another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----had to think about this one for a minute.......

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.  "Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.

"Nope, I only need one ball."

"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"

"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."

"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"

"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"

"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs. What are you going to do then?"

"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."

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Today is August 6, the 218th day of the year.  There are 147 days left in the year.

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In 1890, the first execution by electrocution in history was carried out against William Kemmler at Auburn Prison in New York.

In 1945, an American B-29 bomber, the Enola Gay, dropped the world's first atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan.

In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act.

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Today---Jazz musician Charlie Haden is 76, Actor-director Peter Bonerz is 75, Actress Louise Sorel is 73, Actor Michael Anderson Jr. is 70, Jazz guitarist Allan Holdsworth is 67, Actor Dorian Harewood is 63, Actress Catherine Hicks is 62, Director Chuck Russell is 61 and Guitarist Vinnie Vincent (KISS) is 61.

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August 6th is:  Hiroshima Day, National Fresh Breath (Halitosis) Day, National Root Beer Float Day and National Night Out.

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Quip for the day.........Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------on being male.....

Why It's Cool To Be Male

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
Same work, more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress: $2,000. Tuxedo rental: $75.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

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Today is Wednesday, August 7, the 219th day of the year.  There are 146 days left in the year.

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In 1782, Gen. George Washington created the Order of the Purple Heart, a decoration to recognize merit in enlisted men and non-commissioned officers.

In 1882, the famous feud between the Hatfields of West Virginia and the McCoys of Kentucky erupted into full-scale violence.

In 1912, former president Teddy Roosevelt was nominated for the presidency by the Progressive (Bull Moose) Party.  He was defeated by Democrat Woodrow Wilson in the November election.

In 1942, U.S. and other allied forces landed at Guadalcanal, marking the start of the first major allied offensive in the Pacific during World War II.  (Japanese forces abandoned the island the following February.)

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Today-----Writer-producer Stan Freberg is 87, Former MLB pitcher Don Larsen is 84, Actress Verna Bloom is 74, Humorist Garrison Keillor is 71, Singer B.J. Thomas is 71, Actor Tobin Bell is 71, Singer Lana Cantrell is 70, Actor John Glover is 69, Football Hall-of-Famer Alan Page is 68, Actor Holmes Osborne is 66 and Musician Rodney Crowell is 63.

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August 7th is:  Lighthouse Day, Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day, Professional Speakers Day and Purple Heart Day.

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Quip for the day.......I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid........but he says he can stop anytime.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------funny......

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.

"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

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Today is Thursday, August 8, the 220th day of the year.  There are 145 days left in the year.

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In 1911, President William Howard Taft signed a measure raising the number of U.S. Representatives from 391 to 433, with a proviso to add two more when New Mexico and Arizona became states.

In 1942, during World War II, six Nazi saboteurs who were captured after landing in the U.S. were executed in Washington, D.C.; two others who'd cooperated with authorities were spared.

In 1945, the United States dropped a second atomic bomb on Nagasaki, Japan.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman signed the United Nations Charter.

In 1974, the 37th president of the United States, Richard M. Nixon, officially resigned from office.

In 1988, the Chicago Cubs hosted the first night game at Wrigley Field.  However, the majority of their games remain daytime games.

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Today------Actor Richard Anderson is 87, Actress Nita Talbot is 83, College football coach Jerry Tarkanian is 82, Singer Mel Tillis is 81, Producer-screenwriter Donald Bellisario is 78, Actress-singer Connie Stevens is 75, Hockey Hall-of-Famer Ken Dryden is 66, Actor Keith Carradine is 64 and Actor Danny Most is 60.

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August 8th is:  The Day To Create, Happiness Happens Day, Odie Day and Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night.

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Quip for the day...........I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------oops.......

At about 3 a.m., a guy was drunk as a skunk. He came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooed nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight.

He was very proud of himself.

The next day, his wife asked what time he got home, and he replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed one more time, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

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Today is Friday, August 9, the 221st day of the year.  There are 144 days left in the year.

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In 1936, at the Olympic games in Berlin, Jesse Owens won his fourth gold medal in the 4x100-meter relay.

In 1969, actress Sharon Tate and four other people were found brutally slain at Tate's Los Angeles home; cult leader Charles Manson and a group of his followers were later convicted of the crime.

In 1974, Vice President Gerald R. Ford became the nation's 38th chief executive as President Richard Nixon's resignation took effect.

In 1976, a category 3 hurricane, Belle, hit the East Coast killing 12 people and causing $24 million in damage from North Carolina to Vermont.

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Today-------------Basketball Hall-of-Famer Bob Cousy is 85, Former professional middleweight boxer Harold Johnson is 85, Tennis Hall-of-Famer Rod Laver is 75, Comedian-director David Steinberg is 71, Boxing Hall-of-Famer Ken Norton is 70, Actor Sam Elliot is 69, Author Posy Simmons is 68, Science fiction author John Varley is 66, Novelist John Kellerman is 64 and College football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player John Cappelletti is 61.

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August 9th is:  Kool-Aid Day (9-11), International Day Of The World's Indigenous People, Veep Day and Worldwide Art Day.

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Quip for the day........Red meat is not bad for you.  Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------old, but funny.......

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

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Today is Saturday, August 10, the 222nd day of the year.  There are 143 days left in the year.

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In 1680, Pueblo Indians launched a successful revolt against Spanish colonists in present-day New Mexico.

In 1821, Missouri became the 24th state of the Union.

In 1846, President James K. Polk signed the Smithsonian Institution Act.

In 1874, President Herbert Hoover was born in West Branch, Iowa.

In 1945, Japan accepted the terms of unconditional surrender one day after the bombing of Nagasaki.

In 1949, the National Military Establishment was renamed the Department of Defense.

