another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's--------good one.....

A man returned to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the front end of the car. There was no sign of the offending vehicle, but he was relieved to see that there was a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

The note read: "Sorry I just backed into your car. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars....but I'm not."

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Today is Wednesday, October 23, the 296th day of the year.  There are 69 days left in the year.

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In 1855, in opposition to the fraudulently elected pro-slavery legislature of Kansas, the Kansas Free State set up a governor and legislature under their Topeka Constitution, a document that outlawed slavery in their territory.

In 1864, forces led by Union Gen. Samuel R. Curtis repelled Confederate Gen. Sterling Price's army in the Civil War Battle of Westport in Missouri

In 1910, Blanche S. Scott became the first woman to make a solo airplane flight, reaching an altitude of 12 feet at a park in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

In 1973, President Richard M. Nixon agreed to turn over White House tape recordings subpoenaed by a special prosecutor to Judge John J. Sirica.

In 1983, a suicide bomber drove a truck with 2,000 pounds of explosives into a U.S. Marine Corps barracks at the Beirut International Airport, killing 220 Marines, 18 sailors and 3 soldiers.

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Today---------Baseball Hall-of-Famer and former U.S. Sen. Jim Bunning, R-Ky., is 82, Movie director Philip Kaufman is 77 and Former Soccer player Pele is 77.

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October 23rd is:  IPod Day, Medical Assistants Recognition Day, National Mole Day, Swallows Depart From Capistrano Day and TV Talk Show Host Day.

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Quip for the day......I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------funny........

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.  So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.

She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the
brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."

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Today is Thursday, October 24, the 297th day of the year.  There are 68 days left in the year.

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In 1861, the first transcontinental telegraph message was sent by Chief Justice Stephen J. Field of California from San Francisco to President Abraham Lincoln in Washington, D.C., over a line built by the Western Union Telegraph Company.

In 1901, a 63-year-old school teacher named Annie Edson Taylor became the first person to take the plunge over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

In 1940, the 40-hour work week went into effect under the Fair Labor Act of 1938.

In 1945, the United Nations officially came into existence as its charter took effect.

In 1951, President Harry S. Truman officially declared an end to World War II.

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Today-------Football Hall-of-Famer Y.A. Tittle is 87, Composer George Crumb is 84, Rock musician Bill Wyman is 77, Actor F. Murray Abraham is 74 and Actor Kevin Kline is 66.

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October 24th is:  Food Day, United Nations Day and World Development Information Day.

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Quip for the day.......Always do the right thing.  This will gratify some and astonish the rest.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------good one.....

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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Today is Friday, October 25, the 298th day of the year.  There are 67 days left in the year.

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In 1910, "America the Beautiful," with words by Katharine Lee Bates and music by Samuel A. Ward, was first published.

In 1944, during the Battle of Leyte Gulf, the Japanese deployed kamikaze suicide bombers against American warships for the first time.

In 1960, the Bulova Watch Company introduced its electronic Accutron model.

In 1983, President Ronald Reagan ordered U.S. Marines to invade and secure the safety of American nationals on the island of Grenada.

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Today--------Singer-actress Barbara Cook is 86, Actress Marion Ross is 85, Country singer Jeanne Black is 76, Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bobby Knight is 73, Singer Helen Reddy is 72, Singer-songwriter Jon Anderson (Yes) is 69, Guitarist Glenn Tipton (Judas Priest) is 66, Former NBA player-coach Dave Cowens is 65 and Television and movie actor Brian Kerwin is 64.

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October 25th is:  Chucky The Notorious Killer Doll Day, International Artists Day, National Pharmacy Buyer Day, Sourest Day, World Pasta Day, International Bandana Day and National Breadsticks Day.

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Quip for the day......If I can be of any help, you're in worse shape than I thought.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------hah........

With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been formed called "Marriage Anonymous." Whenever a guy feels like getting married, they send over a woman with curlers in her hair, cream on her face and wearing a torn housecoat to nag him out of it.

(and just for my buddy, Jarhead....... )

Q.  What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?

A.  Platoon.

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Today is Saturday, October 26, the 299th day of the year.  There are 66 days left in the year.

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In 1774, the first Continental Congress adjourned in Philadelphia.

In 1825, the Erie Canal opened in upstate New York, connecting Lake Erie with the Hudson River.

