another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's------blonde joke day......

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

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Today is Friday, December 13, the 347th day of the year.  There are 18 days left in the year.

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In 1918, President Woodrow Wilson arrived in France, becoming the first chief executive to visit Europe while in office.

In 2000, Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore conceded to Republican George Bush, a day after the U.S. Supreme Court shut down further recounts in Florida.

In 2003, after nine months on the run, Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was captured.

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Today----Actor-comedian Dick Van Dyke is 88, Actor Christopher Plummer is 84, Entertainer-game show host John Davidson is 72, Singer Ted Nugent is 65, Actor Robert Lindsay is 64, Country musician-singer Randy Owen (Alabama) is 64, Actress Wendie Malick is 63 and Comedian Jim Davidson is 60.

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December 13th is:  Pick A Pathologist Pal Day.

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Quip for the day.....George Washington's brother was the Uncle of our country.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oopsies...........

A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Arizona." "The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter...and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"

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Today is Saturday, December 14, the 348th day of the year.  There are 17 days left in the year.

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In 1799, the first president of the United States, George Washington, died at his Mount Vernon home in Virginia at age 67.

In 1819, Alabama joined the Union as the 22nd state.

In 1909, workers placed the last of the 3.2 million 10 pound bricks that paved the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.  It was later paved over with asphalt.

In 1911, Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen and his team became the first men to reach the South Pole.

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Today-----Jazz musician Clark Terry is 93, NFL Hall-of-Famer Charley Trippi is 92, Actress Linda Hopkins is 89, Actor Hal Williams is 75, Actress Jane Birkin is 67, Actress Patty Duke is 67, Actress Dee Wallace is 65, Rock musician Cliff Williams is 64, Former MLB player Bill Buckner is 64 and Actress Celia Weston is 62.

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December 14th is:  Day Of The Horse, International Shareware Day and Monkee Day.

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Quip for the day....The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing......then they marry him.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

(my apologies for missing yesterday.  no excuses.)

Today's------hah.....

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

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Today is Monday, December 16, the 350th day of the year.  There are 15 days left in the year.

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In 1773, The Boston Tea Party took place as American colonists boarded a British ship and dumped more than 300 chests of tea into Boston harbor to protest tea taxes.

In 1811, an earthquake struck near New Madrid, Missouri, altering the topography of the region and changed the course of the Mississippi River.

In 1944, the World War II Battle of the Bulge began as German forces launched a surprise attack against Allied forces in Belgium.

In 1960, two airliners collided over New York City killing 134 people on the planes and on the ground.

In 1991, the U.N. General Assembly rescinded its 1975 resolution equating Zionism with racism by a vote of 111-25.

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Today-------Actress Liv Allmann is 75, CBS correspondent Leslie Stahl is 72, Actor Terrence Knox is 67, Actor Christopher Ellison is 67,  Singer Benny Andersson (ABBA) is 67, Actor Ben Cross is 66, Rock musician Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top) is 64 and Rock musician Bill Bateman (The Blasters) is 62.

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December 16th is:  Barbie and Barney Backlash Day, National Chocolate-covered Anything Day and Zionism Day.

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Quip for the day.......The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----oldie but goodie......

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, who also gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a great mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map lady!"

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Today is Tuesday, December 17, the 351st day of the year.  There are 14 days left in the year.

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In 1777, France formally recognized American independence.

In 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright of Dayton, Ohio, conducted the first successful manned powered-airplane flights near Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, using their experimental craft, the Wright Flyer.

In 1933, in the inaugural NFL championship football game, the Chicago Bears defeated the New York Giants, 23-21.

In 1944, during World War II, U.S. Maj. Gen. Henry C. Pratt issued Proclamation No. 21 which declared that effective January 2, 1945, Japanese-Americans, who had been placed in internment camps, could return to their homes.

