another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----good one.....

Three old geezers in their 90's are jawboning in the park one day.  They get on the subject of death and dying.

"Just run me over with a truck," one of them says.  "That's the way I want to go.  Nice and fast."

The second one says, "Not me.  I'll just swim out into the ocean and nobody will ever see me again.  No muss, no fuss."

The third one sits silently with a dreamy smile on his face.  The first two prod him.  "How about you, Ernie?  How do you want to go?"

Ernie replies, "I want to be shot by a jealous husband."

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Today is Tuesday, September 3, the 246th day of the year.  There are 119 days left in the year.

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In 1777, The American flag was flown in battle for the first time during a Revolutionary War skirmish at Cooch's Bridge, Delaware.

In 1783, the U.S. and Britain signed the Treaty of Paris, which officially ended the Revolutionary War.

In 1943, Allied forces invaded Italy, the same day Italian officials signed a secret armistice with the Allies.

In 1976, Viking 2 touched down on Mars to take the first color photos of the planet's surface.

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Today------"Beetle Bailey" cartoonist Mort Walker is 90, Actress Anne Jackson is 87, Actress Irene Papas is 87, NBA coach Dick Motta is 82, Actress Pauline Collins is 73, Rock singer-musician Al Jardine is 71, Actress Valerie Perrine is 70, Rock musician Don Brewer is 65 and Author Kate White is 62.

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September 3rd is:  Another Look Unlimited Day.

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Quip for the day......How many roads must a man travel down.........before he admits he is lost.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------uh oh......

The Missionary and the Chief

A missionary, who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient, gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

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Today is Wednesday, September 4, the 247th day of the year.  There are 118 days left in the year.

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In 1781, Los Angeles was founded by Spanish settlers under Gov. Felipe de Neve.

In 1886, Apache chief Geronimo surrendered to U.S. Government troops making him the last Indian warrior to give in to U.S. forces.

In 1888, George Eastman received a patent for his roll-film box camera, and registered his trademark:  "Kodak."

In 1951, President Harry S. Truman spoke to the nation from the Japanese peace treaty conference in San Francisco, in the first live, coast-to-coast TV broadcast.

In 1957, Ford Motor Company unveiled the Edsel.  It ceased production after the 1960 model was built.

In 1962, The Beatles, with new drummer Ringo Starr, recorded "Love Me Do" at EMI Studios in London.

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Today-------Actress Mitzi Gaynor is 82, Olympic gold medal swimmer Dawn Fraser is 76, Actor Kenneth Kimmins is 72, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Raymond Floyd is 71, Actress Jennifer Salt is 69, Jazz musician Dave Liebman is 67, World Golf Hall-of-Famer Tom Watson is 64, Former MLB player Frank White is 63 and Actress Judith Ivey is 62.

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September 4th is:  Newspaper Carrier Day and Rosh Hashana.

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Quip for the day........There are only two times when I drink......when I'm alone or when I'm with someone.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------someone, somewhere hasn't heard this one.....

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa again says, "No, not now.  I don't really want to do that.  I'm in a grumpy mood.  Maybe later."

Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"

"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"

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Today is Thursday, September 5, the 248th day of the year.  There are 117 days left in the year.

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In 1774, the first Continental Congress assembled in Philadelphia.

In 1836, Sam Houston was elected president of the Republic of Texas.

In 1957, the novel "On The Road," by Jack Kerouac, was first published by Viking Press.

In 1972, terror struck the Munich Olympics as the Palestinian group Black September attacked the Israeli Olympic delegation; 11 Israelis, five guerillas and a police officer were killed.

In 1975, an assassination attempt against President Gerald R. Ford was foiled when a Secret Service agent grabbed a loaded gun from Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme in Sacramento, California.

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Today-----Comedian Bob Newhart is 84, Actress-singer Carol Lawrence is 81, MLB Hall-of-Famer Bill Mazeroski is 77, Actor William Devane is 74, Actress Raquel Welch is 73, Movie director Werner Herzog is 71, Singer Al Stewart is 68, Actor-director Dennis Dugan is 67, "Cathy" cartoonist Cathy Guisewite is 63 and Actor Michael Keaton is 62.

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September 5th is:  Be Late For Something Day and Jury Rights Day.

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Quip for the day......Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------oh no.......

A woman, pregnant with her first child, goes for her doctor's appointment.  After the exam is over, she shyly begins to ask, "My husband wants to know.........

"I know, I know," says the doctor.  "I get asked that all the time.  Sex is okay until late into the pregnancy."

"No," the woman says.  "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

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Today is Friday, September 6, the 249th day of the year.  There are 116 days left in the year.

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In 1620, Pilgrims sailed on the Mayflower from Plymouth, England, to settle in the New World.

In 1901, President William McKinley was shot by an anarchist and died eight days later.

