another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----it's Sunday.....

A mother took her little boy to church.  While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."

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Today is Sunday, July 13, the 194th day of the year.  There are 171 days left in the year.

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In 1836, the first U.S. patent - for locomotive wheels - was registered.

In 1923, the Hollywood sign is officially dedicated in Los Angeles.

In 1939, Frank Sinatra made his recording debut.

In 1951, rivers across eastern Kansas crested well above flood stage, causing the greatest destruction from flooding in the Midwestern U.S. at that time.

In 1960, in Los Angeles, Sen. John F. Kennedy was nominated for the presidency by the Democratic party convention.

In 1985, "Live Aid" concert raised $70 million for African famine relief.

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Today-------Actor Patrick Stewart is 74, Actor Robert Forster is 73, Actor Harrison Ford is 72, Guitarist Roger McGuinn (The Byrds) is 72. Comedian Cheech Marin is 68, Actress Daphne Reid is 66, Astronaut George Nelson is 64, Actress Didi Conn is 63, Actor Gil Birmingham is 61, Basketball player David Thompson is 60, and Country singer Louise Mandrell is 60.

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July 13th is:  Anne Hutchinson Day, Embrace Your Geekness Day, Gruntled Workers Day and National French Fries Day.

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Quip for the day.........Remember to be very quiet in church......people are sleeping.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----groaner.......

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

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Today is Monday, July 14, the 195th day of the year.  There are 170 days left in the year.

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In 1881, outlaw William H. Bonney Jr., alias "Billy the Kid," was shot and killed by Sheriff Pat Garrett in Fort Sumner in present-day New Mexico.

In 1882, John Ringo, the famous gun-toting gentleman, was found dead in Turkey Creek Canyon in Arizona.

In 1968, Atlanta Braves slugger Henry "Hank" Aaron hit his 500th home run of his career.

In 2003, Hurricane Claudette gathered strength over the Gulf of Mexico and headed for the Texas coast, making landfall the next day.

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Today-----Actor Harry Dean Stanton is 88, Actress Polly Bergen is 84, Football player Roosevelt Grier is 82, Actor Sid Haig is 75, Actor Vincent Pastore is 68 and Former music company executive Tommy Mottola is 65.

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July 14th is:  International Nude Day, International Town Criers Day and Shark Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day........The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----this is one of my all time favorites....

A Loan for Kermit

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
 

(You're going to love this)
 

(A masterpiece)


(Wait for it)








The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?) Come on  now,  you grinned, I know you did!!

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Today is Tuesday, July 15, the 196th day of the year.  There are 169 days left in the year.

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In 1806, Zebulon Pike and his men left Missouri and traveled through present-day Kansas and Nebraska before reaching Colorado where he spotted the mountain named in his honor.

In 1903, the newly formed Ford Motor Company took its first order from Chicago dentist Ernst Pfenning:      A $850 two-cylinder Model A with a tonneau (backseat).

In 1964, Sen. Barry M. Goldwater of Arizona was nominated for president by the Republican national convention.

In 1979, President Jimmy Carter delivered his "malaise" speech in which he lamented what he called a "crisis of confidence" in America.

In 2010, after 85 days, BP stopped the flow of oil from a blown-out well in the Gulf of Mexico.

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Today----Author Clive Cussler is 83, Actor Michael Wayne is 75, Actor Jan Michael Vincent is 70, Singer Millie Jackson is 70, Singer Linda Ronstadt is 68, Wrestler Jesse Ventura is 63 and Actor Terry O'Quinn is 62.

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July 15th is:  Be A Dork Day, Gummi Worm Day, National Pet Fire Safety Day and Saint Swithin's Day.

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Quip for the day.......The trouble with life is that it is a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----blonde joke day.....

Three women (a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette) are lost in the forest while hunting. They each have a shotgun with 2 bullets. They make a fire.

Then the redhead gets up and goes hunting. She comes back with 2 rabbits. The other two say, "Wow, where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw rabbits. Rabbits ran. I shot. Rabbits stopped."

Then the brunette leaves and comes back with a deer. The other two say, "Wow, Where did you get that?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw deer. Deer ran. I shot. Deer stopped."

The blonde leaves and comes crawling back, all bloodied and black and blue. They others say, "Wow, what happened to you?" She says, "I found tracks. I followed tracks. I saw train. Train ran. I shot. Train didn't stop."

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Today is Wednesday, July 16, the 197th day of the year.  There are 168 days left in the year.

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In 1790, a site along the Potomac River was designated the permanent seat of the United States government; the area became known as Washington, D.C.

In 1935, the world's first parking meter, known as the Park-O-Meter, was installed on the southeast corner of what was then First Street and Robinson Avenue in Oklahoma City.

