another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one......

A tough old drill sergeant was known for his lack of tact.  One day the captain approached him and told him that their was some bad news for Private Smith about the death of his father.  The captain requested the sergeant handle it gently.  The sergeant nodded okay.

At roll call, he said, "Private Smith, when you call home tonight and your father doesn't answer, that's because he's dead."  Private Smith broke down in tears. 

The next day, the captain berated the sergeant for not handling that situation tactfully and told him that there was more bad news and this time he was to handle it correctly.  "Private Gomez's mother passed away.  Let him know gently."

At roll call, the old sergeant called out, "All you maggots with living mothers, step forward.  Not so fast, Gomez."

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Today is Friday, November 22, the 326th day of the year.  There are 39 days left in the year.

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In 1718, English pirate Edward Teach -- better known as "Blackbeard" -- was killed during a battle off present-day North Carolina.

In 1950, two Long Island Railroad commuter trains collided in Queens, New York, killing 79 people.

In 1963, President John F. Kennedy was shot to death during a motorcade in Dallas, Texas.  Texas Gov. John B. Connally, in the same open car as the president, was seriously wounded.  A suspect, Lee Harvey Oswald, was arrested.

In 1972, during the Vietnam War, the U.S. lost its first B-52 bomber to be shot down by a surface-to-air missile.

In 1988, the Northrup B-2 "stealth" bomber was shown publicly for the first time in Palmdale, California.

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Today-----Director Arthur Hiller is 90, Actor Robert Vaughn is 81, Animator-movie director Terry Gilliam is 73,  NHL Hall-of-Famer Yvan Cournoyer is 70, International Tennis Hall-of-Famer Billy Jean King is 70 and  Actor Steven Zandt is 63.

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November 22nd is:  Humane Society Anniversary Day.

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Quip for the day........How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Note:  my apologies for missing yesterday.  I was out of town and way too tired when I got home, but here is.......Today's........entitled "Say cheese"....

The dead bodies of three politicians all happened to turn up at the mortuary on the same day. What was even stranger, was that all three came in with very big smiles on their faces. The medical examiner calls in the police inspector to show him what has happened. The Inspector arrives and is taken to the first body.

"He was a congressman, he was 64 years old. The cause of death was a heart attack, which occurred while he was making love to his mistress. Which explains the big smile on his face, Sir," says the medical examiner.

They move to inspect the body of the next dead politician.

"This man was a senator, he was 69, and made millions from kickbacks on government procurement contracts. He blew all the money on whiskey. He died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

"So far, nothing we haven't seen many times", thinks the policeman, as the medical examiner takes him over to the third and final body.

"Well," says the medical examiner. "This is a rather unusual case. This governor was 48 years old, and died when he was struck by a bolt of lightning."

"Well, why is he smiling then?` inquires the police inspector.

The medical officer replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

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Today is Sunday, November 24, the 328th day of the year.  There are 37 days left in the year.

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In 1784, future president Zachary Taylor was born in Barboursville, Virginia.

In 1941, the U.S. Supreme Court, in Edwards v. California, unanimously struck down a California law prohibiting people from bringing impoverished non-residents into the state.

In 1960, NBA star Wilt Chamberlain snagged 55 rebounds in a game against the Boston Celtics, setting a NBA record for the most rebounds in a single game.

In 1963, Jack Ruby shot and mortally wounded Lee Harvey Oswald, the accused assassin of President John F. Kennedy, in a scene captured on live TV.

In 1971, hijacker D.B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Orient Airlines 727 over Washington State into a raging thunderstorm with $200,000 in ransom money.

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Today-------Former NHL player Eddie Johnson is 78, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Oscar Robertson is 75, Rock drummer Pete Best is 72, Actor-comedian Billy Connolly is 71, Former NBA player Dave Bing is 70, Musician Bev Bevan (Electric Light Orchestra) is 68, Singer Lee Michaels is 68, Actor Dwight Schultz is 66, Actor Joe Howard is 65 and Former NBA player Rudy Tomjanovich is 65.

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November 24th is:  Celebrate Your Unique Talent Day, D.B. Cooper Day and Mother Goose Day.

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Quip for the day........What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls down.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------it's Thanksgiving week and I sadly apologize for the following........

Q:  What do turkeys eat on Thanksgiving?
A:  Nothing.  They're stuffed.

Q:  Why do turkeys always go gobble, gobble?
A:  Because they never learn good table manners.

Q:  What do vampires call Thanksgiving?
A:  Fangs-giving.

Q:  What's the best way to stuff a turkey?
A:  Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream.

Q:  What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit?
A:  A poultrygeist.

(groan)

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Today is Monday, November 25, the 329th day of the year.  There are 36 days left in the year.

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In 1783, the British evacuated New York during the American Revolution.

In 1950, the so-called "storm of the century" hit the eastern part of the United States killing hundreds and causing millions of dollars in damages.

