another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----everything is big in Texas......

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?"

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

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Today is Wednesday, January 22, the 22nd day of the year.  There are 343 days left in the year.

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In 1938, "Our Town," by Thornton Wilder, was performed publically for the first time in Princeton, New Jersey.

In 1944, During World War II, Allied forces began landing at Anzio, Italy.

In 1970, the first regularly scheduled commercial flight of the Boeing 747 began in New York City and ended in London about 6 1/2 hours later.

In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court, in its Roe v. Wade decision, legalized abortions using a trimester approach.

In 1984, the Los Angeles Raiders defeated the Washington Redskins 38-9 to win Super Bowl XVIII.

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Today-----Actress Piper Laurie is 82, Author Joseph Wambaugh Jr. is 77, Actor John Hurt is 74, Singer Steve Perry is 65 and Movie director Jim Jarmusch is 61.

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January 22nd is:  Answer Your Cat's Questions Day, Celebration Of Life Day and Roe v. Wade Day.

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Quip for the day........My wife always laughs when we are making love.....no matter what she is reading.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny.....

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Not amazing. Ran over me about a half hour ago."

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Today is Thursday, January 23, the 23rd day of the year.  There are 342 days left in the year.

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In 1789, Georgetown University was established in present-day Washington, D.C.

In 1845, Congress decided all national elections would be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November.

In 1849, Elizabeth Blackwell was granted a medical degree from Geneva College in New York becoming the first female to be officially recognized as a physician in American history.

In 1932, New York Gov. Franklin D. Roosevelt announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination.

In 1957, Toy company Wham-O produced the first Frisbee.

In 1968, the U.S. intelligence gathering ship Pueblo was seized by North Korea.

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Today----Actress Jeanne Moreau is 86, Actress Chita Rivera is 81, Actor Sonny Chiba is 75, Actor Gil Gerard is 71, Actor Rutger Hauer is 70, Singer Anita Pointer is 66, Actor Richard Dean Anderson is 64, Guitarist Robin Zander (Cheap Trick) is 61 and Former football player Pat Haden is 61.

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January 23rd is:  Measure Your Feet Day, National Pie Day, National Handwriting Day and Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day.

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Quip for the day..........All the problems we face in North America today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------I remember this one.....

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.  I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.  The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

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Today is Friday, January 24, the 24th day of the year.  There are 341 days left in the year.

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In 1848, James W. Marshall discovered a gold nugget at Sutter's Mill in Northern California, a discovery that led to the Gold Rush of '49.

In 1908, the Boy Scouts movement began in England under the aegis of Robert Baden Powell.

In 1935, Canned beer made its debut as the Gottfried Krueger Brewing Company delivered 2,000 cans of beer to its faithful Krueger drinkers in Richmond, Virginia.

In 1965, Sir Winston Churchill died in London at age 90.

In 1984, Apple Computer began selling its first Macintosh model.

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Today-----Actor Jerry Maren ("The Wizard Of Oz") is 95, Actor Marvin Kaplan ("Top Cat") is 87, Country singer Ray Stevens is 75, Singer-songwriter Neil Diamond is 73, Singer Aaron Neville is 73, Comedian Yakov Smirnoff is 63 and TV actor William Allen Young is 60.

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January 24th is:  Compliment Day, Beer Can Appreciation Day, Belly Laugh Day and Eskimo Pie Patent Day.

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Quip for the day.....I've lost my dictionary, now I'm at a loss for words.

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Larryj

[W. Gray]

When this started out, it immediately reminded me of the old question that I am sure many forum members have heard before, that is, would you rather I give you $5 now or give you one cent today but then double the penny the next day and double the amount each day thereafter to the end of the month.

None of the kids I ever offered this deal to for an allowance ever took the one cent, but if they had I could never have paid it. Also, none of them believed me when I told them what they had missed out on.

Beginning with one cent on the first day and then doubling the pennies each subsequent day for a thirty day month gives, $5,368,709.12. If it were a 31 day month the amount due would be almost $11 million.

[larryJ]

Today's--------gotcha.......

The real reason I'm tired:

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting there reading jokes.

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Today is Saturday, January 25, the 25th day of the year.  There are 340 days left in the year.

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In 1915, Alexander Graham Bell inaugurated U.S. trans-continental telephone service between New York and San Francisco.

In 1924, In what would become known as the Winter Olympics occurred at Chamonix in the French Alps.

In 1949, The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences held its first annual awards ceremony in Los Angeles.  (Emmy Awards.)

In 1961, President John F. Kennedy held the first presidential news conference to be carried live on radio and television.

In 1971, Charles Manson and three women followers were convicted in Los Angeles of the 1969 slayings of seven people, including actress Sharon Tate.

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Today------Actor Greg Palmer is 87, Jazz musician-saxophonist Benny Golson is 85, Actor Dean Jones is 83, Movie director Tobe Hooper is 71, Actress Anita Pallenberg is 70, Actress Leigh Taylor-Young is 69, TV Actor Christopher Ryan is 64 and TV Actress Diane Salinger is 63.

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January 25th is:  Opposite Day, A Room Of One's Own Day, Burns Night, National Irish Coffee Day, National Seed Swap Day and Observe The Weather Day.

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Quip for the day.....If you help someone when they are in trouble, they will remember you when they are in trouble again.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah......

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order."

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices. The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.

"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this -- that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."

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Today is Sunday, January 26, the 26th day of the year.  There are 339 days left in the year.

