another slice of wry

[larryJ]

Today's-----from the insult file.......

A guy with your IQ should have a low voice, too.

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

Look, don't go to a mind reader.  Go to a palm reader.  I know you have a palm.

Do you always talk crazy, or is today a special occasion?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Still eating lead paint chips?  I thought you were trying to quit.

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Today is Thursday, May 30, the 150th day of the year.  There are 215 days left in the year.

In 1868, the first Memorial Day, or Decoration Day, was held.  (In 1971, Congress declared Memorial Day a national holiday to be observed on the last Monday in May.)

In 1883, 12 people were trampled to death in a stampede sparked by a rumor that the recently opened Brooklyn Bridge was in danger of collapsing.

In 1911, the first Indy 500 took place at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway; the winner was Ray Harroun, who drove a Marmon Wasp for more than 6 hours at an average speed of 74.6 mph and collected a prize of $10,000.

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Today-----------Actor Clint Walker is 86, Actor Keir Dullea is 77, Actress Ruta Lee is 77, Actor Michael J. Pollard is 74, Pro Football Hall-of-Famer Gale Sayers is 70, Actor Stephen Tobolowsky is 62 and Actor Colm Meaney is 60.

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May 30th is:  (an error on my part.....) Loomis Day is today instead of yesterday and the Traditional Memorial Day.

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Quip for the day............Never buy a car you can't push.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------way too busy day.........

There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death.
He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said "Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell." The worker agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.

When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, "Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits."

Then the worker replied, "What wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward." So he fixed the wall.

Satan, intrigued, asked, "What else can you build?" So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.

Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, "I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven."

Satan replied, "No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him."

God then said, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages."

Satan just laughed: "And where are you going to find a lawyer?"

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Today is Friday, May 31, the 151st day of the year.  There are 214 days left in the year.

In 1790, President George Washington signed into law the first U.S. copyright act.

In 1889, more than 2,000 people perished when a dam break sent water rushing through Johnstown, Pennsylvania.

In 1913, U.S. Secretary of State William Jennings Bryan proclaimed the 17th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, providing for popular election of U.S. Senators, to be in effect.

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Today-------Actor-director Clint Eastwood is 83, Singer Peter Yarrow is 75, Singer-musician Augie Meyers is 73, Actress Sharon Gless is 70.  Football Hall-of-Famer Joe Namath is 70 and Actor Tom Berenger is 63.

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May 31st is:  Heat Awareness Safety Day, What You Think Upon Grows Day and World No Tobacco Day.

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Quip for the day......I had bad study habits until my senior year when I figured out I was highlighting with a black marker.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-----just for Jarhead.....

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.

The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied and fell to the concrete below.

Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.

Finally, the Marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"

The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"

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Today is Saturday, June 1, the 152nd day of the year.  There are 213 days left in the year.

In 1779, the court-martial of Benedict Arnold convened in Philadelphia.  Arnold was charged with 13 counts of misbehavior.

In 1792, Kentucky became the 15th state to join the Union.

In 1796, Tennessee became the 16th state to join the Union.

In 1813, the mortally wounded commander of the USS Chesapeake, Capt. James Lawrence, gave the order, "Don't give up the ship" during a losing battle with the British frigate HMS Shannon in the War of 1812.

In 1862, Confederate Gen. Robert E. Lee assumed command of the Army of Northern Virginia during the Civil War.

In 1968, Helen Keller died in Westport, Connecticut, at age 87.

In 1980, CNN (Cable News Network), the world's first 24-hour television news network, made its debut.

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Today---------Singer Pat Boone is 79, Actor-writer-director Peter Masterson is 79, Actor Morgan Freeman is 76, Actor Rene Auberjonois is 73, Actor Brian Cox is 67, Actor Jonathan Pryce is 66, Rock Guitarist Ron Wood is 66, Actor Powers Boothe is 65, Country singer Ronnie Dunn is 60 and Actress Diana Canova is 60.

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June 1st is:  Do-Dah Parade Day, Drawing Day or Pencil Day, Heimlich Maneuver Day, Horseradish Days (1-2), National Go Barefoot Day, National Trails Day, Say Something Nice Day, Stand For Children Day, Turtle Races Day and Xterra Off-Road Triathalon.