In 1969, Leno and Rosemary LaBianca were murdered in their home by members of the Charles Manson cult.

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Today--------Actress Rhonda Fleming is 90, Actress Martha Hyer is 89, Actor-director Tom Laughlin is 82, Former MLB player Rocky Colavito is 80, Fashion designer Betsy Johnson is 71, Singer Ronnie Spector is 70, Actor James Reynolds is 67 and Rock singer-musician Ian Anderson (Jethro Tull) is 66.

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August 10th is:  National Duran Duran Day, National Garage Sale Day, Skyscraper Appreciation Day, Smithsonian Day and S'mores Day.

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Quip for the day.......I once won an argument with a woman..........in this dream I had.

Bonus....Fun things to do today........Go to the Walmart parking lot and post stickers on windshields saying, "Sorry for the damage" and then watch people look all around their cars for damage.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------presidential joke day......

An old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

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Today is Sunday, August 11, the 223rd day of the year.  There are 142 days left in the year.

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In 1806, while hunting for elk along the Missouri River, Meriwether Lewis was shot in the leg, probably by one of his own men.

In 1856, a hurricane hit the Louisiana coast, killing more than 400 people.  Isle Derniere, a resort community, was totally submerged.
(Hurricanes were not named at that time.)

In 1860, the nation's first successful silver mill began operation near Virginia City, Nevada.

In 1909, the steamship SS Arapahoe became the first ship in North America to issue an S.O.S. distress signal, off North Carolina's Cape Hatteras.

In 1934, the first federal prisoners arrived at Alcatraz Island (a former military prison) in San Francisco Bay.

In 1965, the Watts Riot began in Los Angeles.  Racially motivated, the riot lasted five days leaving 34 dead, 1032 injured, nearly 4000 arrested and $40 million in property destroyed.

In 1992, the Mall of America opened in Bloomington, Minnesota.

In 1994, Major League baseball players went on strike.  The 1994 World Series was canceled.

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Today------Actress Arlene Dahl is 88, Actor Ian McDiarmid is 69, Magazine columnist Marilyn Vos Savant is 67, Country singer John Conlee is 67, Singer Eric Carmen is 64, Computer scientist and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak is 63, Guitarist Bob Mothersbaugh (Devo) is 61 and Wrestler-actor Hulk Hogan is 60.

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August 11th is:  Ingersoll Day, National Raspberry Bombe Day, Play In The Sand Day and Presidential Joke Day.

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Quip for the day......Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he'll fix it.  There is no need to remind him every six months.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------good one.....

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.  The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"

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Today is Monday, August 12, the 224th day of the year.  There are 141 days left in the year.

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In 1676, in colonial New England, King Philip's War came to an end when Philip, chief of the Wampanoag Indians, was assassinated by a Native American in the service of the English.

In 1898, fighting in the Spanish-American War came to an end.

In 1912, Mack Sennett founded the Keystone Pictures Studio in Los Angeles.

In 1939, The Wizard of Oz, starring Judy Garland, premiered in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin.

In 1964, British author and journalist Ian Fleming, creator of James Bond, died at age 56 in Kent, England.

In 1985, the world's worst single-aircraft disaster occurred as a Japan Air Lines Boeing 747 on a domestic flight crashed into a mountain, killing 520 people.

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Today--------Screenwriter William Goldman is 82, Actor George Hamilton is 74, Actress Dana Ivey is 72, All around good guy Larryj is 70 and Rock singer-musician Mark Knopfler (Dire Straits) is 64.

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August 12th is:  IBM PC Day, International Youth Day, Sewing Machine Day, Vinyl Record Day and World Elephant Day.

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Quip for the day.......They put a new machine in at my gym that provides all my needs.  Kitkats, Mars Bars, Snickers.......

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Larryj

[Dee Gee]

Happy Birthday Larryj.

[larryJ]

Thanks, Dee Gee!

Today's------someone might not have heard this one........

This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here, and while you're at it, have one yourself."  "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."

With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

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Today is Tuesday, August 13, the 225th day of the year.  There are 140 days left in the year.

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In 1846, the American flag was raised for the first time in Los Angeles, California.

In 1910, Florence Nightingale, the founder of modern nursing, died in London at age 90.

In 1934, the satirical comic strip "Li'l Abner," created by Al Capp, made its debut.

In 1995, former New York Yankees star Mickey Mantle died from liver cancer at age 63.

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Today---------Actor Pat Harrington is 84, Actor Kevin Tighe is 69, Actress Gretchen Corbett is 66, Opera singer Kathleen Battle is 65 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Bobby Clarke is 64.

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August 13th is:  International Left Handers Day.

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Quip for the day........The best thing about the good old days is that I wasn't good and I wasn't old.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------some old some new.....

Terrible puns......

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the wall around the nudist camp.  The police are looking into it.

Big difference.  Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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Today is Wednesday, August 14, the 226th day of the year.  There are 139 days left in the year.

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In 1848, the Oregon Territory was created.

In 1935, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Social Security Act into law.

In 1951, newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst died in Beverly Hills, California, at age 88.

In 1997, Timothy McVeigh was formally sentenced to death for the Oklahoma City bombing.

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Today-------Broadway lyricist Lee Adams ("Bye Bye Birdie") is 89, Singer Buddy Greco is 87, College football Hall-of-Famer John Brodie is 78, Rock singer David Crosby is 72, Country singer Connie Smith is 72, Comedian-actor Steve Martin is 68, Actress Susan Saint James is 67, Actor Antonio Fargas is 67, Author Danielle Steel is 66, Cartoonist Gary Larson ("The Far Side") is 63 and Film composer James Horner is 60.

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August 14th is:  National Navajo Code Talkers Day and V-J Day.

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Quip for the day......There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

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Larryj