another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's----somebody, somewhere might not have heard this one......

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"  Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"  Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

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(Note:  In checking myself, I noticed that the numbers in the following line has been erroneous for some time.  It is corrected.)

Today is Saturday, July 27, the 208th day of the year.  There are 157 days left in the year.

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In 1789, President George Washington signed a measure establishing the Department of Foreign Affairs, later the Department of State.

In 1866, Cyrus W. Field finished laying out the first successful underwater telegraph cable between North America and Europe.

In 1940, Bugs Bunny made his "official" debut in the Warner Bros. animated cartoon "A Wild Hare."

In 1949, the world's first jet-propelled airliner, the British De Havilland Comet, made its maiden test fight in England.

In 1953, the Korean War armistice was signed at Panmunjom, ending three years of fighting.

In 1974, the House of Representatives charged President Richard M. Nixon with the first of three articles of impeachment for obstruction of justice after he refused to hand over White House tapes concerning the Watergate scandal.

In 1996, in Atlanta, Georgia, the XXVI Olympiad was disrupted by the explosion of a pipe bomb in Centennial Olympic Park.

In 2003, legendary comedian and actor Bob Hope died in Toluca Lake, California.  He was 100.

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Today------TV producer Norman Lear is 91, Actor Jerry Van Dyke is 82, Actor John Pleshette is 71, Singer Bobby Gentry is 69, Actress-director Betty Thomas is 65, Olympic gold medal figure skater Peggy Fleming is 65, Singer Maureen McGovern is 64 and Actress Roxanne Hart is 61.

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July 27th is:  Barbie-in-a-blender Day, National Dance Day, National Day Of The Cowboy, National Korean War Veterans Armistice Day, Paddle For Perthes Disease Awareness Day, Take Your Houseplant For A Walk Day and Walk On Stilts Day.

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Quip for the day......I have turned my life around!  I used to be depressed and miserable.  Now I miserable and depressed.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's----------or this one.........

A farmer had a pond on his property which he decided to make into a swimming pool.  He fixed it up with a concrete lining, some outdoor lounge chairs, umbrellas and planted some fruit trees nearby.

One day, he decided to go down to the new pool.  He hadn't been down there for a while and wanted to pick some fruit.  He picked up a bucket and went down to the pool.  As he got close he heard some women laughing and splashing around in the pool.  They were skinny-dipping. 

He let them know he was nearby and they all swam to the deep end.  He told them he wasn't there to see them swimming around nude or to make them get out of the pool while he watched. 

He held up the bucket and told them he was just there to feed the alligator.............

WELL PLAYED, OLD MAN, WELL PLAYED!

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Today is Sunday, July 28, the 209th day of the year.  There are 156 days left in the year.

In 1868, the 14th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, guaranteeing citizenship to African Americans, was officially adopted.

In 1914, World War I began as Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia.

In 1932, during the Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover ordered the U.S. Army to evict by force the Bonus Marchers from the nation's capital.

In 1943, President Franklin D. Roosevelt announced the end of coffee rationing, a limit of one pound of coffee every five weeks, which began in November 1942.

In 1945, a U.S. military plane crashed into the Empire State Building killing 14 people.  The freak accident was blamed on heavy fog.

In 1991, Montreal Expo's pitcher, Dennis Martinez, pitched a perfect game to beat the L.A. Dodgers, 2-0.  Martinez was the first Latin player to pitch a perfect game.

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Today-------Actor Phil Proctor is 73, Former Senator and NBA Hall-of-Famer Bill Bradley is 70, "Garfield" creator Jim Davis is 68, Singer Jonathan Edwards is 67, Actress Linda Kelsey is 67, TV producer Dick Ebersol is 66, Actress Sally Struthers is 65, Actress Georgia Engel is 65, Former baseball player Vida Blue is 64, Rock musician Simon Kirke (Bad Company) is 64 and Former NBA All-Star Doug Collins is 62.

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July 28th is:  Ann Hutchinson Memorial Day, Buffalo Soldiers Day, National Milk Chocolate Day, Parents Day and World Hepatitis Day.

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Quip for the day........Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's---------or this one.......

There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence. So she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country. Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep here will you let me have one?" she asked. The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed.

"You have 171 sheep," said the blonde in triumph.

Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice. She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.

She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, "if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?"

The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try.

"You're a blonde! Now give me back my dog."

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Today is Monday, July 29, the 210th day of the year.  There are 155 days left in the year.

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In 1958, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed the National Aeronautics and Space Act, creating NASA.

In 1965, 4,000 paratroopers of the 101st Airborne Division arrived in Vietnam.

In 1981, Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer were married at St. Paul's Cathedral.  There were 2,650 guests and nearly one billion television viewers to witness the ceremony.

