another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------funny.......

IT'S A REDNECK'S COMPUTER IF........

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.

And the number #1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is....

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".....

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Today is Wednesday, February 19, the 50th day of the year.  There are 315 days left in the year.

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In 1847, the first rescuers reached the Donner Party stranded by snow in the Sierra Nevada Mountains.

In 1878, Thomas Alva Edison received a patent for a device which recorded and played black.

In 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed Executive Order 9066, clearing the way for the U.S. military  to intern Japanese-Americans during World War II.

In 1976, calling the issuing of Executive Order 9066 "a sad day in American history," President Gerald R. Ford issued a proclamation confirming that the order had been terminated with the cessation of hostilities of World War II.

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Today---Singer Smokey Robinson is 74, Singer-songwriter Lou Christie is 71, Guitarist Tony Iommi (Black Sabbath) is 66, Actor Scott Paulin is 64 and Author Amy Tan is 62.

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February 19th is:  Chocolate Mint Day, Iwo Jima Day, International Tug-of-War Day and Single Tasking Day.

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Quip for the day..........The trouble with being punctual is that there is nobody there to appreciate it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------good one.....

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

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Today is Thursday, February 20, the 51st day of the year.  There are 314 days left in the year.

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In 1792, President George Washington signed an act creating the U.S. Post Office.

In 1933. Congress proposed the 21st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution to repeal Prohibition.

In 1962, Astronaut John Glenn became the first American to orbit Earth.

In 1976, after 22 years, the Southeast Asia Treaty Organization (SEATO) concluded its final military exercise and shut down.

In 1998, U.S. figure skater Tara Lipinski became the youngest gold medalist in her sport at Nagano, Japan.

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Today-----Gloria Vanderbilt is 90, Actor Sidney Poitier is 87, Racing Hall-of-Famer Bobby Unser is 80, Jazz-soul singer Nancy Wilson is 77, Singer Buffy Sainte-Marie is 73, Former hockey player Phil Exposito is 72, Director Mike Leigh is 71, Actress Sandy Duncan is 68, Actor Peter Strauss is 67, Actress Jennifer O'Neil is 66, Ivana Trump is 65, Guitarist Poison Ivy (The Cramps) is 61 and Actor Anthony Head is 60.

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February 20th is:  Introduce A Girl To Engineering Day, Love Your Pet Day, Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day, The Great American Spit Out and World Day For Social Justice.

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Quip for the day.......Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------ouch........

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pigpen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the following week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Fred," she suggested. "Let's slaughter a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Hazel," he finally answered, "I don't see why a pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

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Today is Friday, February 21, the 52nd day of the year.  There are 313 days left in the year.

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In 1862, Nathaniel Gordon became the first and only American slave-trader to be executed under the U.S. Piracy Law of 1820 as he was hanged in New York.

In 1885, the Washington Monument was dedicated.

In 1925, the New Yorker Magazine made its debut.

In 1945, during the World War II Battle of Iwo Jima. the escort carrier USS Bismarck Sea was sunk by Kamikazes with the loss of 318 men.

In 1948, the National Association for Stock Car Racing  (NASCAR) was officially incorporated.

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Today-------Film/music company executive David Geffen is 71, Actor Alan Rickman is 68, Actress Tyne Daly is 68, Actor Anthony Daniels is 68, Tricia Nixon Cox is 68 and TV actor William Petersen is 61.

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February 21st is:  International Mother Language Day.

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Quip for the day.....Some people think I am special.......I prefer to think of myself as a "limited edition."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------this is too good not to share.....

The Naming of Jesus

A group of biblical scholars were involved in a heated discussion about how Jesus of Nazareth was named. How did he become known as the Messiah, or Christ.

One of the scholars argued that the name was a Greek corruption of Aramaic, and purists and fundamentalists ought to use the name Joshua. Another argued that Joshua was Hebrew, not Aramaic, to which a third argued that Hebrew should be used because Jesus was said to be the King of the Jews.

The debate went on and on and became more and more sophisticated and obtuse. Finally, an old man known for his wisdom intervened. He informed the group that he knew how Jesus was named.

When Jesus was born, a star shown in the sky, and three wise men from the East travelled to Bethlehem. They had travelled for days, suffered great deprivation, and when they finally got to Bethlehem got
lost trying to find the manger. Finally, after much ado, and in rather foul moods, they reached the manger and entered the stall. As one of them came through the door, he tripped on the door sill, and fell into the wall hitting his head.

"Jesus Christ!" he screamed, and that is how the baby was named.

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Today is Saturday, February 22, the 53rd day of the year.  There are 312 days left in the year.

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In 1819, then Secretary of State John Quincy Adams signed the Florida Purchase Agreement in which Spain agreed to cede the remainder of its old province in Florida to the U.S.

In 1865, Tennessee adopted a new constitution which included abolition of slavery.

In 1924, President Calvin Coolidge delivered the first radio broadcast from the White House as he addressed the country over 42 stations.

In 1959, the inaugural Daytona 500 race was held.

In 1980, the "Miracle on Ice" took place in Lake Placid, New York, as the U.S. Olympic hockey team upset the Soviet team. 4-3.

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Today----Announcer Don Pardo is 96, Game show host Bruce Forsyth is 86, Actor James Hong is 85, Race car driver Niki Lauda is 65, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Julius Erving is 64, Actress Julie Walters is 64, Actress Ellen Greene is 63, TV actor Nigel Planer is 61 and Race car driver Chuck Brown is 60.