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Quip for the day.........Life is too short...........smile while you still have teeth.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------speaking of teeth....

The Larimers made a trip to the dentist office and Mr. Larimer made it known he was in a hurry.

"No needles, gas or anything," he told the dentist.  "Just get the tooth out."

The dentist said, "Wow, I wish all my patients were as stoic and brave as you.  Now, which tooth is it?"

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

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Today is Sunday, June 2, the 153rd day of the year.  There are 212 days left in the year.

In 1865, the Civil War ended when General Edmund Kirby Smith surrendered the last remaining Confederate army to the Union.

In 1886, President Grover Cleveland, 49, married Frances Folsom, 21, in the Blue Room of the White House.  (To date, Cleveland is the only president to marry in the executive mansion.)

In 1924, Congress passed a bill, signed by President Calvin Coolidge. guaranteeing full American citizenship for all Native Americans born within U.S. territorial limits.

In 1935, Babe Ruth retired from professional baseball.  (His major league career ended after 22 seasons, 10 world series and 714 home runs.)

In 1941. Baseball's "Iron Horse," Lou Gehrig, 37, died in New York from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

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Today----------Author Norton Juster is 84, Actress-singer Sally Kellerman is 76, Actor Ron Ely is 75, Actor Stacy Keach is 72, Rock musician Charlie Watts is 72, Singer William Guest (Gladys Knight and the Pips) is 72, Actor Jerry Mathers is 65 and Actress Joanna Gleason is 63.

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June 2nd is:  Children's Awareness Memorial Day, National Bubba Day, National Cancer Survivors Day and Yell "Fudge" At The Cobras In North America Day.

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Quip for the day............If all is not lost............well, where the heck is everything?

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------------good one.......

A circus clown was called as a witness in a slander trial.

The opposing counsel questioned him harshly, at one point asking, in a condescending way, "Do I understand correctly that you are a circus clown?"

The clown responded, "Yes, I am."

Lawyer:  "That's a rather low calling, isn't it?"

Clown:  "I suppose some people might think so, but it's far above my late father's, that I'm rather proud of."

Lawyer:  "Is that right?  May I inquire, then, as to what your father did for a living?"

Clown:  "He was a lawyer."

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Today is Monday, June 3, the 154th day of the year.  There are 211 days left in the year.

In 1888, the poem "Casey at the Bat," by Ernest Lawrence Thayer, was first published in the San Francisco Daily Examiner.

In 1943, Los Angeles saw the beginning of its Zoot Suit Riots as white servicemen clashed with young Latinos wearing distinctive-looking zoot suits; the violence finally ended when military officials declared the city off-limits to enlisted personnel.

In 1965, astronaut Maj. Edward H. White opened the hatch of Gemini 4 and stepped out becoming the first American to walk in space.

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Today-------Movie director Alain Resnais is 91, TV producer Chuck Barris is 84, Rock singer Ian Hunter (Mott the Hoople) is 74, Former NFL player Emmitt Thomas is 70, Pro Golfer Hale Irwin is 68, Rock musician Richard Moore is 64, Singer Suzi Quatro is 63 and Singer Deneice Williams is 62.

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June 3rd is:  Chimborazo Day and National Leave The Office Early Day.

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Quip for the day.......My mind works like lightning.  It comes in flashes.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's-------thoughts for the day........

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because your body and your fat have gotten to be really close friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice?  The Roman numerals for forty (40) is XL.

When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together they spell "Theirs."

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Today is Tuesday, June 4, the 155th day of the year.  There are 210 days left in the year.

In 1812, the Louisiana Territory was renamed the Missouri Territory.

In 1812, the U.S. House of Representatives approved a declaration of war against Britain.

In 1892, the Sierra Club was incorporated in San Francisco.

In 1919, Congress passed the 19th Amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote.  It was sent to the states for ratification.

In 1942, the World War II Battle of Midway began, resulting in a decisive American victory against Japan and marking the turning point of the war in the Pacific.

