another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----hah....

Tom was invited to his friend's house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.

When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, "I think it's nice you still call your wife all those pet names." "To tell you the truth," his friend said, "I forgot her name abut three years ago."

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Today is Thursday, August 21, the 233rd day of the year.  There are 132 days left in the year.

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In 1858, the first of seven debates between Illinois senatorial contenders Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas took place.

In 1863, the vicious guerilla war in Missouri spilled over into Kansas and precipitated one of the most appalling acts of violence when 150 men were murdered in the abolitionist town of Lawrence in a raid by Southern partisans.

In 1883, the trial of outlaw Frank James, brother of Jesse James, opened in Gallatin, Missouri.  It was held in the city opera house to accommodate the crowd of spectators.  He was found not guilty.

In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed an executive order making Hawaii the 50th state.

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Today-----Former football player Pete Retzlaff is 83, Actor-director Melvin Van Peebles is 82, Playwright Mart Crowley is 79, Singer Kenny Rogers is 76, Actor Clarence Williams III is 75, Rock 'n' Roll musician James Burton is 75, Actress Loretta Devine is 65 and TV show host Harry Smith is 63.

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August 21st is:  National Spumoni Day, Poet's Day and Senior Citizen's Day.

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Quip for the day........I lit the candles on my birthday cake and a group of campers formed a circle and began singing "Kumbaya."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------yep.....

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay.

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Today is Friday, August 22, the 234th day of the year.  There are 131 days left in the year.

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In 1787, inventor John Fitch demonstrated his steamboat on the Delaware River.

In 1881, American humanitarians Clara Barton and Adolphus Solomons founded the American National Red Cross.

In 1950, officials of the United States Lawn Tennis Association accepted Althea Gibson into their annual championship at Forest Hills, New York, making her the first African-American to compete in a U.S. national tennis championship.

In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower and Vice President Richard M. Nixon were nominated for second terms in office by the Republican National Convention in San Francisco.

In 1989, Nolan Ryan of the Texas Rangers became the first pitcher in major league history to register 5,000 career strikeouts.

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Today-----Actress Honor Blackman is 89, Author Annie Prouix is 79, Baseball player Carl Yastrzemski is 75, Actress Valerie Harper is 75, Journalist Steve Kroft is 69, Writer-producer David Chase is 69 and Actress Cindy Williams is 67.

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August 22nd is:  Be An Angel Day, Hug Your Boss Day, International Tongue Twister Day, Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day, Take Your Cat To the Vet Day and (World) daffodil Day.

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Quip for the day........Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------smart.....

A man dies and goes to meet God.  He asks God, "What is the difference between Heaven and Hell?"  God takes him to a door and opens it.  The man sees a table with a large pot of stew which smells wonderful and a bunch of people sitting at the table who looked skinny and scraggly.  Each person has a long handled spoon.

God then takes the man to another door and opens it.  Inside is a table with the same pot of stew which smells wonderful.  There are a bunch of people sitting around the table with long handled spoons.  However, these people are robust and healthy.  Each one has a long handled spoon.

The man says, "I don't understand.  What is the difference?"

God says, "In the first room, those people could reach the pot with the long handled spoons, but couldn't get the spoons to their mouths because of the length of the spoon.  That's Hell.  In the second room, those people could also reach the pot, but they learned to feed each other.  That's Heaven."

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Today is Saturday, August 23, the 235th day of the year.  There are 130 days left in the year.

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In 1784, four counties in western North Carolina declared their independence as the state of Franklin. 

In 1814, First Lady Dolly Madison saved a portrait of George Washington from being looted by British troops during the War of 1812.

In 1902, pioneering cookbook author Fannie Farmer, who changed the way Americans prepare food by advocating the use of standardized measurements in recipes, opened Miss Farmer's School of Cookery in Boston.

In 1926, silent film star Rudolph Valentino died in New York at age 31.

