the Judge sternly, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking for in its entirety.  I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while driving down the freeway at 70 miles per hour."

________________________________________________

Today------------------Barbara Walters turns 80.  Actor Michael Douglas is 65, Actress Cheryl Tiegs is 62, Actor Mark Hamill (Star Wars) is 58, and Actress Heather Locklear is 48.

_________________________________________________

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well. The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.


Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
*****
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW .......

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

[Judy Harder]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,

The young minister noticed a   cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

If you don't send this

To five GOOD friends (As you  can see I made sure more than 5 people saw this) I guess I could have made this a double barrel joke, but I already commited to this one and there you have it. Today you get 2 for 1.

Right away

There will be

Five fewer people

Smiling in the world.

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------could be a repeat, at least I have seen it before.

A plane was taking off from the airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from California to New York.............The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax--------------------------------------OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!---------"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier.  While I was taking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"

At that point a passenger yelled, "That's nothing, you should see the BACK of mine."

______________________________________________________

Today................Actress Donna Douglas is 77, Singer Lynn Anderson is 62, Singer Olivia Newton-John is 61 and fitness guru Jack LaLanne is 95.

_______________________________________________

In 1969, "The Brady Bunch" premiered on ABC.

_______________________________________________

Larryj

[Cheyenne]

That is a good one!

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------------it must be Sunday

During the somewhat lengthy service, the pastor noticed a middle-aged man fast asleep.  Remaining in the pulpit, the minister, in a normal tone of voice, asked the woman sitting next to the sleeping parishioner to wake him up.

The woman looked up at the minister, shook her head and said, "I think you should wake him up..................You put him to sleep.

________________________________________

Actress Jayne Meadows is 89, Actor Wilford Brimley is 75, and Baseball Hall of Famer Mike Schmidt is 60.

________________________________________

In 1942, Glenn Miller and his Orchestra performed together for the last time, at the Central Theater in Passaic, NJ, prior to Miller's entry into the Army.


In 1954, "Tonight!", hosted by Steve Allen, made its network debut on NBC-TV.

__________________________________________________

Larryj

[Jo McDonald]

Next Tuesday evening Sept. 29th Glen Miller's band is in concert at Salina, Kansas.  My sister, her husband and friends have tickets.

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------------------------out of the mouths of babes.

A shy little 4-year-old came into the dentist for his first cleaning and examination.  Kathy, the hygienist, tried to strike up a conversation, but got no response whatsoever.

After the cleaning, Lisa, the dentist was called over to perform the examination.  Lisa tried to strike up a conversation as well, "How old are you?" she asked.  No response.

She then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"  Immediately four fingers went up.

"Oh," replied Lisa, "and do you know how old that is?"

Once again, four little fingers went up.  Continuing in her effort to get a verbal response, Lisa inquired, "Can't you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked her straight in the eye and asked indignantly,  "Can't you count?"

_________________________________________________________

Today----------------Actress Bridget Bardot turns 75 and singer Ben E. King is 71

__________________________________________________________

In 1066, William the Conqueror (my ancestor) invaded England to claim the English Throne,.

In 1850, flogging was abolished as a form of punishment in the U.S. Navy.

__________________________________________________________

Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

So how are you related to William?  That's neat.

[Wilma]

RE:  Judy's post about the farmer's donkey that fell in a well?  Seems to me just a case of a smart ass.  I am surprised that nobody else picked up on this.