another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------hah.........

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out......

"Watch out for the wall!"

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Today is Monday, February 10, the 41st day of the year.   There are 324 days left in the year.

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In 1763, the Seven Years War, known in America as the French and Indian War, ended with the signing of the Treaty of Paris.

In 1846, the Mormons of Nauvoo, Illinois, began their Westward migration that brought them to the valley of the Great Salt Lake in Utah.

In 1962, the Soviet Union exchanged captured American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers for Rudolf Abel, a Soviet spy held by the United States.

In 1967, the 27th Amendment to the Constitution, dealing with presidential disability and succession, was ratified as Minnesota and Nevada adopted it.

In 2009, U.S. and Russian communication satellites collided in the first-ever crash of its kind in orbit, shooting out a pair of massive debris clouds.

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Today------Cinematographer Douglas Slocombe is 101, Singer Leontyne Price is 87, Actor Robert Wagner is 84, Singer Robert Flack is 77, Musician-drummer Niger Olsson is 65, Olympic Gold-Medal swimmer Mark Spitz is 64 and Walt Disney Co. Chairman and CEO Robert Iger is 63.

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February 10th is:  Plimsoll Day and Westminster Dog Show (10-11).

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Quip for the day......You can complain that roses have thorns or you can rejoice the thorns have roses.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----oldie but goodie.......

John was a salesman's' delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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Today is Tuesday, February 11, the 42nd day of the year.  There are 323 days left in the year.

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In 1861, President-elect Abraham Lincoln left his home in Springfield, Illinois, to travel to Washington, D.C., on a two-car private train.

In 1945, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Josef Stalin signed the Yalta Agreement during World War II.

In 1970, Japan became the world's fourth space  power after successfully launching its first satellite into orbit.

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Today-------Actress Tina Louise is 80, Fashion Designer Mary Quant is 80, Actor Burt Reynolds is 78, Bandleader Sergio Mendes is 73 and Author Joy Williams is 70.

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February 11th is:  Be Electrific Day, Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day, Get Out Your Guitar Day, Make A Friend's Day, Pro Sports Wives Day, National Shut-in Visitation Day, White Shirt or White T-shirt Day, World Day Of The Sick and Extraterrestrial Visitor Day.

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Quip for the day.......Time is always wasted when you are wasted all the time.

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Larryj

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[larryJ]

Today's-------and another oldie, but good one........

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

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Today is Wednesday, February 12, the 43rd day of the year.  There are 322 days left in the year.

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In 1809, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, was born in present-day Larue County, Kentucky.

In 1909, The National Association for the Advancement of Color People was founded.

In 1914, groundbreaking took place for the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C.

In 1924, George Gershwin's "Rhapsody In Blue" was performed for the first time at the Aoelian Hall in New York City.

In 1976, Actor Sal Mineo was stabbed to death in Hollywood, California.

In 1999, the Senate voted to acquit President Bill Clinton of perjury and obstruction of justice.

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Today-------Movie director Franco Zeffirelli is 91, Former baseball player Joe Garagiola is 88, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bill Russell is 80, Author Judy Blume is 76, Actress Maud Adams is 69, Actor Robin Thomas is 65, Singer Steve Hackett (Genesis) is 64, Actor Michael Ironside is 64, Rock singer Michael McDonald is 62 and TV actress Joanna Kerns is 61.

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February 12th is:  Darwin Day, Lincoln's Birthday, NAACP Day, Oglethorpe Day, Paul Bunyan Day and Safety Pup Day.

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Quip for the day..........Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----keep this in mind......

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

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Today is Thursday, February 13, the 44th day of the year.  There are 321 days left in the year.

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In 1861, Abraham Lincoln was officially declared winner of the 1860 presidential election.

In 1861, the earliest military action to be revered with a Medal of Honor was performed by Colonel Bernard Irwin, an assistant Army surgeon serving in the first U.S.-Apache conflict in Southeastern Arizona.

In 1935, a jury found Bruno Richard Hauptmann guilty of first-degree murder in the kidnap-slaying of the son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh.  (He was later executed.)

In 1980, the 13th Winter Olympics opened in Lake Placid, New York.

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Today----U.S. Air Force Maj. Gen. Charles E. "Chuck" Yeager (ret.) is 91, Actress Kim Novak is 81, Actor George Segal is 80, Actress Carol Lynley is 72, Singer Peter Tork (The Monkees) is 72, Actress Stockard Channing is 70, Talk show host Jerry Springer is 70, Singer Peter Gabriel is 64, Actress Ewa Aulin is 64 and Actor David Naughton is 63.

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February 13th is:  Desperation Day, Employee Legal Awareness Day, Get A Different Name Day, International Condom Day, Madly In Love With Me Day and World Radio Day.

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Quip for the day........Just plead the Fifth..........or drink it..........either way.

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Larryj

[upoladeb]

thanks for this post you do,its hilarious

[larryJ]

(upoladeb......I like to start every day with a smile)

Today's-----Happy Valentine's Day........

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag."

"That was very kind of you," Jim added, "I hope she appreciates the thought."

Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

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Today is Friday, February 14, the 45th day of the year.  There are 320 days left in the year.

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In 1778, the American ship Ranger carried the Stars and Stripes to a foreign port for the first time as it arrived in France.

In 1859, Oregon became the 33rd state admitted to the Union.

In 1886, the first trainload of oranges grown in Southern California left Los Angeles on the transcontinental railroad.

In 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capone's gang were gunned down.