In 1943, a high speed train traveling between New York City and Washington, D.C., derailed killing 79 people.

In 1995, Baltimore Orioles shortstop Cal Ripken Jr. played his 2,131st consecutive game breaking "Iron Horse" Lou Gehrig's record for most consecutive games played.

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Today-----Comedian Joanne Worley is 76, Country singer David Allan Coe is 74, Rock singer-musician Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) is 70, Actress Swoosie Kurtz is 69, Comedian-actress Jane Curtain is 66 and Country singer-songwriter Buddy Miller is 61.

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September 6th is:  National Lazy Mom's Day.

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Quip for the day....So what if you can't spell Armageddon.  It's not the end of the world!

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------blonde joke day........

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the economy section since she didn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section, mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so ?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked the captain what he said to her.

The captain replied, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

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And to be fair.....

A neighbor living next door to a blonde guy told him that he should close his curtains when he and his wife are making love.  She told him the whole neighborhood could see them and were joking and laughing at him while they were watching.

The blonde guy says, "Yeah?  Well, the joke is on you.  I wasn't even home last night!"

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Today is Saturday, September 7, the 250th day of the year.  There are 115 days left in the year.

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In 1776, during the Revolutionary War, the American submersible craft Turtle attempted to attach a time bomb to the hull of the British ship Eagle in New York Harbor.  It was the first use of a submarine in warfare. 

In 1825, the Marquis de Lafayette, the French hero of the American Revolution, bade farewell to President John Quincy Adams at the White House.

In 1892, James J. Corbett knocked out John L. Sullivan to win the world heavyweight crown in New Orleans in a fight conducted under the Marquess of Queensbury rules.

In 1921, The San Antonio River flooded killing 51 people and causing millions of dollars in damages.  The flood was caused by some of the heaviest rainfall ever recorded in Texas.

In 1977, President Jimmy Carter signed a treaty that gave Panama control over the Panama Canal beginning in 2000.

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Today--------Jazz musician Sonny Rollins is 83, Actress Susan Blakely is 65, Singer Gloria Gaynor is 64, Author-journalist Peggy Noonan is 63, Actress Julie Kavner is 62 and Singer-songwriter Chrissie Hynde is 62.

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September 7th is:  Google Commemoration, Grandma Moses Day, "Neither snow nor Rain" Day and Salami Day.

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Quip for the day......It matters not whether you win or lose..........it matters whether I win or lose.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------bad......

A woman has a C-section and is asleep.  When she comes to, she asks to see her new child.  The doctor tells her that there is a problem with the child.  He says, "I'm sorry, but your child was born with no legs."  The woman says, "Oh, dear.  Well, he is my child and I love him, regardless."

The doctor says, "That's not all.  He also has no arms or hands."  She says, "Oh, no!  But, he is my child and I will love him, regardless."

The doctor says,  "Sadly, I have to tell you that, in fact, he has no face, nose or mouth.  He is just a very, very big ear."  The woman gasped, "Oh, no!  Can you bring him to me so I can see him?"  The doctor brings her the child.

She holds him and says to him, "Son, it's your mommy.  Can you hear me?"

The doctor says, "No need to say anything to him, he's deaf, too."

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Today is Sunday, September 8, the 251st day of the year.  There are 114 days left in the year.

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In 1565, a Spanish expedition established the first permanent European settlement in North America at St. Augustine, Florida.

In 1664, following the capture of New Amsterdam by the English, it was renamed New York in honor of the Duke of York.

In 1900, Galveston, Texas, was struck by a hurricane that killed an estimated 8,000 people.

In 1943, during World War II, Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower announced Italy's surrender.  Nazi Germany denounced Italy's decision as a cowardly act.

In 1974, President Gerald R. Ford granted an unconditional pardon to former President Richard Nixon.

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Today------Comedian Sid Caesar is 91, Country songwriter Harlan Howard is 86, Blues guitarist Guitar Shorty is 74, Children's poet Jack Prelutsky is 73, Actor Alan Feinstein is 72, Former NHL goaltender Rogie Vachon is 68, NFL Hall-of-Famer Lem Barney is 68 and Author Ann Beattie is 66.

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September 8th is:  International Drive Your Studebaker Day, International Literacy Day, National Grandparents Day, National Hug Your Hound Day, Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurse's Day, Virgin Mary Day and World Physical Therapy Day.

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Quip for the day.......Whenever I start to feel blue, I start breathing again.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----hah......

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."  "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:

"-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

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Today is Monday, September 9, the 252nd day of the year.  There are 113 days left in the year.

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In 1776, the second Continental Congress made the term "United States" official, replacing "United Colonies."

In 1850, California became the 31st state of the union.

In 1942, a Japanese floatplane dropped incendiary bombs on an Oregon state forest.  It was the only air attack on the U.S. mainland during the war.

