another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----uh oh......

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

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Today is Friday, June 13, the 164th day of the year.  There are 201 days left in the year.

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In 1927, aviation hero Charles Lindberg was honored with a ticker-tape parade in New York City.

In 1942, the first of two four-man Nazi sabotage teams arrived in the United States during World War II.  (The eight were arrested after one of them went to U.S. authorities; six of the saboteurs were executed.)

In 1966, the Supreme Court handed down its decision in Miranda v. Arizona, establishing the principle that all criminal suspects must be advised of their rights before interrogation.

In 1983, the U.S. space probe Pioneer 10, launched in 1972, became the first spacecraft to leave the solar system as it crossed the orbit of Neptune.

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Today-------Actor Bob McGrath is 82, Artist Christo is 79, Actor Malcolm McDowell is 71, Actor Richard Thomas is 63, Actor Stellan Skarsgard is 63 and Actor Tim Allen is 61.

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June 13th is:  Banana Split Days (13-14), Blame Someone Else Day, Poultry Day, Ryan Moran Day and Work@Home Father's Day.

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Quip for the day......The farmer allows people to cross his field for free........but the bull charges.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---quickie..

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

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Today is Saturday, June 14, the 165th day of the year.  There are 200 days left in the year.

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In 1777, during the American Revolution, the Continental Congress adopted a resolution stating that "the flag of the United States be thirteen alternate stripes red and white" and that "the union be thirteen stars, white in a blue field, representing a new Constellation.

In 1846, anticipating the outbreak of war with Mexico, American settlers in California rebelled against the Mexican government and proclaimed the short-lived California Republic.

In 1922, Warren G. Harding became the first president heard on radio, as Baltimore station WEAR broadcast his speech dedicating the Francis Scott Key Memorial.

In 1954, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a measure adding the phrase "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance.

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Today-------Actress Marla Gibbs is 83, Real estate mogul Donald Trump is 68, Actor Will Patton is 60 and the United States Army is 239.

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June 14th is:  Army's Birthday, Dollars Against Diabetes Days (14-15), Family History Day, Flag Day, International Young Eagles Day, Magic Circles Day, Missing Mutts Awareness Day, National Bourbon Day, Pause For The Pledge Day, World Blood Donor Day, World Juggling Day, World Wide Knit In Public Day and the Queen's Official Birthday.

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Quip for the day....If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----groaner.....

A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.

While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the seat.

He grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

Quite shaken now, he immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY?"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."

"The PEANUTS?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, "they're complimentary."

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Today is Sunday, June 15, the 166th day of the year.  There are 199 days left in the year.

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In 1775, the Second Continental Congress voted unanimously to appoint George Washington head of the Continental Army.

In 1776, the Assembly of the Lower Counties of Pennsylvania declared itself independent of British and Pennsylvania authority, thereby creating the state of Delaware.

In 1846, Great Britain and the United States signed the Oregon Treaty setting the 49th Parallel as the official border and giving control of the Oregon Territory to the United States.

In 1944, American forces began their successful invasion of Saipan during World War II.

In 2004, Tim Berners-Lee received the $1.2 million Millennium Technology Prize for creating the World Wide Web.

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Today---Author Brian Jacques is 75, Singer Noddy Holder (Slade) is 68, Former baseball player Dusty Baker is 65, Actor Simon Callow is 65 and Actor Jim Belushi is 60.

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June 15th is:  Family Awareness Day, Father's Day, Global Wind Day, Husband Caregiver Day, Magna Carta Day, Native American Citizenship Day, Nature Photography Day, National Day Of Prayer For Local Law Enforcement Officers, Worldwide Elder Abuse Awareness Day and Worldwide Day Of Giving.

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Quip for the day..........4 wheel drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------it figures....

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

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Today is Monday, June 16, the 167th day of the year.  There are 198 days left in the year.

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In 1858, accepting the Illinois Republican Party's nomination for the U.S. Senate, Abraham Lincoln said the slavery issue had to be resolved, declaring, "A house divided against itself cannot stand."

In 1884, the first roller coaster in America opened at Coney Island, in Brooklyn, New York.  Known as a switchback railway, it traveled approximately six miles per hour and costs a nickel to ride.

In 1903, the Ford Motor Company was incorporated.

In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed into law the Banking Act, which established the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp., and the National Industrial Recovery Act.  The latter act was struck down by the U.S. Supreme Court.