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Today-------Comedian "Professor" Irwin Corey is 99, Actor Robert Horton is 89, NHL Hall-of-Famer Ted Lindsay is 88, Actor Robert Fuller is 80, Elizabeth Dole is 77, Actor David Warner is 72, Children's author Sharon Creech is 68, Marilyn Quayle is 64, Former NBA player Scott Wedman is 61, Singer-songwriter Patti Scialfa is 60 and Documentary maker Ken Burns is 60.

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July 29th is:  Lasagna Day, National Chicken Wing Day and Rain Day.

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Quip for the day........I either get what I want or I change my mind.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------wise man.....

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

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Today is Tuesday, July 30, the 211th day of the year.  There are 154 days left in the year.

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In 1862, the Confederate ironclad CSS Arkansas was scuttled by its crew on the Mississippi River near Baton Rouge, Louisiana, to prevent capture by the Union.

In 1956, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a law officially declaring "In God We Trust" to be the nation's official motto.

In 1965, President Lyndon B. Johnson signed the Voting Rights Act.

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Today-----Actor Richard Johnson is 86, Former MLB player Joe Nuxhall is 85, Actor Edd Kookie Byrnes is 80, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is 79, Blues guitarist Buddy Guy is 77, Singer Paul Anka is 72, Actor and former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger is 66, Actor William Atherton is 66 and Actor Frank Stallone is 63.

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July 30th is:  Cheesecake Day, Father-in-Law Day, Healthcare Now!  Medicare's Birthday, National Support Public Education Day and Paperback Book Day.

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Quip for the day......The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------hah....(from a FB friend)

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.  The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of Tampons for his wife.  She directs him to the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a big roll of string on the counter.  The sales girl, confused, says, "Sir, I thought you wanted Tampons for your wife."

He answers, "You see, it's like this.  Yesterday, I sent my wife out for a carton of cigarettes.  She came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because it was sooo-ooo-oo-o much cheaper."

So I figure, if I have to roll my own...........................so does she.

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Today is Wednesday, July 31, the 212th day of the year.  There are 153 days left in the year.

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In 1777, the American Continental Army gave Marquis de Lafayette, a French nobleman, 19, the rank of major-general.

In 1875, the 17th president of the United States, Andrew Johnson, died from a stroke while visiting his daughter in Tennessee.

In 1930, the radio character "The Shadow" made his debut as narrator of the "Detective Story Hour" on CBS Radio.

In 1933, the series "Jack Armstrong, the All-American Boy," began on CBS radio station WBBM in Chicago.

In 1975, labor leader, Jimmy Hoffa, disappeared in Detroit, Michigan, never to be heard from again.

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Today------Actress France Nuyen is 74, Actress Susan Flannery is 74, Singer Lobo is 70, Actress Geraldine Chaplin is 69, Singer Gary Lewis is 68, Actor Lane Davies is 63, Tennis Hall-of-Famer Evonne Goolagong Cawley is 62, Actor Barry Van Dyke is 62 and Jazz musician Michael Wolff is 61.

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July 31st is:  Uncommon Instruments Awareness Day.

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Quip for the day......I like to stop the microwave with one second left.  It makes me feel like a bomb disposal expert.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------one of my favorites.....

Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith,  'That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine.  Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"

Thelma replied, "Oh God!  He's peeing in the fridge again!"

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Today is Thursday, August 1, the 213th day of the year.  There are 152 days left in the year.

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In 1907, the U.S. Army Signal Corps established an aeronautical division, the forerunner of the U.S. Air Force.

In 1913, the Joyce Kilmer poem "Trees" was first published in "Poetry:  A Magazine of Verse."

In 1914, four days after Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia, World War I began.

In 1936, the Olympics opened in Berlin with a ceremony presided over by Adolf Hitler.

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Today----Actor-director Geoffrey Holder is 83, Singer Ramblin' Jack Elliott is 82, Actor Giancarlo Giannini is 71 and Blues musician Robert Cray is 60.

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August 1st is:  Girlfriends Day, National Minority Donor Awareness Day, Respect for Parents, Rounds Resounding Day, Spiderman Day, U.S. Air Force Day, World Wide Web Day and World Scout Scarf Day.

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Quip for the day........from Frank Sinatra..."I feel sorry for people who don't drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------oops.......

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, the priest proceeded to enter the other side of the confessional. The priest's attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

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Today is Friday, August 2, the 214th day of the year.  There are 151 days left in the year.

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In 1776, members of the Continental Congress began attaching their signatures to the Declaration of Independence.

In 1876, frontiersman "Wild Bill" Hickok was shot and killed while playing poker at a saloon in Deadwood, Dakota Territory, by Jack McCall.

In 1909, the first Lincoln "wheat" penny began circulation, replacing the "Indian Head" cent.

In 1923, President Warren G. Harding died of a stroke in a hotel in San Francisco at age 58.

In 1945, President Harry S. Truman, Soviet leader Josef Stalin and Britain's Clement Attlee finished the Potsdam conference.

