another slice of wry

[larryJ]

(thanks, feeling much better.)

Today's--------aha..........

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

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Today is Sunday, January 12, the 12th day of the year.  There are 353 days left in the year.

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In 1773, the first public museum in America was organized in Charleston, South Carolina.

In 1828, the United States and Mexico signed a Treaty of Limits defining the boundary between the two countries to be the same as the one established by an 1819 treaty between the U.S. and Spain.

In 1912, textile workers at the Everett Mill in Lawrence, Massachusetts, most of them immigrant women, walked off the job to protest wage cuts.

In 1926, the two-man comedy series "Sam 'n' Henry" debuted on Chicago's WGN Radio.  Two years later, the show changed its name to "Amos 'n' Andy."

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Today----Actress Luise Rainer is 104, Country singer Ray Price is 88, Singer Glenn Yarbrough is 84, The Amazing Kreskin is 79, Actress Shirley Eaton is 77, Country singer William Lee Golden (The Oak Ridge Boys) is 75, Rock musician Cynthia Robinson (Sly and the Family Stone) is 70, Actor Anthony Andrews is 66, Movie director Wayne Wang is 65, Radio commentator Rush Limbaugh is 63, Actress Kirstie Alley is 63, Former Olympic athlete John Walker is 62 and Talk show host Howard Stern is 60.

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January 12th is:  Feast Of Fabulous Wild Men Day and National Pharmacists Day.

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Quip for the day.....Heck is where people go that don't believe in gosh.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----yep......

A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever — the one you have been toiling on for ten years — in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"

His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it would go on forever, son. I said that it could go on forever. When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"

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Today is Monday, January 13, the 13th day of the year.  There are 352 days left in the year.

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In 1864, American songwriter Stephen Foster, who'd written such classics as "Swanee River," Oh! Susanna," "Camptown Races," "My Old Kentucky Home" and "Beautiful Dreamer," died in poverty in a New York hospital at age 37.

In 1929, 50 years after the famous gunfight at the OK Corral, Wyatt Earp died quietly in Los Angeles at age 80.

In 1941, a new law went into effect granting Puerto Ricans U.S. birthright citizenship.

In 1962, Comedian Ernie Kovacs died when he crashed his Chevrolet Corvair into a telephone pole in Los Angeles.

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Today------Actress Frances Sternhagen is 84, Comedian Rip Taylor is 80, Actor Billy Gray is 76 and Actor Richard Moll is 71.

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January 13th is:  National Clean Off Your Desk Day, Public Radio Broadcasting Day, Rubber Duckie Day and Stephen Foster Day.

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Quip for the day.....(from George Burns)...."Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded.  Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth!"

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one.....

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper: "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?"

"Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."

"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."

"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.

"I'm not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

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Today is Tuesday, January 14, the 14th day of the year.  There are 351 days left in the year.

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In 1784, the United States ratified a treat with England, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and French General Charles de Gaulle opened a wartime conference in Casablanca.  (President Roosevelt became the first president to fly overseas in a plane.)

In 1952, NBC's "Today" show premiered, with Dave Garroway as the host, or "communicator."

In 1954, Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio were married.

In 1970, Diana Ross and the Supremes performed their final concert at the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas.

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Today-------Actor Richard Briers is 80, Singer Jack Jones is 76, Actress Faye Dunaway is 73, Actress Holland Taylor is 71, Actor Carl Weathers is 66, Singer-producer T-Bone Burnett is 66 and Producer Lawrence Kasdan is 65.

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January 14th is:  Caesarian Section Day, International Kite Day, Dress Up Your Pet Day, National Poetry At Work Day, Organize Your Home Day and Ratification Day.

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Quip for the day....Nobody cares if you can't dance.  Just dance.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oh no.......

The day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
   
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
   
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
   
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
   
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
   
The policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
   
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
   
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
   
"If that's the good news then what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
   
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

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Today is Wednesday, January 15, the 15th day of the year.  There are 350 days left in the year.

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In 1777, the people of New Connecticut declared their independence.  (The republic later became the state of Vermont.)

