another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----a little long, but I couldn't resist.......

60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.

50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.

40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.

32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.

20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.

40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.

100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.

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Today is Monday, June 23, the 174th day of the year.  There are 191 days left in the year.

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In 1944, a spate of tornadoes across West Virginia and Pennsylvania killed more than 150 people.

In 1947, the Senate joined the House in overriding President Harry S. Truman's veto of the Taft-Hartley Act, designed to limit the power of organized labor.

In 1969, Warren E. Burger was sworn in as chief justice of the United States by the man he was succeeding, Earl Warren.

In 1972, President Richard M. Nixon signed Title IX, which barred discrimination of the basis of sex for "any education program or activity receiving federal financial assistance."

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Today----Actor Ted Shackelford is 68, Actor Bryan Brown is 67, Guitarist Myles Goodwyn (April Wine) is 66 and Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas is 66.

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June 23rd is:  Baby Boomers Recognition Day, International Widows Day, Let It Go Day, Pink Flamingo Day, Public Service Day and SAT Math Day.

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Quip for the day..........If you live in a country run by a committee......be on the committee.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah........

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman. "Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house."

"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years too late."

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Today is Tuesday, June 24, the 175th day of the year.  There are 190 days left in the year.

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In 1675, in colonial New England, King Philip's War began when a band of Wampanoag warriors raided the border settlement of Swansee, Massachusetts, and massacred the English colonists there.

In 1864, Colorado Governor John Evans warned that all peaceful Indians in the region must report to the Sand Creek Reservation or risk being attacked, creating the conditions that led to the infamous Sand Creek Massacre.

In 1939, the Southeast Asian country Siam changed its name to Thailand.  (It went back to being Siam in 1945, then became Thailand once again in 1949.)

In 1975, 113 people were killed when an Eastern Airlines Boeing 727 crashed while attempting to land at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport.

In 1993, David Gelernter, a Yale University computer scientist, was seriously injured by a mail bomb sent from the Unabomber, Theodore Kaczynski.

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Today----Actor Al Molinaro is 95, Actress Michelle Lee is 72, Author Kathryn Lasky is 70, Guitarist Jeff Beck (Yardbirds, Jeff Beck Group) is 70, Drummer Mick Fleetwood (Fleetwood Mac) is 67, Actor Peter Weller is 67 and Actress Nancy Allen is 64.

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June 24th is:  Celebration Of The Senses, International Fairy Day and National Columnists Day.

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Quip for the day.......Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny......

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

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Today is Wednesday, June 25, the 176th day of the year.  There are 189 days left in the year.

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In 1788, Virginia ratified the U.S. Constitution.

In 1876, Lt. Col. George A. Custer and his 7th Cavalry were wiped out by Sioux and Cheyenne Indians in the Battle of Little Big Horn.

In 1938, the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938 was enacted.

In 1950, armed forces from North Korea invaded South Korea setting off the Korean War.

In 1956, the last Packard - the classic American luxury car with the famous enigmatic slogan "Ask the man who owns one" - rolled off the production line at Packard's plant in Detroit.

In 2009, death claimed Michael Jackson, the "King of Pop," in Los Angeles at age 50.  And, Farrah Fawcett in Santa Monica, California, at age 62.

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Today-----Actress June Lockhart is 89, Author Eric Carle is 85, Actress Barbara Montgomery is 75, Former Basketball player Willis Reed is 72, Actor Jimmy Walker is 67, Actor Kene Holliday is 65 and Sportscaster Phyllis George is 65.

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June 25th is:  Color TV Day (CBS), Day Of The Seafarer, Global Beatles Day and National Catfish Day.

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Quip for the day.....If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----blond guy joke day.......

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sasparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"

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Today is Thursday, June 26, the 177th day of the year.  There are 188 days left in the year.

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In 1870, the first section of Atlantic City, New Jersey's Boardwalk was opened to the public.

In 1925, Charlie Chaplin's classic comedy "The Gold Rush" premiered at Grauman's Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood.

In 1945, the charter of the United Nations was signed by 50 countries in San Francisco.

In 1948, U.S. and British pilots began delivering food and supplies by airplane to Berlin after the city was isolated by a Soviet Union blockade.

In 1956, the U.S. Congress approved the Federal Highway Act which allocated more than $30 Billion for the construction of some 41,000 miles of interstate highways.