In 1989, as punishment for betting on baseball, Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose accepted a settlement that included a life time ban from the game.

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Today----Actress Vera Miles is 84, Actress Barbara Eden is 83, Comedian Mark Russell is 82, Football player Sonny Jurgensen  is 80, Actress Shelley Long is 65, Actor-singer Rick Springfield is 65 and Actor-producer Mark Hudson is 63.

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August 23rd is:  Day For The Remembrance Of The Slave Trade And Its Abolition and Valentino Day.

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Quip for the day......Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah....

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.

"Oh yes" he said. "They 're my friends."

"In that case," warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"

"Yes, sir" the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

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Today is Sunday, August 24, the 236th day of the year.  There are 129 days left in the year.

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In 1814, during the War of 1812, British forces invaded Washington, D.C., setting fire to the Capitol and the White House, as well as other public buildings.

In 1912, Congress passed a measure creating the Alaska Territory.

In 1954, Congress passed the Communist Control Act in response to the growing anticommunist hysteria in the United States.

In 1981, Mark David Chapman was sentenced to 20 years to life in prison for the murder of John Lennon.

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Today-----Actor Kenny Baker is 80, Composer-musician Mason Williams is 76, Actress Anne Archer is 67, Author Paulo Coelho is 67, Astronaut Anna Lee Fisher is 65 and Author Orson Scott Card is 63.

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August 24th is:  Go Topless Day, Knife Day, Pluto Demoted Day, Vesuvius Day, Wayzgoose Day, William Wilberforce Day and National Waffle Iron Day.

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Quip for the day......You are not drunk as long as you can hold on to a single blade of grass and not fall off the Earth.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----it was funny the first time, too....

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!"

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Today is Monday, August 25, the 237th day of the year.  There are 128 days left in the year.

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In 1718, French colonists arrived in Louisiana, with some settling in present-day New Orleans.

In 1916, the National Park Service was established.

In 1939, The Wizard Of Oz opened in theaters around the United States.

In 1944, during World War II, Allied forces liberated Paris after four years of Nazi occupation.

In 1985, New York Mets pitcher Dwight Gooden became the youngest 20-game winner in Major League history.

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Today------Game show host Monty Hall is 93, Actor Sean Connery is 84, TV personality Regis Philbin is 83, Actor Tom Skerritt is 81, Actor David Canary is 76, Baseball player Rollie Fingers is 68, Rock singer-actor Gene Simmons (KISS) is 65, Singer Rob Halford (Judas Priest) is 63 and Singer Elvis Costello is 60.

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August 25th is:  Founders Day, Kiss And Make Up Day, National Second-hand Wardrobe Day and National Whiskey Sour Day.

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Quip for the day.......You must speak up to be heard, but sometimes you must shut up to be appreciated.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------remember these?......

I came across this phrase in a book yesterday,  "FENDER SKIRTS". That's a term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice. Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly person over 60 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day – "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss – "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought – Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

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Today is Tuesday, August 26, the 238th day of the year.  There are 127 days left in the year.

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In 1920, the 19th Amendment, guaranteeing women the right to vote, was formally adopted into the U.S. Constitution.

In 1939, thee first televised Major League Baseball game was broadcast on station W2XBS, the station that became WNBC-TV.

In 1948, the temperature hit 108 degrees Fahrenheit in New York City during a week-long heat wave that killed at least 33 people.

In 1968, at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago, thousands of antiwar demonstrators took to Chicago's streets to protest the Vietnam War.

In 1974, Charles Lindbergh - the first man to fly nonstop across the Atlantic - died at his home in Hawaii at age 72.

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Today----Basketball player Tom Heinsohn is 80, Actress Francine York is 78, Drummer Jet Black (The Stranglers) is 76 and Songwriter Valerie Simpson is 68.

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August 26th is:  National Dog Day and Women's Equality Day.

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Quip for the day.....My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I bought a case of beer.