In 1919, fiery molasses from a huge tank at the United States Industrial Alcohol Company flooded the streets of Boston killing 21 people.

In 1929, Martin Luther King Jr. was born in Atlanta, Georgia.

In 1943, work was completed on the Pentagon, headquarters of the U.S. Department of War (now Defense.)

In 1967, at the Los Angeles Coliseum, the Green Bay Packers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs in the first world championship of American football.  (The championship was named the Super Bowl in 1969.)

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon announced the suspension of all U.S. offensive action in North Vietnam, citing progress in peace negotiations.

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Today--------Actress Margaret O'Brien is 77, Actress Andrea Martin is 67 and Singer Charo is 63.

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January 15th is:  Humanitarian Day:  Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday.

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Quip for the day......I recently read that love is a matter of chemistry.  That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

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Larryj
   

[larryJ]

Today's---funny......

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said,

"When you can read this, come back and see me."

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Today is Thursday, January 16, the 16th day of the year.  There are 349 days left in the year.

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In 1883, the U.S. Civil Service Commission was established.

In 1920, Prohibition began in the U.S. as the 18th Amendment to the Constitution took effect.

In 1942, actress Carole Lombard died in a plane crash traveling from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, at age 33.

In 1944, during World War II, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower formally assumed command of the Allied Expeditionary Forces in London.

In 1991, the White House announced the start of Operation Desert Storm to drive Iraqi forces out of Kuwait.

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Today-----Author William Kennedy is 86, Race car driver A.J. Foyt is 79, Singer Rene Angelil is 72, Singer Barbara Lynn is 72, Country singer Ronnie Milsap is 71, Singer Jim Stafford is 70, Talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger is 67, Movie director John Carpenter is 66 and Actress-dancer-choreographer Debbie Allen is 64.

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January 16th is:  Appreciate A Dragon Day, Get To Know Your Customers Day, Nothing Day, Religious Freedom Day and Women In Blue Jeans Day (16-17).

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Quip for the day......Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---hah......

This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.

"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.

Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."

"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."

The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"

"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

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Today is Friday, January 17, the 17th day of the year.  There are 348 days left in the year.

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In 1916, a group of professional golfers and several leading amateur golfers gathered at the Taplow Club in New York city in a meeting that resulted in the founding of the Professional Golfers Association.

In 1929, the cartoon character Popeye the Sailor made his debut in the "Thimble Theater" comic strip.

In 1950, the Great Brinks Robbery took place as seven masked men held up a Brink's garage in Boston, stealing $1.2 million in cash and $1.5 million in checks and money orders.  (Although the entire gang was caught only part of the loot was recovered.)

In 1953, a prototype Chevrolet Corvette made its debut at General Motors' Motorama at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel in New York City.

In 1994, a 6.7 magnitude earthquake struck Southern California killing at least 60 people.

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Today----Actress Betty White is 92, Baseball's Don Zimmer is 83, Actor James Earl Jones is 83, Talk show host Maury Povich is 75, International Boxing Hall-of-Famer Muhammad Ali is 72, Former NFL player Preston Pearson is 69, Actress Jane Elliot is 67 and Guitarist Mick Taylor (The Rollin Stones) is 65.

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January 17th is:  Cable Car Day, Hot Head Chili Days (17-18), International Fetish Day, Judgement Day and Kid Inventors Day.

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Quip for the day.........the first rule of holes.....if you are in one.........stop digging.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----old, yuck, but funny.....

A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee. Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee, the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the stranger: "Sir, I'm cold and hungry and haven't eaten in days. If you're not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?" With little acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction.

Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl - a small pile of dog turds.

Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said, "I know how you feel, buddy. That's about as far as I got, too."

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Today is Saturday, January 18, the 18th day of the year.  There are 347 days left in the year.

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In 1778, English navigator Captain James Cook reached the present-day Hawaiian Islands.

In 1862, the 10th president of the United States, John Tyler, died in Richmond, Virginia, at age 71.

In 1958, hockey player Willie O'Ree, of the Boston Bruins, became the first black player in the NHL.