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Today------Actor Peter O'Toole is 81, 1959 Heisman Trophy winner Billy Cannon is 76, Movie director Wes Craven is 74, Singer Kathy Lennon (The Lennon Sisters) is 70, Actress Joanna Cassidy is 68, Actress Kathryn Harrold is 63 and Actor Butch Patrick ("Munsters") is 60.

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August 2nd is:  International Beer Day, India Pale Ale Beer Day and Satchmo Days (2-4).

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Quip for the day........If you have something to say, raise your hand............and place it over your mouth.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----ouch!!!!!!!

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

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Today is Saturday, August 3, the 215th day of the year.  There are 150 days left in the year.

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In 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present-day Americas.

In 1807, former Vice President Aaron Burr went on trial before a federal court, charged with treason.  (He was acquitted less than a month later.)

In 1914, Germany declared war on France at the onset of World War I.

In 1936, Jesse Owens of the United States won the first of his four gold medals at the Berlin Olympics as he took the 100-meter sprint.

In 1949, the Basketball Association of American and the National Basketball League merged to form the National Basketball Association.

In 1958, the nuclear submarine Nautilus accomplished the first undersea voyage under the North Pole.

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Today-------Author P.D. James is 93, Singer Tony Bennett is 87, Poet Diane Wakoski is 76, Actor Martin Sheen is 73, NFL Hall-of-Famer Lance Alworth is 73, Lifestyle guru Martha Stewart is 72, Musician-pianist Ray Reach is 65, Actor Phillip Casnoff is 64, Movie director John Landis is 63, Actress JoMarie Payton is 63, Former NFL player Eddie Payton is 62, Actor Jay North ("Dennis the Menace") is 62 and Hockey Hall-of-Famer Marcel Dionne is 62.

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August 3rd is:  Braham Pie Day, International Tree Climbing Days (3-7), National Mustard Day and Watermelon Day.

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Quip for the day......My wife said she would go to the ends of the Earth for me.  I asked her if she could stay there.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------gotcha.......

4 older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest, too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make, also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

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Today is Sunday, August 4, the 216th day of the year.  There are 149 days left in the year.

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In 1735, a jury found John Peter Zenger of the New York Weekly Journal not guilty of committing seditious libel against the colonial governor of New York, William Cosby.

In 1790, the Coast Guard had its beginnings as the Revenue Cutter Service.

In 1944, Anne Frank, a 15-year-old girl who kept a diary of events and her thoughts, was arrested with her sister, parents and four others by the Gestapo after hiding for two years inside a building in Amsterdam.  (Anne died the following year at Bergen-Belsen.)

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Today------Screenwriter David Seidler is 76, Actor-comedian Richard Belzer is 69 and Football Hall-of-Famer John Riggins is 64.

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August 4th is:  Coast Guard Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, Single Working Women's Day, Social Security Day, Friendship Day, National Doll Day, National Kids' Day and Sister's Day.

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Quip for the day........He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------It's a pun day.......an old pun day......

So......Mary Poppins moves to California and starts a new business.

She doesn't want to be a babysitter anymore.  She wants to be a fortuneteller.

She sets up shop in California, and hangs out a sign advertising her services as a fortuneteller.

She's not the usual kind of fortuneteller.  She doesn't read palms or tea leaves.  No, she smells a person's breath.

Her sign says........,


Wait for it........


"Super, California Mystic, Expert Halitosis."

(groan)

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Today is Monday, August 5, the 217th day of the year.  There are 148 days left in the year.

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In 1864, during the Civil War, Union Rear Admiral David G. Farragut led his fleet to victory in the Battle of Mobile Bay, Alabama.

In 1884, the cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty's pedestal was laid on Bedloe's Island in  New York Harbor.

In 1912, the Progressive Party, also known as the "Bull Moose Party," convened in Chicago.  (The party was formed by former President Theodore Roosevelt following a split in the Republican Party.)

In 1914, the world's first electric traffic signal was put into place on the corner of Euclid Avenue and East 105th Street in Cleveland, Ohio.

In 1957, "American Bandstand", hosted by Dick Clark, began national broadcasting on 67 ABC affiliates.

In 1962, actress Marilyn Monroe was found dead in her Los Angeles home.  Police declared her death was caused by an overdose of prescription drugs.

In 1981, President Ronald Reagan began firing 11,359 air-traffic controllers striking in violation of his order for them to return to work.

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Today-------Author Wendell Berry is 79, Actor John Saxon is 77, College Football Hall-of-Famer and former NFL player Roman Gabriel is 73, Country songwriter Bobby Braddock is 73, Actress Loni Anderson is 68, Actress Erika Slezak is 67, Rock singer Rick Derringer is 66, and Actress Holly Palance is 63.

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August 5th is:  Assistance Dog Day, National Oyster Day and National Underwear Day.

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Quip for the day......Laughing stock: n; def;  Cattle with a sense of humor.

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Larryj