another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-------uh oh......

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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Today is March 26, the 85th day of the year.  There are 280 days left in the year.

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In 1937, a 6-foot-tall statue of the cartoon character Popeye was unveiled during the Second Annual Spinach Festival in Crystal City, Texas.

In 1953, American medical researcher Dr. Jonas Salk announced he had successfully tested a vaccine against polio.

In 1958, the U.S. Army launched America's third successful satellite, Explorer 3.

In 1982, groundbreaking ceremonies took place in Washington, D.C., for the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.

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Today-----Actor-director Leonard Nimoy is 83, Actor Alan Arkin is 80, Actor James Caan is 74, Author Richard Dawkins is 73, Journalist Bob Woodward is 71, Singer Diana Ross is 70, Actor Johnny Crawford is 68, Rock singer Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) is 66, Actress Vicki Lawrence is 65, Actor Ernest Lee Thomas is 65 and Comedian Martin Short is 64.

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March 26th is:  International Sister Cities Day, Legal Assistants Day, Make Up Your Own Holiday Day, Manatee Appreciation Day, Purple Day and Spinach Day.

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Quip for the day....Do not follow me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me.  Just leave me alone.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.......

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

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Today is Thursday, March 27, the 86th day of the year.  There are 279 days left in the year.

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In 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon sighted present-day Florida for the first time.

In 1884, the first telephone line between Boston and New York was inaugurated.

In 1939, the University of Oregon defeated Ohio State University 46-33 to win the first ever NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.

In 1964, Alaska was hit by a magnitude 9.2 earthquake (the strongest on record in North America) and tsunamis that together claimed about 130 lives.

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Today-----Dance company director Arthur Mitchell is 80, Race car driver Cale Yarborough is 75, Actor Michael York is 72, Actor Art Evans is 72, Magician Gay Blackstone is 68, Director Georgia Lee is 65 and Composer Tony Banks is 64,

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March 27th is:  Celebrate Exchange Day, Quirky Country Music Titles Day and Viagra Day.

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Quip for the day.......I'm proud to say that my wife can still fit into the ear rings she wore in high school.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----a variation on an oldie......

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

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Today is Friday, March 28, the 87th day of the year.  There are 278 days left in the year.

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In 1834, President Andrew Jackson was censured by Congress for refusing to turn over documents.  He was the first president to suffer this formal disapproval from Congress.

In 1898, the Supreme Court ruled that a child born in the United States to Chinese immigrants was a U.S. citizen.

In 1969, Dwight D. Eisenhower, the 34th President of the United States, died in Washington, D.C., at age 78.

In 1979, the most serious nuclear accident in the United States took place at the Three-Mile Island plant near Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, when one of the reactors overheated.

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Today-----Talk show host Michael Parkinson is 79, Movie director Mike Newell is 72, Actress Conchata Ferrell is 71, Actor Ken Howard is 70, Basketball player Rick Barry is 70, Actress Dianne Wiest is 66 and Dancer Karen Kain is 63.

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March 28th is:  Barnum And Bailey Day, Virtual Advocacy Day and Weed Appreciation Day.

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Quip for the day......Old is when you remember the Dead Sea was only sick.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.......

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

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Today is Saturday, March 29, the 88th day of the year.  There are 277 days left in the year.

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In 1638, Swedish colonists settled in what is now Delaware.

In 1882, the Knights of Columbus was chartered in Connecticut.

In 1929, President Herbert Hoover had a phone installed in the Oval Office in the White House.

In 1951, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were convicted in New York of conspiracy to commit espionage.  (They were executed in June 1953.)

In 1973, the last U.S. combat troops left South Vietnam.

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Today-------Author Judith Guest is 78, Actor Terrence Hill is 75, Actor Scott Wilson is 72, Comedian Eric Idle is 71, Composer Vangelis is 71, Singer Terry Jacks is 70, Baseball player Denny McLain is 70, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Walt Frazier is 69, Actor Bud Cort is 66 and Actress Dianne Kay is 60.

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March 29th is:  Earth Hour, Knights of Columbus Founders Day, National Mom And Pop Business Owners Day, Niagara Falls Runs Dry Day and Texas Loves The Children Day.

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Quip for the day.........The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----Old, but funny.........