In 1945, the Manhattan Project came to an explosive end as the first atomic bomb was successfully tested near Alamogordo, New Mexico.

In 1951, the novel "The Catcher In The Rye" by J.D. Salinger was first published by Little, Brown and Co.

In 1999, John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife, Carolyn, and her sister Lauren Bassette, died when their single engine plane, piloted by Kennedy, plunged into the Atlantic Ocean near Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.

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Today-----Model Bess Myerson is 90, Soul singer Denise LaSalle is 80, Soul singer William Bell is 75, Coach Jimmy Johnson is 71, Actor-singer Reuben Blades is 66 and Drummer Stewart Copeland (The Police) is 62.

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July 16th is:  Fresh Spinach Day, International Juggling Day, National Corn Fritters Day, National Hot Dog Day and Atomic Bomb Day.

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Quip for the day...........I say NO to alcohol, but it just doesn't listen.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------yep.....

USEFUL MILITARY WARNINGS....

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop

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Today is Thursday, July 17, the 198th day of the year.  There are 167 days left in the year.

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In 1821, Spain ceded Florida to the United States.

In 1938, aviator Douglas Corrigan took off from New York saying he was headed for California; He ended up in Ireland, supposedly by accident, earning the nickname "Wrong Way Corrigan."

In 1941, New York Yankees center fielder Joe DiMaggio failed to get a hit against the Cleveland Indians which brought his historic 56-game hitting streak to an end.

In 1944, an ammunition ship exploded while being loaded in Port Chicago, California, killing 232 people.

In 1955, Disneyland had its opening day in Anaheim, California.

In 1975, an Apollo spaceship docked with a Soyuz spacecraft in orbit in the first superpower link-up of its kind.

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Today-----Actress Mimi Hines is 81, Actor Donald Sutherland is 79, Actress-singer Diahann Carroll is 79, Comedian Tim Brooke-Taylor is 74, Rock Musician Spencer Davis (The Spencer Davis Group) is 72, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is 67, Rock musician Terry "Geezer" Butler (Black Sabbath) is 65, Actress Lucie Arnaz is 63 and Actor David Hasselhoff is 62.

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July 17th is:  Get To Know Your Customers Day, Wrong Way Corrigan Day and Yellow Pig Day.

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Quip for the day......Our house is child proof........but they still get in.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah.....

The young couple was at a baseball game. About halfway through the game, they noticed a much older couple in the seats below them.

They were being very affectionate. They looked like two teenagers. He had his arm around her most of the time. Every few minutes, one of them was whispering in the other's ear. They also would hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes, or kiss each other. There was also a lot of giggling going on.

The young man said to his girlfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."

She said, "Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play baseball."

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Today is Friday, July 18, the 199th day of the year.  There are 166 days left in the year.

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In 1792, the Revolutionary War naval hero John Paul Jones died in his Paris apartment where he was still waiting a commission as the U.S. Consul to Algiers.

In 1940, President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who first took office in 1933, was nominated for an unprecedented third term.

In 1947. President Harry S. Truman signed a Presidential Succession Act which placed the Speaker of the House and the Senate president pro tempore next in line of succession after the Vice President.

In 1969, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Mass., left a party on Chappaquiddick Island with Mary Jo Kepechne, 28; Kennedy's car went off a bridge into the water.  Kepechne drowned.

In 1999, New York Yankee David Cone pitched the 16th perfect game in major league history and 14th in the modern era with a no-hit, no-walk victory over the Montreal Expos.

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Today----Former Sen. John Glenn, D-Ohio, is 93, Figure skater Dick Button is 85, Movie director Paul Verhoeven is 76, Actor James Brolin is 74, Singer Martha Reeves is 73 and Singer-songwriter Ricky Skaggs is 60.

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July 18th is:  International Nelson Mandela Day, National Caviar Day, Anti-bigot Day, Chrysanthemum Day, Ride A Motorcycle To Work Day and Sidewalk Frying Day.

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Quip for the day........Great minds think like ME!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------grossly funny.......

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his arm to the left every few seconds, accidentally hitting Fred over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves, so he asks "What the heck is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "I got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times. So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "I got this in the war."

Fred moves again.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."

The reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand."

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Today is Saturday, July 19, the 200th day of the year.  There are 165 days left in the year.

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In 1814, Samuel Colt, inventor of the Colt revolver, was born in Hartford, Connecticut.

In 1848, a pioneer woman's rights convention convened in Seneca Falls in New York.

In 1879, Doc Holliday committed his first murder, killing a man for shooting up his New Mexico saloon.

In 1884, President Chester Arthur issued a proclamation that granted him and the federal government the power to quarantine persons entering the U.S. to avoid the spread of "pestilence".  Although "pestilence" was not defined in the document it was meant to avoid tuberculosis.

