another slice of wry

Diane Amberg · August 14, 2013, 09:23:12 AM

Love those puns!

larryJ · August 15, 2013, 09:36:46 AM

Today's-------punny.....

A pirate captain was on the lookout for buried treasure. After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp. It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.

Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!"

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Today is Thursday, August 15, the 227th day of the year. There are 138 days left in the year.

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In 1899, Henry Ford resigned his position as chief engineer at Edison Illuminating Company to concentrate on automobile production.

In 1914, the Panama Canal opened to traffic.

In 1935, humorist Will Rogers and aviator Wiley Post were killed when their airplane crashed in the Alaska Territory.

In 1969, the Woodstock Music Festival opened in White Lake, a part of Bethel, New York.

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Today------Actress Rose Marie is 90, Actor Mike Connors is 88, Game show host Jim Lange is 81, Actress Pat Priest is 77, Author-Journalist Linda Ellerbee is 69, Songwriter Jimmy Webb is 67, Britain's Princess Anne is 63, Actress Tess Harper is 63 and Singer Billy Griffin (The Miracles) is 63.

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August 15th is: Best Friends Day and National Relaxation Day.

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Quip for the day.......A hangover is your body's way of saying "I told you to stay drunk."

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Larryj

larryJ · August 16, 2013, 09:26:41 AM

Today's------cute joke day...

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance."

A minute later the boy screamed "Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you."

"Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?"

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Today is Friday, August 16, the 228th day of the year. There are 137 days left in the year.

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In 1858, a telegraphed message from Britain's Queen Victoria to President James Buchanan was transmitted over the recently laid trans-Atlantic cable.

In 1920, Cleveland Indians shortstop Ray Chapman was struck in the temple by a pitched ball. He died 12 hours later. This was the first and only death to occur as a result of a pitched ball in major league history.

In 1948, baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York at age 53.

In 1954, Sports Illustrated was first published by Time Inc.

In 1977, Elvis Presley died at his Graceland estate in Memphis, Tennessee, at age 42.

In 1987, a plane crash at Detroit Metropolitan Airport killed 156 people. A four-year-old girl was the sole survivor. The accident was caused by pilot error.

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Today-----Actress Ann Blyth is 85, Sportscaster Frank Gifford is 83, Actor Gary Clarke is 80, Actress Julie Newmar is 80, Actor John Standing is 79, Actress Lorraine Gary is 76, Movie director Bruce Beresford is 73, Actor John Challis is 71, Actor Bob Balaban is 68, Actress Leslie Ann Warren is 67, Actor Reginald Veljohnson is 61, Songwriter Michael Lovesmith is 60 and TV personality Kathie Lee Gifford is 60.

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August 16th is: Joe Miller's Joke Day, Men's Grooming Day and National Airborne Day.

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Quip for the day......You know what I hate? Indian givers............no, wait. I take that back.

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Larryj

larryJ · August 17, 2013, 09:39:16 AM

Today's-----uh oh......

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally, she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."

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Today is Saturday, August 17, the 229th day of the year. There are 136 days left in the year.

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In 1807, Robert Fulton's North River Steamboat began heading up the Hudson River on its successful round trip between New York and Albany.

In 1863, Federal batteries and ships began bombarding Fort Sumter in Charleston harbor during the Civil War, but the Confederates managed to hold on.

In 1933, Yankee's first baseman Lou Gherig played his 1,308th consecutive game breaking the old record held by Yankee Everett Scott.

In 1943, the Allied conquest of Sicily during World War II was completed as forces entered Messina.

In 1969, the Woodstock Music Festival ended after three days of peace, love and rock and roll.

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Today----Actress Maureen O'Hara is 93, Actor Robert DeNiro is 70, Oracle founder Larry Ellison is 69, Actress Jennifer Rhodes is 66, Former NFL Isiah Robertson is 64, Actor Robert Joy is 62 and Former tennis player Guillermo Vilas is 61.

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August 17th is: International Geocaching Day, International Homeless Animals Day, Meaning of "Is" Day and National Thrift Shop Day.

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Quip for the day......The future is the time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.

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Larryj

larryJ · August 18, 2013, 09:50:48 AM

Today's-------old, but worth repeating....