Four hunters were at a deer camp.  No one wanted to share a room with Bob who snored very loud.  So it was agreed they would take turns.  After the first night, the first guy came down to breakfast all disheveled and bloodshot eyed.  The other two asked what happened.  He said, "Bob snored so loud I couldn't go to sleep so I just sat there and watched him all night."

The second night another went to share the room with Bob.  The next morning he came down to breakfast in the same condition as the first.  The others said, "What happened?"  He said, "Bob was so restless and snored so loudly all he could do was sit there and watch him all night."

The third night the last of the three who was a former Marine took his turn.  This next morning he came down to breakfast all bright eyed and bushytailed.  The others were amazed and asked him what happened.
He said that when he and Bob were settling down for the night he went over to Bob and tucked him in, patted him on the butt and kissed him on the cheek while saying goodnight.

Bob stayed up all night and watched him.

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Today is Sunday, March 30, the 89th day of the year.  the are 276 days left in the year.

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In 1855, in territorial Kansas' first election, some 5,000 so-called "Border Ruffians" invaded the territory from Western Missouri and force the election of a pro-slavery legislature.

In 1867, U.S. Secretary of State William H. Steward reached agreement with Russia to purchase the territory of Alaska for $7.2 million.

In 1870, the 15th Amendment to the Constitution which prohibited denying citizens the right to vote and hold office on the basis of race, was declared in effect

In 1870, Texas was readmitted into the Union.

In 1909, the Queensboro Bridge, linking the New York City boroughs of Manhattan and Queens, opened.

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest outside a Washington, D.C., hotel by John Hinckley Jr.

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Today---------Game show host Peter Marshall is 88, Actor Richard Dysart is 85, Singer Rolf Harris is 84, Actor John Astin is 84, Actor-director Warren Beatty is 77, Singer Astrud Gilberto is 74, Basketball player Jerry Lucas is 74, Rock musician Graeme Edge (The Moody Blues) is 73, Rock musician Eric Clapton is 69, Pianist Marilyn Crispell is 67 and TV actor Robbie Coltrane is 64.

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March 30th is:  Doctors Day, Grass Is Always Browner On The Other Side Of The Fence Day, I Am In Control Day, Mothering Sunday, Pencil Day and Torrents Day.

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Quip for the day.........There was this man who muttered a few words in church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------ouch.....

An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for "additional information." In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put "poor planning" as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope...

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Today is Monday, March 31, the 90th day of the year.  There are 275 days left in the year.

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In 1933, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Emergency Conservation Work Act, which created the Civilian Conservation Corps.

In 1943, "Oklahoma!" premiered on Broadway.

In 1973, the Mississippi River reached a peak level in St. Louis during a record 77-day flood.

In 2004, four American civilian contractors were killed in Fallujah, Iraq.

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Today--------Actor William Daniels is 87, Hockey player Gordie Howe is 86, Actor Richard Chamberlain is 80, Actress Shirley Jones is 80, Actor Christopher Walken is 71, Actor Gabe Kaplan is 69, Actress Rhea Perlman is 66 and Actor Ed Marinaro is 64.

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March 31st is:  Bunsen Burner Day, Cesar Chavez Day, National "She's Funny That Way" Day and Terri's Day.

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Quip for the day....A dog has an owner.  A cat has a staff.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----blonde joke day........

A gorgeous Australian blonde and a guy are sitting next to each other in a bar. Both of them are watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you a kiss he'll jump," said the guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the blonde.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The hot blonde leans over to kiss the guy.

"I can't kiss you," said the first guy abruptly. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No Worries," said the blonde. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

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Today Is Tuesday, April 1, the 91st day of the year.  There are 274 days left in the year.

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In 1700, English pranksters began popularizing the annual tradition of April Fools Day.

In 1789, The U.S. House of Representatives held its first full meeting in New York; Frederick Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was elected the first House speaker.

In 1853, Cincinnati, Ohio, established a fire department made up of paid city employees.

In 1912, the city of Branson, Missouri, was incorporated.

In 1963, the ABC Television Network aired the premier episode of General Hospital.  On the same day NBC Television Network debuted The Doctors.

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Today-----Actress Jane Powell is 85, Actress Grace Lee Whitney is 84, Actress Debby Reynolds is 82, Actress Ali MacGraw is 75, Rhythm and Blues singer Rudolph Isley is 75, Singer Jimmy Cliff is 66, Actress Annette O'Toole is 62 and Movie director Barry Sonnenfeld is 61.