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February 22nd is:  International Sword Swallowers Day, International Tongue Twister Day, National Margarita Day, Open That Bottle Night, Woolworth's Day, World Thinking Day, Tex Avery Day and George Washington's Birthday.

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Quip for the day........No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah..........

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
   
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
   
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

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Today is Sunday, February 23, the 54th day of the year.  There are 311 days left in the year.

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In 1836, the siege of the Alamo began in San Antonio, Texas.

In 1903, President Theodore Roosevelt signed an agreement with Cuba to lease the area around Guantanamo Bay to the United States.

In 1945, the U.S. Marines captured Mt. Suribachi on Iwo Jima.

In 1954, the first mass inoculation of schoolchildren against polio using the Salk vaccine began in Pittsburg as some 5,000 students were vaccinated.

In 1980, speed skater Eric Heiden won the 10,000-meter race at the Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, New York, setting a world record for his time and winning a fifth gold medal.

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Today-----Actor Peter Fonda is 74, Pro and College Football Hall-of-Famer Fred Biletnikoff is 71, Author John Sandford is 70, Guitarist Johnny Winters is 70, Football player Ed "Too Tall" Jones is 63, Actress Patricia Richardson is 63, Director Marshall Herckovitz is 62 and Guitarist Brad Whitford (Aerosmith) is 62.

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February 23rd is:  Curling Is Cool Day, Diesel Engine Day, Iwo Jima Day, Daytona 500 and National Dog Biscuit Day.

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Quip for the day.......I'm busier than a one-toothed man at a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

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Larryj
   

[larryJ]

Today's-------a different take on an old joke....

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

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Today is Monday, February 24, the 55th day of the year.  There are 310 days left in the year.

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In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII issued an edict outlining his calendar reforms.  The Gregorian calendar is the calendar in general use today.

In 1803, in its Marbury v. Madison decision, the Supreme Court established judicial review of the constitutionality of statutes.

In 1868, the U.S. House of Representatives impeached President Andrew Johnson following his attempted dismissal of Secretary of War Edwin M. Stanton.  Johnson was later acquitted by the Senate.

In 1991, after six weeks of intensive bombing against Iraq, U.S.-led ground forces launched an invasion of Kuwait and Iraq.

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Today------Actor Abe Vigoda is 03, Actor Stephen Hill is 92, Actress Emmanuelle Riva is 87, Soccer player Denis Law is 74, Actor Barry Bostwick is 69, Actor Edward James Olmos is 67, Actor Dennis Waterman is 66, Rock musician  George Thorogood is 64 and Actress Debra Jo Rupp is 63.

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February 24th is:  Museum Advocacy Day and World Bartender Day.

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Quip for the day........Gun Control; def; (1) using both hands.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oh no........

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"

"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".

This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..

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Today is Tuesday, February 25, the 56th day of the year.  There are 309 days left in the year.

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In 1836, inventor Samuel Colt patented his revolver.

In 1862, the U.S. Congress passed the Legal Tender Act authorizing the use of paper notes to pay the government's bills.

In 1870, Hiram Rhoades Revels, a Republican from Natchez, Mississippi, became the first African-American to sit in Congress.

In 1964, Muhammad Ali (then known as Cassius Clay) became the world heavyweight boxing champion as he defeated Sonny Liston in Miami Beach.  (The victory was scored as a technical knockout when an injured Liston failed to answer the bell for the seventh round.)

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Today------TV show host Sally Jesse Raphael is 79, Actor Tom Courtenay is 77, CBS newsman Bob Schieffer is 77, TV actress Karen Grassle is 72 and Humorist Jack Handley is 65.

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February 25th is:  Spay Day USA.

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Quip for the day.......Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----too funny......

Two guys are out hunting deer.

The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says,"Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

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Today is Wednesday, February 26, the 57th day of the year.  There are 308 days left in the year.

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In 1904, the U.S. and Panama proclaimed a treaty under which the U.S. agreed to build a ship canal across the Panama Isthmus.

In 1919, the Grand Canyon National Park was established and ten years later, Feb. 26, 1929, the Grand Tetons National Park was established.

In 1993, a bomb exploded in the parking garage beneath the World Trade Center killing six people and injuring 1,000 others.

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Today----Game show host  Tom Kennedy is 87, Singer Fats Domino is 86, Actor Bill Duke is 71, Singer Sandie Shaw is 67, Singer Michael Bolton us 61 and Actress Barbara Niven is 61.

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February 26th is:  National Personal Chef's Day, For Pete's Sake Day, Levi Strauss Day, National Bacon Day, World Pistachio Day and Inconvenience Yourself Day.

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Quip for the day.........A huge and difficult task will be halted near completion by one tiny, previously insignificant detail.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------even funnier....

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says, "We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

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Today is Thursday, February 27, the 58th day of the year.  There are 307 days left in the year.

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In 1801, the District of Columbia was placed under the jurisdiction of Congress.

In 1922, the Supreme Court unanimously upheld the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, which guaranteed the right of women to vote.

In 1951, the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, limiting a president to two terms of office, was ratified.

In 1991, during Operation Desert Storm, President George H.W. Bush declared that "Kuwait is liberated."

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Today------Actress Joanne Woodward is 84, Consumer advocate Ralph Nader is 80, TV actor Van Williams is 80, TV actor Howard Hesseman is 74 and TV actress Debra Monk is 65.

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February 27th is:  International Polar Bear Day, National Chili Day and National Day Of Action (Peace Corps).

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Quip for the day...........I'm old...........there's a nap for that.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Are you getting much needed rain? Too much?