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Today---------Therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer is 85, Actor Bruce Dern is 77, Christian author Joyce Meyer is 70 and Actress-singer Michelle Phillips is 69.

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June 4th is:  Audacity To Hope Day and International Day Of Innocent Children Victims Of Aggression.

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Quip for the day.....Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's--------punny.........

A hawk, a lion and a skunk were debating which one was the greatest hunter.  The hawk said, "I am the best because I can fly and have strong talons to grab my prey."

The lion says, " I am the best because I am the king of the jungle and very powerful.  No animal has a chance against me."

The skunk says, "I am the best because no animal can withstand my spray which makes them easier to catch."

Just then, a massive alligator comes along and eats all three of them........hawk, lion and stinker.

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Today is Wednesday, June 5, the 156th day of the year.  There are 209 days in the year.

In 1794, Congress passed the Neutrality Act prohibiting Americans from taking part in any military action against a country that was at peace with the United States.

In 1933, the United States went off the gold standard.

In 1947, Secretary of State George C. Marshall gave a speech at Harvard University in which he outlined an aid program for Europe that came to be known as the Marshall Plan.

In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated at the Ambassador Hotel in Los Angeles after claiming victory in California's presidential primary.  Gunman Sirhan Sirhan was immediately arrested.

In 2004, the 40th President of the United States, Ronald Reagan, died in Simi Valley, California, at age 93.

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Today-----Actor-singer Bill Hayes is 88, Former NFL player Art Donovan is 88, Broadcast journalist Bill Moyers is 79, Country singer Don Reid (The Statler Brothers) is 68, Author Ken Follett is 64, Financial guru Suze Orman is 62, Rock musician Nicko McBrain (Iron Maiden) is 61 and Film producer Kathleen Kennedy is 60.

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June 5th is:  Apple II Day, Hot Air Balloon Day, National Moonshine Day, National Running Day, National Tailors Day and World Environment Day.

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Quip for the day..........It was all so different before everything changed.

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Larryj

[larryJ]

Today's------funny......

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

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Today is Thursday, June 6, the 157th day of the year.  There are 208 days left in the year.

In 1844, the Young Men's Christian Association was founded in London.

In 1912, the greatest volcanic eruption of the 20th century took place as Novarupta in Alaska began a series of explosive episodes over a 60-hour period.

In 1932, the Senate approved, and President Herbert Hoover signed, a Revenue Act containing the first federal gasoline tax, which was 1 cent per gallon.

In 1933, eager motorists parked their cars on the grounds of Park-In Theaters, the first ever drive-in movie theater in Camden, N.J.

In 1944, allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France, on "D-Day," beginning the liberation of German-occupied western Europe during World War II.

In 1966, James Meredith, the first African-American to attend the University of Mississippi, was shot by a sniper.

In 1977, the Ed Sullivan Show aired for the very last time.

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Today------Astronaut David Scott is 81, Actress Billie Whitelaw is 81, Civil rights activist Roy Innes is 79, Rock singer Gary U.S. Bonds is 74, Actor Robert Englund is 66, Folk singer Holly Near is 64 and Broadway actor Harvey Feirstein is 61.

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June 6th is:  Drive-in Movie Day and D-Day.

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Quip for the day..........Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

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Larryj

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[Diane Amberg]

Thanks for reminding everyone of D-day.

[larryJ]

About D-Day......I'm sure many of you know who the Los Angeles Dodgers announcer and Hall-of-Famer, Vin Scully, is, or not.  Anyway, he has been the Dodger announcer for almost 60 years.  Dodger baseball isn't Dodger baseball without the voice of Vin Scully similar to the late Harry Carey of Chicago.

Last night, I was watching the game and listening to Vinny.  He can be pretty passionate when he wants to be.  In between pitches during one inning, he reminded us of what D-Day was.......how many Americans died on the beaches that day........how many died on other beaches and so on.  He made an passionate plea to his listeners, I mean very passionate, to teach the "youngsters" that might not know about D-Day.......teach them about what happened and why......teach them the importance of the invasion.  It was kind of a "Lest we not forget" speech. 

Vin can get really into it sometimes.  Gotta love this guy.

Larryj