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Today--------TV personality Hugh Downs is 93, Actress-singer Florence Henderson is 80, Golfer Mickey Wright is 79, Journalist Carl Bernstein is 70 and Magician Raymond Teller is 66.

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February 14th is:  Ferris Wheel Day, Frederick Douglass Day, Pet Theft Awareness Day, Library Lovers Day, National Have A Heart Day, (World) Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day, League Of Women Voters Day, Race Relations Day, Singles Awareness Day, National Donor Day, Quirky Alone Day, World Marriage Day and Valentine's Day.

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Quip for the day........(a nice Valentine's Day thought).....It's not that I can't live without  you....it's just that I don't even want to try.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------an oldie, but worth the laugh......

A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

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Today is Saturday, February 15, the 46th day of the year.  There are 319 days left in the year.

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In 1764, the site of present-day St. Louis was established by Pierre Laclede and Auguste Chouteau.

In 1898, the U.S. battleship Maine mysteriously blew up in Havana Harbor, killing more than 260 crew members and bringing the United States closer to war with Spain.

In 1903, the first "Teddy" bear went on sale.

In 1933, President-elect Franklin D. Roosevelt escaped an assassination attempt in Miami that mortally wounded Chicago Mayor Anton J. Cermak; gunman Giuseppe Zangara was executed four weeks later.

In 1961, the 18-member U.S. figure skating team was killed in a plane crash in Belgium.

In 1984, Ethel Merman died from natural causes in New York City.

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Today-----Cartoonist Norman Bridwell is 86, Actress Claire Bloom is 83, Songwriter Brian Holland is 73, Former baseball player Ron Cey is 66, Former football player Ken Anderson is 65, Actress Jane Seymour is 63, Singer Melissa Manchester is 63, Dancer Bill T. Jones is 62, Actress Lynn Whitfield is 61 and "Simpsons" creator-director Matt Groening is 60.

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February 15th is:  Angelman Syndrome Day, National Hippo Day, Remember The Maine Day, Susan B. Anthony Day and National Gum Drop Day.

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Quip for the day.......Regardless of the temptation, do not lick a steak knife.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah....

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.

"Well, you know how she is."
 
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her."

"You were perfectly right."

"You want to speak with her? All right."  He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: 

"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

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Today is Sunday, February 16, the 47th day of the year.  There are 318 days left in the year.

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In 1804, Lt. Stephen Decatur led a successful raid into Tripoli Harbor to the burn the U.S. Navy frigate Philadelphia, which had fallen into the hands of pirates during the First Barbary War.

In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Fort Donelson in Tennessee ended as some 12,000 Confederate soldiers surrendered; Union Gen. Ulysses S. Grant's victory earned him the nickname "Unconditional Surrender Grant".

In 1878, the Bland-Allison Act became law making silver dollars legal tender.

In 1894, infamous gunslinger John Wesley Hardin was pardoned after spending 15 years in a Texas prison for murder.

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Today----Soap opera actress June Brown is 87, Broadway actor Brian Bedford is 79, Author Richard Ford is 70, Actor William Katt is 63 and Singer James Ingram is 62.

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February 16th is:  NBA All-Star Game, Kyoto Protocol Day, National Almond Day and Daytona Pole Day.

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Quip for the day........Marriage is like a phone call in the middle of the night.  First the ring then you wake up.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------funny.......

The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God! I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now!"

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Today is Monday, February 17, the 48th day of the year.  There are 317 days left in the year.

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In 1820, the Senate passed the Missouri Compromise in an attempt to deal with the dangerously divisive issue of extending slavery into the Western territories.

In 1863, the International Red Cross was founded in Geneva.

In 1897, the forerunner of the National PTA, the National Congress of Mothers, convened its first meeting in Washington, D.C.

In 1947, the Voice of America began its first radio broadcasts to the Soviet Union.

In 1959, the U.S. launched Vanguard 2, a satellite which carried meteorological equipment.

In 1964, the Supreme Court, in Wasberry v. Sanders, ruled that congressional districts within each state had to be roughly equal in population.

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Today-----Actor Hal Holbrook is 89, TV actress Patricia Routledge is 85, TV actress Christina Pickles is 79, Football Hall-of-Famer Jim Brown is 78, Author Mary Frances Berry is 76, TV actress Mary Ann Mobley is 75, Singer Vincente Fernandez is 74 and Actress Rene Russo is 60.

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February 17th is:  Champion Crab Races Day, My Way Day, Presidents Day, National PTA Founders Day and World Human Spirit Day.

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Quip for the day.......There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------groaner........

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience.

"And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded.

"Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"

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Today is Tuesday, February 18, the 49th day of the year.  There are 316 days left in the year.

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In 1861, Jefferson Davis was sworn in as provisional president of the Confederate States of America in Montgomery, Alabama.

In 1885, Mark Twain's "Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" was published.

In 1960, the 8th Winter Olympics were formally opened in Squaw Valley, California, by Vice President Richard M. Nixon.

In 2001, auto racing star Dale Earnhardt Sr. died in a crash at the Daytona 500; he was 49.

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Today-------Actor George Kennedy is 89, Author Toni Morrison is 83, Director Milos Forman is 82, Singer Yoko Ono is 81, Singer Dennis Deyoung is 67, TV actress Jess Walton is 65, Actress Cybill Shepherd is 64, Singer Juice Newton is 62, Singer Randy Crawford is 62 and Actor John Travolta is 60.

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February 18th is:  Battery Day, Cow Milked On An Airplane Day, National Drink Wine Day and Pluto Day.

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Quip for the day.....You know you live in a small town when everyone knows your credit is good and whose spouse isn't.

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Larryj