In 1861, the legendary Pony Express officially ceased operations, giving way to the transcontinental telegraph.  (The last run of the Pony Express was completed the following month.)

In 1864, the notorious Confederate guerrilla leader William "Bloody Bill" Anderson was killed in Missouri in a Union ambush.

In 1881, the "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral" took place in Tombstone, Arizona.

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Today------Actor Bob Hoskins is 71, Author Pat Conroy is 68, Actress Jaclyn Smith is 68, Game show host Pat Sajak is 67, Singer Bootsie Collins is 62, Filmmaker-director Julian Schnabel is 62, Children's author Tony Abbott is 61, Actress Lauren Tewes is 60 and Actor Roger Allam is 60.

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October 26th is:  Make A Difference Day, Mule Day (historical) and National Forgiveness Day.

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Quip for the day.....If you can't get the skeletons out of your closet, you'd best teach them to dance.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------good one.....

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, "it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"

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Today is Sunday, October 27, the 300th day of the year.  There are 65 days left in the year.

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In 1787, the first of the Federalist Papers, a series of essays calling for ratification of the United States Constitution, was published under the pseudonym "Publius."

In 1858, future 26th president Theodore Roosevelt was born in New York City.

In 1904, New York City Mayor George McClellan took the controls on the inaugural run of the city's new rapid transit system:  the subway.

In 1970, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice released a double-LP album, Jesus Christ Superstar.

in 2012, residents in the eastern U.S. braced for Superstorm Sandy.

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Today------Actress Nanette Fabray is 93, Actress Ruby Dee is 91, MLB Hall-of-Famer Ralph Kiner is 91, Actor-comedian John Cleese is 74, Country singer Lee Greenwood is 71, Producer-director Ivan Reitman is 67, Actor-singer Tom Jackson is 65, Musician Garry Tallent is 64, Actress-sportscaster Jayne Kennedy is 62, Musician K.K. Downing (Judas Priest) is 62, Actor Peter Firth is 60 and Actor Robert Picardo is 60.

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October 27th is:  Cranky Co-workers Day, Navy Day, Mother-In-Law Day, Reformation Sunday and Visit A Cemetery Day.

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Quip for the day.....A bad habit never disappears miraculously, it's a undo-it-yourself project.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------hah..........

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

He says "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

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Today is Monday, October 28, the 301st day of the year.  There are 64 days left in the year.

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In 1886, the Statue of Liberty was dedicated in New York Harbor by President Grover Cleveland.

In 1919, Congress enacted the Volstead Act, which provided for enforcement of Prohibition.

In 1962, the Cuban Missile Crisis ended as Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev agreed to remove Russian missiles from Cuba.

In 1965, construction was completed on the Gateway Arch, a spectacular 630-foot high parabola of stainless steel marking the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in St. Louis, Missouri.

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Today-----Vocalist Cleo Laine is 86, Actress Joan Plowright is 84, Country musician Charlie Daniels is 77, NBA Hall-of-Famer Lenny Wilkins is 76, Actress Jane Alexander is 74, Rock musician Hank Marvin (The Shadows) is 72, Actor Dennis Franz is 69, Actress-singer Telma Hopkins is 65, Olympic track-and-field gold medalist Bruce Jenner is 64 and Actress Annie Potts is 61.

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October 28th is:  National Chocolates Day, Lung Health Day and St. Jude's Day.

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Quip for the day.........Bad spellers of the world...UNTIE!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------yep.......

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?," he asks the shop assistant.

She responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

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Today is Tuesday, October 29, the 302nd day of the year.  There are 63 days left in the year.

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In 1858, the first store opened in a small frontier town in the Colorado Territory that a month later took the name of Denver in a shameless ploy to curry favor with Kansas Territorial Governor James W. Denver.

In 1901, President William McKinley's assassin, Leon Czolgosz, was executed in the electric chair at Auburn Prison in New York.

In 1929, Wall Street crashed on "Black Tuesday" heralding the beginning of America's Great Depression.  (A standing joke in our family........my oldest brother was born five days before the crash and that was the reason for the crash!)

In 1948, killer smog hovered over Donora, Pennsylvania.  Over a five day period the smog killed about 20 people and made thousands more seriously ill.

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Today-----Grammy Award winning singer Melba Moore is 68, Musician Peter Green (Fleetwood Mac) is 67, Actor Richard Dreyfuss is 66 and Actress Kate Jackson is 65.