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Today---------Actor Dave Madden is 82, Singer Tommy Steele is 77, Actor Bernard Hill is 69, Political commentator Chris Matthews is 68, Actor Ernie Hudson is 68, Actor Eugene Levy is 67, Actor Wes Studi is 66, Singer-songwriter Paul Rodgers is 64, Actor Joel Brooks is 64, Actor Bill Pullman is 60 and Actor Barry Livingston is 60.

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December 17th is:  Free Shipping Day and Wright Brothers Day.

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Quip for the day.........I have enough money to last me the rest of my life........unless I buy something.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------funny.......

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

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Today is Wednesday, December 18, the 352nd day of the year.  There are 13 days left in the year.

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In 1620, the Mayflower docked at present-day Plymouth, Massachusetts.

In 1787, New Jersey became the third state to ratify the U.S. Constitution.

In 1865, the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, abolishing slavery, was declared in effect by Secretary of State William H. Seward.

In 1972, the United States began heavy bombing of North Vietnamese targets during the Vietnam War.

In 1998, the House debated articles of impeachment against President Bill Clinton.

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Today----Actor Roger Smith is 81, Rock singer-musician Keith Richards is 70, Movie producer-director Stephen Spielberg is 67 and Film critic Leonard Maltin is 63.

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December 18th is:  Answer Your Telephone Like Buddy The Elf Day and International Migrants Day.

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Quip for the day.....When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah.......

A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when there were so many hungry people in the world.

One evening, she was giving her small daughter her tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like that. She asked for some jam on her bread as well.

Her mother looked at her for a few seconds and then said, "When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with butter and jam."

Lucy looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her eyes and then said to her kindly, "Aren't you glad that you've come to live with us now?"

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Today is Thursday, December 19, the 353th day of the year.  There are 12 days left in the year.

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In 1732, Benjamin Franklin first published Poor Richard's Almanack.

In 1777, Gen. George Washington led his army of about 11,000 men to Valley Forge, Pennsylvania, to camp for the winter.

In 1813, British forces captured Fort Niagara during the War of 1812.

In 1843, "A Christmas Carol," by Charles Dickens, was first published.

In 1907, a coal mine explosion in Jacob's Creek, Pennsylvania, killed 239 workers.  One worker survived.

In 1998, President Bill Clinton was impeached by the Republican-controlled House for perjury and obstruction of justice (he was later acquitted by the Senate.)

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Today----Actress Cicely Tyson is 80, MLB All-Star Al Kaline is 79, Rhythm-and-blues singer-musician Maurice White (Earth, Wind and Fire) is 72, Actor Tim Reid is 69, Guitarist Alvin Lee (Ten Years After) is 69 and Country singer Janie Fricke is 66.

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December 19th is:  National Re-gifting Day.

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Quip for the day........It's easy to identify the people who can't count to ten.  They're the ones in front of you in the supermarket express lane.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------late, sorry, last day of school, singalong concert, taking care of granddaughters, I could go on.

The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."

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Today is Friday, December 20, the 354th day of the year.  There are 11 days left in the year.

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In 1790, the first successful cotton mill in the United States began operating.

In 1803, the Louisiana Purchase was completed.

In 1860, South Carolina became the first state to secede from the Union as all 169 delegates to a special convention in Charleston voted in favor of separation.

In 1864, Confederate forces evacuated Savannah, Georgia, as Union Gen. William T. Sherman continued his "March to the Sea."

In 1957, while spending Christmas at Graceland, Elvis Presley received his draft notice into the U.S. Army.

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Today------Actress Audrey Totter is 96, Sportscaster Jim Simpson is 86, Actor John Hillerman is 81, Rock musician Peter Criss (KISS) is 68, Producer Dick Wolf is 67, Actor John Spencer is 67, Psychic-illusionist Uri Gellar is 67, Record producer Alan Parsons is 65 and Actress Jenny Agutter is 61.

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December 20th is:  International Human Solidarity Day, Mudd Day, National Sangria Day and Underdog Day.

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Quip for the day......May the forces of evil get confused on the way to your house.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------another genie joke......

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.

