another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's---oldie, but goodie........

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye..

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Today is Tuesday, November 12, the 316th day of the year.  There are 49 days left in the year.

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In 1864, Union Gen. William T. Sherman ordered the destruction of the business district of Atlanta.

In 1942, the World War II Battle of Guadalcanal began.

In 1954, Ellis Island shut its doors after processing more than 12 million immigrants since opening in 1892.

In 1969, news of the My Lai Massacre in South Vietnam in March 1968 was broken by reporter Seymour Hersh.

In 1981, actor William Holden died at his home in Santa Monica, California, at age 63.

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Today-------Actor Wallace Shawn is 70, Sportscaster Al Michaels is 69, Folk singer Neil Young is 68 and Guitarist Buck Dharma is 66.

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Quip for the day...My ex-wife's other car is a broom.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------good one....

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"

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Today is Wednesday, November 13, the 317th day of the year.  There are 48 days left in the year.

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In 1789, Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter to a friend, Jean-Baptiste Leroy, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."

In 1849, voters in California ratified the state's original constitution.

In 1956, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public city and state buses.

In 1971, the U.S. space probe Mariner 9 went into orbit around Mars.

In 1982, the Vietnam Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, D.C.

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Today-----Actress Madeleine Sherwood is 91, Journalist-author Peter Arnett is 79, Writer-director Garry Marshall is 79, Former MLB pitcher Mel Stottlemyre is 72, Actor Joe Mantagna is 66, Actress-model Adele Lutz is 65, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Gil Pirreault is 63 and Actress Frances Conroy is 60.

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November 13th is:  World Kindness Day.

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Quip for the day....Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children cope with teenagers of their own.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------haha.......

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;
If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

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Today is Thursday, November 14, the 318th day of the year.  There are 47 days left in the year.

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In 1851, Herman Melville's novel "Moby-Dick, Or, The Whale" was first published.

In 1889, inspired by Jules Verne, New York World reporter Nellie Bly (Elizabeth Cochrane) set out to travel around the world in fewer than 80 days.  (She made the trip in 72 days.)

In 1969, Apollo 12 blasted off for the moon.

In 1970, a chartered jet carrying the Marshall University football team crashed in West Virginia.

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Today------Actress Kathleen Hughes is 85, Former MLB All-Star Jimmy Piersall is 84, Former NASA astronaut Fred Haise is 80, Jazz musician Ellis Marsallis is 79, Writer P.J. O'Rourke is 66, Britain's Prince Charles is 65, Guitarist-singer-songwriter James Young (Styx) is 64 and Disney voice actor Bill Farmer is 61.

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November 14th is:  International Girls Day, Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day, National American Teddy Bear Day, National Spicy Guacamole Day, National Pickle Day, Spirit Of The National Speakers Association Day and World Diabetes Day.

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Quip for the day....The best exercise:  Reach down and pull somebody up.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah....

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.

They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

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Today is Friday, November 15, the 319th day of the year.  There are 46 days left in the year.

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In 1777, the Second Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation.

In 1806, explorer Zebulon Pike sighted the mountaintop now known as Colorado's Pikes Peak.

In 1956, "Love Me Tender," a movie featuring singer Elvis Presley in his big-screen debut, premiered in New York City.

In 1966, the flight of the Gemini 12 ended successfully as astronauts James A. Lovell and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin Jr. splashed down safely.

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Today-------TV Judge Joseph Wapner is 94, Artist Wayne Thiebaud is 93, Singer C.W. McCall is 85, Actor Ed Asner is 84, Singer Petula Clark is 81, Actor Yaphet Kotto is 74, Actor Sam Waterston is 73, Singer Frida Lyngstad (ABBA) is 68, Actress Judith Chapman is 62 and R&B singer Alexander O'Neal is 60.

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November 15th is:  America Recycles Day, I Love To Write Day, National Bundt Pan Day, National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day and National Philanthropy Day.