In 1963, the body of President John F. Kennedy was laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery.  First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy lighted an "eternal flame" at the gravesite.

In 1986, the Iran-Contra affair erupted as President Ronald Reagan and Attorney General Edwin Meese revealed that profits from secret arms sales to Iran had been diverted to Nicaraguan rebels.

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Today-------Actress Noel Neill is 93, Playwright Murray Schisgal is 87, Singer Percy Sledge is 73, Football coach Joe Gibbs is 73, Author-actor-economist Ben Stein is 69, Children's author Marc Brown is 67, Actor John Larroquette is 66 and Mystery writer Charlaine Harris is 62.

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November 25th is:  International Day For The Elimination Of Violence Against Women, Blase' Day and Shopping Reminder Day (29 more days until Christmas.)

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Quip for the day......Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oldie but goodie........

Jay went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.  Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week and I'll cure you."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll think about it."

Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again? asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."

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Today is Tuesday, November 26, the 330th day of the year.  There are 35 days left in the year.

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In 1878, a powerful early winter storm battered New England killing at least 450 people in New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts.

In 1933, a judge in New York decided the James Joyce book "Ulysses" was not obscene and could therefore be published in the United States.

In 1941, President Franklin D. Roosevelt reversed an earlier decision of his and officially declared the fourth Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day.

In 1942, the motion picture "Casablanca," starring Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman, had its world premiere at the Hollywood Theater in New York.

In 1973, President Nixon's personal secretary, Rose Mary Woods, told a federal court that she had accidentally caused part of the 18 1/2-minute gap in a Watergate tape.

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Today---Impressionist Rich Little is 75, Singer Tina Turner is 74, Actress Olivia Cole is 71, Actor Daniel Davis is 68, Pop musician John McVie is 68, Former NFL Hall-of-Famer Art Shell is 67 and Former NFL Hall-of-Famer Harry Carson in 60.

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November 26th is:  National Cake Day.

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Quip for the day........I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------good one......

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well, honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replies" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

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Today is Wednesday, November 27, the 331st day of the year.  There are 34 days left in the year.

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In 1868, Lt. Col. George Armstrong Custer led an early morning raid on a band of peaceful Cheyenne Indians killing 103 men, women and children near present-day Cheyenne, Oklahoma.

In 1901, the U.S. Army War College was established in Washington, D.C.

In 1910, the Pennsylvania Railroad began regularly serving New York's Pennsylvania Station.

In 1953, playwright Eugene O'Neill died at age 65.

In 1978, former Board of Supervisors Dan White murdered Mayor George Moscone and Supervisor Harvey Milk at City Hall in San Francisco, California.

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Today-----Author Gail Sheehy is 76, Actor James Avery is 65, Academy Award-winning director Kathryn Bigelow is 62 and Actor Curtis Armstrong is 60.

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November 27th is:  National Day Of Listening and Tie One On Day.

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Quip for the day.........I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

It was during the football practice when a huge turkey walked up to the coach and asked to be put on the team.  The coach looked at the turkey and said, "What?  Are you crazy?  I can't put a turkey on the team!

With that the turkey ambled onto the field and when the quarterback threw a pass the turkey intercepted it in the end zone and ran back 100 yards for a touchdown.  Then he kicked the ball for the extra point.  On another play, he scooted around the defenders and sacked the quarterback.

The coach was really impressed and offered the turkey a starting position with a huge salary and a terrific signing bonus.

The turkey said, "Forget all that money stuff.  Just tell me if the season goes past Thanksgiving!"

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Today is Thursday, November 28, the 332nd day of the year.  There are 33 days left in the year.

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In 1861, the Confederate Congress admitted Missouri as the 12th state of the Confederacy after Missouri's disputed secession from the Union.

In 1925, The Grand Ole Opry began broadcasting live from Nashville, Tennessee.  It was originally called "The Barn Dance."

In 1943, President Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill and Soviet leader Josef Stalin began conferring in Tehran during World War II.

In 1964, during the early-60s girl-group explosion, the Shangri-Las scored their first and only #1 hit with "Leader of the pack."

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Today-----Motown Records producer Barry Gordy Jr. is 84, Film writer Avery Corman is 78, Singer-songwriter Bruce Channel is 73, NFL Hall-of-Famer Paul Warfield is 71, Singer Randy Newman is 70, CBS News correspondent Susan Spencer is 67, Film maker Joe Dante is 67, "Late Show" orchestra leader Paul Shaffer is 64, Actor Ed Harris is 63, Former NASA teacher in space Barbara Morgan is 62 and Actress E. Epatha Merkerson is 61.

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November 28th is:  Thanksgiving, Turkey-free Thanksgiving and National Day Of Mourning.

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Quip for the day---Hope your turkey is moist and your stuffing is fluffy and when you're done eating you'll be nice and stuffy.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oopsies.....

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.  The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

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Today is Friday, November 29, the 333rd day of the year.  Thee are 32 days left in the year.

