another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------old but funny.....

It was a dark stormy night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing.  Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

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Today is Thursday, January 2, the 2nd day of the year.  There are 363 days left in the year.

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In 1788, Georgia ratified the U.S. Constitution becoming the fourth state of the modern United States.

In 1923, Albert Fall, the Secretary of the U.S. Department of Interior, resigned in response to public outrage over the Teapot Dome scandal.

In 1956, Oklahoma University's champion football team defeated Maryland in the Orange Bowl scoring their 30th straight victory.  The streak went on to 47 games.

In 2006, twelve miners died in an explosion at the Sago mine in West Virginia.

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Today----Country musician Harold Bradley is 88, Fashion photographer David Bailey is 76, Actor Ron Hale is 68, Former NFL player Calvin Hill is 67, Zookeeper-TV host Jack Hanna is 67 and Actress Wendy Phillips is 62.

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January 2nd is:  55 MPH Speed Limit Day, Happy Mew Year For Cats Day, National Buffet Day, National Motivation And Inspiration Day, National Personal Trainer Awareness Day and National Science Fiction Day.

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Quip for the day.....You can't be late until you show up.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---ouch........

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The cowboy groaned, but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager".

The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager.  Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"  "Sam," the cowboy moaned.  The cop asked, "Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied...., "The balcony."

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Today is Friday, January 3, the 3rd day of the year.  There are 362 days left in the year.

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In 1777, Gen. George Washington's army routed the British at the Battle of Princeton, New Jersey.

In 1861, just two weeks after South Carolina seceded from the Union, Delaware rejected secession.

In 1870, groundbreaking took place for the Brooklyn Bridge.

In 1911, the first postal savings banks were opened by the U.S. Post Office.  (The banks were abolished in 1966.)

In 1938, President Franklin D. Roosevelt founded the National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis, later known as the March of Dimes Foundation.

In 1959, Alaska became the 49th state of the Union.

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Today-----Record producer George Martin is 88, Actor Robert Loggia is 84, Actor Dabney Coleman is 82, Journalist-author Betty Rollin is 78, Former NHL player Bobby Hull is 75, Rock musician Stephen Stills (Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young) is 69, Rock musician John Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin) is 68 and Actress Victoria Principal is 64.

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January 3rd is:  Drinking Straw Day, J.R.R. Tolkien Day and National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day.

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Quip for the day.......A chicken coop always has two doors.  If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----good one.....

Entitled: "Don't mess with old people."

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So .. you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today .." At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted ...! Old Harold just smiled!

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Today is Saturday, January 4, the 4th day of the year.  There are 361 days left in the year.

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In 1821, the first native-born American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, died in Emmitsburg, Maryland.

In 1847, Samuel Colt rescued his faltering gun company by winning a contract to provide the U.S. government with 1,000 of his .44 caliber revolvers.

In 1896, Utah became the 45th state of the Union.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt, in his State of the Union address, called for legislation to provide assistance for the jobless, the elderly, impoverished children and the handicapped.

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Today----Actress Barbara Rush is 87, Former NFL coach Don Shula is 84, Actress Dyan Cannon is 75 and Jazz guitarist John McLaughlin is 72.

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January 4th is:  Dimpled Chad Day, Pop Music Chart Day, Tom Thumb Day, Trivia Day, World Braille Day and World Hypnotism Day.

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Quip for the day.....It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----it's a Jarhead day....

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.  If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.  If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.  If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.  If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.  If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

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Today is Sunday, January 5, the 5th day of the year.  There are 360 days left in the year.

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In 1643, in the first record of a legal divorce in the American Colonies, Anne Clarke of the Massachusetts Bay Colony was granted a divorce from her absent and adulterous husband, Denis Clarke.

In 1781, a British naval expedition led by Benedict Arnold burned Richmond, Virginia.

In 1914, Auto industrialist Henry Ford announced he was going to pay workers $5 for an eight hour day as opposed to $2.34 for a nine hour day.

In 1933, construction began on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco.

In 1998, Sonny Bono was killed in a skiing accident in South Lake Tahoe, California.

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Today--------Actor Robert Duvall is 83, Former NFL coach Chuck Noll is 82, TV talk show host Charlie Rose is 72, Actress-director Diane Keaton is 68, Actor Ted Lange is 66, Rhythm-and-Blues musician George Brown (Kool and the Gang) is 65 and Actress Pamela Sue Martin is 61.

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January 5th is:  Bean Day and Bird Day.

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Quip for the day.......BEER!  The reason I get up each afternoon!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----hah........