She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.  As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.  But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish.  The first wish was for a billion dollars.  The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills.  The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach.  In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points down the beach
to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish.  But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.  "For my last wish..."

"I'd like to give birth to twins".

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Today is Saturday, December 21, the 355th day of the year.  There are 10 more days left in the year.

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In 1620, Pilgrims on the Mayflower went ashore at present-day Plymouth, Massachusetts.

In 1861, President Abraham Lincoln authorized the Navy Medal of Honor.

In 1913, what's regarded as the first newspaper crossword puzzle was published in the New York World; it was billed as a "Word-Cross Puzzle."

In 1937, Walt Disney's first feature-length animated cartoon, "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," had it's world premiere in Los Angeles.

In 1988, Pan Am Flight no. 103 exploded over Lockerbie, Scotland killing all 243 passengers and 16 crew members. 

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Today-----Actor Ed Nelson is 85, Talk show host Phil Donahue is 78, Actress Jane Fonda is 76, Actor Larry Bryggman is 75, Guitarist Albert Lee is 70, Conductor Michael Tilson Thomas is 69, Actor Samuel L. Jackson is 65, Former MLB player Dave Kingman is 65, Actor Barry Gordon is 65, Actor Dennis Boutskiaris is 61 and R&B singer Betty Wright is 60.

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December 21st is:  Ann and Samantha Day, Winter Soltice, Crossword Puzzle Day, Forefather's Day, Humbug Day, National Homeless Persons Remembrance Day, Phileas Fogg Win A Wager Day and World Peace Day.

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Quip for the day.......my wife thinks freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----yep........

A trio of old veterans were bragging and joking about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

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Today is Sunday, December 22, the 356th day of the year.  There are 9 days left in the year.

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In 1775, the Continental Congress created a Continental Navy.

In 1864, during the civil war, Union Gen. William T. Sherman said in a message to President Abraham Lincoln:  "I beg to present you as a Christmas gift, the city of Savannah."

In 1937, the first center tube of the Lincoln Tunnel connecting New York City and New Jersey under the Hudson River was opened to traffic.

In 1944, in the Battle of the Bulge in World War II, U.S. Brig. Gen. Anthony C. McAuliffe rejected a German demand for surrender.  His official written reply:  "Nuts!"

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Today-------NASCAR Hall-of-Famer David Pearson is 79, Actor Hector Elizondo is 77, Screenwriter Martin Sherman is 75, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Steve Carlton is 69, ABC News anchor Diane Sawyer is 68, Rock musician Rick Nielson (Cheap Trick) is 67, Baseball All-Star Steve Garvey is 65, Actor Graham Beckel is 64, Golfer Jan Stephenson is 62 and Actress Bern Nadette Stanis is 60.

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December 22nd is:  National Haiku Poetry Day.

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Quip for the day.........It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------oh no.......

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

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In 1783, following the signing of the Treaty of Paris, General George Washington resigned as Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army and returned to his home in Mount Vernon, Virginia.

In 1823, the poem "Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas" was published anonymously in the Troy (NY) Sentinel.  The verse known as "Twas the Night Before Christmas" was later attributed to Clement C. Moore.

In 1913, the Federal Reserve System was created as President Woodrow Wilson signed the Federal Reserve Act.

In 1986, the experimental airplane Voyager completed the first non-stop, non-refueled round-the-world flight as it returned to Edwards Air Force Base.

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Today-----Actor Gerald S. O'Loughlin is 92, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Kurland is 89, Poet Robert Bly is 87, Actor Ronnie Schell is 82, NFL Hall-of-Famer Paul Hornung is 78, Actor-producer James Stacy is 77, Guitarist Jorma Kaukonen (Jefferson Airplane) is 73, Actor-comedian Harry Shearer is 70, Actress Susan Lucci is 67, Former NFL player Jack Ham is 65, Guitarist Adrian Belew (King Crimson) is 64 and Guitarist Anthony Phillips (Genesis) is 62.

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December 23rd is:  Festivus.

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Quip for the day........I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

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Larryj