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Quip for the day......There's a strange thing about memory........danged if I can remember what it is.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------good one.......long one......



A pastor concluded that his Church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the Church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the Church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the Church."  "Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"  Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the Church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the Church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."  Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Paul interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

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Today is Saturday, November 16, the 320th day of the year.  There are 45 days left in the year.

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In 1776, British troops captured Fort Washington in New York during the American Revolution.

In 1907, Oklahoma became the 46th state.

In 1933, the United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.

In 1959, "The Sound Of Music" opened on Broadway.

In 1960, Academy Award-winning actor Clark Gable died at age 59.

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Today----Actor Clu Gulager is 84, Journalist Elizabeth Drew is 78, Blues musician W.C. Clark is 74, Actor David Leisure is 63 and Actor Miguel Sandoval is 62.

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November 16th is:  Guinness World Record Day, International Day For Tolerance, National Button Day and National Day Of Play.

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Quip for the day.......I misplaced my dictionary.  Now I'm at a loss for words.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----funny......

A teenage boy is about to go on his first official date.  He is highly nervous about it.  He asks his father what do you do, what do you say on a first date.  His father replied, "Talk about food, family and philosophy.  Girls love to talk about those things."

The boy takes the girl to a restaurant and there is silence.....uncomfortable silence.  Then the boy remembers his fathers advice and says, "Do you like spinach?"  The girl answers, "No."  More silence.

Then the boy asks the girl, "Do you have a brother?"  The girl says, "No."  More silence.

Finally, the boy says, "Well, if you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

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Today is Sunday, November 17, the 321st day of the year.  There are 44 days left in the year.

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In 1777, Congress sent the Articles of Confederation to the states for ratification.

In 1800, Congress held its first session in Washington in the partially completed Capitol building.

In 1962, Washington's Dulles International Airport was dedicated by President John F. Kennedy.

In 1970, the court-martial began in the case of Lt. William Calley who had led his men in the massacre of the My Lai village in Vietnam.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon told a group of reporters that "he was not a crook."

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Today---------Rock musician Gerry McGee (The Ventures) is 76, Singer Gordon Lightfoot is 75, Movie director Martin Scorsese is 71, Actress Lauren Hutton is 70, Actor-director Danny DeVito is 69, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Tom Seaver is 69, Producer Lorne Michaels is 69, NBA Hall-of-Famer Elvin Hayes is 68, Guitarist Martin Barre (Jethro Tull) is 67 and Voice actor Stephen Root is 62.

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November 17th is:  Homemade Bread Day, National Unfriend Day, Playmobil's National Day of Play, World Day of Remembrance For Road Traffic Victims and World Prematurity Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day.......To err is human.  To blame someone else is politics.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------really funny......

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , "Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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Today is Monday, November 18, the 322nd day of the year.  There are 43 days left in the year.

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In 1883, the U.S. and Canada adopted a system of Standard Time zones.

In 1886, former President Chester Alan Arthur died from complications from a kidney ailment known as Bright's Disease.

In 1928, Walt Disney's first sound-synchronized animated cartoon, "Steamboat Willie" starring Mickey Mouse premiered in New York.

In 1966, Sandy Koufax, ace pitcher for the Los Angeles Dodgers, retired at age 30.

In 1978, Rep. Leo J. Ryan and four others were killed in Jonestown, Guyana, by members of the People's Temple.

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Today-----Actress Brenda Vaccaro is 74, Actress Linda Evans is 71, Actress Susan Sullivan is 71, Singer-actress Amanda Lear is 67, Actor Jameson Parker is 66, Children's author Jeremy Strong is 64, Actor Delroy Lindo is 61 and Comedian Kevin Nealon is 60.

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November 18th is:  Married To A Scorpio Support Day, Mickey Mouse Day and Push Button Phone Day.

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Quip for the day.....Real women don't have hot flashes......they have power surges.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----oh no........