Three buddies die in a car crash and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

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Today is Sunday, August 18, the 230th day of the year. There are 135 days left in the year.

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In 1587, Virginia Dare became the first child of English parents to be born on American soil, on what is now Roanoke Island in North Carolina. (However, the Roanoke colony ended up mysteriously disappearing.)

In 1846, U.S. forces led by Gen. Stephen W. Kearny captured Santa Fe, New Mexico.

In 1862, Dakota Indians began an uprising in Minnesota. The revolt was crushed by U.S. forces some six weeks later.

In 1920, the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, guaranteeing women the right to vote, was ratified by Tennessee.

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Today------Former First Lady Rosalynn Carter is 86, Academy Award winning director Roman Polanski is 80, Former Olympic gold medalist Rafer Johnson is 78, Actor-director Robert Redford is 77, Actor-comedian Martin Mull is 70 and Rock musician Dennis Elliott (Foreigner) is 63.

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August 18th is: Bad Poetry Day, Birth Control Pills Day, God's Preeminence Day, Mail Order Catalog Day, Serendipity Day and (World) Daffodil Day.

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Quip for the day........God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

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Larryj

larryJ · August 19, 2013, 09:56:22 AM

Today's------uh oh.....

A high school senior was inspecting Harvard University, where he hoped to attend the following autumn.

As he was walking across the Quad, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked, "Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?"

The man looked down his nose and replied, "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply."

"Can you tell me where your library is at, jerk off?"

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Today is Monday, August 19, the 231st day of the year. There are 134 days left in the year.

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In 1807, Robert Fulton's North River Steamboat arrived in Albany, two days after leaving New York City.

In 1812, the USS Constitution defeated the British frigate HMS Guerriere off Nova Scotia during the War of 1812, earning the nickname "Old Ironsides."

In 1909, the first race was held at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Louis Schwitzer won the two-lap five mile inaugural race.

In 1964, the Beatles opened their first concert tour of North America with a concert at the Cow Palace in San Francisco.

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Today------Actor L.Q. Jones is 86, Actress Debra Paget is 80, USTA Eastern Tennis Hall of Famer Renee Richards is 79, Former MLB All-Star Bobby Richardson is 78, Actress Diana Muldaur is 75, Rock musician (Cream, Blind Faith) is 74, Singer Johnny Nash is 73, Actress Jill St. John is 73, Singer Ian Gillan (Deep Purple) is 68, Former President Bill Clinton is 67, Actor Gerald McRaney is 66, Actor Jim Carter is 65, Bass player-composer John Deacon (Queen) is 62 and Actor Jonathan Frakes is 61.

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August 19th is: Aviation Day, "Black Cow" Root Beer Float Day, World Humanitarian Day and Cupcake Day.

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Quip for the day.......Some women are hard to please...........the rest are impossible!

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Larryj

larryJ · August 20, 2013, 10:02:14 AM

Today's------------oopsies.........

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. "Hey, Willis," he called out, "forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you overturn the wagon."

"That's very nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Dad would like me to."

"Aw, come on, son!" the farmer insisted.

"Well, OK," the boy finally agreed, "but Dad won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad's going to be real upset."

"Don't be silly!" said the neighbor. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon," replied Willis.

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Today is Tuesday, August 20, the 232nd day of the year. There are 133 days left in the year.

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In 1920, seven men, including legendary all-around athlete Jim Thorpe, met to organize a professional football league. The meeting led to the creation of the American Professional Football Conference (APFC.)

In 1975, Viking I was launched from Cape Canaveral on a mission to Mars.

In 1977, the U.S. launched Voyager 2, an unmanned spacecraft carrying a 12-inch copper phonograph record containing greetings in dozens of languages, samples of music and sounds of nature.

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Today-----Boxing promoter Don King is 82, Former U.S. Rep. Ron Paul, R-Tex., is 78, Actor Sylvester McCoy is 70, Broadcast journalist Connie Chung is 67, Actor Ray Wise is 66, Rock singer Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin) is 65, Actor John Noble is 65 and Actor Peter Horton is 60.

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August 20th is: National Radio Day, Pony Express Day, National Lemonade Day and Stay At Home With Your Kids Day.