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy visited West Berlin, where he delivered his famous speech expressing solidarity.

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Today----Jazz musician-film composer Dave Grusin is 80, Singer Billy Davis Jr. (The 5th Dimension) is 76, Singer Gilberto Gil is 72 and Actor Robert Davi is 61.

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June 26th is:  International Day Against Drug Abuse And Illicit Trafficking, International Day In Support Of Victims Of Torture, National Canoe Day and National Handshake Day.

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Quip for the day......Dare to be average.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----good one.......

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he'd just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.

As he finished his feel, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!

So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, "This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one."

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Today is Friday, June 27, the 178th day of the year.  There are 187 days left in the year.

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In 1844, Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon religion, was murdered along with his brother Hyrum when an anti-Mormon mob broke into a jail where they were being held in Carthage, Illinois.

In 1846, New York and Boston were linked by telegraph wires.

In 1950, the U.N. Security Council passed a resolution calling on member nations to help South Korea repel an invasion from the North.

In 1950, President Harry S. Truman announced he was ordering U.S. Air and Naval forces to South Korea.

In 1974, President Richard M. Nixon opened an official visit to the Soviet Union.

In 1985, after 59 years, the iconic Route 66 entered the realm of history when the American Association of State Highway and Transportation Officials decertified the road and voted to remove all its highway signs.

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Today-------Business executive Ross Perot is 84, Voice actress Kathryn Beaumont is 76, Singer-musician Bruce Johnston (The Beach Boys) is 72, Fashion designer Vera Wang is 65 and Actress Julia Duffy is 63.

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June 27th is:  Decide To Be Married Day, "Happy Birthday To You" Day, Industrial Workers Of The World Day, National HIV Testing Day, National Bomb Pop Day and PTSD Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.........You are old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you are down there.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----remember this one?.......

A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot hole in the wooden fence, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

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Today is Saturday, June 28, the 179th day of the year.  There are 186 days left in the year.

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In 1914, Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria and his wife, Sophie, were assassinated in Sarajevo by Serb nationalist Gavrilo Princip - the event which sparked World War I.

In 1934, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the National Housing Act, which established the Federal Housing Administration.

In 1953, workers at a Chevrolet plant in Flint, Michigan, assembled the first Corvette, a two-seater sports car.  The first completed production car rolled off the assembly line two days later, one of just 300 made that year.

In 1994, President Bill Clinton became the first chief executive in U.S. history to set up a personal legal defense fund and ask Americans to contribute to it.

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Today-----Comedian-movie director Mel Brooks is 88, Soap opera actress Madeline Duggan is 70, Actor Bruce Davison is 68, Actress Kathy Bates is 66, Screenwriter Duncan Tucker is 61 and Actress Alice Krige is 60.

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June 28th is:  ARRL (American Radio Relay League) Field Days (28-29), Great American Backyard Campout and International Body Piercing Day.

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Quip for the day.......Baseball is easier than golf.  You hit the ball and someone else chases it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oh boy.......

This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.

When he gets there, he asks the manager "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."

The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums stop."

"Why?"

"When drums stop... bass solo begins."

BONUS SUNDAY!  A woman in a movie theater noticed that the man in front of her was sitting next to a large dog.  Throughout the film, the man would lean over and whisper to the dog and the dog would nod in response.

Not only that, but funny scenes elicited from the dog a noise that sounded like laughter.  The dog even whimpered at the sad ending.

The woman leaned forward and said, "Excuse me, sir, but I just can't get over your dog's behavior."

"Frankly, neither can I," the man replied.  "He hated the book."

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Today is Sunday, June 29, the 180th day of the year.  There are 185 days left in the year.

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In 1767, Britain approved the Townshend Revenue Act, imposing import duties on glass, paint, oil, lead, paper and tea shipped to America.  (Colonists bitterly protested, prompting Parliament to repeal the duties, except for tea.)

In 1967, actress Jayne Mansfield was killed instantly when the car she was riding in struck the rear of a trailer truck east of New Orleans, Louisiana.

In 2003, four-time Academy Award winning actress Katharine Hepburn died of natural causes at age 96 at her home in Old Saybrook, Connecticut.