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October 29th is:  Internet Day, National Cat Day and World Psoriasis Day.

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Quip for the day........For Sale:  Nordic Track, hardly used, call 555-1234, ask for Chubby.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's........hah......

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that entitles me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

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Today is Wednesday, October 30, the 303rd day of the year.  There are 62 days left in the year.

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In 1864, the town of Helena, Montana, was founded by four gold miners who struck it rich in the appropriately named "Last Chance Gulch."

In 1893, the U.S. Senate gave final congressional approval to repealing the Sherman Silver Act of 1890.

In 1921, the silent film classic "The Sheik," starring Rudolph Valentino, premiered in Los Angeles.

In 1938, the radio play "The War Of The Worlds," starring Orson Welles, aired on CBS.  (The live drama, which employed fake breaking news reports, panicked some listeners who thought the portrayal of a Martian invasion was real.)

In 1974, 32-year-old Muhammad Ali became the heavyweight champion of the world for the second time when he knocked out George Foreman in the eighth round of "The rumble in the jungle" in Zaire.

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Today-----Former NFL coach Dick Vermeil is 77, Actor Dick Gautier is 76, Rock singer Grace Slick is 74, Songwriter Eddie Holland is 74, Soul singer Otis Williams (The Temptations) is 72, Actor Henry Winkler is 68, Rock musician Chris Slade (AC/DC) is 67, TV Journalist Andrea Mitchell is 67, Singer Timothy B. Schmit (Eagles) is 66 and Actor Harry Hamlin is 62.

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October 30th is:  Checklist Day, Create A Great Funeral Day, Devil's Night, Haunted Refrigerator Night and National Candy Corn Day.

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Quip for the day......Some days it feels like the whole world is a tuxedo and I'm a pair of brown shoes.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------funny....

When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

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Today is Thursday, October 31, the 304th day of the year.  There are 61 days left in the year.

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In 1864, Nevada became the 36th state.

In 1926, magician Harry Houdini died in Detroit of gangrene and peritonitis from a ruptured appendix.

In 1950, 21-year-old Earl Lloyd became the first African-American to play in a NBA game in the season opener for the Washington Capitols.

In 1993, 23-year-old actor River Phoenix died from a drug overdose outside a Hollywood nightclub.

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Today---Actress Lee Grant is 88, Former astronaut Michael Collins is 83, Former CBS anchorman Dan Rather is 82, Actor David Ogden Stiers is 71, Actor Stephen Rea is 67, Actress Deidre Hall is 66, Long distance runner Frank Shorter is 66 and News anchor Jane Pauley is 63.

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October 31st is:  Beggars' Night, Books For Treats Day, Girl Scout Founder's Day, Halloween, National Caramel Apple Day, National Knock-Knock Jokes Day, National Magic Day and National UNICEF Day.

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Quip for the day.....I'm not 40.  I am $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------hah.....

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

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Today is Friday, November 1, the 305th day of the year.  There are 60 days left in the year.

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In 1765, in face of widespread opposition, Parliament enacted the Stamp Act designed to raise revenue for British military operations in America.

In 1800, President John Adams moved into the President's House, the original name of the White House.

In 1950, two Puerto Rican nationalists tried to force their way into Blair House in Washington, D.C. to assassinate President Harry S. Truman.  The attempt failed, and one of the pair was killed, along with a White House police officer.

In 1952, the United States exploded the first hydrogen bomb, code-named "Ivy Mike."

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Today-----Golfer Gary Player is 78, Country singer Bill Anderson is 76, Actor Robert Foxworth is 72, Magazine publisher Larry Flynt is 71, Country singer-humorist Kinky Friedman is 69, WWE Hall-of-Famer Bobby Heenan is 69, Former NFL player Ted Hendricks is 66, Actress Belita Moreno is 64 and Music producer David Foster is 64.

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November 1st is:  All Saints Day, Give Up Your Shoulds Day, National Authors Day, National Family Literacy Day, National Go Cook For Your Pets Day, National Medical Science Liason Awareness & Appreciation Day, Prime Meridian Day, Pumpkin Chunkin' Days (1-3) and World Vegan Day.

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Quip for the day.......Travel is very educational.  I can now say Kaopectate in seven different languages.

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Larryj