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Today-----Actress Annie Cordie is 86, Actor Bill Cobbs is 80, Author Joyce Carol Oates is 76, Songwriter Lamont Dozier is 73, Singer Eddie Levert (The O'Jays) is 72, Actress Joan Van Ark is 71, Actor Geoff Pierson is 65, Actor Mithun Chakraborty is 64 and Boxer Roberto Duran is 63.

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June 16th is:  Bloomsday, Fudge Day, Ladies Day (Baseball) and Ride To Work Day (Motorcycles).

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Quip for the day........the factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog.  The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----oh no day.......

My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter, Madison, to the home-improvement store.

Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders.

As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair.

Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on yanking away at his mane.

Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison! Stop that!"

"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."

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Today is Tuesday, June 17, the 168th day of the year.  There are 197 days left in the year.

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In 1775, the Revolutionary War Battle of Bunker Hill resulted in a costly victory for the British.

In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York.

In 1928, Amelia Earhart embarked on a flight from Newfoundland to Wales with pilots Wilmer Stultz and Louis Gordon, becoming the first woman passenger.

In 1972, five men were arrested for breaking into the Democratic National Committee offices in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C.

In 1992, President George H.W. Bush and Russian President Boris Yeltsin signed a breakthrough arms-reduction agreement.

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Today------Actor William Lucking is 73, Singer Barry Manilow is 71, Comedian Joe Piscopo is 63 and Actor Mark Linn-Baker is 60.

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June 17th is:  Eat Your Vegetables Day, Stewart's Root Beer Day and World Day To Combat Desertification And Drought.

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Quip for the day....People can be divided into three groups:  Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----oldie but goodie......

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

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Today is Wednesday, June 18, the 169th day of the year.  There are 196 days left in the year.

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In 1778, American forces entered Philadelphia as the British withdrew during the Revolutionary War.

In 1798, President John Adams passed the Naturalization Act, the first of four pieces of controversial legislation known together as the Aliens and Seditions Acts.

In 1812, the War of 1812 began as the U.S. Congress approved, and President James Madison signed, a declaration of war against Britain.

In 1983, astronaut Sally K. Ride, 32, became America's first woman in space.

In 1984, talk radio icon Alan Berg, the self-described "the man you love to hate," was gunned down and killed in the driveway of his home in Denver, Colorado.

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Today------Baseball Hall-of-Famer Lou Brock is 75, Singer Sue Raney is 74, Author Delia Smith is 73, Rock singer-composer-musician Sir Paul McCartney is 72, Actress Linda Thorson is 67, Actress Isabella Rossellini is 62 and Actress Carol Kane is 62.

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June 18th is:  International Sushi Day.

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Quip for the day......If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting a great education!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----old but funny......

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

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Today is Thursday, June 19, the 170th day of the year.  There are 195 days left in the year.

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In 1865, Union troops commanded by Gen. Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston, Texas, with news that the Civil War was over, and that all remaining slaves were free, an event celebrated to this day as "Juneteenth."

In 1905, some 450 people attended the opening of the first Nickelodeon, located in Pittsburg, Pennsylvania.  (The term Nickelodeon came from the price of admission - one nickel - and the Greek word for "theater" - odeon.)

In 1944, during World War II, the two-day battle of the Philippine Sea began, resulting in a decisive victory for the Americans over the Japanese.

In 1953, Julius and Ethel Rosenburg, who were convicted of conspiring to pass atomic secrets to the Soviets, were executed at Sing Sing Prison in New York.

In 1964, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was approved by the U.S. Senate, 73-27, after a lengthy filibuster.

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Today-------Actress Gina Rowlands is 84, Singer Paul Kelly is 74, Nobel peace laureate Aung San Suu Kyl (soochee) is 69, Author Salman Rushdie is 67, Actress Phylicia Rashad is 66, Singer Ann Wilson (Heart) is 64 and Actress Kathleen Turner is 60.

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June 19th is:  Dump The Pump Day, Garfield The Cat Day, Juneteenth, Recess At Work Day, World Sickle Cell Day and World Sauntering Day.

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Quip for the day......The problem with research grants is that if you solve the problem......you're out of a job.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----and another one.....

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road.

Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help and the farmer said Benny could pull his car out.

So he backed Benny up and hitched him to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger!"

Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred.... pull hard!"

Benny just stood there.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Ok, Benny... now pull."

Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer, "I really appreciate that, but why did you call your horse by the wrong name 3 times?"

The farmer said, "Why, old Benny's blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he won't even try."

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Today is Friday, June 20, the 171st day of the year.  There are 194 days left in the year.

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In 1782, Congress approved the Great Seal of the U.S., featuring the bald eagle.

In 1863, West Virginia became the 35th state.

In 1967, boxer Muhammad Ali was convicted in Huston of violating Selective Service laws by refusing to be drafted.  (Ali's conviction was ultimately overturned by the Supreme Court.)

In 1975, the film, Jaws, directed by Steven Spielberg, that made countless viewers afraid to go in the water, was opened in theaters.

In 1994, O.J. Simpson pleaded not guilty in Los Angeles to the killings of his ex-wife, Nicole, and her friend, Ronald Goldman.

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Today-----Actor Martin Landau is 85, Actress Olympia Dukakis is 83, Actor Danny Aiello is 81, Football player Len Dawson is 79, Actor John Mahoney is 74, Singer-songwriter Brian Wilson (The Beach Boys) is 72, Actor John McCook is 70, Singer Anne Murray is 69, Actress Candy Clark is 67, Rhythm-and-blues singer Lionel Ritchie is 65, Actor John Goodman is 62, Astronaut Brian Duffy is 61 and Bassist Michael Anthony is 60.

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June 20th is:  American Eagle Day, National Flip Flop Day, Take Your Dog To Work Day, Ugliest Dog Day, World Productivity Day and World Refugee Day.

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Quip for the day.....it doesn't matter what temperature the room is...it's always room temperature.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----yep......

A Swiss man visiting Dallas, Texas, pulled up to a corner where two men were waiting to cross the street.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.

The two Texans just stared at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Texan turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

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Today is Saturday, June 21, the 172nd day of the year.  There are 193 days left in the year.

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In 1788, the United States Constitution went into effect as New Hampshire became the ninth state to ratify it.

In 1834, Cyrus Hall McCormick received a patent for his reaping machine.

In 1964, Civil rights workers Michael H. Schwerner, Andrew Goodman and James E. Chaney were slain in Philadelphia, Mississippi; their bodies were found buried in an earthen dam six weeks later.  (Seven people were convicted of conspiracy in the case; none served more than six years in prison.)

In 1982, John W. Hinckley Jr., who on March 30, 1981, shot President Ronald Reagan and three others, was found not guilty of attempted murder by reason of insanity.

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Today-------Actor Bernie Kopell is 81, Actor Monte Markham is 79, Actress Mariette Hartley is 74, Singer Ray Davies (Kinks) is 70, Actress Meredith Baxter is 67, Actor Michael Gross is 67, Drummer Joey Kramer (Aerosmith) is 64 and Actress Robyn Douglass is 61.

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June 21st is:  Alzheimer's Awareness Day, Atheists Solidarity Day, Cuckoo Warning Day, Global Orgasm Day, Go Skateboarding Day, National Daylight Appreciation Day, Polar Bear Swim Day (Nome, Alaska), World Handshake Day, World Humanist Day and Summer Solstice (the first day of Summer.)

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Quip for the day.......The days before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----another groaner....

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

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Today is Sunday, June 22, the 173rd day of the year.  There are 192 days left in the year.

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In 1611, English explorer Henry Hudson, his son and several others were set adrift in Hudson Bay by mutineers aboard the Discovery.

In 1870, the United States Department of Justice was created.

In 1937, in Chicago's Comisky Park, Joe Louis won the world heavyweight boxing title when he defeated American Jim Braddock in an eight-round knockout.

In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Servicemen's Readjustment Act of 1944, known as the "GI Bill of Rights."

In 1945, during World War II, the U.S. 10th Army overcame the last major pockets of Japanese resistance on Okinawa Island.

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Today-----Actress Prunella Scales is 82, Singer-actor Kris Kristofferson is 78, Actress Michael Learned is 73, Actor Klaus Maris Brandauer is 71, Producer Peter Asher is 70, Songwriter Todd Rundgren is 66, Actress Meryl Streep is 65, Actor Graham Greene is 62, Singer Cyndi Lauper is 61 and Actor Chris Lemmon is 60.

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June 22nd is:  Global Smurfs Day and Stupid Guy Thing Day.

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Quip for the day......People who think they know everything upset those of us that do.

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Larryj