Two cowboys are riding their horses together on the prairie. They come upon a big pile of manure. The first cowboy says to the second, "I will bet you a $1000 that I can eat all of that." The second cowboy agrees, so the first cowboy eats the entire pile and wins $1000.

The two cowboys ride on and after some time come across another pile of manure. This time the second cowboy bets the first that he too can eat the whole pile for $1000. The first cowboy agrees and the second cowboy eats the entire pile and wins the bet.

They ride on again. After a while the first cowboy says to the second, "Do you realize that we just ate a whole pile of manure for nothing?"

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Today is Tuesday, November 19, the 323rd day of the year.  There are 42 days left in the year.

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In 1794, the United States and Britain signed Jay's Treaty, which resolved some issues left over from the Revolutionary War.

In 1831, the 20th president of the United States, James Garfield, was born in Orange Township, Ohio.

In 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address as he dedicated a national cemetery at the site of the Civil War battlefield in Pennsylvania.

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Today----Actor Alan Young is 94, Talk show host Larry King  is 80, Talk show host Dick Cavett is 77, Broadcast mogul Ted Turner is 75, Actor Dan Haggerty is 72, Fashion designer Calvin Klein is 71, Poet Sharon Olds is 71 and Former NFL player and sportscaster Ahmad Rashad is 64.

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November 19th is:  American Made Matters Day, Equal Opportunity Day (aka Gettysburg Address Day), Have A Bad Day Day, International Men's Day, Rocky And Bullwinkle Day and World Toilet Day.

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Quip for the day....Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----funny....

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

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Today is November 20, the 324th day of the year.  There are 41 days left in the year.

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In 1789, New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights.

In 1923, the U.S. Patent Office granted Patent No. 1,475,074 to 46-year-old inventor and newspaperman Garrett Morgan for his three-position traffic signal.

In 1967, the U.S. Census Bureau's Population Clock at the Commerce Department ticked past 200 million.

In 1969, the Nixon administration announced a halt to residential use of the pesticide DDT as part of a total phaseout.

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Today------- Actress-singer Kaye Ballard is 88, Actress Estelle Parsons is 86, Comedian Dick Smothers is 74,
Singer Norman Greenbaum is 71, Actress Veronica Hamel is 70, Musician Joe Walsh (The Eagles) is 66, Actor Richard Masur is 65, Opera singer Barbara Hendricks is 65 and Voice actor Rodger Bumpass is 62.

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November 20th is:  African Industrialization Day, Geographic Information Systems Day, Globally Organized Hug A Runner Day, Name Your PC Day, National Educational Support Professionals Day, National Peanut Butter Fudge Day, Transgender Day Of Remembrance and Universal Children's Day.

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Quip for the day.........If you like your passport picture you probably need the trip.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------aha........

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time, lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

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Today is Thursday, November 21, the 325th day of the year.  There are 40 days left in the year.

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In 1922, Rebecca L. Felton of Georgia was sworn in as the first woman to serve in the U.S. Senate.

In 1931, the Universal horror film "Frankenstein," starring Boris Karloff as the monster and Colin Clive as his creator, was first released.

In 1942, the Alaska Highway was formally opened.

In 1980, 350 million people tuned into television's popular drama "Dallas" to find out who shot J.R. Ewing.

In 1995, the Dow Jones Industrial average closed above the 5,000 mark for the first time.

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Today-----Actor Joe Campanella is 86, Country singer Jean Shepard is 80, Actress Marlo Thomas is 76, Actor Rick Lenz is 74, Musician-singer-songwriter Dr. John is 73, Actress Juliette Mills is 72, Comedian-director Harold Ramis is 69, Former NBA player Earl Monroe is 69, Actress Goldie Hawn is 68 and Actress-singer Lorna Luft is 61.

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November 21st is:  Alsattalo Day, Beaujois Nouveau Day, Great American Smokeout, Use Less Stuff Day, World Hello Day and World Television Day.

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Quip for the day...Not many people realize how well known I am.

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Larryj