In 1957, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the first civil rights bill to pass Congress since Reconstruction.

In 1965, Los Angeles Dodger pitcher Sandy Koufax pitched the eighth perfect game in major league history.

In 1971, prisoners rioted and seized control of the maximum security Attica Correctional Facility.

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Today------Actress Sylvia Miles is 79 (not proven), Actor Topol is 78, Rhythm-and-blues singer Luther Simmons  is 71, Singer Inez Foxx is 71, Singer Dee Dee Sharp is 68, Rock singer-musician Doug Ingle is 67, College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Joe Theismann is 64, Actor-singer Tom Wopat is 62 and Actress Angela Cartwright is 61.

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September 9th is:  Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders Day, National Boss/Employee Exchange Day and Wonderful Weirdoes Day.

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Quip for the day.......It's scary when in the morning, you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

Bonus------When I was young, I used to skinny dip.  Now I chunky dunk.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------a few short ones.......

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

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Good news, Bad news, Worse news......

Good news:  Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad news:  You find x-rated movies hidden in his room.
Worse news:  You're in them.

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Mr. Schneider stood up in court.  "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any money."
Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not.  I am.  You do."

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A man was complaining to his friend.  "I had it all.  Money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, the POW! it was all gone."
"What happened?" said the friend.
"My wife found out."

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Today is Tuesday, September 10, the 253rd day of the year.  There are 112 days left in the year.

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In 1608, John Smith was elected president of the Jamestown colony council in Virginia.

In 1912, the jungle character Tarzan made his debut as "Tarzan of the Apes" by Edgar Rice Burroughs.  It was first published in The All-Story magazine.

In 1962, the U.S. Supreme Court ordered the University of Mississippi to admit James Meredith, a black student.

In 1993, "The X-Files" premiered on Fox television.

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Today----------Golfer Arnold Palmer is 84, Actor Philip Baker Hall is 82, Singer Jose Feliciano is 68, Actress Judy Geeson is 65, Political commentator Bill O'Reilly is 64, Rock musician Joe Perry (Aerosmith) is 63 and Actress Amy Irving is 60.

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September 10th is:  Swap Ideas Day and (World) Suicide Prevention Day.

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Quip for the day........Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect"....is about to insult you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------oldie, but a favorite....

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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Today is Wednesday, September 11, the 254th day of the year.  There are 111 days left in the year.

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In 1777, during the American Revolution, forces under Gen. George Washington were defeated by the British in the Battle of Brandywine.

In 1941, groundbreaking took place for the Pentagon.

In 1985, Cincinnati Reds player-manager Pete Rose got his 4,192nd hit of his career breaking Ty Cobbs record.

In 2011, America faced its worst day of terrorism.  Nearly 3,000 people were killed as 19 al-Qaida members hijacked four passenger planes.  Two planes smashed into New York's World Trade Center, one plowed into the Pentagon and the fourth crashed into a field in western Pennsylvania.

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Today--------Actress Betty Drake is 90, Songwriter Alan Bergman is 88, Actor Earl Holliman is 85, Movie director Brian De Palma is 73, Comedian Tom Dreeson is 71, Singer-dancer Lola Falana is 71, Rock musician Mickey Hart (Grateful Dead) is 70, Singer-musician Leo Kottke is 68, Actress Amy Madigan is 63 and Rock singer Tommy Shaw (Styx) is 60.

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September 11th is:  Odd Day, Libraries Remember Day, National Day Of Service And Remembrance, Patriot Day and Remember Freedom Day.

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Quip for the day......You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to start all over again.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------funny.....

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?  Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.  They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!  BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

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Today is Thursday, September 12, 255th day of the year.  There are 110 days left in the year.

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In 1913, Olympic legend Jesse Owens was born in Oakville, Alabama.

In 1953, Sen. John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Lee Bouvier.

In 1972, after nearly 40 years of riding across millions of TV and movie screens, the cowboy actor William Boyd, best known as Hopalong Cassidy, died at age 77.

In 1992, the space shuttle Endeavour blasted off, carrying with it Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space; Mae Jamison, the first black woman in space; and Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese national to fly on a U.S. spaceship.

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Today--------Actor Dickie Moore ("Our Gang") is 88, Actor Freddie Jones is 86, Actor Ian Holm is 82, Actress Linda Gray is 73, MLB All-Star pitcher Mickey Lolich is 73, Singer Maria Muldaur is 71, Actor Joe Pantoliano is 62, Rock musician Neil Peart (Rush) is 61 and Rock musician Gerry Beckley (America) is 61.

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September 12th is:  Video Games Day and International Day For South-South Cooperation.

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Quip for the day.....Some people grow up and spread cheer......others just grow up and spread.

I may be getting older, but I still got it.  Unfortunately, nobody wants to see it.

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Larryj

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