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In 1784, in a letter to his daughter Sarah (also known as "Sally"), Benjamin Franklin expressed unhappiness over the choice of the bald eagle as the symbol of America, and stated his preference, the turkey, calling it "a much more respectable bird, and withal a true original native of America."

In 1838, the first prohibition law  in the history of the United States was passed in Tennessee, making it a misdemeanor to sell alcohol in taverns and stores.

In 1979, "The Dukes of Hazard" debuted on CBS.

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Today------Actress Anne Jeffreys is 91, Cartoonist Jules Feiffer is 85, Sportscaster-actor Bob Uecker is 79, Actor Scott Glenn is 75, Singer Jean Knight is 71, Songwriter Thom Bell is 71, Activist-teacher Angela Davis is 70, Director Christopher Hampton is 68, Soap Opera actor Walt Willey is 63 and Country singer Lucinda Williams  is 61.

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January 26th is:  Grammy Awards, Lotus 1-2-3 Day, National Peanut Brittle Day, Toad Hollow Day of Encouragement and World Leprosy Day.

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Quip for the day.......Money can't buy happiness, but it is more comfortable crying in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah.....

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

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Today is Monday, January 27, the 27th day of the year.  There are 338 days left in the year.

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In 1880, Thomas Edison received a patent for his electric incandescent lamp.

In 1945, Soviet forces liberated the Nazi concentration camps Auschwitz and Birkenau in Poland.

In 1951, an era of atomic testing began as an Air Force plane dropped a one-kiloton bomb on Frenchman Flat in Nevada.

In 1965, the Shelby GT 350, a version of a Ford Mustang sports car, was launched by car designer Carroll Shelby.

In 1967, astronauts Virgil I "Gus" Grissom, Edward H. White and Roger B. Chaffee died in a flash fire during a test aboard their Apollo spacecraft.

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Today-------Actor James Cromwell is 74, Actor John Witherspoon is 72, Entrepreneur Steve Wynn is 72, Drummer Nick Mason (Pink Floyd) is 70, Dance Mikhail Baryshnikov is 66 and All-Pro football player Billy Johnson is 62.

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January 27th is:  Auschwitz Liberation Day, Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day, Holocaust Memorial Day, Thomas Crapper Day and Viet Nam Peace Day.

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Quip for the day........Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------blonde joke day......

A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question:

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted:

"I don't know!"

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the
interview.

The blonde couldn't be happier. "It's my first day on the job, and it went great. I'm already working on a murder case!"

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Today is Tuesday, January 28, the 28th day of the year.  There are 337 days left in the year.

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In 1813, the novel "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen was first published anonymously in London.

In 1917, American forces were recalled after nearly eleven months of fruitless searching for Mexican revolutionary Pancho Villa who was accused of leading a bloody raid on Columbus, New Mexico.

In 1973, a cease-fire officially went into effect in the Vietnam War.

In 1986, the space shuttle Challenger exploded 73 seconds after liftoff from Cape Canaveral, killing all seven crew members, including school teacher Christa McAuliffe.

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Today-----Actor Nicholas Pryor is 79, Actor Alan Alda is 78, Actress Susan Howard is 70, Basketball coach Gregg Popovich is 65, Model Barbi Benton is 64 and Author Rick Warren is 60.

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January 28th is:  Data Privacy Day, National Kazoo Day and Thank A Plugin Developer Day.

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Quip for the day.......It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----gotcha.....

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

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Today is Wednesday, January 29, the 29th day of the year.  There are 336 days left in the year.

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In 1845, Edgar Allen Poe's poem "The Raven" was first published in the New York Evening Mirror.

In 1861, Kansas became the 34th state to enter the Union as a free state.

In 1919, the ratification of the 18th Amendment to the Constitution, which launched Prohibition, was certified by Acting Secretary of State Frank L. Polk.

In 1936, the first inductees of baseball's Hall of Fame, including Ty Cobb and Babe Ruth, were named in Cooperstown, New York.

In 1958, actors Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were married.

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Today----Feminist author Germaine Greer is 75, Actress Katharine Ross is 74, Singer Claudine Longet is 72, Actor Tom Selleck is 69, Soccer player David Hay is 66, Actress Ann Jillian is 64, Musician Tommy Ramone (The Ramones) is 62, Singer Charlie Wilson is 61, TV actor Terry Kinney is 60 and Talk show host Oprah Winfrey is 60.

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January 29th is:  Curmudgeon Day, Freethinkers Day, National Puzzle Day, Seeing Eye Dog Day and Thomas Paine Day.

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Quip for the day......Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----yep.......

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"  "No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

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Today is Thursday, January 30, the 30th day of the year.  There are 335 days left in the year.

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In 1835, Andrew Jackson became the first president to experience an assassination attempt.

In 1862, the ironclad USS Monitor was launched from the Continental Iron Works in Greenpoint, New York, during the Civil War.

In 1882, future president Franklin D. Roosevelt was born.

In 1933, the first episode of the "Lone Ranger" radio program was broadcast on station WXYZ in Detroit.

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Today-----Director Michael Anderson is 94, Actress Dorothy Malone is 89. Actor Gene Hackman is 84, Actress Tammy Grimes is 80, Actress Vanessa Redgrave is 77, Chess Grandmaster Boris Spassky is 77, Former Vice President Dick Cheney is 73, Singer Marty Balin is 72, Coach Davey Johnson is 71, Rhythm-and-Blues musician William King (The Commodores) is 65, Singer Phil Collins is 63 and Actor Charles Dutton is 63.

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January 30th is:  Inane Answering Machine Message Day.

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Quip for the day....If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

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Larryj