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT

Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00

TOTAL $21.00



OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00.

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

MONEY SPENT

Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00

TOTAL -- $4165.00

BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT

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Today is Monday, January 6, the 6th day of the year.  There are 359 days left in the year.

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In 1838, Samuel Morse and Alfred Vail gave the first successful public demonstration of their telegraph in Morristown, New Jersey.

In 1912, New Mexico became the 47th state of the Union.

In 1974, year-round daylight saving time began in the United States on a trial basis as a fuel saving measure in response to the OPEC oil embargo.

In 1994, figure skater Nancy Kerigan was clubbed in the leg by an assailant at Detroit's Cobo Arena; four men, included the ex-husband of Kerrigan's rival, Tonya Harding, went to prison for their roles in the attack.

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Today-----Pollster Louis Harris is 93, Author E.L. Doctorow is 83, Former football coach Lou Holtz is 77 and Rock musician Malcolm Young (AC/DC) is 61.

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January 6th is: National Weigh-In Day, "Thank God It's Monday" Day and Three Kings Day.

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Quip for the day.......I'm retired.  This is as dressed-up as it's gonna get.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah......

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence.... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time....... I haven't made the @#*% porridge yet!!

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Today is Tuesday, January 7, the 7th day of the year.  There are 358 days left in the year.

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In 1789, America held its first presidential election as voters chose electors who, a month later, selected George Washington to be the nation's first chief executive.

In 1892, a massive mine explosion left nearly 100 dead in Krebs, Oklahoma.

In 1927, commercial transatlantic telephone service started between New York and London.

In 1963, the U.S. Post Office raised the cost of a first-class stamp from 4 cents to 5 cents.

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Today-------MLB All-Star Alvin Dark is 92, Actress Terry Moore is 85, Singer Kenny Loggins is 66, Actress Erin Gray is 64 and Actress Helen Worth is 63.

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January 7th is:  Harlem Globetrotter's Day, I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore Day, International Programmer's Day and National Tempura Day.

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Quip for the day.......It was two years ago I lost my wife.  I'll never forget that card game.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

My apologies..........spent a couple of days in the hospital with pneumonia.  Will resume tomorrow, Friday, morning.

Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------huh.......

A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when he met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn't seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.

"Remember that lousy office complex I bought?" asked the lawyer, "Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It's amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way."

"It sure is," the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, "but I'm confused about one thing – how do you start a flood?"

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Today is Friday, January 10, the 10th day of the year.  There are 355 days left in the year.

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In 1776, Thomas Paine anonymously published his influential pamphlet "Common Sense" which argued for American independence for British rule.

In 1843, Frank James, brother of outlaw Jesse James, was born in Clay County, Missouri.

In 1861, Florida became the third state to secede from the Union.

In 1870, John D. Rockefeller incorporated Standard Oil.

In 1901, the Spindletop oil field in Beaumont, Texas, produced the Lucas gusher, heralding the start of the Texas oil boom.

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Today-----Blues artist Eddy Clearwater is 79, Former MLB player Willy McCovey is 76, Singer Frank Sinatra, Jr. is 70, Singer Rod Stewart is 69, Rock-singer musician  Donald Fagen (Steeley Dan) is 66, TV actor William Sanderson is 66, Boxing Hall-of-Famer George Foreman is 65 and Singer Pat Benatar is 61.

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January 10th is:  National Cut Your Energy Costs Day and League Of Nations Day.

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Quip for the day.......I ordered a home surgery kit.  It's called Suture Self.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------good one.....

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God.

"Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

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Today is Saturday, January 11, the 11th day of the year.  There are 354 days left in the year.

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In 1805, the Michigan Territory was created by an act of Congress.

In 1861, Alabama became the fourth state to secede from the Union.

In 1908, President Theodore Roosevelt proclaimed the Grand Canyon National Monument (it became a national park in 1919.)

In 1913, the first enclosed sedan-type automobile, a Hudson, went on display at the 13th National Automobile Show in New York.

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Today---------Actor Rod Taylor is 84, Composer Mary Rodgers is 83, Actor Mitchell Ryan is 80, Actor Felix Silla is 77, Actor Joel Zwick is 72, Country singer Naomi Judd is 68 and Singer Tom Netherton is 67.

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January 11th is:  Cigarettes Are Hazardous To Your Health Day, Learn Your Name In Morse Code Day, National Human Trafficking Awareness Day and Fruitcake Toss Day.

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Quip for the day....Optimism:  Waiting for your ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.

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Larryj

[Diane Amberg]

Hope you are feeling much better today and getting your strength back.