another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------------------------------------------------

After giving a man his annual physical, the doctor said, "You had a great checkup -- but is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," the man replied, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

The doctor said, "Well, that's a big decision.  Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yes, yes I have, and they're in favor of it 15 to 1."

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Patrick Swayze----------------R.I.P.

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In 1949, "The Lone Ranger" premiered on ABC television with Clayton Moore as the masked hero and Jay Silverheels as Tonto.

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Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Here is one from a friend of mine.

Please enjoy and understand the following
>
>
>    1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
>
>    2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
>
>    3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
>
>    4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS
AND APES?
>
>    5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL
THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
>
>    6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
>
>    7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
>
>    8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS
WITH SOAP?
>
>    9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL  HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
>
>    10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
>
>    11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
>
>    12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN
ENDANGERED PLANT?
>
>    13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
>
>    14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
>
>    15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID  SOMEONE
WILL CLEAN THEM?
>
>    16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
>
>
>    17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
>
>    18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?
>
>    19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
>
>    20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD
SIGNS?
>
>    21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
>
>    22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER  PEOPLE.
>
>    23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
>
>    24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
>
>    25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
>
>    26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
>
>    27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
>
>    28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
>
>    29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
>
>    30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
>
>    31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
>
>    32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
>
>    33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?
>
>    34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
`

[larryJ]

This was good, no, great, Judy.  Thanks, I have saved it to show my family.

Today's--------And I am probably gonna hear about this one.

A dietitian was addressing the large audience at a senior center.  "The material," she began, "we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful, vegetables can be dangerous, and none of us realized the germs in our drinking water.  But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we, all of us, eat it."

"Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please................."

The man stood and solemnly declared, "Wedding cake."

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Today-------------Actress Lauren Becall is 85, singer/guitarist B.B. King is 84 and actress Anne Francis is 79

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------------------------------------------a big whoops!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, Officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.  "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, but, officer, I just wanted to say..............."

"And I told you to keep quiet..............you are going to jail."

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding.  He'll be in a good mood when he returns."

"Don't count on it," said the fellow in the cell, "I'm the groom."

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Mary Travers, an icon of the 1960's, much beloved crooner of Puff the Magic Dragon, and songs where you could understand all the words. Dies at 72. Leaves this life, to go onto a new one.  (This is from another blog I follow, nothing in my paper about it yet.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------------------------------this one is for all you teachers.

College students may not always show it on tests, but just how wise they are comes out in other ways.

Consider what happened one day as a linguistics professor was lecturing to his class.  "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.  In some languages though - such as Russian - a double negative is still a negative."

"However," he said emphatically, "there is NO language in which a double positive forms a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

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In 1970, rock star Jimi Hendrix died in London at age 27.

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Today-----------------Frankie Avalon turns 69.

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Larryj

[pamsback]

LOL I like this one

[larryJ]

Today's----------------------Hey!  Wait just a doggone minute!

A man really loved a woman, but was just too shy to propose to her.

Now he was up in his years, as was she, and neither of them had ever been married.  Although they dated about once a week for the past six years, he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less anything else.

But, one day, he became determined to ask her the question.  So he called her on the phone.

"June?"

"Yes, this is June."

"June, will you marry me?"

"Of course I will!  Who's this?"

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Today-------------actor David McCallum (NCIS) turns 76, singer Bill Medley (Rightous Brothers) is 69 and Adam West (Batman) turns 79.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

I just had to reprint this one.

There is some good things about a brush fire as well as the bad.

From the Associated Press.
by Thomas Watkins

Los Angeles------The wild fire that ravaged the Angeles National Forest has burned one plant species that authorities were happy to see go:  marijuana, lots of it.

The fire destroyed an untold number of marijuana plantations in the forest, a growing hub for pot-growing operations in California.

Three marijuana cultivation areas identified just before the fire are believed to have burned and many more are assumed to have been destroyed.

Sheriff's officials don't know how many plants were in the three burned grow areas.  Because marijuana is grown in a hodgepodge style and the plants are concealed by tall brush, it is hard to gauge from helicopters the size of each grove.  Groves can host anywhere from several hundred to several thousand plants.

And, the article goes on about finding groves and arresting people, etc.

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This brings several questions to mind--  Does this mean the price is gonna go up?  How come when I am hiking in the mountains I never see these things?  How will this affect the local economy?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------------------another beautiful Sunday.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi sat discussing the best position for payer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister, "The best results are standing with your hands outstretched to heaven."

"Well, I beg to differ," the rabbi said, "but the best way, and simplest, is with head bowed and eyes closed."

The telephone repairman could not contain himself any longer.  "Hey, fellas,"  he said, "the best praying I ever did was when I was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

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Today-------------------------------Singer Gogi Grant is 85, and Actress Anne Meara is 80. and Actress Sophia Loren is 75.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------------------Smart, just plain smart.

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.  The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.  He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher, "but in six years it would have been worth $900.  So $900 is what I am out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the rancher.  "Here," he said, "is a check for $900....................
it's postdated six years from now.

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Today, Actor Larry Hagman is 78 and Author Steven King is 62.

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94 more shopping days until Christmas!  Stores here already have Christmas decorations and Christmas displays ready to go.  (Wait!  Can't we at least get through Halloween and Thanksgiving, first?

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Larryj