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Larryj

[W. Gray]

To add a small item:

In the fifties everyone had wall paper on their walls. People wanted to have painted walls but it was too expensive.

Today, everyone has painted walls because wall paper is too expensive.

[larryJ]

Today's------oh no.......

The barn at John and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.

Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

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Today is Wednesday, August 27, the 239th day of the year.  There are 126 days left in the year.

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In 1953, Roman Holiday, featuring Audrey Hepburn in her first starring role, premiered in New York City.

In 1962, the United States launched the Mariner 2 space probe, which flew past Venus in December 1962.

In 1964, the Walt Disney movie musical fantasy "Mary Poppins," starring Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke, premiered at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood.

In 1967, Brian Epstein, manager of the Beatles, was found dead of an accidental overdose in his Sussex, England, home.

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Today---Actor Tommy Sands is 77, Singer Daryl Dragon (The Captain and Tennille) is 72, Actress Tuesday Weld is 71, Actor G.W. Bailey is 70, Actress Marianne Sagebrecht is 69, Actress Barbara Bach is 67, Actor Paul Reubens is 62, Actor Peter Stormare is 61 and Guitarist Alex Lifeson (Rush) is 61.

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August 27th is:  The Duchess Who Wasn't Day and Tug-Of-War Day.

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Quip for the day.......Most accidents occur at home.  I use this as an excuse to stay out late.

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(note: as to W. Gray's comment on wallpaper...when we first moved into this house my wife wanted wallpaper everywhere.  My now ex-brother-in-law was an expert at this and taught me how to do it.  I papered many rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms, many times before she decided that she would prefer painted walls.  The only paper that exists now is in the kitchen and it is a six inch strip featuring apples around the top of the walls.)

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------funny......

There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbor had the particular horse breed he needed. So, he constantly bothered his neighbor until he sold it to him.

A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said, "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down."

Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said, "Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!"

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said, "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three..."

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said, "Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses."

After they left, the pig approached the horse and said, "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!"

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting, "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. This deserves a party. Let's barbeque the pig!"

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Today is Thursday, August 28, the 240th day of the year.  There are 125 days left in the year.

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In 1955, Emmett Till, a black teenager from Chicago, was abducted from his uncle's home in Money, Mississippi, by two white men after he had supposedly whistled at a white woman; he was found brutally slain three days later.

In 1963, more than 200,000 people listened as the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his "I Have A Dream" speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.

In 1990, an F-5 tornado struck the Chicago area, killing 29 people.

in 1996, after four years of separation, Charles, Prince of Wales and heir to the throne, and his wife, Diana, were formally divorced.

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Today----Actor Sonny Shroyer is 79, Actor Ken Jenkins is 74, Actor David Soul is 71 and Singer Hugh Cornwell is 65.

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August 28th is:  Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day, Radio Commercials Day and Crackers Over The Keyboard Day.

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Quip for the day...Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

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Today is Friday, August 29, the 241st day of the year.  There are 124 days left in the year.

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In 1814, during the War of 1812, Alexandria, Virginia, formally surrendered to British military forces which occupied the city until September 3.

In 1944, 15,000 American troops of the 28th Infantry Division marched down the Champs Elysees in Paris as the French capital continued to celebrate its liberation from the Nazis.

In 1982, Swedish-born and three-time Academy Award winner Ingrid Bergman died of cancer in London on her 67th birthday.

In 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast near Buras, Louisiana, bringing floods that devastated New Orleans.  More than 1,800 people in the region died.

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Today----Director William Friedkin is 79, Actor Elliot Gould is 76, Movie director Joel Schumacher is 75 and  TV personality Robin Leach is 73.

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August 29th is:  According To Hoyle Day, National College Colors Day, Individual Rights Day, International Bat Night (29-31), International Day Against Nuclear Tests, More Herbs, Less Salt Day and National Sarcoidosis Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.....It is easier to take something apart than to put it back together.

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Larryj