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in 1775, the Second Continental Congress met in Philadelphia to establish a Committee of Secret Correspondence.

In 1864, a Colorado Militia killed at least 150 peaceful Cheyenne Indians in the Sand Creek Massacre.

In 1967, Robert S. McNamara announced he will resign as Secretary of Defense and will become president of the World Bank.

In 1981, actress Natalie Wood drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island in California at age 43.

In 1986, Actor Cary Grant died in Davenport, Iowa, at age 82.

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Today---Baseball Hall-of-Fame sportscaster Vin Scully is 86, Actress Diane Ladd is 81, Musician John Mayall is 80, Artist James Rosenquist is 80, Composer-musician Chuck Mangione is 73, Comedian Gary Shandling is 64, Actor Jeff Fahey is 61 and Artist Alex Gray is 60.

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November 29th is:  Black Friday, Buy Nothing Day, Electronic Greetings Day, Flossing Day, International Day of Solidarity With The Palestinian People, Maize Day, National Native American Heritage Day, Sinkie Day and You're Wecomegiving Day.

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Quip for the day.....I fell in love at first sight.  I should have looked twice.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----two short ones.....

Sally just couldn't understand what was going on with her answering machine.  She was getting messages from friends and family that just said "Beep."  Finally, she went to another phone and called her machine and heard, "Hi, this is Sally.  Please leave a beep after the message."

A man who was stranded on a deserted island was jumping up and down and waving as a cruise ship was passing by.  Some of the passengers asked the captain who the man was.  The captain said, "I don't know, but every year when we pass by here he goes nuts."

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Today is Saturday, November 30, the 334th day of the year.  There are 31 days left in the year.

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In 1782, the United States and Britain signed preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.

In 1803, Spain completed the process of ceding Louisiana to France, which had sold it to the United States.

In 1835, Samuel Langhorne Clemens, better known as Mark Twain, was born in Florida, Missouri.

In 1982, the Michael Jackson album "Thriller" was released.

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Today-----Actor Efrem Zimbalist Jr. is 95, Actor Robert Guillaume is 86, Watergate conspirator G. Gordon Liddy is 83, Movie director Ridley Scott is 76, Film director Terrence Malick is 70, Actor Mandy Patinkin is 61 and Musician Shuggie Otis is 60.

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November 30th is:  Computer Security Day, National Meth Awareness Day, Small Business Saturday and Stay Home Because You're Well Day.

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Quip for the day........Views expressed by husbands are not necessarily those of the management.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----someone might not have heard these......

Entitled.........Only in America......

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

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Today is Sunday, December 1, the 335th day of the year.  There are 30 days left in the year.

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In 1824, the presidential election went to the House of Representatives in a deadlock; John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, William H. Crawford and Henry Clay.  Adams won.

In 1913, the first drive-in automobile service station, Gulf Refining Co., opened in Pittsburgh.

In 1913, Henry Ford installed the first moving assembly line for the mass production of automobiles.

In 1955, Rosa Parks, a black seamstress, refused to give up her seat to a white man on a Montgomery, Alabama, city bus.  She was arrested, sparking a yearlong boycott of the buses by blacks.

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Today-----Singer Billy Paul is 79, Actor-director Woody Allen is 78, Drummer Sandy Nelson is 75, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Lee Trevino is 74, Singer Dianne Lennon (Lennon Sisters) is 74, Television producer David Salzman is 70, Rock musician John Densmore (The Doors) is 69, Actress-singer Bette Midler is 68, Former MLB player George Foster is 65, Actor Keith Thibodeaux is 63 and Actor Treat Williams is 62.

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December 1st is:  Advent, Bifocals At The Monitor Liberation Day, Civil Air Patrol Day, Day With(Out) Art Day, Rosa Parks Day, XTERRA Championships and World Aids Day.

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Quip for the day.....The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny....

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."

They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.

He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."

And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."

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Today is Monday, December 2, the 336th day of the year.  There are 29 days left in the year.

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In 1823, in his annual address to Congress, President James Monroe proclaimed a new U.S. foreign policy known as the Monroe Doctrine which forbade European interference in the American Hemisphere.

In 1859, Abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harpers Ferry the previous October.

In 1954, the Senate voted to condemn Wisconsin Republican Joseph R. McCarthy for conduct that "tends to bring the Senate into disrepute."

In 2001, in one of the largest bankruptcies in U.S. history, Enron filed for Chapter 11 protection.

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Today----Illustrator Jack Davis is 89, NFL Hall-of-Famer Willie Brown is 73, TV personality Cathy Lee Crosby is 69, Movie director Penelope Spheeris is 68, Film writer Benedict Fitzgerald is 64 and PGA champion golfer Jay Haas is 60.

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December 2nd is:  Cyber Monday, International Day For The Abolition Of Slavery, National Mutt Day and Special Education Day.

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Quip for the day.........My wife complained about not being wanted so I went to the Post Office and put up her picture.

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Larryj