In 1961, TWA became the first airline to show regular in-flight movies.  First up:  "By Love Possessed" in first-class on a flight from New York to Los Angeles.

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Today----Actress Helen Gallagher is 88, Singer Vicki Carr is 73, Country singer-musician Commander Cody is 70, Tennis player Ilie Nastase is 68 and Rock musician Brian May (Queen) is 67.

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July 19th is:  Celebration Of The Horse Day, Toss Away The "Could Haves" and "Should Haves" Day and Woodie Wagon Day.

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Quip for the day......A real man's shop has only two tools:  WD40 to make it go and duct tape to make it stop.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---one of my old favorites......

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew.

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Today is Sunday, July 20, the 201st day of the year.  There are 164 days left in the year.

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In 1861, the Congress of the Confederate States convened in Richmond, Virginia.

In 1881, five years after Gen. George A. Custer's infamous defeat at the Battle of Little Big Horn, Sioux leader Sitting Bull surrendered to the U.S. Army.

In 1948, President Harry S. Truman instituted a military draft with a proclamation calling for nearly 10 million men to register for military service.

In 1969, astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon after reaching the lunar surface in their Apollo 11 lunar module.

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Today-----Actress-singer Sally Ann Howes is 84, Author Cormac McCarthy is 81, Actress Diana Rigg is 76, Singer Kim Carnes is 69, Guitarist Carlos Santana is 67, Football player James Harris is 67, Actor  Muse Watson is 66 and Producer John Davis is 60.

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Note here:  One of my favorite all time actors James Garner passed away yesterday.

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July 20th is:  Lake Superior Day, Moon Day, Space Exploration Day, National Lollipop Day, National Ice Cream Day and World Jump Day.

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Quip for the day......Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----cute.......

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.  So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.  When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

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Today is Monday, July 21, the 202nd day of the year.  There are 163 days left in the year.

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In 1861, during the Civil War, the first Battle of Bull Run was fought at Manassas, Virginia, resulting in a Confederate victory.

In 1865, in what may be the first true western showdown, Wild Bill Hickok shot Dave Tutt dead in the market square of Springfield, Missouri.

In 1925, the so-called "Monkey Trial" ended in Dayton, Tennessee, with John T. Scopes found guilty of violating state law for teaching Darwin's Theory of Evolution.

In 1959. Elijah Jerry "Pumpsie" Green made his Boston Red Sox debut, becoming the first African-American ever to play for the Red Sox, the last team in the major leagues to integrate.

In 1999, Navy divers found and recovered the bodies of John F. Kennedy Jr., his wife, Carolyn, and sister-in-law Lauren Bessette, in the wreckage of Kennedy's plane in the Atlantic Ocean off Martha's Vineyard.

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Today-------Singer Kay Starr is 92, Movie director Norman Jewison is 88, Former Attorney General Janet Reno is 76, Actor Edward Herrmann is 71, Singer Cat Stevens is 66, Actor Jordan Clarke is 64, Comedian-actor Robin Williams is 63, Singer Jeff Fatt 61 and Guitarist Eric Bazilian (The Hooters) is 61.

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July 21st is:  Global Hug Your Kid Day, Legal Drinking Age Day, National Get Out Off The Doghouse Day and No Pet Store Puppies Day.

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Quip for the day.......Life is short.......smile while you still have teeth.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------another favorite...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

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Today is Tuesday, July 22, the 203rd day of the year.  There are 162 days left in the year.

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In 1587, an English colony fated to vanish under mysterious circumstances was established on Roanoke Island off North Carolina.

In 1916, a bomb went off during a Preparedness Day parade in San Francisco killing 10 people.

In 1923, John Herbert Dillinger joined the Navy in order to avoid charges of auto theft in Indiana.

In 1933, American aviator Wiley Post returned to Floyd Bennet field in New York, having flown solo around the world.  He was the first aviator to accomplish the feat.

In 1934, bank robber John Dillinger was shot to death by federal agents outside Chicago's Biograph Theater.

In 1943, American forces led by Gen. George S. Patton captured Palermo, Sicily, during World War II.

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Today---Former Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, R-Kan., is 91, Actor Orson Bean is 86, Fashion designer Oscar de la Renta is 82, Actress Louise Fletcher is 80, Actor Terrence Stamp is 76, Game show host Alex Trevek is 74, Singer George Clinton is 73, Singer Bobby Sherman is 71, Actor Danny Glover is 68, Actress Erica Gavin is 67, Actor-Director Albert Brooks is 67, Singer Don Henley (The Eagles) is 67, Author S.E. Hinton is 66 and Composer Alan Menken is 65

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July 22nd is:  Casual Pi Day, National Penuche Fudge Day, Rat-catchers Day and Spooners (Spoonerism) Day.

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Quip for the day.........The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.

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Larryj