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Quip for the day......Remember "I" before "E" except in Budweiser.

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Larryj

larryJ · August 21, 2013, 10:00:10 AM

Today's-----------hah........

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

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Today is Wednesday, August 21, the 233rd day of the year. There are 132 days left in the year.

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In 1831, Nat Turner led a violent slave rebellion in Virginia resulting in the deaths of at least 55 white people. He was later executed.

In 1858, the Lincoln-Douglas debates began.

In 1863, Pro-Confederate raiders attacked Lawrence, Kansas, massacring the men and destroying the town's buildings.

In 1897, Ransom Eli Olds of Lansing, Michigan, founded Olds Motor Works. It was later renamed Oldsmobile.

In 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed an executive order making Hawaii the 50th state.

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Today-------Poet X.J. Kennedy is 84, Former football player Pete Retzlaff is 82, Actor-director Melvin Van Peebles is 81, Playwright Mart Crowley is 78, Singer Kenny Rogers is 75, Actor Clarence Williams III is 74, Rock musician James Burton is 74, Actress Loretta Devine is 64 and TV host-newsman Harry Smith is 62.

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August 21st is: Earth Over Shoot Day or Ecological Debt Day, National Medical Dosimetrist Day, Poet's Day and Senior Citizen's Day.

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Quip for the day......Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.

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Larryj

larryJ · August 22, 2013, 09:45:51 AM

Today's-----hmmm.....

Democrats V. Republicans

What it all boils down to

ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS
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criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift
| chance | sword of death
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the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift
| sword of death
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endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift
species | sword of death
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dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift
| sword of death
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the uninsured | Give them some | Give them the swift
| health care | sword of death
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the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95
000,000,000 | (cost of one sword)
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Today is Thursday, August 22, the 234th day of the year. There are 131 days left in the year.

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In 1787, inventor John Fitch showed off his steamboat on the Delaware River to Constitutional Convention delegates.

In 1846, Gen. Stephen W. Kearny proclaimed all of New Mexico a territory of the United States.

In 1851, the schooner America outraced more than a dozen British vessels off the English coast to win a trophy later called the America's Cup.

In 1950, Althea Gibson became the first African-American to compete in a U.S. National Tennis competition.

In 1989, Nolan Ryan of the Texas Rangers became the first pitcher in major league history to register 5,000 career strikeouts.

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Today-------Actress Honor Blackman is 88, Baseball Hall-of-Famer Carl Yastrzemski is 74, Actress Valerie Harper is 74, Football coach Bill Parcells is 72, Journalist Steve Kroft is 68, Producer-director David Chase is 68 and Actress Cindy Williams is 66.

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August 22nd is: Southern Hemisphere Hoodie Hoo Day and Be An Angel Day.

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Quip for the day.......It would save me a lot of time if my supermarket had an aisle marked "unhealthy crap."

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Larryj

larryJ · August 23, 2013, 10:22:00 AM

Today's------good one.......

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'? I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, 'Now, you can do what ever you want.' So here I am."

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Today is Friday, August 23, the 235th day of the year. There are 130 days left in the year.

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In 1775, Britain's King George III proclaimed the American colonies to be in a state of "open and avowed rebellion."

In 1784, four counties in western North Carolina declared their independence as the state of Franklin. The counties later became part of Tennessee.

In 1904, Harold D. Weed of Canastota, New York, was issued U.S. Patent No. 768,495 for his "Grip-tread for pneumatic tires," a non-skid tire chain for automobiles.

In 1989, as punishment for betting on baseball, Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose accepted a settlement that included a lifetime ban from the game of baseball. He is not eligible for the Hall-of-Fame.

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Today-------Actress Vera Miles is 83, Actress Barbara Eden is 82, Political Satirist Mark Russell is 81, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Sonny Jurgensen is 79, Country singer Rex Allen Jr. is 66, Actress Shelley Long is 64 and Actor-singer Rick Springfield is 64.

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August 23rd is: Day For The Remembrance Of The Slave Trade & Its Abolition, Hug Your Boss Day and Valentino Day.

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Quip for the day.....A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

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Larryj