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April 1st is:  April Fools or All Fools Day, Atheist Day, Boomer Bonus Days, International Tatting Day, Library Snap Shot Day, Myles Day, National Fun Day, National Fun At Work Day, Poetry And The Creative Mind Day, Reading Is Funny Day, St. Stupid Day and U.S. Air Force Academy Day.

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Quip for the day.....April 1----this is the day when we are reminded of what we are the other 364 days.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------a very long and busy day........

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself right off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"
   
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

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Today is Wednesday, April 2, the 92nd day of the year.  There are 273 days left in the year.

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In 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon and his expedition landed in present-day Florida.

In 1902, Esther Morris, the first woman judge in American history, died in Cheyenne, Wyoming.

In 1917, Jeannette Rankin, the first woman ever elected to Congress, took her seat in the U.S. Capitol as a representative from Montana.

In 1917, President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany, saying, "The world must be made safe for democracy."  (Congress declared war four days later.)

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Today----Baseball player Billy Pierce is 87, Actress Rita Gam is 87, Actress Sharon Acker is 79, Actress Penelope Keith is 74, Singer Leon Russell is 72, Actress Linda Hunt is 69, Baseball player Don Sutton is 69, Singer Emmylou Harris is 67, Actress Pamela Reed is 65 and Director Donald Petrie is 60.

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April 2nd is:  International Children's Book Day, National Day Of Hope, National Ferret Day, Paraprofessional Appreciation Day, National Love Your Produce Manager Day, National Peanut Butter And Jelly Day, National Walking Day, Reconciliation Day, National Sexual Assault Awareness Month's Day Of Action, Whole Grain Sampling Day and World Autism Day.

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Quip for the day........In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah......

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."

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Today is Thursday, April 3, the 93rd day of the year.  There are 272 days left in the year.

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In 1860, the legendary Pony Express began.

In 1882, Outlaw Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, Missouri.

In 1948, "The Louisiana Hayride" radio program premiered on KWKH-AM in Shreveport, Louisiana.

In 1948, President Harry S. Truman signed the Marshall Plan, designed to help European allies rebuild after World War II and resist communism.

In 1968, the day before he was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his famous "mountaintop" speech.

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Today-----Singer Doris Day is 90, Actor Jan Merlin is 89, Conservationist Dame Jane Goodall is 80, Actor Eric Braedon is 73, Actress Marsha Mason is 72, Singer Wayne Newton is 72 and Singer Tony Orlando is 70.

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April 3rd is:  Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day, Find A Rainbow Day, Pony Express Day, Tweed Day, Weed Out Hate:  Sow The Seeds Of Greatness Day and World Party Day.

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Quip for the day.....Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----yep......

A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.

He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant.

After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive.

The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?"

The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million damn pigeons!"

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Today is Friday, April 4, the 94th day of the year.  There are 271 days left in the year.

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In 1818, Congress decided the flag of the United States would consist of 13 red and white stripes and 20 stars, with a new star to be added for every new state of the Union.

In 1841, 31 days after assuming office, William Henry Harrison, the ninth president of the United States, died from pneumonia at the White House.

In 1850, the city of Los Angeles was incorporated.

In 1949, the United States and 11 other nations established the North Atlantic Treaty Organization.

In 1968, civil rights leader Martin Luther King Jr., 39, was shot and killed on a balcony of the Lorraine Motel in Memphis, Tennessee.  (James Earl Ray later pleaded guilty to assassinating King, then spent the rest of his life claiming he'd been the victim of a setup.)

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Today-----Actress Elizabeth Wilson is 93, Actress Estelle Harris is 86, Author-Poet Maya Angelou is 86, Recording executive Clive Davis is 82, Author Kitty Kelly is 72, Actor Craig T. Nelson is 70, Actor Walter Charles is 69, Actress Christine Lahti is 64 and Football player John Hannah is 63.

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April 4th is: Hospital Admitting Clerks Day, International Day For Mine Awareness And Assistance In Mine Action, National D.A.R.E Day, National Walk To Work Day, Square Foot Day, Victims Of Violence Wholly Day, Vitamin C Day and World Rat Day.

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Quip for the day.......Time flies........whether you are having fun or not.

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Larryj