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Today-----Actress Cara Williams is 89, Producer Robert Evans is 84, Author John Bradshaw is 81, Actor Gary Busey is 70, Comedian Richard Lewis is 67, Drummer Ian Paice is 66, Actor Fred Grandy is 66, Singer Don Dokken is 61 and Singer Colin James Hay (Men At Work) is 61.

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June 29th is:  America's Kids Day and Log Cabin Day.

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Quip for the day........Did you know that the word "listen" is an anagram for the word "silent"?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------another blonde joke.....

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?"

"They called back."

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Today is Monday, June 30, the 181st day of the year.  There are 184 days left in the year.

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In 1933, the Screen Actors Guild was established.

In 1936, Margaret Mitchell's Gone With The Wind, one of the best-selling novels of all time and the basis for a blockbuster 1939 movie, was published.

In 1962, Sandy Koufax struck out 13 batters and walked five to lead the Brooklyn Dodgers to victory over the New York Mets, 5-0, with his first career no-hitter.

In 2013, nineteen firefighters were killed battling a wildfire in Yarnell, Arizona, after a change in wind direction pushed the flames back toward their position.

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Today-----Author Thomas Sowell is 84, Actress Lea Massari is 81, Actress Nancy Dussault is 78 and Actor Leonard Whiting is 64.

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June 30th is:  Descendants Day, Please Take My Children To Work Day and NOW (National Organization for Women) Day.

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Quip for the day.......I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country.  Which is like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----yep.......

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else. The small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

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Today is Tuesday, July 1, the 182nd day of the year.  There are 183 days left in the year.

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In 1863, the pivotal three-day Civil War Battle of Gettysburg, resulting in a Union victory, began in Pennsylvania.

In 1887, Clay Allison, eccentric gunfighter and rancher, died in a freak accident when a sudden jolt threw him off a freight wagon and a wheel rolled over his head.

In 1951, Cleveland Indians ace Bob Feller pitched the third no-hit game of his career to lead the Indians over the Detroit Tigers, 2-1.  This made him the first modern era pitcher ever to throw three no-hitters.

In 1963, the U.S. Post Office inaugurated its five-digit ZIP codes.

In 2005, the last Thunderbird, Ford Motor Company's iconic sports car, emerged from a Ford factory in Wixom, Michigan.

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Today----Actress Olivia DeHavilland is 98, Civil rights leader Curtis West Harris is 90, Actress-dancer Leslie Caron is 83, Actor Jamie Farr is 80, Actor David Prowse is 79, Cookie maker Wally Amos is 78, Dancer Twyla Tharp is 73, Actress Genevieve Bujold is 72, Singer Deborah Harry (Blondie) is 69, Actor Daryl Anderson is 63, Actor Trevor Eve is 63, Actor Terrence Mann is 63 and Actor Dan Aykroyd is 62.

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July 1st is:  Canada Day, National GSA Employee Day, Second Half Of The Year Day, U.S. Postage Stamp Day and ZIP code Day.

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Quip for the day......Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.  It's either my Mom or Day, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother,
Ha-Cha-Chu, but I think it's Colin.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---two quickies, one blonde....

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

And....

Two blondes were sitting on a porch in Texas. One says to the other, "Which do you think is farther?  Florida or the moon?"

The other says, "Hellooooooooo!  Can you see Florida?"

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Today is Wednesday, July 2, the 183rd day of the year.  There are 182 days left in the year. (starting the second half of the year.)

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In 1776, the Continental Congress passed a resolution saying that "these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent states."

In 1881, President James A. Garfield, after only four months in office, was shot while walking through a railroad waiting room in Washington, D.C.  He died 80 days later from blood poisoning.

In 1926, the United States Army Air Corps was created.

In 1937, the Lockheed aircraft carrying American aviator Amelia Earhart was reported missing near Howland Island in the Pacific Ocean.

In 1961, Author Ernest Hemingway shot himself to death at his home in Ketchum, Idaho.

In 1964, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed into law a sweeping civil rights bill passed by Congress.

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Today---Race car driver Richard Petty is 77, Actress Polly Dean Holliday is 77, Writer-director-comedian Larry David is 67, Actor Sal Rubinek is 66 and Songwriter Greg Brown is 65.

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July 2nd is:  I Forgot Day, International Chicken Wing Day, Made In The USA Day and World UFO Day.

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Quip for the day.....If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it still funny?

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Larryj