In 1993, the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday was observed in all 50 states for the first time.

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Today--------Movie director John Boorman is 81, Singer-songwriter Bobby Goldsboro is 73 and Actor M.C. Gainey is 66.

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January 18th is:  Polar Bear Swim (Seward, Alaska), Pooh (Winnie The) Day, Thesaurus Day and National Sanctity Of Human Life Day (or Pro Life Day.)

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Quip for the day......I've got it made.  I have a wife and a TV and they're both working.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----------groaner...........

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."  Amazed, the driver asked for what. 

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

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Today is January 19, the 19th day of the year.  There are 346 days left in the year.

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In 1861, Georgia became the fifth state to secede from the Union.

In 1883, Thomas Edison's first village lighting system using overhead wires began operation in Roselle, NJ.

In 1937, millionaire Howard Hughes set a transcontinental air record by flying his monoplane from Los Angeles to Newark, New Jersey, in 7 hours, 28 minutes and 25 seconds.

In 1953, 68% of all TV sets in the U.S. tuned to CBS-TV as Lucy Ricardo of "I Love Lucy" gave birth to a baby boy.

In 1981, the U.S. and Iran signed an accord paying the way for the release of 52 American hostages.

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Today-----Actor Fritz Weaver is 88, Actress Tippi Hedron is 84, Actor Michael Crawford is 72, Actress Shelley Fabares is 70, Country singer Dolly Parton is 68, Chef Paula Dean is 67, Singer Dewey Bunnell is 62, Musician Desi Arnaz is 61 and Actress Katey Sagal is 60.

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January 19th is:  Confederate Heroes Day, National Popcorn Day, Brew A Potion Day, Hat Day, Tin Can Day and New Friends Day.

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Quip for the day......When all else fails, lower your standards.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------uh huh.......

Jon is working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2014. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

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Today is Monday, January 20, the 20th day of the year.  There are 345 days left in the year.

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In 1885, the roller coaster was patented by L.A. Thompson.

In 1958, Elvis Presley got his orders to duty from the U.S. Army.  He was allowed a 60-day deferment so he could finish filming "King Creole."

In 1961, John F. Kennedy was inaugurated as the 35th U.S. President.

In 1981, Iran released 52 American held hostage for 444 days, minutes after the presidency passed from Jimmy Carter to Ronald Reagan.

In 1986, the U.S. observed the first Martin Luther King Jr. federal holiday.

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Today-----Comedian Arte Johnson is 85, Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin is 84, TV actor Tom Baker is 80, Movie director David Lynch is 68, Country-rock musician George Grantham (Poco) is 67, Bass player Ian Hill is 63, Voice actor Dave Fennoy is 62 and Guitarist Paul Stanley is 62.

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January 20th is:  National Day Of Service, Camcorder Day, Penguin Awareness Day, National Disc Jockey Day, Robert E. Lee Day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

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Quip for the day.....My doctor gave me two weeks to live.  I hope they're in August.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----uh oh.....

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

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Today is Tuesday, January 21, the 21st day of the year.  There are 344 days left in the year.

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In 1789, W.H. Brown's "Power of Sympathy" was published.  It was the first American novel to be published.

In 1853, Dr. Russell L. Hawes patented the envelope folding machine.

In 1861, Jefferson Davis of Mississippi and four other Southerners whose states had seceded from the Union resigned from the U.S. Senate.

In 1954, the first atomic submarine, the USS Nautilus, was launched at Groton, Connecticut.

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Today-----World Golf Hall-of-Famer Jack Nicklaus is 74, Opera singer Placido Domingo is 73, Singer Mac Davis is 72, TV Actor Martin Shaw is 69, Producer Jeff Franklin is 68, Actress Jill Eikenberry is 67, Singer-songwriter Billy Ocean is 64 and Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is 61.

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January 21st is:  Inauguration Day, National Hugging Day, Rid The World Of Fad Diets And Gimmicks Day and Squirrel Appreciation Day.

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Quip for the day.......It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

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Larryj